[on Carl's used condoms, raked from his lawn] These is what—pudding tubes?
Yeah, that's it. Lap up that free pudding. Bill Cosby left it just for you.
These look like Vanilla Blast, but they taste like Sizzlin' Salt 'Splosion.
S7Rubberman
I christen thee Rubberman!
Yeah, no, it ain't that.
Slap on a little glove, and get ready for some love. Keep the gunk with my junk, when I load it in her very spacious trunk.
Is he alive? Cause I need someone to take me to the mall.
In a way, he is. He's coated in thousands of microscopic organisms.
Frylock, I know what sperm and bacteria is. What I'm saying is, will he come to life if I put this magic hat on his head.
Looks like he's already come to life.
But... I never had the chance to say goodbye."
Alright. Then put it back on.
Okay. [puts Lance's helmet back on]
LLance
Fools! No one will stop Rubberman! [Frylock incinerates him with a flamethrower] Oh, no! Someone IS stopping Rubberman!
S7Eggball
[on Death Island]
I am bored. Let's go back home.
We parachuted here!
Yeah, I know, because it was cheaper!
The tickets said one-way.
Round-trip was INSANE. You want to pay those prices, be my guest!
Had we rented the boat like I wanted, we could get back in the boat and go home!
Well, we didn't do that, did we? Because someone didn't assert themselves enough. I keep telling you to read my book, Master Your Finances and $hake it Up!
[Shake opens the book]
"Chapter 1: Make Every Problem Your Slave." Seriously, did you even pick it up?
Yeah, we got a garage full of 'em.
Well, that's cause they didn't sell, because YOU shut the website down!
Hey, y'all, we can take these jetskis over here.
SHUT UP, Meatwad. I'm discussing my book over here!
Alright, Shake. You win. How do you make THIS problem your slave?
Well, I'll tell ya. "Rule 1: Assess the situation." (looks around) We are fucked.
Y'all see these jetskis?
"Rule 2: Apply blame." You, Frylock. You're the one.
What about these jetskis?
"Rule 3: Don't let the blame-ee hear about you blaming them." Hey, Meatwad, Frylock really jobbed us on this, didn't he?
Yeah, you probably shouldn't say that with him...standing right there. You see these jetskis?
"Rule 4: Make a suggestion, but don't own up to it in case it sucks." Hey guys, what if we make a boat out of sand, BUT it's a glass bottom boat? Then we can host tours for this roasted bird and get money to buy a plane ticket outta here from an airport that does not exist.
That idea sucks.
Yeah, I know. Whose idea was that, Meatwad?
Two jetskis, right over here.
Which leads me to rule 4. "Take well deserved nap." Good night, good luck, the end.
C1Chicken 1
(In turkey clucks) Game over. Life over.
(Is laying on the beach with swelling bruise and a black eye) I do not...understand...what you are saying to me!
C1Chicken 1
(In turkey clucks) I speak in turkey clucks.
Wait, what's that again?
C1Chicken 1
(In turkey clucks) I...speak...in...turkey...clucks.
...Speak English! Why is that not a law everywhere?
C2Chicken 2
(speaking English) He speaks only in turkey clucks.
C3Chicken 3
(speaking English) He's an idiot.
All right, what do YOU want, you big, gay baby?!
[Group of chickens at the end]
C1Chicken 1
I'm just throwing ideas at the wall here but...
[picks up Shake's self-help book]
C1Chicken 1
...what if we build a giant daycare center, and put him in it?
C2Chicken 2
WHAT THE FUCK?! The island is gone!
C3Chicken 3
That's a stupid idea, Lyle!
S7Multiple Meats
MSMeatwad's Right Side
What's your name, boy?
MSMeatwad's Left Side
Meatwad.
MSMeatwad's Right Side
Of the New Jersey Meatwads?
How was I supposed to know he was gonna do that?
He's like a damn worm, man. He's got no brain. You cut him up, and he'll multiply.
Wait a minute. Do you mean like in Tremors?
... Yeah, sure. Exactly like in Tremors.
[jumps onto a nearby keyboard instrument] Get off the ground! He feels the vibrations! You can float. Go get me food!
MSMeatwad's Right Side
We've been tricked into entering the door!
MSMeatwad's Left Side
I'm sorry I dragged you into this man.
MSMeatwad's Right
No, I'm the sorry one.
MSMeatwad's Left
No, no, no. I'm the sorry one.
MSMeatwad's Right
Don't beat yourself up over this. I'm the sorry one.
You're both about to be very sorry, that you entered this horrid world! [draws an axe and slices Meatwad's Right Side in half] And that's called taking care of business.
MSMeatwad's Mouth
Mama? Daddy?
MSMeatwad's Right
Hey good buddy. Nice to meat you. I'm Meatwad!
MSMeatwad's Left
So am I.
MSMeatwad's Mouth
I am too!
Oh, you gotta be kidding me!
