Aqua Teen Hunger Force quotes

Carl, I know it's late, but I really need to borrow your car, man.

PPod

Carl, he does not need to borrow your car. [Carl slams the door] Carl believes me.

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I have a gun and I will shoot your hand clean the hell off. I will do it!

[carrying hot dogs] Hey y'all.

Do it right now! I'LL GO GET MY GUN!

You know, they giving out free hot dogs over at that car dealership down the way.

I prefer the meat of the burger!

AS DO I.

...yeah, that meat...ain't looking so good. Seems like the burger has moved some, ain't it?

(crazed) Yeah, the ants are breeding. They want to TAKE IT FROM US.

But that ain't happening on our watch, right man! Gimme five.

Get your fucking hand out of my face.

PROFANITY VIO-! Ohh! Ohhhhhh, profanity violation! Phil! PHIL!

PPhil

Wh-What's up, what's going on?

Phil, he is INDISCRIMINATELY dropping F-bombs on the heads of all these kids around here.

PPhil

Yeah, there's-there's nothing about profanity in the bylaws, so...

Come on, man. Don't you wanna see this end?

PPhil

Look, I get paid by the hour, man.

Phil, come on. Please, I know you.

Phil.

We've been through a lot together, haven't we- Hey, how is your wife?

Don't listen to him, man!

Didn't she have a baby or something while we were here? What'd you name it, I was wondering.

PPhil

Penelope. I've told you like, five times.

Might be nice to get this over with-

Phil!

-and spend some time with that cute little...

PPhil

It's a girl.

Girl, great, that's right!

Don't fall for it, Phil!

I might be able to give you and her some uh, some sesame seeds off of this bun to play with...

He's trying to trick you, Phil!

...IF we could maybe end this soon?

PPhil

I- He's gotta take his hands off. That's the only way he's gonna be disqualified.

I'm WELL-VERSED in the bylaws, asshole!

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[carrying rubber boots] What you want these for?

Put them on my feet, man.

All right, these are your feet now? Okay, sure.

[setting himself down] That should ground me. [He shoots eye lasers at an overhead power line. The wire falls to the ground, hot] All right, I'll run a 4,000-volt current through the bun, then when Shake comes back...

UVUnseen voice

No, wait!

What the hell?

UVUnseen voice

Don't electrify the bun!

Who's that? Who said that? Who said that?!

UVUnseen voice

It's me! [The hamburger forms a mouth] The giant hamburger, or at least that's how people see me! Finally tonight, you will win the contest, and you will come with me to Hamburger Planet!

Now where have I heard that voice before? [Flashes back to "Dickesode" and "The Creature from Plaque Lagoon"] Wongburger!

WWongburger

That's right. It is I! [His glasses form] Dr. Wongburger! It took me years of therapy to come to terms with my true identity. My parents couldn't accept it!

"My son isn't a cheeseburger!" they cried.

"Your son IS a cheesburger!" I cried back!

Look, I don't need to know the whole story, okay?

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[in a hospital room near an elderly man on life support]

This is the plan? What the hell is this?!

Shut up and read! Aloud! For his pleasure.

Come on this guy isn't even awake! Bleah. Smells like hot clam juice in here!

Read to him!

[gives him the finger] Read this. Between the lines. What does it say?

[Angel sighs and sends Master Shake down to a flaming place for about 5 seconds, Master Shake reappears charred and burning]

Ooh, ooh, okay which book? Show me- Show me which book so I can read to that guy!

The pop-up book! [gives Shake a book entitled "Sammy the Gerbil and His Big Muffin Adventure"]

Well there's nothing to read! All the pages are gone!

He won't mind. He doesn't have any family.

Yeah, because he's boring. Would you visit this? I wouldn't! You have to engage people, with clever conversation and- [Angel sighs and sends Master Shake screaming down to the burning place again for about 5 seconds, Master Shake reappears charred and burning] Ahh ahh ahh! Okay! So here's the title! Sammy the Gerbil, and His Muffin Adventure.

[long pause]

Over and over and over again!

[annoyed] Sammy the Gerbil and his Muffin Adventure.

Make it your own!

[a little more feeling] Sammy the Gerbil and his Muffin Adventure!

Have fun with it!

[mysteriously] Sammy, the Gerbil! And his Muffin, ADVE-E-ENTURE!!!

