Archer · Season 2
Archer and Ray had to leave through the garage.
Well, they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open... are they?
[Cut to garage]
Yes!
Why?!
Because you're just wearing it to piss me off!
Is it working?
Yes, so take it off! We look totally gay!
I am gay.
Well, I'm not!
Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?
Thanks for getting us inside, Pam. [beat] Someone shoot her.
Oh, OK, then good luck with all the biometric scanners. Unless you wanna cut off my fingers and scoop out my retinas. [Pause] Oh, don't be dicks!
[Pam's using a retina scanner]
Would you hurry up?!
Hey, I'm not the one smashed my eyes into eggplants! Nutsack!
[Archer is behind Cheryl, who is screaming]
Shut up! That vest is bullet-proof!
Oh. [gets shot in the arm] OW!
But it is, y'know, a vest.
[To Malory] And you! The worst of the bunch!
Me? Why me?
Five thousand measly dollars?!
Y'know, maybe I low-balled him at first... But I had some wiggle room.
Yeah? Well let's see how much you wiggle when I'm whupping five thousand buck's worth of your ass.
What the--?
What the hell is that?
Ugh, my stupid ocelot.
[leaves, excited] I've never seen an ocelot!
Uh, Cheryl, dear, I don't quite know how to put this, but--
[OC] Holy shit! You guys, look at its little spots!
How much are you--
Look at its tufted ears!
Worth?
I don't care if it's a Wehrmacht reunion party, this isn't my first Grand Prix you know.
Viola!
No! I am not sharing a room with you!
No, I'm sharing it with you, and it's the last one in the hotel. No view, but it has two queens.
Where's the other one? Greasing up in the bathroom?
Hey! You know what?
Ray, this is fine, two of us will just have to double up...
Exactly, two of you.
Exsqueeze me?
Oh don't worry. He may be a vain, selfish, lying, and quite possibly alcoholic man-whore, but gambling is one vice Sterling doesn't have.
Uh, I guess it's cause he's doing all that other awesome stuff, thanks mother.
Why isn't there a metal briefcase full of bearer-bonds handcuffed to your drinking arm?!
Uh, [Raises his glass] pretty sure you just answered your own question.
Why would she pay four millions dollars for unverified information?
Well, either she's getting Alzheimer's...
Hey.
Or it's another sex-tape.
HEY! [pause] Actually, that would not surprise me.
[repeatedly]
Benoit...
Balls.
I have a plan to get the money back. [See's Ray carrying a bag of toiletries] That doesn't include you taking my hotel toiletries!
You're not using them.
Yes, I am.
Go look at your pores then tell me you're using them. Then tell me your little genius plan.
Rob the casino.
Thanks for the lotion.
Impossible, madam: all my bellhops have been taken prisoner by the Wehrmacht.
There's a zoo here?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
