Where the hell have you been?
MMoxey
I dossed down here last night.
You look bloody frozen! [Picks up Neville's jacket] Here, lad. [Throws the jacket over Moxey's shoulders]
So what's the word, then, eh? I mean, I think you owe us an explanation, mate. [After running away after the sight of a police car the previous day]
MMoxey
Yeah... I've been in prison, see.
We kna that, man, but that was yonks ago, wasn'it? It doesn't mean you have to shit yerself every time you see a police.
MMoxey
No, I mean I've been in recently. Like last week. An' I'm not due out 'til next March.
What, you mean, you've went over the wall?
MMoxey
Well, it wasn't a closed nick. I was in an open prison in Cheshire. Wasn't as if I had to dig a tunnel or rent an helicopter. I just walked out the front door. Bought a Toblerone at the post office and got a bus to Macclesfield.
MMoxey
I've got a mate there. He gave us a float and I made me way to Barry's.
Yeah, it's a bloody lunatic thing to do, Mox.
If it was an open prison, you must have been dealt with fairly lenient.
MMoxey
Oh I was. I'm not a Grade A villain! I just got done for the old trouble.
MMoxey
Yeah. You see, with me, they know that it's a ps-ps-psychological defect, as opposed to a cr-criminal tendency.
Ah, they also didn't want a prison burned to the ground, did they?
Yeah, but blimey, Mox, if it was an open prison, you must've had life pretty cushy, eh?
MMoxey
It's still stir, Wayne. It's still people tellin' you what to do an' when to do it! I had a year of it ahead of me.
Well, they'll have a bloody sight more when they nick you, mate.
Wayne's right. If you give yourself up, you'll be caned for your walkabout. But if you don't, and you get collared, you'll be looking at two years.
MMoxey
I'll take me chances.
Suit yourself. [Gets up to start work.]
Aye, don't worry, Moxey. We'll look after yer.
MMoxey
I'm bloody frozen.
Maybe we could light a fire, eh?
MMoxey
That's a good idea, that...
Er... no. No, not you, Moxey. I think I'll do it.
BMrs. Bellamy
Good morning.
BMrs. Bellamy
I'm Helen Bellamy. I owe you gentlemen an apology. It was I who sent the policeman here yesterday. I'm afraid I thought you were criminals. [Oz chuckles.]
I suppose we did look a bit out of place, like, roond here.
BMrs. Bellamy
Mr. Ames, er, talked about doing some work on the house.
It's not Mr. Ames we're workin' for. This is owned by a Mr. Fraser now.
BMrs. Bellamy
Oh? It's been sold? I never saw any signs. None of the local estate agents had it listed. Of course, Mr. Ames was rather a mystery man. My husband and I met him once when we were raising money for Oxfam. He made a very generous donation. And then one day, we opened the Sunday newspapers and found him described as King Porn!
BMrs. Bellamy
"Is this Britain's most evil man?" one of them asked. We'd always found him perfectly charming.
You cannae gan judging a book by what you see printed on the front cover, pet, can yer?
BMrs. Bellamy
I beg your pardon?
He's sayin' appearances can be deceptive.
Yeah, y'see these days, a lot of villains become country squires, don't they? You know, mingle with local nobs, take up fox hunting, have sherry with the vicar. Then once a month, they pops down to London and does the old bullion job.
Aye, then they get rumbled, y'see, and dodge over to Spain, divvn't they?
BMrs. Bellamy
Ah, Spain? Yes, where one gathers Mr. Ames now resides.
Would you like a cup of tea, Mrs..?
BMrs. Bellamy
No.. thank you. Jasper and I must be getting along.
MMoxey
Nice dog, that. I like retrievers.
[Laughs] I would've thought a retriever would be the last sort of dog you'd have fancied, Moxey! [Laughs again]
BMrs. Bellamy
The old house could do with a lick of paint.
Oh, it's more than that, pet. Big job, this. Conversion.
Aye. We'll be here a while.
