Oz quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

Dennis

Why did you not bring it up with him?

Oz

How do you tell a man his wife is having it away with her brother?

Wyman

Does my skin bother you?!

Oz

Divvn’t be daft man, my team play in black and white, divvn’t they?! I’ve just got a thing about Cockneys.

Wyman

I can usually suss I bloke’s musical tastes, me.

Oz

Haddaway and bollocks, you’ve only known me for five bloody minutes lad. There’s no way you can tell what I like to listen to.

Neville

No, alright have a go!

Wyman

Ok, I will, alright alright…Early Stones, The Clash, Clapton, and a sprinkling of C and W.

[Jeers]

Dennis

Ha ha, not far off the mark there!

Oz

He’s been in my gaffe, he’s been right through my CDs!

Wyman

No I haven’t mate, no I haven’t. Alright then - Dennis.

Dennis

Aye, go on then.

Wyman

Otis Redding, Aretha

Oz

Aretha?

Wyman

Aretha, Marvin Gaye…and you’ve got a soft spot for Rod Stewart, but only when you’re at the karaoke pissed!

Dennis

Aye, I can’t argue with that young‘an!

Bomber

What about me?

Wyman

Easy, you’re easy. Abba and Acker Bilk.

Dennis

What about Neville?

Wyman

Morose music I reckon.

Neville

Get away!

Wyman

Yeah, morose music…The Smiths, The Cult, Depeche Mode…music to slit your wrist by!

Neville

That’s not me at all!

Oz

No, nooo…these days Neville likes to watch Destiny’s Child videos!

Oz

That's all it is though - an act? It doesn't mean to say that you're...

Gay?

Oz

Yeah, it doesn’t mean to say that you’re gay.

I am gay.

Oz

Hells Bollocks. Well is it permanent?

Oz

He's not gay. He thinks he is, but he's not.

Neville

Well, it’s just like exhibitionism, isn’t it? Like a cry for attention.

Oz

Exactly.

Bomber

Would it matter if he was?

Oz

Well it would to me!

Wyman

Well even if he is…

Oz

He’s not! He can’t be! There's never been a huckle in the Osbourne family and we can trace our lineage all the way back to the Second World War. Now, end of subject. Right?

Right, aye.

Neville

Of course.

Oz

It's always been the tunnel, not the funnel.

Oz

Well I suppose we could have a bite, I’ve got my tie on so I can get past Saddam Hussein on the door there.

Sarah

We could...not fussed...[leans over the table]...we could just have a couple of drinks...and go to bed.

Oz

(jaw drops) Could we have another bowl of twiglets first?

Oz

Canny left hook, son!

Aye. Not bad for a poofter, eh?

Bomber

I did hear right, did I? I thought I heard the word ‘million’!

Yeah!

Dennis

You did aye. Mind you, we’ll have to take into account transportation and erection costs.

Neville

I’m getting an erection just thinking about it!

Oz

Better get it home to Brenda A.S.A.P.!

Oz

Hold on, excuse me, but the facts are these. I conjured up that Red Indian oot of cyberspace and I’ve got Grangier primed and ready to jump, yes?

Barry

I think we should all calm down, alright. I’ve always found in business there’s a very fine line between altruism and self-interest. So why don’t we all sleep on it, eh?

Oz

(storming out) You sleep on it, you end up bastard and skint.

Oz

Hey Barry, you know what? If this was Big Brother, you’d be the first one oot that door!

Barry

I should be so lucky..

I got the testimony back from the UK. It’s all good. Local cops confirm this guy Kadi’s a piece of work and spoke very highly of you…Inspector Colin Bishop…

Barry

Colin, yeah?

Yeah, “No way you’re a bad guy, you’re just a radish who got rich.” I’m not familiar with the expression?

Barry

I’ve heard it before.

Barry, you know I’m going to bat for you. We’ll speak Friday.

Barry

Bye.

Neville

What is it?

Bomber

Yeah, what?

Barry

I don’t believe it. Colin Bishop. I’ve known him for years. We’ve played golf together. He’s had dinner in my house on more than one occasion…and he calls me a radish!

Neville

Barry man!

Oz

We’re not bothered about that man!

Dennis

Barry man, what about the charges?!

Barry

What?

Dennis

What about the charges man?!

Barry

Oh you’ll probably be free and clear. I’m the one who’s going to fall on his sword…[angrily to Oz] ever since your funeral, my life’s been unravelling like a ball of knitting wool!

Wyman

Yeah, I’ve got to admit, it’s growing on me.

Oz

That’s because it’s timeless kid. They’ll not be playing Atomic Kitten in 20 years time.

Neville

You an’ all?

Dennis

Well why not man? We’ve worked our nuts off for three months. Anyway, it’s a tourist attraction in the state.

Oz

Aye, that’s right. People come here for a flutter and a show and a shag. I mean if you went to Venice you’d ride a gondola wouldn’t yer?!

Oz

That’s Neville’s phone…

Dennis

So?

Oz

He didn’t forget it.

Dennis

Oh God…

He’s in love with a tart!

Oz

[holding four fingers up] How many fingers?

Wyman

Three.

Oz

Three, Mmmher, near enough.