[The Meatwads and Carl are playing Texas Hold 'em Poker with flash cards]
Alright, we got a five dollar blind, ten dollar ante, jacks to open, trips to win. Who's in? Let me see your money, gentlemen.
(putting down bills, stuffed animals) I'm in!
(puts down $5) And I am in as well. (puts down same $5) And I will raise you...another $5.
M6Meatwad #6
Too rich for my blood.
M7Meatwad #7
And I ain't got no damn money!
(angrily) Hey, Seven! When you ain't got no damn money, that's when you leave the table.
M7Meatwad #7
But I like to watch.
You're lucky I ain't bring no pit boss over here. That stuff wouldn't fly at the Taj.
M1Meatwad #1
Alright Carl, check it out; Triangle, Bug, Firetruck.
M1Meatwad #1
Yeah? You like that?
Not bad with only three cards.
M1Meatwad #1
I ate two of them.
But, uh...that certainly don't beat two Goats, a Circle, a Star, and the letter J. Full house AND a pair! Hahaha, read 'em and weep, gentlemen!
[Taking his "winnings"] These bills feel, uh...small...and yellow...and this is a dead squirrel.
M1Meatwad #1
Maybe them bills shrunk.
M6Meatwad #6
But probably they just come from a board game. [holds up said board game] Foreclosure!
What the- I knew a chicken was never president! You owe me $1200, or I'm gonna send my cousin over here to break your hands. You got 48 hours.
M1Meatwad #1
Thanks for the lesson!
Pick your nose clean while you got the chance, cause you'll be digging for gold with finger splints after Tuesday!
[the Meatwads have gathered in the living room]
They're meeting on how to form their own stupid government!
The floor recognizes Meatwad!
But here's the fun part: they're still trying to decide on who should bring the juice boxes.
I'd hate for you to bring that much trouble, 'cause I can bring juice boxes.
SEVENTY FIVE MINUTES...of this.
Aw, juice boxes are expensive. Let ME bring the juice boxes.
It is so fucking retarded! [Meatwads arguing while Shake is talking] We are not establishing a democracy in this house! THIS is a DICTATORSHIP! And I RULE WITH AN IRON DICK!
Let's call the matter to a vote. Raise your hand if you would like to bring the juice boxes. [All Meatwads raise their "hands"] Aaaand let's count...no one can count. We're deadlocked again.
OMOther Meatwad
I demand a recount!
As I said, no one counted right the first time.
Frylock, I'm on my last leg! You need to help me mush all this together, and set fire to it!
No, no no no. I have a better idea. [to the Meatwads] Hey gang! Let's all sing a song!
Okay! Okey-dokey! All rightey-rooney!
[singing] Three million bottles of beer on the wall....
[brief pause]
[singing]....Three million bottles of beer...
[singing] Take one down, pass it around, two million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand. nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall!
[gets a suitcase] See you dude. [leaves]
[singing in the background] Two million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, two million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer...
You know what? I'm leaving too! [brief pause] Okay that was a bluff, but- DON'T GO!
OMOne Meatwad
Wait...I got mixed up. Start over.
[freaking out] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Three million bottles of beer on the wall....
Yeah, man. I've got the thinking how trapped I had been all those years, you know? So, I've wrote a book on the dangers of codependency, and it was a best-seller. I've turned it into a lucrative franchise of six movies, a tv show, and a series of self-help discs. I've married Cheryl Tiegs, divorced her, and married her underaged granddaughter. And we live very happily on a small island, south of France, with the New York Football Giants, who I've purchased two years ago with all the proceeds of my wildly successful life.
Well, seems like you've wasted a lot of time.
Zero bottles of beer, you can't take one down 'cause there ain't no more bottles of beer on the wall and you got to call Carl and order more bottles of beer for your wall! Dang. that was fun!
M3Meatwad #3
Yeah, that was fun!
M4Meatwad #4
Well, now what do we do?
I suppose we can sit here and get to know each other... Or we could sing that song one more cotton-pickin' time.
M2Meatwad #2
Yeah, we could!
M5Meatwad #5
Yeah, let's sing it again!
3 Million bottles of beer on the wall, 3 million bottles of beer... [Frylock's limousine takes off] take one down, pass it around... [A gunshot is seen and heard from Frylock's room, implying Shake committed suicide to escape the nightmare of the Meatwads' constant singing] 2,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!
Oh, look, it's your gerbil Starsky. Hey, Starsky.
Yeah, you want something to eat?
SStarsky
(turned into a demon) GIVE ME A CELERY STICK, YOU SCAB!
(throwing holy water on Starsky, who vomits all over the room) The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
SStarsky
YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!
Just help me roll this into the garage.
Why don't you help me suck it? Wait a minute, that backfired. Gee, that sounded like I suck it all the time, which I don't. And it also implies that I would need help, which we both know that I don't. I can suck my own stuff. Listen, what I'm on, it's dangerous!
