MMeatwad
You guys see what I saw? Well, I did. Carl showed that tall pink man his heinie, and he grew fangs and fur and claws, and they went inside and had a heated discussion.
Yeah, we're not gonna get involved with that.
He is a werewolf, Fryman. He saw Carl's full moon and it changed him.
Shake, they are no such things as werewolves.
I think I know someone who would beg to differ. And I think we both know who I'm talking about.
Don't you say, Kate Beckinsale!
But she was in that movie!
You gonna sit here and tell me that the Lyken have not been waging war against the vampires for centuries?
You do know I own the cardboard cut-out?
That means I like this movie.
Good. We've established that. Meeting adjourned.
MMeatwad
So what we do now?
We wait till you lost interest and forget about it.
(24 hours pass. Frylock is asleep with Meatwad on top of him.)
MMeatwad
I ain't lost interest.
You haven't slept either, Meatwad.
MMeatwad
Well, neither has Shake.
(Shake on the phone)
Are you or are you not Kate Beckinsale?! (voice-over phone talks) Well, describe your body. In leather. Well, I heard you had a winner hoe here!
MMeatwad
Ask her if she has a port in her chest to drink fluids.
Do you have a port in your chest to drink fluids?
MMeatwad
Like plasmas and such.
Yeah, like plasmas and such. (Hangs up.) Uh hello? Kate? I lost her. She must have gone through a tunnel. You know, cell reception is not good... in the underworld.
(Meatwad is being questioned by the police about where "his friend" is)
MMeatwad
What friend? I ain't got no friends!
(One of the cops holds a sketch of Frylock up for Meatwad) Oh Frylock. Yeah, he's my friend.
(Meatwad points to mace on the officer's belt)
MMeatwad
Wait, is that deodorant?
Yes, it's deodorant. They get hot and sweaty chasin' robbers.
OOfficer
Yeah! Yeah, it's deodorant. Try some! (Maces Master Shake and Meatwad)
(He and Meatwad have red eyes) Ahh! That is not deodorant! Oh God!
MMeatwad
Needs a little more pepper.
HHitler
(Pulls up with a mask in a balloon car) Ah, what a wonderful day for a balloon. here, let me place my suitcase full of money next to you and purchase one.
They're free of charge sir.
HHitler
These are not happy and floaty like we discussed.
There exactly what you asked for, now if you will excuse us. (Shake and Frylock try to leave).
HHitler
No, I think the product needs to be tested. On your kosher friend! (Pulls out Meatwad with who is dressed like a rabi and is holding a menorah and a box of matzoh).
MMeatwad
They took all my pork and they de-circumcised me and they gave me the cowboy hat! Mazeltoff, I'm dang jewish now.
MMeatwad
[on Carl's used condoms, raked from his lawn] These is what—pudding tubes?
Yeah, that's it. Lap up that free pudding. Bill Cosby left it just for you.
MMeatwad
These look like Vanilla Blast, but they taste like Sizzlin' Salt 'Splosion.
I christen thee Rubberman!
Slap on a little glove, and get ready for some love. Keep the gunk with my junk, when I load it in her very spacious trunk.
MMeatwad
Is he alive? Cause I need someone to take me to the mall.
In a way, he is. He's coated in thousands of microscopic organisms.
MMeatwad
Frylock, I know what sperm and bacteria is. What I'm saying is, will he come to life if I put this magic hat on his head.
Looks like he's already come to life.
MMeatwad
But... I never had the chance to say goodbye."
Alright. Then put it back on.
MMeatwad
Okay. [puts Lance's helmet back on]
LLance
Fools! No one will stop Rubberman! [Frylock incinerates him with a flamethrower] Oh, no! Someone IS stopping Rubberman!
[on Death Island]
I am bored. Let's go back home.
Yeah, I know, because it was cheaper!
The tickets said one-way.
Round-trip was INSANE. You want to pay those prices, be my guest!
Had we rented the boat like I wanted, we could get back in the boat and go home!