Aye, so you'd better lock up yer daughters! [Chuckles]
[Kicking in the door from which Moxey emerged the day before] Come on, Moxey, man. We know you're in there!
If we're getting in this early, we might as well not have gone to bed.
MMoxey
[From another room] Is it safe?
No, the place is surrounded by the SPG with riot shields(!) [Moxey emerges]
Ah, you divvn't half flatter yerself, ye dae, lad. You're not exatly public enemy number one, is yer?
Plain-clothes from the Smoke don't come round looking for toerags like you, son. [Dennis enters.]
Morning, Papillon! [The others laugh. Dennis throws Moxey some food in a paper bag] Here. A bacon and egg sandwich there for you.
MMoxey
Oh, cheers, mate. Oh, by the way, it was Brad Dexter.
MMoxey
The bloke we couldn't think of in The Magnificent Seven. Bomber's character, it was Brad Dexter.
MMoxey
No-one has. That's why we couldn't remember him. Couldn't sleep last night, see. What with worrying about the law and the cold and the rats.
I couldn't sleep, worryin' about you an' your situation, an' what I'm gonna do about it, Moxey!
MMoxey
Oh. Sorry, Den. I should've levelled with you.
I think he's right... I think it was Brad Dexter. ...Ah! Now that's who he was, man! He was the gadgy what saved Frank Sinatra's life, wasn'he?
I dunno, Wayne, I'm not the Memory Man, am I? But, er... apparently what happened was Sinatra got a ducking one time and nearly drowned, like, and that Dexter gadgy dived in, pulled him out and saved him. That would've been it, wouldn'it? In clover for the rest of his natch. Ahh, just imagine it, eh? Limos, boilers, monogrammed cufflinks with yer initials on. Owt you fancy, I'd imagine.
[Brushing his teeth] Aye. D'you like it? [Dennis joins the queue for the bathroom. Moxey and Neville are in front.]
MMoxey
Hey! [Bangs the door] Hurry up, Wayne, will you? There's a bloody queue out here, y'know.
Why do these places always just have one bog?
I've just been sayin' to Mox, he'll be all right with us, won't he? He's our mate, we've gotta look after 'im.
Well that's all very well for you to say. Technically I'm the employer.
Ah, that says a lot about where your mentality is, yer kna, Den.
[Goes back to his and Oz's room] What's that supposed to mean?
Well, what do yer think it means?
I don't know. You tell me what my mentality is.
Well, in a word, you see yerself as a gaffer, don't yer? Always have done.
MMoxey
[Walking past the door] That's a whole sentence.
[Shouts down the corridor] Hey, man! I'm sayin' this for your benefit, yer kna, tosspot! [He and Dennis follow Moxey into his and Bomber's room]
MMoxey
Yeah, all right...
Shut up, both of yer! [To Moxey] Look, I've got to handle this job legit, right?
[Cutting his toenails] But Ally's a crafty old bugger himself.
Well that's all the more reason, isn'it, why he doesn't want to bring any heat down by some petty infringement of the Employment Act! Look, I have to do their 715, stamp their ticket. Moxey's got neither. [To Moxey] Look, Moxey, if you're picked up, God forbid, they're going to ask me, yer kna, quite rightly, why I hired you without proper documentation. So when you talk about accessories, it won't be you lot, will it? Oh nah, it'll be yours truly who ends up in the clarts!
See what I mean about the gaffer's mentality?
MMoxey
Yeah, but he's right though, isn't he? I can't compromise him. It wouldn't be fair.
All right, all right. But does it not strike you lot as a bit ironic? All this setup, eh?
[Spits out the toothpaste] Here we are, right. We're workin' for this bloke, whose reputation is, to say the least... dubious. I mean I kna all aboot Ally Fraser, yer kna. He's a heavy duty villain. But he's alreet, 'cos he's so bloody wrapped up by lawyers, accountants and legal loopholes, he couldn't give a monkey's chuff aboot the law, the Inland Revenue or nowt! And you're more worried aboot Moxey, who, I mean, yer kna, with all due respect, is just some lowlife punter! His only real fault is he gans through life thinkin' every day is Guy Fawkes' Night!
