[In the waiting room] Oh my god! how much Cancer was in him? This is so boring amd forever-taking.
S2 E8Stage Two
S2 E9Placebo Effect
Wow, what a pussy. I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.
Well, you threatened to shove a knife up his dick hole. Which, again, ick.
Well excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.
Don't you worry, Ruth... I'm gonna make them pay for it.
MMalorie
What are you--? Sterling, No! You're not well. What are you going to do?
Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war!
Dogs of war...
Whatever farm animal of war, Lana! Shut up!
[Inside the Irish mob's warehouse, Archer has tied up three mobsters and written "Irish" on the wall above them]
M1Mobster 1
You don't know who you're messin' with, boyo. Do ya have any idea who our boss is?
[Placing shells in a sawed-off shotgun] Nope, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board...
[Archer cocks the shotgun and puts it up to the mobster's knee]
Name the douchebag who's in charge!
M1Mobster 1
Vincent... Van Go-fuck-yourself.
Vincent Van Go-fuck-myself. Survey says! [Blows his kneecap off]
M1Mobster 1
AAAAAARRRGGHHHHHH!
M3Mobster 3
Oh, Christ!
JESUS! Archer!
What, Lana!? I said it was a rampage!
Still, though!
M1Mobster 1
Uurgh, you son of a whore!
Save it for the fast money round, paddy! [Moves on to second mobster] Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board, name the douchebag who's in charge!
[The second mobster doesn't say anything]
[Imitating buzzer] Eh-Eh! Need an answer!
[The second mobster spits in Archer's face]
Hmm, cock-flavored spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Lemme see cock-flavored spit! [Blows the second mobster's kneecap off] That's two strikes!
[Camera pans out to reveal three Latino janitors tied up with "Hondurans" written on the wall above them]
One more and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank! [To Hondurans] I'm just gonna assume you guys don't actually know what goes on here. I hope that doesn't sound racist. [Moves on to the third mobster] Okay, kid...
He is a kid, Archer!
LANA! You're in the isolation booth! [To young mobster] Looking for the douchebag who's in charge!
M1Mobster 1
Mikey Hannedy... if you say one word I'll cut your yellow heart right out!
[Makes buzzer noise again] Eh-Eh! [Shoots first mobster, killing him]
MMikey
Oh, Christ!
Mikey, you gotta listen to me, buddy... I have breast cancer.
M2Mobster 2
[Laughing] Breast cancer!?
[Archer closes his eyes in frustration and shoots the second mobster]
What have I been doing?
Chain-smoking joints the size of tampons!
Ew!
Figure of speech.
Still, though.
Are you not rampaging? I thought you were rampaging.
Kreiger's father was a nazi scientist!
And JFK's father was a bootlegger.
That's like comparing apples to... nazi oranges!
Oranges, exactly! Do you like powdered orange breakfast drink?
No. Not Really.
How about Microwave ovens, Neil Armstrong, hook and loop fasteners?
Ok, you lost me...
None of those things would have been possible without the nazi scientists we brought back after World War Two.
The nazis invented Neil Armstrong?
Rockets! Which put him on the moon. After the war ended, we were snatching up kraut scientists like hot cakes. You don't believe me? walk into NASA sometime and yell "Heil Hitler" WOOP they all jump straight up!
S2 E10El Secuestro
And then he was like--
"You're a moped."
How'd you know? And what's it mean, anyway?
Mopeds are fun but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.
Oh... I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. Only had ten beers.
Forties?
No... yes. Hence the shandy!
I spent, like, every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln. Apparently slavery was pretty awesome.
Prove it.
What's to prove? It's free labor.
Why would anyone want to kidnap you?
Because my last name isn't Gimple, like it says on my W-4. It's Tunt.
Tum again?
[looking out the window of Cheryl's mansion] Is... that...
[rolling her eyes] Yesss...
The Roosevelt Mansion?!
It's a shitbox, they're weird.
[A kidnapper punches Pam in the face]
Who taught you how to punch? [Spits] Your husband?
[Archer is talking to the kidnappers]
How long do I need to keep them on?
Two minutes.
What?!
What happened to thirty seconds?!
Uh, your mother's budget priorities?!
You idiots! This isn't Cheryl Tunt!
That's what I've been tryin' to tell ya. Between this little gal's love-taps-- [Kidnapper hits Pam in the face] Seriously, maybe see if your daddy'll give you a roll of nickels.
Screw them! Especially Cheryl; I hope you kidnap the shit out of her.
It's crazy stupid boring in here!
Well, now you know how Babou feels.
...Crepuscular?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.