Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

This looks like that dude from, uhhh, from that movie, Smell of a Woman.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

You know, he was, like, blind and stuff.

Beavis

Yeah, and he's like, "Hoowah! Hoowah! Hoowah!" He's a good actor.

Butt-head

So if you were on a desert island, and you could only bring three things, what would you bring?

Beavis

Well, let me think. I'd bring some crackers, so I'd have something to eat. And then I'd bring a swimsuit, so I could go swimming. And I'd bring some Cheez Whiz to put on the crackers.

Butt-head

That would be cool.

Beavis

So what would you bring, Butt-head? You know, if you were on a desert island?

Butt-head

I'd bring three chicks. Then I'd have a massage-a-thra.

Beavis

You know, I wanna do mine over again. I wanna bring three chicks too.

Butt-head

Beavis, you can't do it over again, you already blew it. I'll be scoring with three chicks while you'll be eating crackers and choking your chicken.

Beavis

No way, really? Dammit!

Beavis

Whoa, look at that shoe! Look, high heels!

Butt-head

Yeah. That must mean there's a chick.

Beavis

Or Todd Rundgren.

Butt-head

Who?

Beavis

Todd Rundgren.

Butt-head

Who the hell is he, Beavis?

Beavis

You don't know who Todd Rundgren is?

Butt-head

Uh, no. And you don't either.

Beavis

Um...oh yeah.

Butt-head

Uh...he's drinking.

Beavis

I can hardly wait 'till I get older and like, get a job and stuff so I can drink.

Butt-head

Yeah. I plan on doing some smoking too.

Butt-head

Hey, that's that street where Madonna wanted to have her baby.

Beavis

So what?

Butt-head

Well, then you think of something to say, bunghole! At least I'm trying.

Beavis

Okay, I will think of something to say. Schlong. Poop. Anything's better than that.

Butt-head

Whoa! Check it out!

Beavis

She must have been drinking milk, because she's getting bigger, see?

Butt-head

Yeah. And her boobs got bigger too.

Beavis

Whoa, hey, that just gave me an idea! You know what would be cool, is if they could make me big, then shrink me again, but keep my wiener the same size! That would rule, because then I'd have this gigantic schlong!

Butt-head

Uhh, yeah. But, like, if they could really do that, then you could just have them just make your wiener bigger.

Beavis

No no, Butt-head. I'm saying they make me bigger, see then because my wiener would get bigger, then shrink me, and keep my wiener the same size.

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis! What are you talking about? Who are "they?" And who cares anyway? Just shut up!

Beavis

Well...I thought it was a pretty good idea.

Butt-head

Is this another video with big Muppets?

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah, here we go. Seems like they have these, like, big bird things in every video now.

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

I was just thinking, you know, you ever notice, um...Big Bird? He never poops.

Butt-head

Uh, yeah.

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, they should have him poop. Then it'd be more realistic.

Butt-head

[laughs] Then Big Bird could have a big turd.

Beavis

[laughs] Oh yeah, that's pretty good, Butt-head!

Butt-head

I'm pretty funny.

Beavis

You know, if I was a big bird, I'd fly around in the sky and stuff, and then, like, fly over people and poop on their lunch. I'd be like [imitates dive-bomber] "Nyaaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!-nyaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!"

Butt-head

That would be cool.

Beavis

Yeah, that would rule. Actually, y'know I probably could do that without being a bird. It's like, I could go into the cafeteria, and just like stand up on the table, y'know, and pull down my pants and like, go around while people are eating their lunch and just go "Poop!"

Butt-head

Okay, settle down, Beavis.

Beavis

And run over there and go "Poop!" A little "Poop!" over there.

Butt-head

That's enough.

Beavis

It's chicken-fried steak! Poop!

Butt-head

Uhh...this is kinda irritating.

Beavis

Hehe, yeah. I bet this is one of those songs that, like, it sucks right now, but then later on it starts rocking.

Butt-head

Uhh, how do you know?

Beavis

Cause, that one guy's got a goatee.

Butt-head

Uhh, oh. Well, let's see. [the chorus starts, but it doesn't start rocking] Uuuuhhhh!!! Is that what you're talking about, Beavis?

Beavis

What's going on?

Butt-head

What the hell is going on here?

Beavis

Yeah, what...what is this??

Butt-head

[imitates an arpeggio in the song] Dududududududuh-daaaaaaaaahhh!!!

Butt-head

This is like that easy listening stuff.

Beavis

Oh yeah. How come they call that easy listening, when it's like, it's really hard to listen to? It makes me sick!

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, you promised that this would start rocking!

Beavis

I didn't promise, Butt-head, I said maybe it would start rocking!

Butt-head

Well, maybe I'm gonna smack you upside the head, dumbass.

Beavis

Well, I'm gonna kick your ass, I promise. Butthole.

Butt-head

[[sings in imitation again] Uhh...dududududududuh-daaaahhh!!! How come these guys suck so much?

Beavis

Yeah. They dress up like they're gonna rock, but then they just suck!

Butt-head

Yeah. These guys are like a cross between Stone Temple Pilots and...

Beavis

Yeah, and my nads...

Butt-head

Nelson, and...

Beavis

And my butt...

Butt-head

Billy Joel, and like, uhh...

Beavis

And some turds...

Butt-head

Eddie Rabbitt...

Butt-head

This looks like that movie, One Flew In the Cuckoo's Nest.

Beavis

Oh yeah, where they got those guys from Taxi, only they're retarded.

Butt-head

Uhh, you know, I heard you're not supposed to call them retarded. You're supposed to call them...uhh, mentally superior or something.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Beavis

Remember that big Indian dude in that movie?

Butt-head

Mm-hm.

Beavis

He was cool. And then he couldn't talk unless he was talking about gum.

Butt-head

Uhh, I think you're not supposed to call them Indian either.

Beavis

No way, really?

Butt-head

Yeah. You're supposed to call them African American.