Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

You know what this dude looks like? This dude looks like that chick. That tennis player...Monica Phallus.

Butt-head

How come you know so much about tennis all of a sudden?

Beavis

Um, well you know, I like to watch the Wilbumdon. Oh, and also, there's this chick, and her name is ‘Stiffy.'

Butt-head

Oh yeah, Stiffy Graf.

Beavis

You know, this part right here, this was already in another video. Was it...[sings]...Stand in the place where you live...yeah, that's what this was in!

Butt-head

Uhh...yeah, I think everything in this video was in another video.

Beavis

Oh yeah. It's like everything you see in this video was in another video.

Butt-head

Everything sucks.

Butt-head

Oh no, what is this crap?

Beavis

Yeah, why is she just sitting there?

Butt-head

Yeah. Get up!

Beavis

Just like, just stand up and get out of there.

Butt-head

I wish she would stand up and leave.

Beavis

And I wish the music would stop too.

Butt-head

Yeah. Just because we have to sit through this crap doesn't mean she can too!

Beavis

Hey look, Butt-head! They're throwing a bunch of crap on her!

Butt-head

Yeah! And she still won't get up.

Beavis

Maybe she's inside one of those things, you know like when you shake it and there's a snowman in it and stuff comes down?

Butt-head

Oh yeah. I like to break those.

Beavis

Yeah. Me too. I like to break just about anything.

Butt-head

What's all that crap she's holding?

Beavis

I don't know. Maybe they're like tools or something.

Butt-head

...tools?

Beavis

Hey check out those guys!

Butt-head

Oh yeah. Mr. Bungholio and his twirling fartknockers.

Beavis

Yeah. It's like someone said, "Okay, this sucks. I think it's time to bring out Mr. Bungholio and his twirling buttknockers."

Butt-head

Uh...that's fartknocker, Beavis.

Butt-head

I wish this chick would just quit whining.

Beavis

Um...you know, you could change the channel, Butt-head.

Butt-head

I shouldn't have to do that. She should just shut up. She's the one who sucks.

Butt-head

This is what happens when, like, old people try to rap.

Beavis

Hey, didn't this guy, like, already do this song before?

Butt-head

Oh yeah. But he has long hair now.

Beavis

You mean, like, every time you grow your hair long, you have to do all your songs over again?

Butt-head

No. That's not what I said. [raps] And you may ask yourself!

Beavis

And you may spank yourself!

Butt-head

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile!

Beavis

And you may find yourself, in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife! And you may ask her, "Where's the bathroom at?"

Butt-Head

Uhh, check it out! An Indian!

Beavis

You know, something I've always wondered about Indians, are they Mexicans?

Butt-Head

Uhh, Beavis?

Beavis

Yeah?

Butt-Head

Remember, you asked that question in Social Studies, and the teacher sent you to the principal's office?

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. And the principal didn't know either!

Butt-Head

Uh, do you know what "Cage the Elephant" means?

Beavis

Oh yeah, like um, choking your chicken?

Butt-Head

Beavis, you think everything means that! But uh, in this case, it does.

Butt-head

What's this? This is pretty cool.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! Who are these guys?

Butt-head

They look kinda like turds!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! Turds are cool!

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, if turds could talk, what would they say?

Beavis

They'd say: "I don't like being a turd! Being a turd sucks!" It's like, you gotta, like, try to swim in the toilet, and then you like, get flushed down, and then you, go through the pipes, and then you go out to the ocean! And then there's like, sharks and stuff!

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis! Turds don't drown. They float!

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah!

Butt-head

Whoa! Those giraffes are pretty cool!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! I like the turds better though.

Butt-head

Would you feel bad about flushing a talking turd?

Beavis

No way! I'd say: "Drown you fecal matter!"

Beavis

Whoa, check it out, it's Cousin Itt!

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

[jabbers like Cousin Itt]

Beavis

Whoa, what are they doing to that guy?

Butt-head

Uhh...maybe they're welding his buttcheeks shut.

Beavis

Um, heh...why would they do that?

Butt-head

Uh...I dunno, I think it would be cool to have a butt without a crack. It's like, instead of having two buttcheeks, you just have one. That would rule.

Beavis

So like, um, how would you take a dump?

Butt-head

Uhh, it's like, you wouldn't have to take a dump anymore. Because like, you know, you'd only have one butt.

Beavis

Really? But, I dunno, I'd kinda miss it.

Butt-head

This buttmunch sounds like Dave Mustaine.

Beavis

Yeah, really. [imitates Dave Mustaine, growls incomprehensible gibberish]

Butt-head

Yeah. What a buttmunch!

Beavis

Whoa look, he just flipped somebody off!

Butt-head

He did?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, that's pretty cool cool.

Butt-head

Uhh, not unless we know who he flipped off.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

[sees a man being crucified] Maybe he flipped off that dude.

Beavis

Yeah, what is that?

Butt-head

Uhh, I think it's like, a gong.

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, you hit him in the nads and he goes [screams] "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Butt-head

Yeah. Why don't they do that? It might help the song out a little bit.