[Climbing into air vent] Holy shit, there really are nerve gas canisters up here. [Beat] I though that was a joke.
S4 E5Vicious Coupling
Why is Barry rocket-shipping away from the frickin' space station?
Because Newton's Third Law of Motion?
Hey, thanks, Neil deGrasse Tyson!
KSKrieger's Virtual Girlfriend
[aroused] Ooooh! DeGrasse Tyson-san.
S4 E6Once Bitten
I want it officially on record that I am strongly opposed to this mission.
[Laughs] What record?
[To Ray] You're shitting me! Bionic legs and you lift with your back?!
Cyril, if you call ISIS: I will literally, literally murder you! I'd rather die than sit through another one of Lana's I Told You So 's
[Stranded in the desert] Unless I'm hallucinating, there's a Land Cruiser over there flipping his high-beams at us.
CRCyril & Ray
You're hallucinating.
Oh. Well, the good news is we don't have to worry about these alligators... that's not actually good news, is it?
Why not?! Why won't you stand up to Malory with me?
Um, because we don't give a shit?
About the Earth?!
Please! If you really cared, you'd resign, but there's no way you ever will because you're just counting days until, her face bloated and yellow from liver failure, she calls you to her deathbed and in a croaky whisper explains that Mr. Archer is totally incompetent and that you, the long suffering Lana Kane, are the only one qualified to run ISIS and you weep shameful tears because this terrible place is the only true love you will ever know...
[shocked] ...Excuse me... [Leaves]
Daaaaaamn!
What? ...Oh-my-God was I talking?
S4 E7Live and Let Dine
He's a Master Chef! Which, turns out, is not nearly as gay a job as I thought it was. I mean, it's no secret agent, but it's way above architect.
LCLance Casteau
Remember when I said you could've been a great chef?
Yes.
LLance
Every morning I make two cooks like you in the toilet.
S4 E8Coyote Lovely
Mexico's most notorious coyote... Which is Español for "people smuggler."
Thanks. That's—
And also for... coyote, it turns out.
Archer—
It's a loanword. Or is it a calque?
Why do you always do this?
Because I'm always bored.
Is he—? This is totally nerve-wracking. How are you bored?
Don't engage him.
Because I've been lying in scorpion piss for two hours in the sun-blasted shit-hole which is Texas, waiting for a stupid truck stuffed with smallish brown people who just want a job.
And probably Mexican cartel gunmen!
What'd I just say?
Big whoop. I'm spooning a Barrett .50-cal. I could kill a building.
Just put one through the engine block when the truck has to stop, please. [To Cyril] This is what he does. He knows we're tense, because we're normal human beings. My theory—and I'm serious—is that he's got some rare kind of pervasive developmental disorder, or even undiagnosed atypical autism.
Um... Your mic's hot.
I know.
Wow.
[To Cyril] Would you man up, Kimmy Kevlar?!
Milk comes from Mexicans? Oh my God, what's cereal made from?!
Swear to God, you people make me want to pump nerve gas through the vents.
[over loudspeaker] Just say the word.
[To Bilbo] Clean the impending massive heart attack out of your ears!
S4 E9The Honeymooners
What do you think you're doing?
My job, Lana.
And what part of your job exactly is groping my ass?!
The part that calls for spy-craft. C'mon, we're posing as newlyweds, so—
Yeah, posing!
And I'm drunk on nuptial bliss.
You're drunk on champagne.
Eh, little column A, little column B.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.