'Ello, 'ello! Only three hours? I thought you said you weren't a speed freak!
MMoxey
Ah it's not bad, Wayne. Y'know, I mean you could've built a garage in that time, never mind repair one.
Well, I hope you don't expect to be paid for this afternoon.
...Just pour us a cup o' tea, will ya?
Come on then, blow-by-blow account!
The boy looks wrecked. She certainly taken it out of him.
[Sighs] Unbelievable. It's the only word for it. Unbe- I mean if I told yer, yer wouldn't believe it, so...
Well we won't know till you tell us, will we?
Well, yer kna what I was saying in the bar the other night aboot, eh, aulder women?
Yea, experience an' all that beef... Dear me! This one... this one makes Simone Signoret look like Shirley Temple, that one!
Doesn't mean nowt to me! I've never seen either of them.
Well I'll try and put it another way.
Yer kna when footballers get to a certain age, they've gotta slow their game doon? Yer kna, but they seem to get to be better players because of experience, yer kna. Like Johnny Giles, Leeds and Éire. I feel like I've been playing with somebody like him after ninety minutes of soccer.
MMoxey
It's funny you should mention that about footballers, Oz. 'Cos the only older woman I ever had looked like Billy Bremner! [Everyone laughs]
[Sitting with his back to the stripper] Well... I'm sorry I'm not yer genial host tonight, lads. I mean, any other time I'd have been happy to... drag ya roond the flesh pots of the north east, yer kna, but... Oh, it's just this thing with me kid, I mean, it's weighin' heavy on us.
[Not taking his eyes off the stripper, as is Moxey] I'm sure it does, son.
I mean, I kna what yer think. I kna what everybody thinks for that matter. You think that I'm irresponsible. A bit of a heid-the-baw. A bit of a...
Yeah, oh all right, Moxey! All right! Yer not always rowin' with all yer oars in the water yersel', yer kna!
MMoxey
No. Fair enough. Sorry, Oz.
But I'm still 'is father, isn't I? He's still me kid. [Turns around for a second to the stripper, then turns back again.] You have to put yersel' in my place. Wayne, man! [Wayne finally turns to Oz] Put yersel' in my place, man, with this business with the kid, man. Because you're married, aren't you, eh? If your bird pissed off and left yer, how would that feel, eh, if she went back to Germany?
Who's been talking to you, then?
[Confused] Naebody, man, I'm talkin hypothetically.
Well, I mean, can yer imagine if she had a sprog, eh, and she dragged him back to Düsseldorf? You'd never see it again. Can you imagine how that would feel?
[Quietly] Yeah, well, I can, as it happens...
The food doesn't seem so good tonight, does it, Wayne?
There's no difference in the food, son. It's the mood that's down the crapper.
Well, it's got to be said... [Burps] ...this latest development with this Martin gadgy, I mean it's took the shine off the trip to Spain to everybody, hann'it?
Of all the blokes in Newcastle, you had to pick on him.
He picks on a lot of people, Nev. So the odds aren't that outlandish!
Hold on a minute, hang on, it wasn't me who started that barney, it was that Martin gadgy, man, wann' it?
Hey, hey, if you remember, the incident occured because you tried to get into his old lady's knickers.
Oh, hey, hold on! I don't think you're one to point the finger aboot that, do you, eh? We've been dropped in the clarts plenty of times by your rampant member, haven't we?
They never forget, do they?
C'mon, lads. Fair's fair. That Martin's a born headbanger. And I can't say I fancy working alongside him.
Hey, Moxey! Where've you been?
MMoxey
I called 'round your house, Den, and er, your sister said you were all in here.
[Calls down the table] Give him a chair, somebody.
MMoxey
Before I do, though, there's just a couple of things I'd like to say, y'know. Er, I've got me passport sorted out, y'know, so I can go to Spain. There's no problems there.
[Sets a chair at the head of the table for Moxey] Fantastic!
MMoxey
But I know I've caused you lot a lot of aggravation, y'know, with all this duckin' and divin' an' that, so, er, well if you don't want us to go, y'know, I'll understand, and there'll be no hard feelin's.
Get this man a drink! He's the guest of honour.
Guest of honour? He's the man of the year as far as I'm concerned! [Shouts to a waiter] Another one here!
MMoxey
Why? What have I done?
You've turned up, sunbeam, that's what you've done.
Somebody better tell that Martin fella to forget it.
The Magnificent Seven rides again! Yahey!
You came in the nick of time, my son.
