Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Why do you think this chick like, dresses up like a slut?

Butt-head

Prince makes sure that all his women look like sluts.

Beavis

Oh, yeah. That's one thing I like about him.

Butt-head

Yeah. He has a vision.

Beavis

Yeah, me too. Someday, all of the girls in the world will come all onto me.

Beavis

Um, is that Christ?

Butt-Head

Uh, what language is he speaking? Uh, I think it's Mexican.

Beavis

Um, you know Butt-Head, you really shouldn't say that, seriously. Come on. You know better than that.

Butt-Head

Uh, oh yeah. It's Spanish.

Beavis

Wow. So Jesus can speak Spanish? That's uh, that's pretty impressive you know, because it's not easy to learn a second language. Not anybody can do that.

Butt-Head

It is a miracle.

Beavis

Yeah, that Christ is something else. I didn't know he had it in him, you know?

Butt-Head

Yeah. He may look like a bum, but he can do a lot.

Beavis

[as prisoners try to escape prison] Wow, they really hate this song.

Butt-Head

These people would rather get shot than listen to him anymore.

Beavis

Alright! A chick band. Look at all these naked dudes! They're just like sitting there! What's going on?

Butt-head

Yeah. Look, you can see that one dude's nutsack!

Beavis

Look, a buttcheek! A schlong! A nad!

Butt-head

Those are just hands, Beavis. That's not his nads, his nutsack or his buttcheeks.

Beavis

I don't know. You know, this is kind of messed up. It's like, they have all these dudes there, and like, they don't even think of them like people. They're just there, like they're these things for these chicks to look at and get off on, it's like, it's disgusting! This band should be ashamed of the way they're treating men, and um, and uh, these men shouldn't have the uh, they should not be in this video!

Butt-head

Uh, well...if these chicks asked you to get naked and be in their video, would you do it?

Beavis

Uh, yeah! But that's different; see, but then it would be me, and I'd be naked. That would rule.

Beavis

How come whenever you see a chick band, they're always looking down at their hands when they play?

Butt-head

Maybe they're looking at their boobs; did you ever think of that?

Beavis

Oh yeah. I guess I would look at my boobs too.

Butt-head

These chicks are pretty cool. They just have a bunch of naked dudes around so they can use them whenever they need it.

Beavis

Yeah. Some bands have a bunch of water bottles and stuff around so if they get thirsty, but these chicks just like, keep naked dudes. That rules--you know, for a chick.

Butt-head

It's a pretty good idea. You'll probably see a lot more bands doing that now.

Beavis

Is this a commercial?

Butt-head

Yeah, it's a commercial for MTV's House of Butt.

Butt-head

Uh! This sucks!

Beavis

Yeah! AAAAHHHH! It's like, it sucks!

Butt-head

This is horrible.

Beavis

Yeah, and it sucks too.

Butt-head

Beavis, "sucks" isn't strong enough a word to describe this crap.

Beavis

Yeah, it's like it sucks...a lot.

Beavis

Is this Boy George?!

Butt-head

Yeah. He's all fat now.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! I heard he's like, trying to be manly now, and he's not gonna dress up like a chick anymore.

Butt-head

He's a turd.

Butt-head

You know, he's bisexual.

Beavis

Oh yeah. Um, I know what that means, but just as a test, why don't you tell me what that means?

Butt-head

Beavis, you dumbass, you don't know? It means he has two schlongs!

Beavis

So, like, um...if you had two wieners, how many nads would you have?

Butt-head

Uh...I'd guess you'd have, you know, like three or something.

Beavis

And then, whoa, I just thought of something else! So like, if you have two wieners, you know, if you go to take a leak, you just decide which one you're gonna take a leak out of...or you take a leak out of both of them...you know, sometimes you have a boner! Would you have both of them at the same time?

Butt-head

You should do stand-up comedy, Beavis.

Beavis

Oh really? Thanks, I think so too.

Beavis

Well, I guess I'll go take a leak.

Butt-head

No way, Beavis! I get to take a leak when the video sucks.

Beavis

No way, Butt-head! I got up first!

Butt-head

Yeah, but I have to take a dump. That's more important.

Beavis

No way, Butt-head! I was gonna take a dump too, I was just like, you know, embarrassed.

Butt-head

Well, you snooze, you lose. [leaves the room]

Beavis

Uhh, this sucks. Hey Butt-head...[turns around and sees Butt-head has left] Oh. Um...guess I'll go take a leak. [gets up]

Butt-head

[calling from bathroom] Beavis, stay on the damn couch! [Beavis sits down]

Beavis

[hums] Dun da da dun...da na nun dun...[calls out] Hey Butt-head, are you almost done in there?

Butt-head

Uhh, just a few more minutes.

Beavis

Guess I'll go take a leak. [leaves the room. The sound of a door opening can be heard]

Butt-head

UH!

Beavis

AAHH!!

Butt-head

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEAVIS?!

Beavis

DAMMIT, BUTT-HEAD!!

Butt-head

NEVER COME INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M TAKING A DUMP!!

Beavis

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU'RE NOT TAKING A DUMP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Butt-head

I JUST HAVEN'T STARTED YET, GET OUTTA HERE, BEAVIS!!

Beavis

YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT IN HERE!!

Butt-head

DAMMIT, BEAVIS!! GO BACK AND WATCH THE DAMN VIDEO, AND LIKE, SAY STUFF!!

Hey baby, yo baby, hey baby, yo baby...

Butt-head

This chick doesn't sing very good.

Beavis

Yeah. She should like, um, just talk or something.

[Begins talking] So I'm walking down the street, minding my own business...

Beavis

Okay. That's better.

Butt-head

Is she like, telling a joke?

Beavis

Oh yeah, I think it is. Why don't you shut up so we can hear it?

Butt-head

Beavis...

I get all tense and nervous...

Beavis

Uh huh.

...but I keep walking...

Beavis

Ah! Uh huh.

...but the guy, he's dogging my every move.

Beavis

Yeah, that'd piss me off too.

Hey Miss, he says, don't miss this! [A man grabs his crotch; Beavis and Butt-head laugh]

Butt-head

Now that's a good joke.

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, that chick was talking about all this stuff, and then that guy grabs his wiener! I'm gonna have to tell that one to my Uncle Mike.

Butt-head

Yeah, he'd get it.

Beavis

Whoa, that chick is all over him! Check it out.

Butt-head

Yeah, it's like, he was minding his own business, trying to grab his wiener...

Beavis

I heard that.

Butt-head

...and then she just came up and got in his face!

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, he was just trying to grab his wiener, you know!

Butt-head

Uh huh.

Beavis

And she just jumped on him! That never happens to me! I grab my wiener all the time. I'm gonna grab my wiener right now.

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, do that outside.

Butt-head

Oh my God.

Beavis

Oh, dear Lord!

Butt-head

This sucks.

Beavis

AAAH! Good God Almighty!