Oz quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

Some exercise wouldn’t do you any harm.

Barry

You wouldn’t get me on a bike, that’s the last form of exercise I’d take. Cycling damages your sexual organs.

Oz

Bollocks!

Barry

Precisely, no I read this research report. Right, they use ultrasound scans to examine the testicles of 45 mountain bikers and they compared them with 39 sets of testicles of non-riders, and all but two of the cyclists had scrrrrotal abnormalities.

He knows a lot of stuff, Barry.

Oz

Aye, all of it useless. [Moxey and Oz simultaneously feel their testicles]

Oz

We’re gonna set a honey-trap lads, get Granger in a sexually compromising position.

Bomber

How are we going to do that?

Oz

Well, Nev’s got a fantastic in at the brothel hasn’t he, he’s almost got a season ticket doon there... so we’ll get his lass, Kelly-Anne, to set it up, right, get Granger in a bubble bath with two or three tarts doing unspeakables to ‘em...

Neville

Every chance you get, you drag her into the conversation, don’t yer, just so you can slag her off, why don’t you keep your face out of my life! [storms out]

Oz

Well I still think it’s a canny idea!

Well there’s no question mark over your experience, but the nature of who we are and what we do means that we go into extensive background vetting.

Dennis

And what does that entail?

Well we have to be sure that our people are never in a position where they can be compromised or blackmailed, so we’re extremely thorough on security clearances.

Oz

Well, er, you’re gonna find this out sooner or later so you might as well know it up front like.

And what’s that Mr. Osbourne?

Oz

I’ve got a son what’s a poof.

Mr. Osbourne

Oz

Yes.

I wonder if you could follow me. Bring your personal effects.

Oz

Upgrade is it?

If you’d just come with these gentlemen.

Oz

What’s up like? I’ve not been smokin’ in yer bog. I didn’t check a bag on so you couldn’t of found a bomb in it.

We don’t want to alarm the other passengers, do we Sir?

Oz

Well I’m not a bloody terrorist. My name’s Osbourne not Osama.

Don’t make us use force, Sir.

Oz

Force? I’ll show you a bit of force, son.

You made the list, Mr. Osbourne.

Oz

What bloody list? The 10 most wanted?

The O.E.D.

Oz

With my mates?

You’re going to Cuba.

Oz

Aww. Well why didn’t you say so. Sorry pal. Well, bugger Bangkok. Ha’way Havana!

Oz

All I know Den, is that when you had a choice of either knocking this job back or cutting me adrift, you were “thinking it over”?

Dennis

Is this going in your grudge bank, Oz? Because I’m your oldest friend.

Oz

That’s why I didn’t expect it Den.

Dennis

D'you remember when we first met?

Oz

Nah.

Dennis

It was on that housing estate in Cramlington.

Oz

It was Bedlington, actually.

Dennis

Oh, so you do remember?

Oz

Well, vaguely.

Dennis

You turned up on spec, right? Looking for a job and the foreman was away. So I hired you. When he came back, he was gonna give you the sack.

Oz

Was he?

Dennis

Yeah.

Oz

Why?

Dennis

Your mouth mostly. Also, you tried to chin him; that might have had something to do with it! And I stood up for you, right, I said this Oz might be a bit of a lunatic. But he lays more bricks in three days than most of us do in five

Oz

Well, that's true.

Dennis

That's not what I'm talking about, man! Then the German gig came up, right, I spent three days traipsing every pub in Wallsend looking for your arse.

Oz

So, what are you trying to tell us, like? That I owe this glittering career to you?

Dennis

No. I'm saying that I've always wanted you on my team!

Well who do you miss?

Oz

Well me son for one. I missed a lot of him growing up. Fortunately that included the moment he started putting his key in the back door, so to speak.

Oz

You had no right to lumber us with this!

Dennis

I’m not trying to score brownie points with the Embassy, it’s all part and parcel of the job, right?! Some days we saw planks. Some days we lay bricks. And some days we pick up bloody bath tubs!

Right! Let’s play Road Kill Cricket!

Bomber

How’s that work?

Anything dead your side of the road you score runs, anything their side they do!

Neville

How do you mean runs?

One for each leg: a dead chicken’s worth two, that goat would have been four if we’d started.

Wyman

So a centipede’s a ton, right?

No insects! You’re being silly now Wyman.

Wyman

Oh, forgive me.

Oz

What about a snake?

That’s a tricky one Oz, it doesn’t have any legs but it is an animal so it should qualify…

Oz

Well the stiff’s on this side of the road so that’s two runs to us, yes?

True!

Wyman

It weighs a ton!

Bomber

We’ll have to help them offload it at the other end.

Oz

What now we’re bloody pallbearers!

Some days we saw planks. Some days we lay bricks. Some days we cart Cuban coffins. All part and parcel, Den says.

Dennis

Moxey!

What?

Dennis

Bollocks!

Barry

You’ve got it bad, haven’t you?

Oz

Aye, aye, I’ve never known nowt like this before. When I see her, I get all tongue-tied. Me! Shivers doon me neck and sweaty palms.

Barry

Well these symptoms you describe could be one of two things: it’s either that Mongolian flu that was going around last year...orrrr...you’re in love.

Oz

Well, let’s hope it’s the flu, eh? you can get a jab for that.

Barry

I love the traffic lights here. I love the way they sparkle and glitter like a kaleidoscope of colours.

Oz

There’s no traffic lights in this street, Barry.

Barry

Yes there are! Green, gold, turquoise, blue, I love the butterflies too!

Bomber

There’s no ruddy butterflies!

Barry

There’s millions of them! There wings sparkling with innerdescence.

Oz

Wait a minute, did you eat anything back there? Awwww, his trippin’, his trippin’!

Barry

Aw look, there’s one settled on my nose!

Oz

Give us the wheel! Give us the wheel!!

Bomber

Well saying you do get her back to the North-East, well how do you think that will work then?

Oz

What do you mean?

Bomber

Well it’s a bit of a culture shock isn’t it?

Oz

Oh, I’ll adjust quick enough man!

Dennis

Seriously man, look at all these South American football players, they’ve signed for the Premier League and one minute it’s sunshine and samba, next minute...it’s Middlesbrough!

Yes I can! These stupid people telling me who I can’t be with!

Oz

You’ve got some bollocks pet, I’ll give you that. When you’re up on that stage you know, dancing, you look so...fragile. But really, you’re made out of tungsten.

Que?!