[Points to a page] This one sounds all right, The Pheasant at Ilworth. [Reads from the book] "This old coaching inn has been lovingly restored by Trevor Beaumont, while his partner Nigel Fox runs the kitchen. Local produce, market-fresh vegetables. Among their specialties, we particularly recommend rack of lamb and fresh local trout."
NNorma
Oh, that sounds good, Den.
Aye. Give that a go later on, eh?
Right, er... I'd better book. [Closes the guide and gets up to go to the phone when Bomber walks in] Hello, Bomber.
Well, I've been driving 'round the countryside, and I picked up a hitchhiker. [Stands aside to reveal Moxey behind him.]
Er, I don't think you've met me sister. Norma, this is Moxey and Bomber.
Erm... [Takes Moxey and Bomber aside] ...is everything all right, is it?
MMoxey
Er, yeah, yeah. Er, I had to go down to London, y'know, to sort a few things out, like. But I got me cards, so there should be no more problems in that department.
Oh, champion, 'cos the architect tells me we'll be back at work on Monday with a bit of luck, like. So you've timed that rather well, Moxey.
MMoxey
It's not Moxey any more.
MMoxey
No. It's, er, Brendan Mulachy.
NNorma
Dennis, shall I order some more tea for everybody?
Er... I tink it's about time for a drink, isn'it, lads?
I wouldn't say no to that.
Aye, why not? Come on, let's have a drink. Things seem to be shapin' up for once.
WWaitress
[Emerging from the door] Mr. Patterson, could you come to the phone, please?
WWaitress
It's the police. A couple of your lads have been arrested.
I'm just sayin', Barry, we're not outcast anymore, are wa? Not now that Nev's like hat with the local nob. [Crosses his fingers] We're bonafide pillars of the community. [Opens the door of the Barley Mow and starts to head in, followed by Moxey.]
Aye, they won't push us around now. [They notice Wayne sat on the far side of the car park with all their baggage and tools]
MMoxey
[As he and Oz head out of the door] It's Wayne, with all the gear out there.
Where have you lot been? I'm bloody freezing!
Never mind that! What's happening here?
Well, Arthur's chucked us out, hasn't he?
Wha? He cannae dae that, man!
Well he can, it's his pub and he's done it, hasn't he?
Gotta have a reason, though.
Well he's always been a bit iffy about us being here, ain't he?
We're paying customers now though.
But we do make a lot of noise and some of us occasionally go over the top.
Well, maybes... maybes once.
But you did kick in his jukebox, didn't you and he weren't too happy about that, was he?
Aww, I might have known it'd be down tae me again as usual!
[Gets up] Come on, let's load up, eh?
Hold on a tick, I'm not taking this lying down!
MMoxey
It's got nowt to do with me, I never stayed there once!
[To Wayne] Oi, oi, come here a minute! Look, if he's turfing the whole six of you lot out, you must have put up some sort of black! What have you been up to, eh?
Well... I suppose him finding me in bed with his daughter had something to do with it.
[Furious, the lads chase Wayne into the back car park]
[To Moxey] Nae room at the inn... again. Same auld story - sudden party of travelling salesmen booked in this afternoon, yer kna what I mean?
That's difficult to say really, Neville. It's strictly no overalls, no muddy boots, no alcohol and lights out by 10:30!
It is - they've only got double beds, and one of us'll have to sleep with Oz!
MMoxey
Five knockbacks. Everywhere we've tried had a sudden spate of bookings!
Yeah, it's obvious the ol' Pringle's been on the blower. Looks like we've been blacklisted by the entire Licensed Victualler's Association of North Derbyshire!
Ah, we've not done much better.
The places we've tried aren't exactly geared to the needs of the working man.
Well... spa country this, ain't it, Nev, eh? Gentility rules.
