Where have you guys been? We're on live in 20 minutes.
Sorry, Peck. Freddy tossed the limo driver out of the car.
I told him not to look me in the eye. And would you please refer to me by my new name, this? [shows an abstract symbol on a piece of paper]
[spits out bottled water] What is this?! I specifically requested spring water from a Peruvian glacier. This is from some other dumb glacier!
[enters] Greetings, all. I'd like you to meet my entourage.
Hey! How come he gets an entourage?!
Pig, that's not an entourage, that's just an old goat.
Yeah, well, that's one more goat than you got, sweetheart.
I could've gotten a goat. [the three start arguing] I can get a goat! I can get a goat any time...
So go get one. I don't see you getting a goat.
[enters in a flashy suit, top hat, and sunglasses, speaking in a British accent] Ahem! Hello, mates. Are you all ready for tonight's telly broadcast? Huh? What-what? Big Ben. Fish and chips.
Otis, what are you talking like a pirate for?
And what's with the new clothes? You're gonna upstage everyone!
Sorry, blokes. I can't hear ya. As it turns out, I'm a huge rock star, right on!
[Everyone starts arguing as Pip records.]
Don't look me in the eyes.
PipGreat stuff. Great stuff!
[Everyone keeps arguing.]
STOP IT!!! Just look at what success has done to us! [sobs] I thought we were all friends. I thought each of us contributed to our sound. Are you too self-centered to see that stardom... [voice breaking] ...is tearing us apart?
I'm sorry, what do you play again?
[normal voice] It's a thing that makes a noise. Why, it's clangy, is it?
Give us the first letter.
Pip
I can rewind the tape.
Is it bigger than a breadbox?
[fed up] That's it, I'm outta here! And I'm taking my triangle... with me!
Oh, I got it! It's a triangle!
Wait! Peck, come on, don't run out on us now! [the door slams]
Those breadbox players are real whackjobs, aren't they?
Pip
Expensive, too.
[Pip has kept Otis up all night.]
Pip
You wanna prank the paperboy?
[snaps at Pip] NO, I DON'T WANNA PRANK ANY PAPERBOY! I would really enjoy pranking my eyeballs back into being closed, and pranking my mouth into snoring, IN ONE LONG, EIGHT-HOUR, UNINTERRUPTED PRANK!
Pip
Are you on medication?
[Pig is horrified to see that Pip has cleaned his stall]
Pip
Surprise! It took me three hours to clean it.
Pip
No, don't cry, I wanted to do it!
Pip
[confused] Huh?
Do you know how long it took me to get my stall that filthy, huh? Years and years of grime and squalor down the drain!
Pip
B-But I just thought that-
[Pig wails, then becomes horrified when he sees something]
[hysterical] OH, NO! MY CRUSTY BLANKIE! IT'S ALL SOFT AND CLEAN! Get out! G-G-GET OUT!
[At the barn, Pig is attempting to hit a high note to break a glass bottle.]
If you can't break glass like that freak girl, we'll never win.
Aw, come on, Otis, I'm tired. My throat hurts.
No, it doesn't. That's your soft palate burning with the desire to win. Now try again!
Okay. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, laaaaaa...
Laaaaaaaaaaaaa--[chokes] Ow... Ooh... Ow...
Uh, Otis? I think he lost his voice!
[frantic] No! Don't you see? He did it! It's so high, it can only be heard by rodents and scorpions! Tell him, rodent!
Pip
[playing cards] I don't hear nothing. How about you?
SScorpion
[playing cards with Pip] Nope.
No, this isn't happening! Okay, don't panic, it's fine. You know what, it's fine. He still has a few hours to get his voice back.
Actually, he's due on stage in 20 minutes.
YOU AND YOUR TRUTH! Milk me, come on! [takes Pig]
I love a good train wreck.
Pip
Dude, for the last time, what's bugging you?
Ugh, fine! I got a letter today from Krouser Krebs.
Krouser Krebs? I've never heard of him.
You've never heard of him? Check out this flashback. [a flashback shows Otis as a calf wearing a propeller hat] Not a day would go by when I wasn't bullied by Krebs.
[singing] La-la-la-la-la, someday my head will fit my body
[Suddenly, Krebs's shadow looms over him]
[voiceover] Well, well, well. If it isn't Beef Boy. Time to take a stroll down the meat aisle. [punches Otis from offscreen] T-bone, rump roast, filet, sirloin... [laughs] Now let's see what we got in the dairy section.
No, no, not the dairy section.
2%, 1%, half and half... [laughs] Why are you squirting yourself? Stop squirting yourself. Clean up on aisle 3. [laughs] See you tomorrow, Beef Boy. [walks off]
[Back in reality]
Clean up on aisle 3. Clean up on aisle 3. [sighs] Krebs found me and he's coming for me at 10 A.M. tomorrow.
[Peck and Freddy approach Krebs]
We heard you're looking for Otis.
Otis is there, if you want him, you'd better go through us.
Hey, look, i don't want any...
[Peck and Freddy laugh]
You're in for it now, beak-face. You know why? I'll tell you why. Because we were the barnyard's champion taunters six years running.
