[To Cheryl] I swear, if you throw that computer on the floor one more time, you'll wake up in a mental ward with total amnesia under somone else's name!
S3 E4The Man from Jupiter
[Burt and Archer are going down an elevator that is taking a long time to get down]
...You're kidding me.
I know, it's like, the world's slowest elevator.
...Why don't you get a bat-pole?
$9000.
What?
Lowest quote I got.
Well, that's ridiculous.
I know. It's just basically putting a pole where the garbage chute is, but all the co-op people were like, "But what are we going to do with all the garbage?"
Well, you just dump the garbage down the same chute. Then you will have a soft pile of garbage to land on.
Yeah, if you're coming in hot, I know, it's a win-win.
Plus, you were going to pay for it yourself. No assessment or anything.
Exactly.
...Ridiculous.
Preaching to the choir, pal.
That's not your car?
Yeah. What?
Nothing... I just didn't know they sold those to men.
[Burt Reynolds does a stunt during a car chase that causes a police car to land ontop of another]
HOLY SHIT! Burt Reynolds!
Hey, pay attention and you might learn something.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant, throbbing erection!
[Burt slams on the brakes, causing Archer to fall forward and hit his nose the dashboard. He comes back up holding his nose]
How about now?
It's gone. I'm all ears.
That Burt Reynolds is so freaking awesome!
Yeah, he... kinda is.
After this, I am going to go home, watch Hooper and masturbate until my fingers bleed.
[Cheryl and Archer stare at her]
Just tape them up!
S3 E5El Contador
You're taking me out of the field?
Well unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart...
If you were in my tax bracket, you wouldn't be shouting such socialist propaganda.
Or wearing such shitty clothes.
[On Cyril being a field agent] The last time I tried to train him resulted in a dead hooker in my trunk!
There was no dead hooker.
There could have been!
Well look on the bright side.
Which is?
Which is what?
You just said look on the brightside.
Its a figure of speech.
You're looking for Predator aren't you?
...yes!
A, he's invisible.
Not totally, he has a tell-tale shimmer.
If this doesn't work, we just paid a hundred buck for liquid fart.
Yeah, well, here's shit in your eye.
[The three toast their mugs and drink the "herbal tea"]
Oh God, it tastes worse than it smells!
Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that... [Brightly] I'd have eight nickels!
[vomiting in a toilet] Oh, my God. I'm gonna die in a toilet stall, just like the gypsy said.
Damn that Krieger! Nazi clone Bastard!
Tomorrow I will be hunting the most dangerous game in the world.
Jai alai?
Well, go ahead and say it.
What?
That since we are going to die tomorrow, we should have sex.
Are you kidding? After seeing a tiger get murdered? Lana, I'm not in the mood!...I mean, if you want to, I can watch while you masturbate, but just so you know, my heart's not going to be into it. It's going to be with that tiger's family...But, you know...go ahead and start.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.