MSMeatwad's Left
We're all Meatwads!
MSMeatwad's Mouth
Let's have a...tearful reunion.
MSMeatwad's Right
Group hug everybody! [they hug each other]
MSMeatwad's Left
Hey! I got an idea everybody!
MSMeatwad's Right
You wanna play Candy Land?
MSMeatwad's Left
YOU TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUTTA MY BRAIN!
MSMeatwad's Mouth
Let's play candy Land!
MSMeatwad's Right
CANDY LAND!
MSMeatwad's Left
Yeah, Candy Land!
(To Master Shake)
MSMeatwad's Right
How about you, Shake?
MSMeatwad's Mouth
Would you like to play Candy Land?
No, I would not. But I will show you what I do want to play. [Shows Master Shake outside cutting one of the Meatwad sides in half] I declare these Olympic Games, OPEN!
M2Meatwad #2
No, please. After you.
You go ahead.
Shut up.
M2Meatwad #2
I couldn't possibly. after you.
No, no, no, no, I insist -- after you.
Shut up, both of you.
M2Meatwad #2
: No, please. Your hands are full. You go ahead.
I ain't got hands.
M2Meatwad #2
But I just rather that you go first.
Why don't you just go ahead anyways?
M2Meatwad #2
No, no, I couldn't.
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! [slams the door and runs away in fear, but the door just opens back up]
[brief pause]
M2Meatwad #2
You lead the way.
No, you lead the way.
[The Meatwads and Carl are playing Texas Hold 'em Poker with flash cards]
CCarl
Alright, we got a five dollar blind, ten dollar ante, jacks to open, trips to win. Who's in? Let me see your money, gentlemen.
(putting down bills, stuffed animals) I'm in!
CCarl
(puts down $5) And I am in as well. (puts down same $5) And I will raise you...another $5.
M2Meatwad #2
I'm out.
M3Meatwad #3
I'm out.
M5Meatwad #5
I'm out.
M6Meatwad #6
Too rich for my blood.
M7Meatwad #7
And I ain't got no damn money!
CCarl
(angrily) Hey, Seven! When you ain't got no damn money, that's when you leave the table.
M7Meatwad #7
But I like to watch.
CCarl
You're lucky I ain't bring no pit boss over here. That stuff wouldn't fly at the Taj.
M1Meatwad #1
Alright Carl, check it out; Triangle, Bug, Firetruck.
CCarl
Two pair!
M1Meatwad #1
Yeah? You like that?
CCarl
Not bad with only three cards.
M1Meatwad #1
I ate two of them.
CCarl
But, uh...that certainly don't beat two Goats, a Circle, a Star, and the letter J. Full house AND a pair! Hahaha, read 'em and weep, gentlemen!
CCarl
[Taking his "winnings"] These bills feel, uh...small...and yellow...and this is a dead squirrel.
M1Meatwad #1
Maybe them bills shrunk.
M6Meatwad #6
But probably they just come from a board game. [holds up said board game] Foreclosure!
CCarl
What the- I knew a chicken was never president! You owe me $1200, or I'm gonna send my cousin over here to break your hands. You got 48 hours.
Bye, Carl!
M1Meatwad #1
Thanks for the lesson!
CCarl
Pick your nose clean while you got the chance, cause you'll be digging for gold with finger splints after Tuesday!
[the Meatwads have gathered in the living room]
They're meeting on how to form their own stupid government!
The floor recognizes Meatwad!
But here's the fun part: they're still trying to decide on who should bring the juice boxes.
I'd hate for you to bring that much trouble, 'cause I can bring juice boxes.
SEVENTY FIVE MINUTES...of this.
Aw, juice boxes are expensive. Let ME bring the juice boxes.
It is so fucking retarded! [Meatwads arguing while Shake is talking] We are not establishing a democracy in this house! THIS is a DICTATORSHIP! And I RULE WITH AN IRON DICK!
Let's call the matter to a vote. Raise your hand if you would like to bring the juice boxes. [All Meatwads raise their "hands"] Aaaand let's count...no one can count. We're deadlocked again.
OMOther Meatwad
I demand a recount!
As I said, no one counted right the first time.
Frylock, I'm on my last leg! You need to help me mush all this together, and set fire to it!
No, no no no. I have a better idea. [to the Meatwads] Hey gang! Let's all sing a song!
Okay! Okey-dokey! All rightey-rooney!
[singing] Three million bottles of beer on the wall....
[brief pause]
[singing]....Three million bottles of beer...
Yeah!
[singing] Take one down, pass it around, two million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand. nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall!
[gets a suitcase] See you dude. [leaves]
Wait. Wait don't go!
[singing in the background] Two million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, two million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer...
You know what? I'm leaving too! [brief pause] Okay that was a bluff, but- DON'T GO!
OMOne Meatwad
Wait...I got mixed up. Start over.
[freaking out] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Three million bottles of beer on the wall....
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Aqua Teen Hunger Force pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.