Look, look, guys, i just want to talk to Otis, you see, I recently-
We know you are, but what are we?
[Peck and Freddy laugh again, then high-five each other]
I'm warning you, cut it out.
[The duo make goofy sounds, taunting Krebs. Krebs's head throbs and his eyes bulge up, turning bloodshot. He then blabbers and shakes with fury as Freddy and Peck look at each other, worried, then spins into a fight cloud]
Run away! [he and Peck try to run away from the fight cloud, but Krebs yanks them in, beating them up; poking out] Mommy!
[Abby gasps; Peck and Freddy are thrown into the barn doors]
Pip
Holy beat-down.
He can't do that to our friends. Come on fellas. [charges toward Krebs with Pig and Pip at his side]
No, don't! He'll tear you into pieces while enumerating the parts of your body in an insulting fashion!
[The trio leap and begin to attack Krebs, but are caught in the fight cloud]
NNarrator
Two-hundred and thirty minutes later...
[Krebs continues beating up Pig, Pip and Duke]
[laughing] Oh, mercy! Come for the stupidity, stay for the butt-whupping.
I can't just stand here... To the well! AAHHH, WELL! [jumps in the well]
[as he watches Krebs beat up Abby] Oh, no, not Abby. Now he's gone too far.
[after finishing Abby off] I'll ask one more time. Where's Otis?
I'm right here, Krebs. And you're done pushing my friends around.
Otis, finally. Listen, I just want-
Have at you! [beats up Krebs] Duck sauce! Spicy wings! Crispy meat roll! DUCK À L'ORANGE! [belly flops on top of him]
Pip
Otis, you did it.
[The others cheer for him]
I did it, I faced my fear. [suddenly, Krebs lifts him up off of himself] It's like I feel a foot taller.
[Krebs spins Otis and throws him against the barn]
Pip
You'd better watch out. That's Chubs Malone, the top boss of the gopher underground. He plays for keeps.
I thought Tony Twocheeks was the top boss.
Pip
Not since he went on a fishing trip with Chubs, and never came back.
Oh, please. He probably just devoted his life to the open sea and married a mermaid. Happens all the time.
[After Otis loses the saloon to Chubs Malone.]
Yeah, you really broke the needle on the moron meter this time!
[The animals all berate Otis at once.]
Pip
You lost the saloon!
Guys, come on, please. There's no need to turn into an angry mob. Let's just line up one at a time and pummel Otis in an orderly fashion.
Kids, don't you know that exploding a silo in the sky, while hilarious, is one of the most dangerous pranks you could possibly do?! [in tears] I'm sorry, I'm just so proud of you right now. [his phone rings and he answers it] Hell-Otis. Oh, hey, Pip. Ah, I'm looking at it right now. Isn't it the best?
Pip
Yeah, well, it's not so great from INSIDE THE SILO!!!
[Otis listens to the animals screaming for help on the phone.]
Oh, no! Oh, kids, what did you do?!
MMacy
I'm sorry, Otis! We're really sorry!
It's okay, kids. It's okay. You didn't know anyone was inside, or that the silo's inevitable crash to the ground would cause massive internal injuries to those you love.
[Mrs. Beady's campaign video.]
AAnnouncer
Ned Bovine has nice hair, and can break boards with his head. But did you know that he wants talking barnyard animals to raise your children? Nora Beady will put an end to the talking animal menace once and for all. Her secret police will lock them in circus cages and send them back to Monster Island where they belong.
I'm Nora Beady, and I'll get tough with talking animals. And I'll make you fudge!
Pip
Dude, you need to take this fight into the gutter!
Don't do it, Otis. Don't sink to her level.
Don't worry, Abby. I won't. I'm going to go even lower!
Pip
That's my cow!
[Otis/Ned Bovine's campaign video.]
Nora Beady, your crazy eyes and ridiculous hair is not what the voters need. Why is it you can't understand this? Well, maybe it's because... YOU'RE NOT OF THIS EARTH! That's right. Nora Beady is an alien spawn from the volcanic netherworld of Planet Zorn, with mind-control fudge to harvest your precious human organs. It's time you tell the truth, Nora, or should I say... Mobile Flesh Unit Zelgrab X81?!
Pip
Paid for by the committee to crush Mrs. Beady like the alien spawn she is.
Pip
They were controlling the dummy all along!
But why, termites? What'd we ever do to you?
TMTermite Mayor
Hello?! The tree you made the dummy from was our home! When you destroyed it, we vowed vengeance!
Awkward! Still, did you have to go on a psychopathic rampage? That is so inappropriate.
TMTermite Mayor
Yeeaah, you're right. We went too far, but you know.
Can't stand liver, won't eat ham, look out, stomach, here comes the shclam!
[The other animals scream, startled by Abby.]
Fellas, do you know why shclam looks and tastes like real clam?
A miracle of modern chemistry?
Pip
They zap it with a clam ray?
No! It's because shclam is clam! Look! [shows them Archie]
[The other animals gasp and yell in horror.]
Back at the Barnyard · 303 quotes