MMoxey
I'm made up! You lot don't exactly owe me any favours.
It's you that's doing us a favour, man. [Stands up, glass in hand] A toast, to Moxey! [They all raise their glasses]
It's great to have you back! [Moxey smiles]
MMoxey
...It's Francis Fogarty.
Francis Fogarty? [Laughs] Where did you get Francis Fogarty from?
MMoxey
Well it wasn't my idea, y'know. If it was up to me, I'd like to be called Derek. But no Derek died in Kilburn on Tuesday.
What was it Fraser said aboot us coming doon here? He was sendin' a team doon to help the British unemployed. Ho, ho, what a lot of bollocks! [Takes a swig of a bottle of beer.] It's obvious we're here 'cos there's not a building worker available from Malaga to Gib!
I never saw so much building in all my life!
It's a brickie's paradise!
Mind, I think it's ruined the view.
Aye, but think of all the lads they're employing, man. They must all be millionaires.
MMoxey
Y'know, I had a totally false impression of this place. I thought it was all, y'know, yachts, and playboys with Porsches. I've seen more bloody cranes than sports cars!
Yeah, y'see, leisure is the new growth industry of the eighties.
We ain't got the climate, have we, Nev? Look, look. [Points to a giant water slide] When would you ever see a bloody water chute in Wolverhampton High Street?
It's nice to think you could retire to somewhere like this. I suppose the best I could hope for is a caravan near Clevedon overlooking the Bristol Channel.
At least people would talk to you there, Bomb. You'd have neighbours and friends. Where out here, you'd probably wind up next to some people like that couple who hoyed us out of their pool today.
Aye. I know we were trespassing, like, but as soon as I seen his face I hate him. He's just the sort of person that makes you ashamed to be English.
In all fairness, Oz, he probably feels exactly the same about you.
What? Well, he shouldn't, should he? 'Cos I'm isn't. He is. He is. Every time I see his sort, the hairs on me back curl up!
MMoxey
Yeah. The bourgeoisie.
Yeah. A prick, in my language. He's the sort of bloke who'd sit in the golf club all day, moaning and groaning, or write to the papers about [Posh accent] how people don't pull their weight. [Normal accent] Then what does he do when he cops his pension, eh? Whoosh! Body sweve doon to Spain so he'll not get collared wi' nae tax!
Er, when did you last pay your income tax, Oz? Was it...
What's that gotta do with anything?
I thought you lads might be a bit thirsty.
Oh, San Miguel? [Wayne and Nev take a beer from the tray.]
Vicky, just bring that over here, will you? I'll take care of that. [She puts the tray on the table] There you go, gentlemen, help yourselves to a beer. I'll be with you in just a moment. Uno momento. Vicky? [Goes into the villa. Vicky follows.]
Always wondered what our Vicky would look like unwrapped.
Look, Vicky, when we've got these cowboys around the place, it might look better if you didn't go around flaunting yourself.
[Looks down at her bikini-clad body] Who's flaunting?
D'ya think that bikini's the height of discretion? I used to use bigger plasters to cover my pimples.
Yes, well, you don't complain as a rule, do you? [Reclines on the sofa]
Well, as a rule, I don't have seven randy brickies running around the patio!
Well, there's going to be no point in going out is there? I mean, I cannae sunbathe, I cannae go for a swim 'cos there's nae water in the pool, I cannae play me records 'cos I cannae hear them for the concrete mixer...
Are the arrangements not to your liking, Vicky?
Is the villa no longer up to scratch? May I just remind you that two years ago, when you were a manicurist at Maison André, your idea of the holiday of a lifetime was a fortnight at Redcar!
Listen, I travelled before I met you, Ally Fraser. Me and me friend Barbara had two successive summers in Magaluf.
Och, well, in that case... In that case... [Picks up the phone and hands it to Vicky] Why don't you just give Barbara a bell? See if she's still got the tent!
Afternoon, Ally. Didn't expect to see you back this early. [Fraser produces a copy of The Sun.]
Is that an English paper you got there?
That's right, Oz, I've got an English paper. Something I'd like to read to you here, boys, I don't want to take up too much of your valuable time. If you just gather around, please. [The lads down tools and gather round Fraser.] Right. Are we all sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. [Reads from the paper] "Spain's Costa del Crime is still a haven for the growing band of Brits who Scotland Yard are," quote, "'anxious to question'. Kenny Ames, 47, who persists in denying he was Britain's King of Porn, continues to sun himself on his luxury yacht in Marbella."
