Archer quotes

Archer

So, obviously I'm not happy about this whole arrangement, but...

Cyril

But your mother is, so...

Archer

But I wonder what Lana thinks about...

Cyril

Lana's not "need to know" this.

Archer

Wow. "Open purse, remove balls," huh?

Cyril

Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.

Archer

Uh hello! Herpes?!

Cyril

YOU GAVE LANA HERPES?!

Cyril

Hello, Cheryl.

Cheryl

It's Carol.

Archer

Wha-- Since when?

Cheryl

Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.

Archer

Well that's just... Excuse us.

Cyril

What is this herpes business?

Archer

Bad joke. And a false alarm.

Archer

This is what a real field agent uses.

Cyril

The point is a lot finer than I prefer.

Archer

That's because it's a hypodermic needle and the cartridge is full of a deadly super-toxin called poiso... caine. [puts the pen in Cyril's shirt-pocket] Keep it in here. But be careful, because the cap slips off for, like, no reason.

Archer

Oh, I'm crazy? Cyril, you're the one who killed a perfectly good hooker.

Malory

Immigrants! That's how they do, you know. Just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.

Archer

Oh my God, you killed a hooker!

Cyril

Call girl! She was a call girl!

Archer

No, Cyril, when they're dead, they're just hookers!

Cyril

Will I get to learn karate?

Archer

Karate?! The Dane Cook of martial arts?! No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.

Cyril

When would you use an underwear gun?

Archer

Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow, and you're kind of high, an exotic woman on the bed. Now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for? Or is she an... assassin?

Cyril

I don't know.

Archer

Oh, here's room service. Who ordered champagne?

Cyril

Ah. How should I know?

Archer

Exactly. You're baked. You can't remember. But since when does it take three huge surly Jamaican guys to deliver one bottle of champagne?

Cyril

Ohh. Because they're assassins too?

Archer

Or.. Maybe one guy's a new waiter. The second one's training him, and the third's from maintenance, finally off his lazy ass to fix the A.C.

Cyril

Oh, yeah. I guess that could happen.

Archer

Point is, you come out of the john waving this around... no one's gonna bug you for a tip.

Cheryl

Hey, Pam, check this out.

Pam

Holy shit snacks!

Malory

We have snacks?!

Pam

Holy hell, what happened to you?

Malory

Scatterbrain Jane...

Lana

Hey, Jane! [pulls out a switch blade] Gettin' a snack?

Lana

Hey, Jane! [pulls out a switch blade] Gettin' a tampon?

Archer

I am the best at this, Rain Man! OK. I'm like...

Cyril

Who? James Bond?

Archer

Well, I don't like to invite that comparison, but yeah, basically.

Cyril

So do something!

Archer

I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril. I'm shooting the gun, see. I'm driving the car.

Cyril

I could drive better than that.

Archer

So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting.

Cyril

Oh no you are not. you are totally not...

Archer

I totally am not.

Cyril

How did you know where I was?

Lana

When we first started going out, I may have...[quickly] injected a tracking device into your body.

Cyril

In my body?

Lana

Baby? Hon?

Cyril

No no, now that is a breach of trust, Lana.

Lana

Do you really want to open this can of trust-breachy worms right after I just caught you and my ex-boyfriend with a dead hooker in the trunk?

Cyril

I do not.

Lana

You do not.

Cyril

Oh, I think we're pretty diverse.

Lana

Ha! Please...

Archer

What? You're black... ish...

Lana

"ISH?"

Archer

Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said "Quadroon!"

Lana

Imagine that!

Archer

You imagine it!

Malory

Both of you, imagine shutting up!

Lana

[about Conway] And what do we know about this guy?

Archer

Only that he's uncircumcised.

Lana

[Pause] Okay, glossing over how you know that--

Archer

We touched penises.

Lana

NO, GLOSSING! But wait, an uncircumsized Jewish guy? Isn't that kinda weird to you?

Archer

What's weird about that? I'm not Jewish but I am circum--

Lana

That's not how it works!

Archer

Oh Lana, I think we both know it works just fine.

Lana

What are you doing?

Archer

Uh, none-of-your-business-ing. And what kind of spy agency scrimps on a freaking shredder?