Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

This sucks more than anything I've ever seen

Beavis

Yeah, this sucks, like...like lots and lots.

Butt-head

Let me count the ways in which this sucks. Uh...one?

Beavis

Two...

Butt-head

Uh...four?

Beavis

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...thirteen?

Butt-head

Uh...seven? Oh wait, we already counted that one.

Beavis

Yeah, but if it happened again, that means it sucks again.

Butt-head

Oh yeah! Um...eleventeen...

Butt-head

Uh...what comes after eleventeen again?

Beavis

Um...thirteen. [Resumes counting] Uh...fifteen...

Beavis

[Sees two men fighting] Hit him! Hit him! Pull his hair!

Butt-head

Cool!

Beavis

Maybe we should like...take some points off because that was pretty cool.

Butt-head

No way, Beavis! Just because something's cool doesn't mean something else doesn't suck.

Beavis

What?

Butt-head

[yelling] I SAID JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING'S COOL DOESN'T MEAN SOMETHING ELSE DOESN'T SUCK!!!

Beavis

Um...what?

Butt-head

NEVER MIND, BUTTMUNCH!!!

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, why are we watching this?

Butt-head

Uhh...I dunno.

Butt-head

Uhh, alright!

Beavis

What?

Butt-head

Uhh, alright! This is kinda cool.

Beavis

Really? Yeah, I guess so.

Butt-head

Yeah, you know, it's kinda groovy. Kinda has a nice little thing, you know? Kinda makes me feel good.

Beavis

Yeah, I guess so. I see what you're saying. It's kinda...[hums the melody] Yeah, this is really cool.

Butt-head

Uhh, Beavis, I was just kidding. [laughs] Dumbass.

Beavis

I know. Shut up, Butt-head!

Butt-head

You really like this crap.

Beavis

No I don't, Butt-head, I was just kidding!

Butt-head

What a wuss!

Beavis

Butt-head...stop it! I hate everything about it! I hate this. I hate it! Shut up!

Beavis

You know what'd be cool, is if it just started pouring rain right now.

Butt-head

Yeah. Or maybe there'd be, like, a sudden hailstorm

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! Or a turd storm!

Butt-head

There's no such thing as a turd storm, Beavis.

Beavis

This is a video, Butt-head! They could have anything they want! And I wanna see a turd storm!

Butt-head

Settle down, Beavis. And I thought I told you to quit talking about turds all the time.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, change it, come on, this sucks.

Butt-head

Uh, let's just cool out for a minute, Beavis.

Beavis

Ummmmmmmmmm.......

Beavis

Come on, Butt-head, this video sucks.

Butt-head

Uh, it sucks now, but like, there's something cool later.

Beavis

Really?

Butt-head

Yeah, just cool out.

Beavis

Come on Butt-head, this sucks, what happens?

Butt-head

Uh, it's like it sucks and sucks, and then it's like, it's over. It's really cool.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. I can hardly wait 'til it's over! This is gonna be cool!

Butt-head

[slaps Beavis] Wake up, butthole, you're gonna miss the cool part!

Beavis

Oh! Oh, thanks! So like, um, is it over yet?

Butt-head

Uh, here it comes! Yes! Yes!

Beavis

Yeah!

Butt-head

Cool!

Beavis

Yeah! It's over! Yeah, that was cool!

Butt-head

Uhhhhhh. I'm tired.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, you know who these guys are?

Butt-head

No, and I don't care, either.

Beavis

This is Faith No More.

Butt-head

[sarcastic] Yeah, right. Faith No More.

Beavis

No, I'm serious. See, they have a new sound, and a new look.

Butt-head

They just look and sound like everything else.

Beavis

I don't know, it kinda rocks.

Butt-head

I wanna lay down. Move over!

Beavis

No way! I'm gonna sit right here and watch this.

Butt-head

Come on, Beavis, get up!

Beavis

No way, Butt-head! I always sit here.

Butt-head

Beavis, I'm gonna give you ten seconds to get up.

Beavis

I've been sitting here for years, and you've been sitting there, and it's like, why change now?

Butt-head

Come on, Beavis! Besides, it's like, you always sit too close to me.

Beavis

No way! If I move over any more, then there's a spring that goes up my bunghole.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, my uncle was over here, and he left a six-foot poop in the toilet, and he didn't flush.

Beavis

Really?

Butt-head

You should check it out.

Beavis

Is it still there?

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

Let me go have a look. [exits. Butt-head lies down on the couch.]

Beavis

[referring to a man dressed in women's clothing] That chick's pretty hot.

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

Ooooaaah.

Butt-head

They must have just did it and now she's like, fixing herself up.

Beavis

Yeah, heh heh. After I do it I like to y'know like, comb my hair and then like, y'know, then like, flush the toilet and stuff.

Butt-head

Uh huh huh! You monkeyspank.

I'm easy like Sunday morning...

Butt-head

What's so great about Sunday morning?

Beavis

Yeah. Sunday morning sucks.

Butt-head

Yeah. Afternoon is no picnic either.

Beavis

You know what really sucks is evening.

Butt-head

Yeah. In fact, the whole day sucks.

Beavis

Yeah. Every single day sucks.

Beavis

Well, I guess I'm gonna read a magazine. [picks up a magazine]

Butt-head

Uhh...you don't know how to read, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah I do, I can sorta read. And um, besides, there's like lots of pictures of cleavage in the back. Do you mind if I just read this magazine for a while?

Butt-head

I don't give a rat's ass what you do, Beavis.

Beavis

Ah boy. Yep. This magazine's pretty cool. Whoa, check it out. Wow. Whoa! Something else.

Butt-head

Uhh, I'm not gonna ask you what you're looking at, Beavis. So quit trying.

Beavis

Heh. I'll be damned. Whoa, check it out. This is that dude from Love Boat. Look. He looks all old. It's like, he has a dog. And I think that's his son. That's great. What is this we're watching, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Uhh, nothing. Do you have any other magazines?

Beavis

Ah, no. Just this one.

Butt-head

Can I read it when you're done?

Beavis

No. No you can't. This is mine. It's for me. It's for me to read.

Butt-head

Beavis...

Beavis

Whoa, this guy was working construction, and he had like, this big pole like, shoved through his butt, it came out the other end, and it's like, he's still alive. And he has a gigantic bunghole now.

Butt-head

Where'd you get that, Beavis?

Beavis

I got it in the dentist's office. They're like, just there. They're free, you can just take them.

Butt-head

Boy, I'm bored. Where is that dentist's office, Beavis?

Beavis

You know where it is, it's over by Maxi-Mart.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. I'm gonna go get a magazine.

Beavis

Oh no. Just look at this crap. It's, like, another one of those videos where you don't even remember it right after you saw it.

Butt-head

You can't remember any videos right after you saw 'em, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah I can. That's how I know this is one of those videos.

Butt-head

I'm getting tired of seeing all these videos where it's all out of focus and it's all blurry and blobby and a bunch of art crap.

Beavis

Yeah, really.

Butt-head

Art sucks.

Beavis

Yeah, it's all like...you know there's all this stuff, and there's like, all these colours...

Butt-head

Yeah. It's all, uhh...[the pair fall asleep]