Ah, that sounds like the one we were on, is it?
[Continues reading] "No doubt, his companions, newly arrived from England are business associates." [He puts the paper down for the others to see.]
MMoxey
[Pointing to the photo] Hey, that's us!
Hey, look at that! Centre spread!
I've seen much better photos of me than that one, though.
What's Brenda's folks ganna say?
[He picks up where Fraser left off.] "I spoke exclusively to the new arrivals in their luxury hotel."
"They were evasive about their reasons for being in Spain, one of them claiming that they were members of the Wolverhampton Aqualung Society." [Looks at Barry, then back at the paper.] "Research has shown that no such club exists. Meanwhile, police continue their search for the gang who pulled off the daring payroll robbery in Sheffield last week." [The lads voice their disdain.]
Wasn't that geezer who was buyin' all the booze in the bar the other neet called Nick?
MMoxey
Aye, it was, yeah.
Is this your idea of keeping a low profile?
Why, that story's a load of bollocks!
I know that, and I bet half of Fleet Street knows that, and in their effort to discredit this story they'll be down here buzzing 'round you like flies 'round a jam jar!
Well, why don't we just tell 'em we're ordinary gadgys?
[Presses the paper to Neville's chest] Working on my villa, I suppose? Well that's precisely exactly what I'm trying to avoid, my friend!
Wait a minute, I mean, we can still be ordinary gadgys. Just down here on holiday. We just have to make it look convincing, that's all.
And how do we do that, Dennis?
Well, er... you'd better give us the rest of the week off.
GGeoffrey
Good heavens! Look at this. [Gives the paper to Pauline, who looks at the photo.]
PPauline
I'm not surprised. [Throws the paper onto the floor.] One only had to look at them.
GGeoffrey
I sometimes wonder if Worthing wouldn't have been a better idea.
LLionel
Oh, hello, mate. Where's the rest of your mob, then?
MMoxey
Oh, er, they're on the beach. Could I have a lager, please?
LLionel
Ah, that's a shame. Look, I've given it place of honour on the wall. [Shows Moxey the photo and headline from the previous episode pinned to the wall behind the bar.]
MMoxey
Oh, 'ey, we asked you not to do that. It's bloody embarrassin', y'know.
LLeather
[From behind his copy of The Sun] You'll get used to it, son.
MMoxey
Oh, hello, Mr. Leather.
LLeather
[Puts the paper down] Oh. Terry, please. And you're, er..?
MMoxey
Oh, er, Moxey. We didn't go courtin' that publicity, y'know.
LLeather
I'm sure you didn't. None of us goes chasing newsprint, do we? But, you see, if you adjourn over here suddenly, leaving a few question marks behind, it's bound to happen, ain't it?
MMoxey
Aye. S'pose so, yeah.
LLeather
And also, Moxey, what you've got to remember is that these people... [Points to his paper] ...these so-called gentlemen of the press are, in fact, the scum of the earth. You wouldn't say hello to 'em on a lonely day.
MMoxey
Very true, Terry. [Leather picks up his glass] 'Ere, what's that you're drinkin'? Er, Scotch, is it?
LLeather
Yeah, cheers. [Finishes his Scotch] Malt.
MMoxey
[To Lionel] Er, a malt for, er, Terry and, er, I'll have a lager, please.
LLionel
[To the barmaid] Jenny? Serve the gentleman, love.
LLeather
You see, these people do not have one iota of respect for privacy of the individual. [Scoffs] Let me tell you, lad, Princess Di, Joan Collins and Hurricane Higgins? They've got my upmost sympathy for the intrustions that they incur.
MMoxey
People always wanna have a got a you when you're famous, don't they?
LLionel
Yeah, some of those no-marks made a bob or two out of your exploits, eh, Tel?
LLeather
Don't remind me! There was this geezer lived down our street in Ilford, see. Now, I have met that bloke twice, right? Once when I picked my little girl up from his kid's bonfire night party, and once when he borrowed my hovering lawnmower. Well, next thing I know, he's... he's managed to stretch these brief encounters into three instalments of "The Villain on My Doorstep"! [Chuckles]
MMoxey
Aye, we certainly learnt our lesson. We're keepin' our heads down from now on.
LLionel
Ah, so you'll be staying down here for a bit, will you?
MMoxey
Well, I think the others will be movin' on, like, y'know, but, er, I'm gonna stick around for a while, yeah.