Well, we didn't do that, did we? Because someone didn't assert themselves enough. I keep telling you to read my book, Master Your Finances and $hake it Up!
[Shake opens the book]
"Chapter 1: Make Every Problem Your Slave." Seriously, did you even pick it up?
Yeah, we got a garage full of 'em.
Well, that's cause they didn't sell, because YOU shut the website down!
MMeatwad
Hey, y'all, we can take these jetskis over here.
SHUT UP, Meatwad. I'm discussing my book over here!
Alright, Shake. You win. How do you make THIS problem your slave?
Well, I'll tell ya. "Rule 1: Assess the situation." (looks around) We are fucked.
MMeatwad
Y'all see these jetskis?
"Rule 2: Apply blame." You, Frylock. You're the one.
MMeatwad
What about these jetskis?
"Rule 3: Don't let the blame-ee hear about you blaming them." Hey, Meatwad, Frylock really jobbed us on this, didn't he?
MMeatwad
Yeah, you probably shouldn't say that with him...standing right there. You see these jetskis?
"Rule 4: Make a suggestion, but don't own up to it in case it sucks." Hey guys, what if we make a boat out of sand, BUT it's a glass bottom boat? Then we can host tours for this roasted bird and get money to buy a plane ticket outta here from an airport that does not exist.
Yeah, I know. Whose idea was that, Meatwad?
MMeatwad
Two jetskis, right over here.
Which leads me to rule 4. "Take well deserved nap." Good night, good luck, the end.
M2Meatwad #2
No, please. After you.
M2Meatwad #2
I couldn't possibly. after you.
MMeatwad
No, no, no, no, I insist -- after you.
M2Meatwad #2
: No, please. Your hands are full. You go ahead.
MMeatwad
I ain't got hands.
M2Meatwad #2
But I just rather that you go first.
MMeatwad
Why don't you just go ahead anyways?
M2Meatwad #2
No, no, I couldn't.
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! [slams the door and runs away in fear, but the door just opens back up]
[brief pause]
M2Meatwad #2
You lead the way.
MMeatwad
No, you lead the way.
[the Meatwads have gathered in the living room]
They're meeting on how to form their own stupid government!
MMeatwad
The floor recognizes Meatwad!
But here's the fun part: they're still trying to decide on who should bring the juice boxes.
MMeatwad
I'd hate for you to bring that much trouble, 'cause I can bring juice boxes.
SEVENTY FIVE MINUTES...of this.
MMeatwad
Aw, juice boxes are expensive. Let ME bring the juice boxes.
It is so fucking retarded! [Meatwads arguing while Shake is talking] We are not establishing a democracy in this house! THIS is a DICTATORSHIP! And I RULE WITH AN IRON DICK!
MMeatwad
Let's call the matter to a vote. Raise your hand if you would like to bring the juice boxes. [All Meatwads raise their "hands"] Aaaand let's count...no one can count. We're deadlocked again.
OMOther Meatwad
I demand a recount!
MMeatwad
As I said, no one counted right the first time.
MMeatwad
Zero bottles of beer, you can't take one down 'cause there ain't no more bottles of beer on the wall and you got to call Carl and order more bottles of beer for your wall! Dang. that was fun!
M3Meatwad #3
Yeah, that was fun!
M4Meatwad #4
Well, now what do we do?
MMeatwad
I suppose we can sit here and get to know each other... Or we could sing that song one more cotton-pickin' time.
M2Meatwad #2
Yeah, we could!
M5Meatwad #5
Yeah, let's sing it again!
3 Million bottles of beer on the wall, 3 million bottles of beer... [Frylock's limousine takes off] take one down, pass it around... [A gunshot is seen and heard from Frylock's room, implying Shake committed suicide to escape the nightmare of the Meatwads' constant singing] 2,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!
Oh, look, it's your gerbil Starsky. Hey, Starsky.
MMeatwad
Yeah, you want something to eat?
SStarsky
(turned into a demon) GIVE ME A CELERY STICK, YOU SCAB!
(throwing holy water on Starsky, who vomits all over the room) The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
SStarsky
YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!
