George Michael Bluth quotes from Arrested Development

Gob

Why don't you get Gob to do your dirty work for you? Shall I knock Dad out and chain him to a pipe somewhere, or should I risk another herpes outbreak with Kitty? Which is it this time, Michael?

Michael

Well, definitely neither of those two things.

Lindsay

We did it, Mikey! We're super-rich again. And I'm going to buy a car. The Volvo. [hands Michael a piece of paper]

Michael

No, Lindsay, you're not going to start spending money. [looks at paper] And this is not a Vol-vo.

Lindsay

Oh, that's from sitting on the copier. Michael, I've got nothing. My husband dumped me and ran off to Vegas with Kitty, that bleached-blonde whore.

Michael

He's definitely got a type.

Lindsay

I can't believe he left me. I mean, this? [points to her face] And these? [points to her breasts] And this? [holds up paper]

Michael

That's the car.

Lindsay

Oh. [holds up other paper] This?

Michael

Glad I didn't spring for color.

Gob

Well, I will tell you this, Michael: I don’t have a son...

Narrator

He does.

Gob

...But if I ever do, I'm either going to take him to the cabin in the woods, or I'm going to promise to take him and then not take him. But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I'm taking him to a cabin in the woods, and then not take him!

Narrator

Gob was growing up.

Gob

There's only one sleeping bag, so we're going to have to double up. Pigs in a blanket!

Michael

Sorry, pal, something came up.

Gob

It is worse to know.

Narrator

Gob was getting life lessons all over the place.

Michael

We've got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein.

I thought, I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi. I told him how much I liked his work.

Michael

Great. I was wondering if you might be willing to go somewhere with me. I would pay you.

Rita

You'll pay me?

Michael

Not... not for sex. You're going to think that I'm Jack the Ripper, right? Didn't he kill prostitutes or...?

Rita

I'm not a prostitute.

Michael

Then I shall let you live.

Gob

Steve Holt's not my son.

George Michael

Steve Holt? The moron jock?

Gob

That's my son, you pothead!

Narrator

Michael did try again with Rita, but this time determined to keep no secrets.

Michael

I want to tell you everything if... if you're willing to listen.

Rita

I'm a very good listener.

Michael

Great. Start with the misdemeanors and then, we're gonna' push right on through to the lighter treasons. So, 1983...

Gob

Hey, can you do me a favor? A young neighborhood tough by the name of Steve Holt will be dropping by, and...

Michael

Your son?

Gob

According to him.

Michael

And a DNA test.

Gob

I heard the jury's still out on science.

Michael

Besides, I already got George Michael the big present for his birthday...

George Michael

A suit! Dad, is it Jack Welch?

Michael

I want you to look under the pants.

George Michael

Quicken! Premiere! Dad, I hope you kept the receipt.

Michael

You want to return that?

George Michael

What? No, I want to deduct it.

If you take money from these people under false pretenses, you’ll be committing fraud. The government’s already watching your father pretty closely. They’re going through his mail. They want to put your father in prison for good.

George

Yeah, Bob’s right. We’ve got to start thinking practically. Life is not some cheesy Japanese movie where the hero pulls on a pair of jet pants and...

...flies off the balcony like Astro Boy.

Narrator

And that’s when George Sr. did a Web search for the words “jet pants.”

George

Even better.

Michael

She's sweet. She's smart. She's beautiful. She's special.

Narrator

She was special.

Rita

Are houses terribly hard to make?

Michael

Actually, the hardest part is finding the land.

Narrator

But she wasn't smart...

Rita

Instead of making houses, maybe you should make land.

Narrator

...for Rita had only mentally progressed...

Rita

On the ocean.

Narrator

...to the level of a first grader.

Rita

There's no land on the ocean.

Narrator

Michael might have noticed her disability if it had not been masked by her English accent.

Michael

[pause] You are brilliant.

Narrator

Yeah. She wasn't.

Rita

Rita corny, Michael.

Narrator

So Michael used a line that was just as corny.

Michael

You know, I think that we should wait until after we're married.

Rita

You found out.

Michael

Took me long enough.

Rita

Maybe you're not smart, either! I didn't know until they told me.

Michael

Can't a guy call his mother pretty without it seeming strange?

Buster

Amen. And how about that little piece of tail on her? Cute!

Michael

I've opened a door here that I regret.

Oh, he's just talking about his stupid turtle.

Buster

She has a name, Mother, and it's Mother.

Michael

That's the point, Dad. Mr. Loblaw no longer works for us because someone wanted a boyfriend.

Tobias

Well, don't blame me!

Michael

I was talking to Lindsay, actually, but he was clearly turned off to the both of you.