LLeather
You'll be needing a drum, then.
MMoxey
You what? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
LLeather
Well, what you got in mind? A villa? Condo?
MMoxey
Somethin' like that, yeah.
LLeather
Listen, Moxey, anything you want, feel free. Investment advice, real estate, a new motor. I mean, we know a few people. D'you understand me?
MMoxey
Thanks, Terry. Thanks very much. Actually, there is somethin' you could, er, help us out with, like.
MMoxey
Er, it might sound a bit soft, but er... don't know of any plasterin' jobs goin' round 'ere, d'you?
LLeather
Now, hang on, you can't be short of a few bob, surely?
MMoxey
No? No! It's just a way of, er... passin' the time, like.
LLeather
Ah, I don't understand you Northern lads. Must be all that Hovis you eat!
[Head in hands] Dear me, I thought I'd ne'er thought I'd see the day I'd be glad I couldn't get a fry-up! [Coughs loudly. Moxey, also hungover, joins them. Oz laughs] Don Juan! [Barry stirs his coffee noisily.] D'yer have to do that? D'yer have to do that... so loud?
Ah, sorry. [Takes the spoon out and taps the top of his mug a few times. Oz winces.]
Oh, what was that bloody stuff we were drinking last night?
Never mind what we were drinking, it was what them bastard groupies was guzzlin' in that done all the damage! [Reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money.] I've got about three pound left.
MMoxey
Maybe we should rob a payroll wagon after all. [Carlos brings Moxey a coffee.]
That remark is in very poor taste, if you don't mind me saying so, Moxey. If it wasn't for people like you glamourising criminal activity, we wouldn't be pestered by the press, would we? Or exploited by those vacuous females last night.
That didn't stop ye stickin' yer heid in the door, did it? See if there was any exploitin' to be done, eh?
Well, if we can't go out, and we can't stay in, there's not much point in being here, is there?
Nah. We're not tourists. We're not workers. We're trapped. We're in limbo!
They divvn't limbo here, man. They flamenco. [Chuckles, then coughs.]
Barry's got a point though, eh? Leisure without graft has got a pretty hollow ring.
MMoxey
Well, none of this is actually helping to decide what we're gonna do today though, is it? [Gets out of his chair to go to the breakfast buffet] Don't think I can face another day of sunlight, sangria... [Clutches his stomach] ...or food, either. [Carefully sits back down.]
I've just had an absolutely brilliant idea. Why don't we hire a couple of cars and hit the road? Eh? Toddle off down to Gibraltar, it's not far you know, border's open now. What do you think?
There'd be cheap British beer, duty frees, and today's papers too.
MMoxey
Papers are still a sore point, you know, Bomb.
Aye, g'wan, I'm up for it. I've alwayd wanted me photo taken with them... with them baboons.
Right... [Gets some money from his pocket.] Here is my contribution. I suggest you three pool your resources as well. I'll go and wake Wayne up. [Gets up.] If he's interested, I'll get a hire car brochure in Reception. [Leaves the bar.]
I wonder if they do a five-seater Porsche?
MMoxey
Go 'round to The Office? You sure that's a good idea now they know who we really are?
Oh, I dunno. Ally said they'd still make us welcome. Apparently, they understood we're victims of a press smear. In fact, they symphathise with us.
Aye, might be some money in it for us, an' all. A few little jobs.
[Scoffs] Probably want us to double-glaze their houses with bulletproof glass.
Don't suppose there'd be any harm in it. Nothing to lose now. Our stigmas have been cleansed.
MMoxey
I'm not sure, y'know.
Howay, Mox, man! We didn't give your name to the paper! As far as Terry Leather or anybody else is concerned, you're still a man of mystery.
Right, lads. Listen, we'll just play it cool, right? See what they want, and if we don't like the smell of it, we'll politely decline. Okay? [Around the corner from The Office, they spot someone on the roof with a long-lens camera taking photos of them.]
Oh, another bloody journalist! [The lads rush through a door and confront the photographer. Oz snatches the camera]]
Just... calm down! [Oz doesn't listen, he throws the camera off the roof.]
[To the 'photographer'] When are you bastards gonna stop pickin' on wor, eh?
MMoxey
Yeah! Why don't yer leave us alone, you shifty sod? We ain't done nuthin'!
Which particular comic do you work for, anyway? [The 'photographer' takes out his Metropolitan Police ID badge]
BBritish Detective
Shall we say the Police Review?
[Takes the ID badge and examines it.] What, you're the Old Bill, are ya?
