Dennis quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

My grandson saw it. He’s always on a computer.

Unbelievable! I mean, where do you plug in a computer in a wigwam?

Dennis

Moxey.

Yeah?

Dennis

Shut up!

Bomber

I did hear right, did I? I thought I heard the word ‘million’!

Yeah!

Dennis

You did aye. Mind you, we’ll have to take into account transportation and erection costs.

Neville

I’m getting an erection just thinking about it!

Oz

Better get it home to Brenda A.S.A.P.!

Dennis

You know that dismantling sequence you showed us? What do you call it, you know, when it’s the other way round? You know, when you put the bridge back up again?

An erection sequence…[Moxey sniggers]…no jokes please, I’ve heard them all.

Dennis

Well could you do us one? We’ll pay you like.

What are yous up to?

Dennis

Nowt, nowt, nowt important.

Nothing.

How would you be paying?

Cash.

Where did you get this?

I sold my cello.

Yous all think I’m a murderer?

Dennis

Oz doesn’t mean that. He’s just playing Devil’s Advocate.

I’ve never hurt anyone in my life. I’ve just set fire to buildings. And I’ve always made sure they were empty…except that once. And I didn’t know the bloke had chickens!

I got the testimony back from the UK. It’s all good. Local cops confirm this guy Kadi’s a piece of work and spoke very highly of you…Inspector Colin Bishop…

Barry

Colin, yeah?

Yeah, “No way you’re a bad guy, you’re just a radish who got rich.” I’m not familiar with the expression?

Barry

I’ve heard it before.

Barry, you know I’m going to bat for you. We’ll speak Friday.

Barry

Bye.

Neville

What is it?

Bomber

Yeah, what?

Barry

I don’t believe it. Colin Bishop. I’ve known him for years. We’ve played golf together. He’s had dinner in my house on more than one occasion…and he calls me a radish!

Neville

Barry man!

Oz

We’re not bothered about that man!

Dennis

Barry man, what about the charges?!

Barry

What?

Dennis

What about the charges man?!

Barry

Oh you’ll probably be free and clear. I’m the one who’s going to fall on his sword…[angrily to Oz] ever since your funeral, my life’s been unravelling like a ball of knitting wool!

Neville

You an’ all?

Dennis

Well why not man? We’ve worked our nuts off for three months. Anyway, it’s a tourist attraction in the state.

Oz

Aye, that’s right. People come here for a flutter and a show and a shag. I mean if you went to Venice you’d ride a gondola wouldn’t yer?!

Oz

That’s Neville’s phone…

Dennis

So?

Oz

He didn’t forget it.

Dennis

Oh God…

He’s in love with a tart!

Well there’s no question mark over your experience, but the nature of who we are and what we do means that we go into extensive background vetting.

Dennis

And what does that entail?

Well we have to be sure that our people are never in a position where they can be compromised or blackmailed, so we’re extremely thorough on security clearances.

Oz

Well, er, you’re gonna find this out sooner or later so you might as well know it up front like.

And what’s that Mr. Osbourne?

Oz

I’ve got a son what’s a poof.

Oz

All I know Den, is that when you had a choice of either knocking this job back or cutting me adrift, you were “thinking it over”?

Dennis

Is this going in your grudge bank, Oz? Because I’m your oldest friend.

Oz

That’s why I didn’t expect it Den.

Dennis

D'you remember when we first met?

Oz

Nah.

Dennis

It was on that housing estate in Cramlington.

Oz

It was Bedlington, actually.

Dennis

Oh, so you do remember?

Oz

Well, vaguely.

Dennis

You turned up on spec, right? Looking for a job and the foreman was away. So I hired you. When he came back, he was gonna give you the sack.

Oz

Was he?

Dennis

Yeah.

Oz

Why?

Dennis

Your mouth mostly. Also, you tried to chin him; that might have had something to do with it! And I stood up for you, right, I said this Oz might be a bit of a lunatic. But he lays more bricks in three days than most of us do in five

Oz

Well, that's true.

Dennis

That's not what I'm talking about, man! Then the German gig came up, right, I spent three days traipsing every pub in Wallsend looking for your arse.

Oz

So, what are you trying to tell us, like? That I owe this glittering career to you?

Dennis

No. I'm saying that I've always wanted you on my team!

Oz

You had no right to lumber us with this!

Dennis

I’m not trying to score brownie points with the Embassy, it’s all part and parcel of the job, right?! Some days we saw planks. Some days we lay bricks. And some days we pick up bloody bath tubs!

Wyman

It weighs a ton!

Bomber

We’ll have to help them offload it at the other end.

Oz

What now we’re bloody pallbearers!

Some days we saw planks. Some days we lay bricks. Some days we cart Cuban coffins. All part and parcel, Den says.

Dennis

Moxey!

What?

Dennis

Bollocks!

Neville

Look I’ve gotta go. You’ll be okay will you?

Dennis

Me, aye, I’m just gonna have a night in front of the telly. If we had a telly.

Dennis

Where’s everybody else?

Wyman

I dunno, they went off somewhere.

Dennis

There seems to be a concerted effort around here to avoid me, eh, I’m not middle-management you know!

Wyman

Not from me, Den! I’d go out with you in a flash, only Tina’s got nicer knockers.

Barry

I went to a séance in Edgbaston once. I tried to contact my Granny.

Dennis

Why?

Barry

Well we wanted to find out where she’d left the key to this old trunk in the attic. Cor blimey, I couldn’t get out there quick enough mate, teacups and saucers flying all over the place. I drove into a concrete litter bin on the home.