MMoxey
So, what do we do now?
Well, as Contingency Plans A and B seem to have failed, I suggest we try Contingency Plan D.
Find somewhere in Chesterfield.
Chesterfield?! That's ganna mean a fifty mile round trip! Look, man, we're ganna be wrecked before we even get to work, which means we're ganna be more wrecked before we get on the drink!
Which leaves Contingency Plan E.
Move into the house itself.
Aww, I divvn't know about that!
It gets my vote, fellas! Listen, listen, it's cheap, right, it's big, and we'll have it all to ourselves, right.
MMoxey
Yeah, right! It gets my vote an' all! I stayed in the pantry one night and survived!
Ah, it's pretty crusty though, isn'it, eh? It's in a hell of a state. Partly due to the fact that we've been knocking seven colours out of it, like. I mean, even the rats have pissed off!
Look, um... I said we'd give Dennis a ring before eight. See what he says, eh?
Aye, leave it to the leader.
[On the phone to Barry] Yeah. Okay. Alright, thanks, thanks a lot. [Puts the phone down and speaks to Bomber and Wayne.] They've drawn a blank, so it looks like a move into the manor for the moment. Sorry, Bomber.
It's not your fault, Dennis. You're only the gaffer on site. You can't be responsible for any irresponsible act of any daft bugger outside of work.
Right, come on. [Dennis and Bomber leave, leaving Wayne to carry his and Bomber's bags out.]
Mind that snake there, Moxey.
MMoxey
Where? Where?! [Drops the sandwiches onto the ground.]
Ho-ho! So much for special undercover agent Mulcackey, eh? Falls at the first fence, doesn't he?
MMoxey
[Picking up the sandwiches] It was hardly a fair test, Oz! Anyone would react to a snake warning, no matter what his name was.
Ah, it's only what the police'll do, though, Brendan. You can't expect them to write you a letter tellin' you when they're comin' to see you.
MMoxey
I know, I know. I'll just have to concentrate a lot harder. Anyone want a butty? These are ham. [Bomber grabs one.]
I'll have cheese and chutney. [Neville grabs one of the sandwiches on the chair. Wayne come up to get a sandwich from Moxey, who turns away from Wayne.]
[Grabbing the last sandwich from the tub] Not you! [Wayne turns to the chair.]
[Grabbing a sandwich from the chair] Thank you!
[Taking the last sandwich from the chair] Oh, I see. Gonna be like that, is it, eh?
Sorry, Wayne. You can't expect any consideration from us when you show none in return!
Who is this Brendan... Mulcahy anyway?
MMoxey
It's Mulachy, Barry.
No, it's not. It's Mulcahy. It's the name on the papers.
MMoxey
Yeah, I know. I can't pronounce that, though.
What's the point of havin' it as a false name, then?
MMoxey
I didn't have any choice in the matter, y'know. I didn't go to Rent-a-Name. It was an alehouse in Kilburn. I could hardly call meself F-F-Fitzherbert C-Carruthers!
Well, it's just as well. You can't pronounce that either, can you? Who is Brendan Mulcahy anyway? I mean, does he exist, or is he just a creation?
He's probably a dead man.
See, what happens is, one Mick snuffs it over there in potato land, an' his family flog his passport an' that to another Mick so he can come over here an' work, y'know.
That's not all he might get up to either.
What? D'you mean the IRA, Bomber?
IRA bomber's right. You might find the anti-terrorist squad on yer tail, Brendan, as well as yer ordinary plods!
MMoxey
You're really reassuring you are, Oz(!)
MMoxey
[Irish accent] Good evenin'.
MMoxey
Pint o'bitter, please, in a straight glass.
[As he pours the pint] Have you been here before?
MMoxey
Ah... I think I was in here one lunchtime, a few weeks ago now.
Ah, I thought I recognised you. [Puts the pint on the bar] 87p. [Moxey pays for the pint]
MMoxey
Would it be alright, like, if I took some drinks out to my kids?
