Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

You know, another cool ride to jump off of is the Haunted House. I used to like, go in there, and jump off the car. Then I'd go over by the witches and wait 'til the next car comes, and then I'd put a broom up my butt and go "Poopapoo!".

Butt-head

Beavis, witches don't put brooms up their butt, they put 'em between their legs.

Beavis

Really? I wish someone had told me that before I ruptured my sphincter. I have a splinter in my bunghole the size of a pencil.

Butt-head

Uhh...you're just joking, right?

Beavis

Um...no.

Butt-head

Hey, that's that dude from Nirvana.

Beavis

Butt-head, I don't think that dude's with us anymore. You shouldn't say that.

Butt-head

I'm talking about the drummer, dumbass.

Beavis

I've never seen that drummer before in my life. That's not him.

Butt-head

No, buttmuch! I'm talking about the drummer from Nirvana is playing guitar here.

Beavis

These are nice colors. They're all orangey and pretty and stuff.

Butt-head

Uhh, Beavis...do you, like, swing on that side now?

Beavis

Do I swing? No, I haven't...I haven't been to the swing since I was, like, eight years old. I don't even think we have a swingset anymore. What are you talking about?

Butt-head

Uhh, never mind, Beavis. Dumbass.

Beavis

Why are all these dudes dressed up in white?

Butt-head

Uhh, I think it's like, they all drive ice-cream trucks.

Beavis

Yeah, that would be cool. Y'know, Like, if instead of that dorky music the ice-cream truck plays, if they played this.

Butt-head

Yeah. And then they'd take the ice-cream and throw it at you and scream.

Beavis

Yeah! And then you just, like drive the ice-cream truck across your lawn and just tear ass, and be like "I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING, BWAAA!!!" That would rule!

Butt-head

Whoa! She's one of those grubby girls.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah!

Butt-head

She wants me.

Beavis

Me too.

Sex was something I just had...

Butt-head

Whoa! She just had sex?

Beavis

Yeah!

Butt-head

Why don't they show that?

Beavis

Yeah! She said she just had sex.

Butt-head

It wasn't with any of those guys.

Butt-head

If this video had some explosions, it would be the coolest video ever.

Beavis

Yeah, and like, if the music was cool too.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. And they'd have to have some like, better singing.

Beavis

Yeah, and not those guys.

Butt-head

Yeah. Then it would rule.

Butt-head

That lead singer, he's cool. He reminds me of my cousin.

Beavis

Oh yeah. Which one?

Butt-head

Uhh, you know...Richard Head?

Butt-head

Check this out.

Beavis

Yeah. Olivia Newton-John sucks!

Butt-head

That's not Olivia Neuter John, that's that rich chick from 902...6...1.

Beavis

Oh yeah, Donna.

Butt-head

That's not Donna! Donna's the slut. This is Kelly.

Beavis

No way, dude! Donna's not a slut. She's a virgin. Kelly's the slut.

Butt-head

Does she look like a slut to you, Beavis?

Beavis

Yeah, that's why it's Donna!

Butt-head

But you just said Donna's not a slut.

Beavis

Oh yeah. That must be Kelly.

Beavis

Um...is this Alice Cooper?

Butt-head

Uh...this is a chick, Beavis. This is an all-chick band.

Beavis

Oh yeah. You couldn't put Alice Cooper in an all-chick band anyway, because like, all the chicks would just be all over him.

Butt-head

Yeah. It would be the same way if I was in an all-chick band.

Beavis

Yeah. Same for like me, or something.

Beavis

Whoa! That chick would punch.

Butt-head

Uh...I think that was a dude, Beavis.

Beavis

No way, Butt-head! That's a chick! It's one of those girl boxers. That's cool, they can kick ass. They get in the ring and bitchslap each other.

Butt-head

Beavis, that's not a chick, that's a dude.

Beavis

No it's not! You said it's an all girl band. It's like they get an all girl band, they get a boxer. [The boxer is punched to the ground] Whoa! Look at the nads on that boxer.

Butt-head

Beavis, chicks don't have nads. How many times to I have to tell you that?

Beavis

I know that, Butt-head! I just thought, you know, maybe they like, put them on because she was fighting. Like, clip-on nads?

Butt-head

You're a damn weirdo, Beavis. And you're stupid too.

Beavis

Shut up!

Butt-head

And chicks don't like you.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! Some chicks like me!

Beavis

[Sees a woman's bare feet dangling over a road]] AAH! No! Don't stub your toe! That scares me, Butt-head. It's like, you're hanging your feet off the end of the car, and then, [shows feet agian] AAH! There it is again!

Butt-head

Settle down, dumbass.

Beavis

That's dangerous! It's like, she's letting her feet hang down, and like, it's gonna accidentally hit the asphalt, and then it's like "Ow!"

Butt-head

So what, Beavis?

Beavis

It's like...I want their feet to look nice, you know?

Butt-head

Really?

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, I like it when chicks have nice feet, y'know. [Sees feet again] KEEP YOUR FEET UP, COME ON! Then you can like...put your hands on 'em.

Butt-head

Uh...okay, Beavis. I think you oughta just shut up.

Beavis

[Sees feet again] FEET! FEET! OW!

Beavis

Dammit, it's like...they keep showing naked feet and hands, and it's like...they need to show the rest.

Butt-head

You have to wait, Beavis. They like to, you know...show a little bit at a time.

Beavis

Okay, okay, I can wait. [sings along] Has the whole world lost its head...[Sees feet again] AAH, NO! YOU'RE GONNA STUB YOUR TOE! DAMMIT, I WANNA SEE A BOOB NOW!

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, shut up!

Butt-head

Whoa, this looks like that Cops show.

Beavis

Yeah, really, it's like [imitates static] KSSHH!! One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a female caucasian chick standing in the road acting like a dumb ass. We're going to need back up, come on.

Butt-head

Ah, Roger, One Adam Five. Strip her down naked and bring her to me.

Beavis

That's a 10-4, good buddy. [speaks incomprehensible gibberish] Come on.

Butt-head

That's pretty cool, Beavis. You could be a cop.

Beavis

I think it's like, in my blood because I heard my dad was, like, in the navy or something.

Beavis

This is, like, one of those dudes that's like really intense all the time, like, he wears earrings and stuff, and like, sometimes he's pretty cool, but sometimes you just like, go, "Settle down, dammit!".

Butt-head

Yeah. Guys like this, like, they always come into Burger World telling you why meat's bad for you, and stuff. But it's like, I always tell 'em, "If meat's bad for you, then how come it's food?"

Beavis

Yeah, really. See, that's a good point.

Butt-head

Then I tell 'em to get the hell out of my restaurant.