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Ask Carl if there's anything you can do for him.

Carl, is there anything I could possibly do for you?

Go down to the mall and buy me a half-dozen black graphic tees. The one with the wings and the barbed wire and they say "Choke Out!"

Are you serious?

Ask him what size.

[Cut to later: Carl wearing a black graphic tee that says "Surf's Up"]

Aw, these are knock-offs! Read this back to me! What does it say?

"Surf's Up"

"Surf's Up"! What did I tell you?! I told you I wanted the real ones that say "Choke Out!"

Where have I heard that one before? Maybe coming out of my own mouth when we were at the mall looking at the shirts?

"Surf's Up" were cheaper. I'm on a fixed budget here, man.

Well I guess we're going back to the mall.

You go back to the mall! [Cut to Carl wearing a similar tee, but it says "Choke Out"] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Yeah!

Thank him.

For what?! I did that for him! [is burned by the angel then reappears] Aah! Aah! aah!

I can do this all day.

Yes. Yes, of course. Thank you, Carl, for being there while I replenished your wardrobe with my dangerously overextended credit cards.

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Frylock! Come on, get this thing to go! Hurry! [smashing Frylock's Computer]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't hit it like that. What are you trying to do?

I'm--I need to hire a demon immediately please! I mean, sir! I mean-- stop bein' nice!

You could check out Craigslist.

Good idea, thanks man! I mean, I know that already! Now get out of your room so you can go be stupid somewhere else please jerkface!

Why aren't you waxing--ohhh. Hey do you have a bathroom?

Oddly, no.

Well how do you--

We don't.

What? Uh. I'll be right back.

Uhh.. Who was that?

You could see him? Hurry up! How long does angel diarrhea last?

I don't know. It probably varies. Why don't you just google it?

Hey! How do you spell "diarrhea"?

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Well, angel, we meet again. But this time, it is I who possess the power. Isn't that right, Neil?

NNeil

Ugh! Neelzebub!

Neelzebub, right. You may be interested to know that I purchased six cases of beer for Neelzebub and his underaged friends, and then I am going to drive them all to the Insane Clown Posse show.

And how is that gonna defeat me?

That's a pretty good question. Neil?

NNeil

Hey, guys, you want to see me fart on something?

Neil, over here, please.

NNeil

Oh, God! Read from the scrolls!

Hmm. I'll hypnotize you like a vampire. Bite your neck and set your head on fire.

Are those actual ICP lyrics?

Yeah.

"I'll hypnotize you, then bite your neck, then set your head on fire" there's, like, one -- one item in there is not necessary at all, and you can take your pick.

Neil, he's not doing anything. Got nothing here.

NNeil

It's gonna take like a few minutes now, 'cause you weren't standing still and you didn't have your hands up. So can you, like, drive us to the concert now?

But your mom's gonna pick you up, right?

NNeil

Yeah, um, Lee's mom.

Leeman the demon? I thought he was grounded.

NNeil

He's uh, he's sneaking out.

Wait, wait, wait. If he's sneaking out, how is his mom going to pick you up? Does he tell his mom he's sneaking out? 'Cause then it's not really sneaking out, right?

Yeah, Neil? She won't know about it.

NNeil

Uh, well, can you pick us up, also?

Both ways?!

You're just chauffeuring these guys around.

You never even told Lee's mom, did you? Did you?! That was not part of the deal, Neil.

Ooh, quick question. Is this is part of the deal? [sends Master Shake to the flaming area]

NNeil

Whoa! no way!

LLee

Oh, my god, that's fuckin' awesome.

[reappears charred and burning] Aah! aah! That's your cue, Neil! Come on!

LLee

Whoa!

NNeil

No way!

Call upon the power! aah!

NNeil

Can you show me that? Show me that! You got to show me that!

Well, maybe when you're older, tiger. How old are you, anyway?

NNeil

14 1/2.

Neil! You said you were fully licensed to do this!

NNeil

Well, Yeah, I said that, but um, my Dad's an attorney, and he says you got to get everything in writing. Sorry.

Fine. You know what? I'm ending this now. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

NNeil

Bye.

Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell. [sticks a shotgun in his mouth and kills himself]

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AAttorney

Mr. 2 Dope, perhaps you would care to read, for the ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the lyrics from your popular song "Blacken Your Eyes"?

