Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Butt-head, you think he has morning wood?

Butt-head

Yeah. He's got a breakfast burrito.

Beavis

Yeah. [[Imitates Mexican accent] And a chimichanga! A chimichanga!

Beavis

Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! How did that dude get all those chicks?

Butt-head

'Cause, dumbass, his name is Schlong.

Beavis

Oh yeah! Cheech & Schlong. I forgot about that. You know what? Cheech should change his name to Buttcheeks, and then it's like, Buttcheeks & Schlong.

Butt-head

Uh...I don't think you'd get chicks with a name like Buttcheeks, Beavis.

Beavis

Um...oh. That was my nickname when I was a kid--Buttcheeks.

Butt-head

Uh...oh yeah.

Beavis

Check it out, Butt-head, a whore!

Butt-head

Uh...what makes you think that's a whore, Beavis?

Beavis

I was just, you know, I was just pretending, I guess. I don't know.

Butt-head

Uh...well, if you're gonna do that, why not just pretend, you know, you're doing it with her?

Beavis

Oh, well I was gonna do that. See, I was gonna pretend she was a whore, and then I was gonna pretend I had some money, and then I was gonna pretend I was doing her, see? That's how it works, see? That's what you call a fantasy, bungwipe.

Butt-head

You know what this chick's name is?

Beavis

What?

Butt-head

Her name is Chick.

Beavis

No it's not.

Butt-head

No, I'm serious. I've seen this before. Her name's Chick. That's pretty cool, 'cause you can remember her name, 'cause she's a chick, and her name is Chick.

Beavis

Oh yeah. Maybe I should change my name to "Dude".

Butt-head

Yeah, or maybe you could change it to "Dumbass".

Beavis

She's supposed to be like in high school or something?

Butt-head

Uh...I don't know, she looks pretty old.

Beavis

Yeah, I think you're not allowed to become a whore until you get older.

Butt-head

Uh...you're still pretending she's a whore, Beavis? I thought you'd be pretending you were doing it by now.

Beavis

Well if you would shut up, maybe I would concentrate! Bunghole.

Butt-head

Uh, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!

Beavis

[joining in] Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!

Butt-head

Uh, I think this is gonna be stupid.

Beavis

Yeah! Who the hell is this buttmunch?

Butt-head

Why is this dork here? [mocking the lead singer's expression] "Duuuuuuuhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh!"

Beavis

This is like: "Behind the scenes at a crappy band recording session!"

Beavis

Look at that guy's poodle hair!

Butt-head

These guys probably, like, went to Super Cuts and said: "Could you just, like, make it more poofy?"

Beavis

Yeah, yeah: "But keep the length! We want it, like, poofy on top, and then long and straight on the sides, yeah. That would look really cool!"

Butt-head

So like, did you ask the barber to make your hair poofy too?

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! My hair's like this naturally. That's how come I'm cool.

Butt-head

No wonder you're such a wuss!

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! Chicks like it.

Beavis

That guy looks like a cheerleader. Yeah, yeah: "All those years of hard work and practice in the garage, finally pay off when you see the looks on those peoples faces out in the audience!"

Butt-head

These dudes are like: "Look at me, I'm kicking!"

Beavis

"Yeah, yeah, look at me! I'm throwing my guitar around and wiggling my butt, see?! Just like we practiced!"

Butt-head

"Yeah, look at me! I'm shaking my hips and kicking just like we did at practice!"

Beavis

Oh, man! Boy I'm glad that's over.

Butt-head

Yeah. Check it though, they're not stopping.

So what do you think, y'think we got a hit with this one?

Butt-head

[mockingly] "So you think we got a hit? Mwuh wuh buh uhhhh."

Beavis

Oh, boy.

Butt-head

Uhhhh.

Beavis

[mockingly] Ohhhh, ah ha ha ha ha! Boy, that was funny!

Butt-head

Uh-oh.

Beavis

Eh ha ha ha! Ohhhhh, they went to Bon Jovi! [mock laughter]

Beavis

These guys are in a trash can.

Butt-head

Yeah. Somebody probably threw them in the garbage.

Butt-head

Who are these guys?

Beavis

Um...I think it's the Village People.

Butt-head

Uh...oh yeah.

Beavis

Well I'll be hornswoggled and dipped in turds!

Butt-head

This guy keeps saying "I wanna destroy you."

Beavis

Yeah, they got some pretty good lyrics, you know? Seems like it must be pretty hard to come up with stuff like that.

Butt-head

Uh, but you know, I bet if I was making as much money as these guys probably make, I bet I could do it too.

Beavis

Uh... I don't know, Butt-head. I don't know, I mean... you're kinda stupid.

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis! I could come up with stuff like this.

Beavis

OK, let's see you write a song. Come on!

Butt-head

Uh... OK. Uh, let's see. Uh...I wanna hit you.

Beavis

Uh-huh.

Butt-head

Then I wanna kick you. Then I wanna smack you across the face. Uh... then I want some nachos... baby.

Beavis

Whoa! That's pretty good, Butt-head! We should start a band.

Butt-head

Yeah!

Beavis

That'd be cool.

Beavis

Alright, Montel Williams! Maybe they'll have some whores.

Butt-head

Yeah. Or some sluts!

Beavis

Or a girlfight.

Butt-head

Yeah, or some skank-hos!

Beavis

Yeah...ah, oh no. It's a video.

Butt-head

Uh...

Beavis

...yeah.

Butt-head

Well, see you later Beavis. [Gets up from couch and walks away]

Beavis

Ah, wait wait wait. Wait just a minute. Just check out. Maybe like, "give it a chance?"

Butt-head

Uh...okay. [sits back down] At least it doesn't look like a video.

Beavis

Yeah, exactly.

Butt-head

Uh...doesn't your mom watch Montel Williams?

Beavis

Yeah, she watches Montel Williams, The Jerry Springer Show, Jane Whitney...she watches all of them. She's always like, "I should be on one of those shows, Beavis!" [makes drunken sound]

Butt-head

Yeah, but like, what would be the topic?

Beavis

Um...I don't know.

Butt-head

It would be like, "I'm a slut and my son's a dumbass." Next on Montel Williams.

Beavis

Yeah, that's a good one, Butt-head! That way, we could both be on it. That would rule!

Butt-head

You dumbass.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, who is this?

Butt-head

Uh...I think it's Seinfeld.

Beavis

Really? I didn't know Seinfeld rocked!

Butt-head

Uh...this is like back before he had his show. It's like, you know...Queen Latifah used to do videos and how she has a show?

Beavis

Oh yeah. I like the fat dude on Seinfeld.

Butt-head

I think he replaced the drummer. Remember the episode where they talked about choking their chicken?

Beavis

I thought they talked about not choking their chicken.

Butt-head

Yeah. I like that episode where he can see Elaine's boobs on the Christmas card.

Beavis

No way Butt-head! I couldn't see them!

Butt-head

Yeah, you could see her boobs! TV needs more stuff like that.