(as Frylock gives money during an offering in Church) Where'd you get money?
I worked for it. And I'm giving it to the church, because you need to experience how it feels to give, and not just receive, like you usually do!
MMeatwad
But also, how it feels to receive too. 'Cause that's a good feeling too y'all. When Santa Clause comes down from the cross, and give me all that stuff I asked for.
(sighs; as Meatwad called a statue of Jesus Christ's crucifixion Santa) That ain't Santa Clause, okay? How many times do I gotta tell you that?
MMeatwad
Well he got a beard. And that ain't a belly full of jelly. Look like he got an appendectomy scar. Is this the mall? 'Cause I'm sitting here wondering how I gonna sit on his lap when he's hanging from some nails.
(angry) Santa Claus did NOT die for our sins!!
MMeatwad
Santa Claus is dead?! No!!
Yes. He crashed his sleigh, right into a wall...'cause he was drinking a lot...
It was a twisted fiery wreckage...of sleigh, reindeer bones, and the old fat bastard's guts.
(leaving) Excuse me, folks we need to go. (drags Master Shake with him)
And who's drunk enough to get nailed to wood?! I can see maybe one nail! But then you'd think he'd move! But NOOOO. We gotta revere him for his slow reaction time?!
I have a gun and I will shoot your hand clean the hell off. I will do it!
MMeatwad
[carrying hot dogs] Hey y'all.
Do it right now! I'LL GO GET MY GUN!
MMeatwad
You know, they giving out free hot dogs over at that car dealership down the way.
I prefer the meat of the burger!
MMeatwad
...yeah, that meat...ain't looking so good. Seems like the burger has moved some, ain't it?
(crazed) Yeah, the ants are breeding. They want to TAKE IT FROM US.
But that ain't happening on our watch, right man! Gimme five.
Get your fucking hand out of my face.
PROFANITY VIO-! Ohh! Ohhhhhh, profanity violation! Phil! PHIL!
PPhil
Wh-What's up, what's going on?
Phil, he is INDISCRIMINATELY dropping F-bombs on the heads of all these kids around here.
PPhil
Yeah, there's-there's nothing about profanity in the bylaws, so...
Come on, man. Don't you wanna see this end?
PPhil
Look, I get paid by the hour, man.
Phil, come on. Please, I know you.
We've been through a lot together, haven't we- Hey, how is your wife?
Don't listen to him, man!
Didn't she have a baby or something while we were here? What'd you name it, I was wondering.
PPhil
Penelope. I've told you like, five times.
Might be nice to get this over with-
-and spend some time with that cute little...
Girl, great, that's right!
I might be able to give you and her some uh, some sesame seeds off of this bun to play with...
He's trying to trick you, Phil!
...IF we could maybe end this soon?
PPhil
I- He's gotta take his hands off. That's the only way he's gonna be disqualified.
I'm WELL-VERSED in the bylaws, asshole!
MMeatwad
[carrying rubber boots] What you want these for?
Put them on my feet, man.
MMeatwad
All right, these are your feet now? Okay, sure.
[setting himself down] That should ground me. [He shoots eye lasers at an overhead power line. The wire falls to the ground, hot] All right, I'll run a 4,000-volt current through the bun, then when Shake comes back...
UVUnseen voice
Don't electrify the bun!
Who's that? Who said that? Who said that?!
UVUnseen voice
It's me! [The hamburger forms a mouth] The giant hamburger, or at least that's how people see me! Finally tonight, you will win the contest, and you will come with me to Hamburger Planet!
Now where have I heard that voice before? [Flashes back to "Dickesode" and "The Creature from Plaque Lagoon"] Wongburger!
WWongburger
That's right. It is I! [His glasses form] Dr. Wongburger! It took me years of therapy to come to terms with my true identity. My parents couldn't accept it!
"My son isn't a cheeseburger!" they cried.
"Your son IS a cheesburger!" I cried back!
Look, I don't need to know the whole story, okay?
Aqua Teen Hunger Force · 785 quotes