Looks like the Aqua Teens is back in the house, and Schoolly D back on the mic, baby!
It's been so long, you thought I left you
But I was in jail with my nephew
I needed that bail, so I kept you
I bet you thought I let you
Take my name, my game
And makin' that money my thang
You got to understand
That Frylock is the man
Yes yes ya'll, to the beat ya'll
I got a call from Vishal
I was standin' in my kitchen
Said he had a mission
Said they needed some new transitions
Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Schoolly D I'm back of course
[The Aqua Teens are in church]
You said there was gonna be food and I don't see meat! I see bread, but that ain't a sandwich.
There's no protein. I wanna be Muscle Man for Halloween and I have to start NOW!
Will you shut up? They have to bless it first!
[cuts off Shake] Don't you say it.
What I'm not allowed to say a NAME?
You're taking it in vain.
No I'm not. When I use it, I get results.
(as Frylock gives money during an offering in Church) Where'd you get money?
I worked for it. And I'm giving it to the church, because you need to experience how it feels to give, and not just receive, like you usually do!
But also, how it feels to receive too. 'Cause that's a good feeling too y'all. When Santa Clause comes down from the cross, and give me all that stuff I asked for.
(sighs; as Meatwad called a statue of Jesus Christ's crucifixion Santa) That ain't Santa Clause, okay? How many times do I gotta tell you that?
Well he got a beard. And that ain't a belly full of jelly. Look like he got an appendectomy scar. Is this the mall? 'Cause I'm sitting here wondering how I gonna sit on his lap when he's hanging from some nails.
(angry) Santa Claus did NOT die for our sins!!
Santa Claus is dead?! No!!
Yes. He crashed his sleigh, right into a wall...'cause he was drinking a lot...
It was a twisted fiery wreckage...of sleigh, reindeer bones, and the old fat bastard's guts.
(leaving) Excuse me, folks we need to go. (drags Master Shake with him)
And who's drunk enough to get nailed to wood?! I can see maybe one nail! But then you'd think he'd move! But NOOOO. We gotta revere him for his slow reaction time?!
[during a recording session]
[rapping] Happy birthday Jesus / You are the one / Coming down to Earth / From planet Krypton / Rollin out tracks and getting it on / like the 'Wrath of Khan' with Ricardo Montalban / It rained fishes and loaves on the bitches and the hos / They said they want some mo' and he said, "Hell no!" / Yo I got the flow / You ghost ridin' the whip / You suckin' on my-
MMichael
Okay, let's cut it there.
[breathes] Whoo! I was hoping to get the word 'ding-dong' in on that take, but I ran out of breath.
I think you recognize me.
You might've seen me in one of those Christopher Guest movies. "Best in Show?" "Waiting for Guffman?" "A Mighty Win?" No?
Alright, well I'm a stand-up comedian, I've been on Letterman, Leno, Conan. Dozens of times, really everyone.
How about the...uh... "The Nutty Professor" movies? That may be more of your speed. The Klumps?
Oh, yeah! The one where Martin Lawrence, uh, Martin dresses like an old woman, you know, but he's a cop! He's not an old woman, he's a cop! [hours later] His partner gets shot, you know, and then they rip his mask off, and then like "You're...you're not an old woman, right? You're Martin!" "Big Nanny" or big... "Big Granny" or something. "Big Granny 2", maybe there was a sequel. So, were you in that?
You were the judge of the gymnastics contest! I know that!
Nah, no, that guy was black.
Well, close enough. "Pretty Woman?" "Boston Legal?" "10 Things I Hate About You?" Doing anything for you?
You know what? I admire a man like you because yes, let's cut to the chase. I am the celebrity spokesman for a line of artificial hair. And I also occasionally sell hair, myself, on the weekend because I have... [Larry laughs] a gambling problem that's all-consuming.
How 'bout some lo mein noodles? Come on in.
I was just about to toss these. [Carl sniffs] They reek.
Yes, clearly. Well, the point is you qualify for a free 7-day trial for the Larry Miller Hair System for men.
Dude, if it's so great, then how come you ain't got it?
We only have one and God told us to bring it to you!
Free hair, made out of painted and corrugated sheet metal. Come on, what's the catch?
If I didn't fully believe in this product, why else did you think I spend my weekends selling and installing the Larry Miller hair system for men?
Well, cuz you said you got a bad gambling problem.
I know I do. I know I have that problem, and that's half the battle admitting it. It... it's like I've just become someone else for weeks. It takes control. And you know what? I'm not ashamed to say it. Well, I'm a little ashamed. Alright, I'm mortified, but the point is I believe in this product and my ability to make money off of it. Try one on!
It's lanolin, from someone else's skin. Someone who returned it.
They're lost [Carl laughs].
Here, step into this simulator.
Uh, I don't see any, uh...