S2Shaggy 2 Dope

"Filled your head with lead because I want you dead. Girly, girly bitch. You fucking freaky bitch."

AAttorney

What could possibly be offensive about that? [Frylock clears throat] I mean, that's deplorable. Your songs drove my clients' roommate to kill himself. Would that be an accurate statement?

VJViolent J

Allow me to interject, please. We at Insane Clown Posse are very, very active in the community. We work with a number of local charities.

S2Shaggy 2 Dope

Yeah, like, we read to dead people.

[Rapping to dead man]

VJViolent J

Sammy the Gerbil

S2Shaggy 2 Dope

and his Muffin Adventure!

S2Shaggy 2 Dope

We also spit fire. [The Posse spits fire out of their mouths, engulfing the courtroom]

AAttorney

No further questions.

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[Meatwad is calling Frylock because he is not paying attention and is transfixed by a game on his phone and he almost drowned]

FSFrylock's Voicemail

Waaasuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?! If you need to leave a message, just do so after the beep.

Hey, I almost died over in that pool over here...next to you! So hit me back on my celly. 'Cause I wanna yell at you. Talk about dinner. All right later. [hangs up]

[still playing] Yeah... awesome!

(angry) Your son is drowning...

He knows, I left him a voicemail.

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[Shake and Frylock are transfixed playing a game on Frylock's phone, while chaos, started by a ghost in the house looms on around them]

GGhost

[appears in front of Meatwad who has been the only one noticing all the chaos] Can you please get their atention?

Gee boy, I've been trying, I mean usually when I want attention, I threaten suicide. And then I get ice cream.

GGhost

[hauntingly] GOOOOOD IDEAAAAAA!

Hey y'all. My life sucks. I ain't got nothing to live for, and I wanna end it now. [cocks a pistol]

[Master Shake and Frylock pay no attention]

GGhost

Pop off a couple rooouuunds!

[Meatwad fires his gun into the air once; Frylock and Master Shake pay no attention]

I'm so...angry at myself...I'm so depressed...

GGhost

HE'S SEEEERIOOOOOUUUUUSSSSSS!

And I'm just gonna end the suffering right now...

[Frylock and Master Shake pay no attention; Meatwad puts the pistol to his head and fires three times]

[now with three bullet holes in his head] Oh, well, I missed. Gotta reload now.

GGhost

It's not working!

Just blow up the house man!

[the house blows up]

[his phone is destroyed] Dammit! I signed a two year contract for that!

Piece of crap! Send it back to China. It blew up our house!

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[intro sequence] 100, 100, 100. 10 times 10 equals 100. There are 100 cents in a dollar. A football field is 100 yards. There are 100 senators in Congress. The sum of the first nine prime numbers is 100! The boiling temperature of water is 100! Abraham was 100 years old when his son Isaac was born! The number of tiles in a standard scrabble set is 100! The temperature of the human 98.6 degrees, which is close to 100! 9 Plus 8 minus 6 is 11, which is 89 away from 100!

[sequence ends; Frylock has written the number 100 all over the walls of the Aqua Teen House] Now, all right, all right. See, now you're just pulling that out of your ass. That is an ass-pull, my friend.

What about "One Hundred men and a Girl"?!

So what?

It's a 1937 musical comedy film starring Deanna Durbin.

So is "3 Men and a Baby."

I didn't like the men in that, but I liked the baby.

100 Is everywhere, man. Don't you see it?

Yeah, 'cause you done wrote it all over the walls with a crayon, man. And I do one little cotton-pickin' rainbow, and i get my heinie spanked. [Microwave beeps] Oh, lunch is ready. Sausage and two bagels. [the sausage and two bagels are arranged on the plate in the form of the number 100]

Look, see? Look at the plate!

I don't know what you're talking about. [turns on the television]

KPKid Puppet

100 Kisses from the angels on my tummy / 100 kisses from my Mommy when I'm crummy / 100 sins leaves you dead within / 100 nails that pierce your skin! 100! 100!

Turn it off! [shuts eyes] Turn it off right now!

[turns it off] Come on. It's a coincidence!

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[The Aqua Teens are in their new Hanna-Barbera style show, Aqua Unit Patrol Squad]

Zoinks! Like, this is spooooky! Isn't that right, Flyboy?

It's Flylock! I mean Fryrock. I mean--Dammit! Who am I?