Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, if turds could talk, what would they say?

Beavis

They'd say: "I don't like being a turd! Being a turd sucks!" It's like, you gotta, like, try to swim in the toilet, and then you like, get flushed down, and then you, go through the pipes, and then you go out to the ocean! And then there's like, sharks and stuff!

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis! Turds don't drown. They float!

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah!

Butt-head

Whoa! Those giraffes are pretty cool!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! I like the turds better though.

Butt-head

Would you feel bad about flushing a talking turd?

Beavis

No way! I'd say: "Drown you fecal matter!"

Beavis

WHoa, look at their hair, Butthead! It reminds me of like those pom poms, at like pep rallies.

You go to pep rallies?

Beavis

Yeah. You know, sometimes I go just to check out the butts.

If these guys practiced their instruments, as much as they practiced shaking their hair around, they'd be like pretty good, probably.

Beavis

I don't know, they'd probably still suck, probably. But you know maybe that's just me, I don't know.

Beavis

Whoa, check it out, it's Cousin Itt!

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

[jabbers like Cousin Itt]

Beavis

Whoa, what are they doing to that guy?

Butt-head

Uhh...maybe they're welding his buttcheeks shut.

Beavis

Um, heh...why would they do that?

Butt-head

Uh...I dunno, I think it would be cool to have a butt without a crack. It's like, instead of having two buttcheeks, you just have one. That would rule.

Beavis

So like, um, how would you take a dump?

Butt-head

Uhh, it's like, you wouldn't have to take a dump anymore. Because like, you know, you'd only have one butt.

Beavis

Really? But, I dunno, I'd kinda miss it.

Butt-head

This buttmunch sounds like Dave Mustaine.

Beavis

Yeah, really. [imitates Dave Mustaine, growls incomprehensible gibberish]

Butt-head

Yeah. What a buttmunch!

Beavis

Whoa look, he just flipped somebody off!

Butt-head

He did?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, that's pretty cool cool.

Butt-head

Uhh, not unless we know who he flipped off.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

[sees a man being crucified] Maybe he flipped off that dude.

Beavis

Yeah, what is that?

Butt-head

Uhh, I think it's like, a gong.

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, you hit him in the nads and he goes [screams] "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Butt-head

Yeah. Why don't they do that? It might help the song out a little bit.

Butt-head

Uh...who is this dude? He looks familiar.

Beavis

Oh yeah! That's um, um, uh, what's his name, uh...Captain Kangaroo!

Butt-head

Captain what?

Beavis

You know, Captain Kangaroo! With Mr. Green Jeans and Magic Drawing Board. You know.

Beavis

Um...what kind of music is this?

Butt-head

Uh...I think this is like some kinda gangsta rap.

Butt-head

I bet this dude scores a lot because like, he wears black.

Beavis

Plus, he's like, old.

Kind of evil make me want to grab my submachine.

Beavis

Whoa! This is pretty violent.

Butt-head

Yeah. Enough is enough.

First time I shot her...

Butt-head

Whoa! He shouldn't have shot that chick. She's pretty hot.

Beavis

Yeah, really!

Butt-head

I would've taken her off his hands.

Beavis

Yeah, you know what he should have done? He should have fired some warning shots in the air, and that would have scared her away. And then I could score.

Butt-head

I guess if a chick has to choose between dying or like doing it with you, you might actually have a chance of scoring, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah, I know! That's why I was suggesting it.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, did you see it when Bonaduce fought Donny Osmond?

Butt-head

Uh... that was on Pay-per-view, Beavis. We don't get that.

Beavis

Yeah, but I saw like, highlights from it later. It was cool. Did you see when Bonaduce fought Geraldo?

Butt-head

Oh yeah! Was that when he like, threw a chair at him and broke his nose?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah yeah!

Butt-head

That would be cool like, if Mrs. Partridge kicked Geraldo's ass.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! And the winner gets to face Bonaduce in the finals.

Butt-head

That would be cool if like, the whole Partridge family kicked Geraldo's ass.

Beavis

Oh yeah! And then like, Tracy could kick him in the nads.

Butt-head

Yeah. She could stick her tambourine up his butt.

Beavis

Or like, Chris could stick a drumstick up his butt.

Butt-head

And then Geraldo would be saying, 'That's no fair, there's two Chris's!'

Beavis

Yeah. [Imitating Michael Buffer] ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?!

Beavis

That dude looks kinda funny.

Butt-head

Yeah. Yeah, he kinda was.

Beavis

What is this, anyways?

Butt-head

Uhh...I dunno, some kind of show.

Beavis

Yeah, this is kinda cool.

Butt-head

Uhh, yeah. I mean, it's like, the music is horrible. But it rules!

Beavis

We should watch this all the time. Yeah, this rules.

Butt-head

I bet you could score with some of those chicks in the audience by just going up to them and saying, "Hey baby. I'm NOT in the band."

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! Like, all you'd have to do is say "Yeah, I have nothing to do with these guys. Wanna make out?" That would rule.

Butt-head

You know, it's like, this video's cool. It's got something for everyone. You know, like, whatever you're into, like, if you're into a dude wiggling his butt around, they've got that.

Beavis

Ah, no thanks!

Butt-head

If you're into lions, they've got that.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Or if you're into horrible music, they have that too. Yeah, something for everybody.

Butt-head

Everybody sucks.

Beavis

Yeah, everybody is stupid!

Butt-head

Whoa! He's just like, walking around in his underwear!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah and he's having popcorn for breakfast, that's pretty cool!