Yes, I think so, provided they bring their glasses back and provided they don't break any.
MMoxey
Oh no, no, they're very well behaved.
Oh, what'll it be? Orange juice? Coca-Cola?
MMoxey
Five pints of bitter. They're growing lads.
They must be. Are you Irish by any chance?
MMoxey
Yes, I am as a matter of fact. Brendan Mulcahy's the name.
Well you can piss off, I don't serve Micks in here. [Moxey leaves and Pringle pours the pint down the sink]
[Tapping the bar] Another pint here. When you're ready.
Now, now, now, Tiger. Don't overdo the sarkiness. [Barry tries to stifle his laughter] Otherwise we'll have a little video showing for the brewery, won't we? Show 'em what their tenants get up to after hours.
[Bringing the pint over] Did I ever tell you the time when I was taken prisoner in Malaya?
No, I don't think so, no.
These little gooks with coloured hair put me in a bamboo cage. [Wayne glances briefly at his dyed dark red hair] They abused me with sticks, humiliated me. They thought they were safe, you see, 'cos I was behind bars. Then I was rescued by my pals in the SAS and as a revenge, I strung the little bastards up by the ankles and horsewhipped them! That'll be 87 pence or do you want this one on the house(?)
[Keeping score as Moxey throws] 21... 399. [Moxey collects his darts from the board, and gives them to Oz] Has he said owt to you yet?
Happy Harry, man. Pringle.
MMoxey
No, nothin' Mind you, I'm not exactly lookin' for conversation.
[As he throws] I'm just waitin' for one word out of line, me, an' I'll pin his ears to the bloody dartboard with this!
There's still a bit of an atmosphere in here, isn't there?
Aye. Reminds me of a funeral parlour, Bomber.
Ah, come on, Neville. You were moanin' when wor were banned from here. Now yer moanin' 'cos we're back. I mean, just be grateful for small mercies, eh?
I am. Just find it a bit depressin' to round off me workin' day sittin' in a place where I'm not really welcome.
Could be worse for me. I could be goin' home to the wife. [Dennis laughs]
My wife's not like that, though, Bomber. Always makes us feel welcome when I get back from work. Always got a kiss for us, a cup of tea, talk about what sort of day we've had, play with the bairn for an hour.
Me? What makes you think that?
Look, why don't yer take the weekend off? Go up and see your Brenda.
Don't think I could afford to lose the money, Den.
It's only for one day, we're not workin' on Sunday.
Could I? [Dennis nods] But... would you not be a man short for Saturday?
I think Den would rather be shorthanded than have you long-faced.
[Cheered up] Ah. Good lad. [Gets up to go to the bar] My round. [Shouts to Oz and Moxey] What do you want, lads? Same again, is it?
[Hanging out of the driver door] Howdy! Is there a Dennis Patterson around?
[Approaching] Are you the plumber?
[Pointing to the decals on his car] Well, that's what it says, yeah.
Oh yeah. [Gets out of the car and closes the door] Harry Blackburn. [Shakes hands with Dennis.] I've got all the gear in the back. Er, special discount 'cos it's the brother-in-law, like, y'know.
Oh, well every little helps, like.
Right, er... Where d'you wanna start, then?
Well... [Pointing to the lorry] Why don't you give us a hand with this stuff if you don't mind a bit of labourin'.
Not me, Dennis. Always happy to muck in. [Laughs]
Good lad. Well, I tell you what, we'll have a break in a minute an' I'll introduce you to all the lads.
MMoxey
Definitely cowboy material, all this, innit? [Bomber nods] Be better off usin' Lego.
[In another room, singing] I'll keep on workin' / Long as my two hands are fit to use...
Listen. [Joins in singing with Harry] I drink my beer in the evenin's / Sing a little bit of these workin' man's blues. [Harry enters] Merle Haggard?
Hey, you're a fan too, are you?
A fan? [Laughs] Only met the man, like, Merle. In the flesh. And in Nashville.
