Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Uh...who is this dude? He looks familiar.

Beavis

Oh yeah! That's um, um, uh, what's his name, uh...Captain Kangaroo!

Butt-head

Captain what?

Beavis

You know, Captain Kangaroo! With Mr. Green Jeans and Magic Drawing Board. You know.

Beavis

Um...what kind of music is this?

Butt-head

Uh...I think this is like some kinda gangsta rap.

Butt-head

I bet this dude scores a lot because like, he wears black.

Beavis

Plus, he's like, old.

Kind of evil make me want to grab my submachine.

Beavis

Whoa! This is pretty violent.

Butt-head

Yeah. Enough is enough.

First time I shot her...

Butt-head

Whoa! He shouldn't have shot that chick. She's pretty hot.

Beavis

Yeah, really!

Butt-head

I would've taken her off his hands.

Beavis

Yeah, you know what he should have done? He should have fired some warning shots in the air, and that would have scared her away. And then I could score.

Butt-head

I guess if a chick has to choose between dying or like doing it with you, you might actually have a chance of scoring, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah, I know! That's why I was suggesting it.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, did you see it when Bonaduce fought Donny Osmond?

Butt-head

Uh... that was on Pay-per-view, Beavis. We don't get that.

Beavis

Yeah, but I saw like, highlights from it later. It was cool. Did you see when Bonaduce fought Geraldo?

Butt-head

Oh yeah! Was that when he like, threw a chair at him and broke his nose?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah yeah!

Butt-head

That would be cool like, if Mrs. Partridge kicked Geraldo's ass.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! And the winner gets to face Bonaduce in the finals.

Butt-head

That would be cool if like, the whole Partridge family kicked Geraldo's ass.

Beavis

Oh yeah! And then like, Tracy could kick him in the nads.

Butt-head

Yeah. She could stick her tambourine up his butt.

Beavis

Or like, Chris could stick a drumstick up his butt.

Butt-head

And then Geraldo would be saying, 'That's no fair, there's two Chris's!'

Beavis

Yeah. [Imitating Michael Buffer] ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?!

Beavis

That dude looks kinda funny.

Butt-head

Yeah. Yeah, he kinda was.

Beavis

What is this, anyways?

Butt-head

Uhh...I dunno, some kind of show.

Beavis

Yeah, this is kinda cool.

Butt-head

Uhh, yeah. I mean, it's like, the music is horrible. But it rules!

Beavis

We should watch this all the time. Yeah, this rules.

Butt-head

I bet you could score with some of those chicks in the audience by just going up to them and saying, "Hey baby. I'm NOT in the band."

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! Like, all you'd have to do is say "Yeah, I have nothing to do with these guys. Wanna make out?" That would rule.

Butt-head

You know, it's like, this video's cool. It's got something for everyone. You know, like, whatever you're into, like, if you're into a dude wiggling his butt around, they've got that.

Beavis

Ah, no thanks!

Butt-head

If you're into lions, they've got that.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Or if you're into horrible music, they have that too. Yeah, something for everybody.

Butt-head

Everybody sucks.

Beavis

Yeah, everybody is stupid!

Butt-head

Whoa! He's just like, walking around in his underwear!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah and he's having popcorn for breakfast, that's pretty cool!

Beavis

Butt-head, you think he has morning wood?

Butt-head

Yeah. He's got a breakfast burrito.

Beavis

Yeah. [[Imitates Mexican accent] And a chimichanga! A chimichanga!

Beavis

Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! How did that dude get all those chicks?

Butt-head

'Cause, dumbass, his name is Schlong.

Beavis

Oh yeah! Cheech & Schlong. I forgot about that. You know what? Cheech should change his name to Buttcheeks, and then it's like, Buttcheeks & Schlong.

Butt-head

Uh...I don't think you'd get chicks with a name like Buttcheeks, Beavis.

Beavis

Um...oh. That was my nickname when I was a kid--Buttcheeks.

Butt-head

Uh...oh yeah.

Beavis

Check it out, Butt-head, a whore!

Butt-head

Uh...what makes you think that's a whore, Beavis?

Beavis

I was just, you know, I was just pretending, I guess. I don't know.

Butt-head

Uh...well, if you're gonna do that, why not just pretend, you know, you're doing it with her?

Beavis

Oh, well I was gonna do that. See, I was gonna pretend she was a whore, and then I was gonna pretend I had some money, and then I was gonna pretend I was doing her, see? That's how it works, see? That's what you call a fantasy, bungwipe.

Butt-head

You know what this chick's name is?

Beavis

What?

Butt-head

Her name is Chick.

Beavis

No it's not.

Butt-head

No, I'm serious. I've seen this before. Her name's Chick. That's pretty cool, 'cause you can remember her name, 'cause she's a chick, and her name is Chick.

Beavis

Oh yeah. Maybe I should change my name to "Dude".

Butt-head

Yeah, or maybe you could change it to "Dumbass".

Beavis

She's supposed to be like in high school or something?

Butt-head

Uh...I don't know, she looks pretty old.

Beavis

Yeah, I think you're not allowed to become a whore until you get older.

Butt-head

Uh...you're still pretending she's a whore, Beavis? I thought you'd be pretending you were doing it by now.

Beavis

Well if you would shut up, maybe I would concentrate! Bunghole.

Butt-head

Uh, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!

Beavis

[joining in] Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!

Butt-head

Uh, I think this is gonna be stupid.

Beavis

Yeah! Who the hell is this buttmunch?

Butt-head

Why is this dork here? [mocking the lead singer's expression] "Duuuuuuuhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh!"

Beavis

This is like: "Behind the scenes at a crappy band recording session!"

Beavis

Look at that guy's poodle hair!

Butt-head

These guys probably, like, went to Super Cuts and said: "Could you just, like, make it more poofy?"

Beavis

Yeah, yeah: "But keep the length! We want it, like, poofy on top, and then long and straight on the sides, yeah. That would look really cool!"

Butt-head

So like, did you ask the barber to make your hair poofy too?

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! My hair's like this naturally. That's how come I'm cool.

Butt-head

No wonder you're such a wuss!

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! Chicks like it.