BBritish Detective
Scotland Yard Surveillance Squad. And if this wasn't Spain, Albert Arthur Moxey, alias Brendan Mulcahy, arsonist and absconder, your arse would be well and truly nicked!
Oh, I'm not so sure, Bomb. I mean, at Ally's party, you know, in Geordieland, I definitely got a flash off that one.
You mess around with her and bollocks it up for the rest of us, you'll have more than a flash off me, Wayne!
Eh? Don't sermonise me, Bomb! You're not past a bit of lechery yourself. I saw you the other night, down the casino. Two young travel agents from Preston, eh? [Chuckles]
Nothin' I did with them is gonna come back on us lot. [Quiet for sternly] Off limits!
[Now on the terrace] Mornin', lads.
MMoxey
[Hard at work on the tiling in the pool with Neville] Hello.
[Stops what he's doing] Right, I'll not be long.
[Inspecting the lads' work] Eee, mind, this place is comin' on. You'll be finished here soon.
[Chucking rocks from the deep end to the terrace] Aye, we divvn't hang aboot, us lot, yer kna.
Er... what are you ganna do when the job's finished, Oz?
Me? I don't kna. S'pose I'll have to gan back and... face the grim reality of Margaret Thatcher's Britain. [Has a swig of his beer.] Unless your Ally coughs up a finishin' bonus, like. Then I can postpone it... for a week.
An', er... take off somewhere, like?
Ah, well, me an' Barry had planned tae have a slow tovy back through France. But now with his, yer kna, fiancée, we've had to give La Français the big E, so to speak. So, I'll be on me own, as usual.
I'm... very sorry if my personal affairs have intruded on your plans, Oz(!)
Not my plans, pal. You were the one that wanted to gan an' see the shite hooses of the Loire.
'Ey, I've always fancied San Tropez, meself. I think there's more nightlife. An', I mean, well, it's more sophisticated than this, like, isn'it?
MMoxey
Oh, aye, yeah. Definitely. Give me San Tropez every time!
[Fanning himself with his hat] I envy Den, me. At this moment, he'll be sittin' in an English pub, murderin' an English pint.
MMoxey
You're a strange bloke, you are, Nev. Ever since I've known you, you've always wanted to be someplace else. There's people down here paid a fortune to enjoy this hot Spanish sunshine.
Yeah, well he'd rather be drinking warm ale in some manky pub in Gateshead.
MMoxey
Yeah, but if he was there, then he'd wish he was here.
[Still smarting from being carried off by Bomber while in mid-conversation with Vicky the previous night] I reckon that Bomber's on Ally's payroll. Acting like my naffing chaperone. I was on with that Vicky last night, I'm sure I was.
Look, obviously the lass has problems, reet? Obviously, she's vulnerable that this point in time. Even to your transparent overtures. But it's not gonna do us much good, is it? An' it's not gonna do the lass much good if ye leap on her bones!
Oh, I see. So you've joined the moral majority, have you?
What is it with you, eh? I mean, yer nuts aren't gonna gan rusty down here, are they? I mean you've got Spanish boilers, French tarts, German tarts, Swedish tarts, Danish tarts, British tarts... I mean, from Málaga to Gibraltar, it's wall-to-wall totty. So why Vicky, eh? Is it the danger? Does the thought of gettin' yer knees shattered give yer a great big bonk on or summat?
[Gets out of his deckchair and puts his hat on] Right, lads. Shouldn't we be gettin' back to work?
MMoxey
What's all this? Are you deputy gaffer, or what?
No, it's just if we start a bit early, we can finish a bit early. Get a few jars in.
MMoxey
Aye, right. [Gets off the cooler he's been sat on. Bomber also gets up.]
Oh, by the way, the drinks are on Haze tonight. She's asked me, like, to ask you, to join us for cocktails at the Hollywood Bar in the port.
MMoxey
'Ey! Well done, Barry, you cracked it! What a strike, kid!
What are you talkin' about?
MMoxey
Barry an' Hazel invite us for cocktails. If any of you know cause, or just im-p-p-pediment ye are to declare it.
Don't be coy, son. An announcement is obviously imminent.
Yeah. Good lad, Barry. Have you got a date yet?
Look, I'm not getting engaged! Right? It's just that Hazel won some money at the casino last night and she wants us to celebrate.
Oh, er... £500, thereabouts.
Blow me. She's an heiress! I'd shut the gate on that one if I were you!
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