Well, bloody hell! Hey... [He shakes hands with Oz] Let me kiss your feet, old mate.
[Chuckles] A Honky Tonk Night Time Man.
Ho! If We Make It Through December!
HOHarry & Oz
Okie from Muskogee!
[Sings] They don't smoke marijuana...
What's the hold up down there?
Nah, that's not one of Merle's, Dennis, is it? Sounds more like Johnny Cash.
How can someone so ugly make a nice noise like that?
[Turning to the lads] Must be miming. Miming, ain't he? [Bomber shakes his head.]
MMoxey
What's he called 'imself?
"Big Willie", weren't it? True an' all, y'know. Shared a shower with him once in Düsseldorf.
[Still...] Must be miming!
Hey, that lad's wasted laying bricks!
[Singing] Oh, don't forsake me, oh, my darling / On this our wedding day... [Stops singing and tilts his hat up to see Ally's Jag approaching] I think the boys from the brown stuff have just arrived! [The Jag stops in the grounds. Big Baz and some other goons get out as the lads gather.]
Er... did I ever tell anyone I was a Quaker?
BBBig Baz
We've come to persuade you back to work.
I don't suppose we can reason with 'em, eh?
I think it's too late for that now. [Barry puts his glasses on.]
[On seeing Harry take a large monkey wrench out of his holster] That's what I call a monkey wrench.
Oh, yeah. I know how to use it, an' all! [Throws it at the goons, it hits the Jag and breaks the windscreen. The goons and the lads rush towards each other.]
Don't hit me, don't hit me! I'm a bleeder! [The goon grabs Barry. Meanwhile, Bomber grapples with Big Baz.]
MMoxey
[With a goon, arm behind his back] Anyone got a match? I'll set fire to this bastard! [The goon uses his other elbow to hit Moxey and punch him to the ground.]
[On another goon's back] Yeah! The Fightin' Side of Me, Oz. Remember that? It's one of Merle's best! [Oz smashes a chair over another goon's back and knocks him out.]
[Gets on another goon's back. To Neville] Get him! Go on, hit him! [Neville starts punching at the goon's torso. Barry faints.]
[To Big Baz] If you fights dirty, I can get angry! [Grabs Big Baz and punches him in the face. Barry wakes up and runs away. Oz jumps on top of the Jag and leaps on Barry's pursuer, sending all three to the floor. Oz punches him out while Barry gets up. He almost kicks him, but pauses.]
[To Barry] Do you want to? Go on. [Barry feebly kicks the goon.] There!
[Walking in] 'Ey, I'm knackered! 'Ey, we've been thrashin' along today, havvn't wa?
New incentive scheme, Dennis, sangria and señoritas. Works a treat.
It's a load o' bollocks, really, yer kna. We're only gannin to Skegness! [Bomber and Neville laugh]
I tell yer what it is - if Fraser doesn't come up with this Spanish trip, I'll personally brick 'im up alone in that shithouse.
Listen, Oz, if this trip don't come off, you can brick me up there in there with him. I don't think I could live with the disappointment. Marbells... you've got your pick of your Euro-crumpet in Marbella.
We're supposed to be gannin there to work and earn a bit o' money, Wayne. Remember Money?
Ah, you're wasting your breath, Nev. I think Wayne has invented a new form of currency - wages for sex.
[Sighs] It's crucifying me this, lads. I mean, hearin' all this, knowing I can't come.
MMoxey
An' there's no way you can get out of it, Harry?
Not unless they put her dates back. I mean, fancy havin' open heart surgery at a time like this, eh? I mean, it's really inconsiderate, in't it?
It is a bit of a pisser, like, 'cos we're bound to need a plumber when we get over to España, aren't we? Kna what I mean? That's just one of the things they haven't yet cracked, isn'it? Like playin' football without hackin' each other to death, or buildin' hotels where all the windows fit, or gettin' all the hairs out of the backs of their bacon rind. These are some of the things what the Spics haven't mastered.
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
