Scenes with Wakko 105
[to his skeleton valet] Don't wait for me. [walks with cloak wrapped around] Aah. Ignorant little travelers. It's been many years since any have come willingly to me. Who are you?
YWYakko and Wakko
We're the Warner Brothers.
[to Count Dracula, as Wakko takes a pocket watch out of Count Dracula's pocket] Does Batman know you're wearing his cape, so badly?
WakkoI'm Wakko. [kisses Dracula] Did you miss me, huh?
Please. You're washing off my Old spice.
I'm Dot, but you may call me princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca, the third. Tee hee. [Count Dracula sees the blood vessels in her neck. Says Type O, unleaded 87 octane with marks. Dracula looks close, each of his hands connected] I get this from guys all the time. [Count Dracula looks closer at her neck, making it stretch] SNAP OUT OF IT!!!
Ahem. I am Count Dracula.
Didn't you used to teach math on Sesame Street?
Stop your silly chatter and enter! The night is long and I hunger for company. [the Warner Siblings dash off, leaving him on the floor. He growls, and the door slams in his face. Inside the castle, it was creepy; repeatedly bangs on the door outside and offscreen] Let me in, you little weasels!
Wakko
[talking about Dracula] That guy sure dresses funny.
This is Pennsylvania, Wakko. He's probably Amish.
I'll handle him. I saw Witness twice. [He opens the door for Count Dracula. He clears his throat] Greetings, good Amish farmer. How's it going with thee? Is there a place hither where we may sleep yon?
Impudent child! You can't make a fool out of me!
[dresses up Count Dracula in a fool outfit] Well, you can't blame a guy for trying.
[takes off the fool outfit] Puny mortals! Now witness the power of the undead! [turns into a big bat as "Night on Bald Mountain" by Modest Mussorgsky plays in the background]
Wakko
[flying like a bat] Hey, look at me! I'm a bat too!
Wakko
Oh, you're right. But this is! [whacks Count Dracula with a baseball bat with a face and wings on it, sending him falling to the floor in a Batman logo-shaped hole. Count Dracula climbs up out of the Batman logo-shaped hole, seeing bats]
Oh, I'm not well. [falls down from the high ceiling to the floor, creating the Batman logo-shaped hole. Climbs out of the hold in the human form while seeing bats in his dazed head]
Good farmer, mayest we see-eth our rooms now?
[in a dazed voice] Why, certainly. Walketh this way. [walks clumsily. The Warner Siblings imitate him]
[Count Dracula is about to bite Dot's neck]
Hey, whatcha doing, mister? You gonna suck her blood? Empty her tank? Turn her into one of your legion of zombie vampires who only live to do your evil bidding? Or are you gonna make out and play kissy face and hope your dad doesn't butt in and ground you? Huh? How about it, mister? [speeds off]
[Count Dracula tries again, but Dot wakes up and punches him in the jaw, then brushes his teeth. Count Dracula tries again, but Wakko, dressed as a doctor, takes his teeth out]
[wearing Count Dracula's teeth] Yoo-hoo! What do you think? Do they make me look like Sheena Easton?
[puts teeth back on] Foolish little whelp!!! NOW YOU WILL LEARN THE MEANING OF ETERNAL SLUMBER!!!
Slumber?! As in slumber party?! Let's! [the Warner Siblings dress Count Dracula up into pink clothing. He gasps] Know any dreamy guys?
Wakko
Oh, please, please!
[Wakko dusts Count Dracula's face, Yakko puts on eyelid coloring and eyebrows,and Dot puts on makeup, and a bowtie. Wakko shows Count Dracula a mirror]
[screams like Homer Simpson] Get away from me, you little monsters!
Wait! We were just about to order pizza and tell ghost stories!
[opening his coffin] Peace, at last. [screams]
[coughing] Hast thou any coffin drops? [Count Dracula groans, grunts, throws The Warner Siblings away, then goes into his coffin. Yakko tries opening the lid] Hey, he's locked in.
[Inside his coffin, Count Dracula sighs, until Wakko gets a chainsaw and cuts the coffin in half]
Hangeth on, kind farmer! We shall saveth thee!
Wakko
[opens the halves to reveal Count Dracula cut in half] Oops. [giggles, then puts the two halves together again]
[roars, growling, cornering the Warner Siblings] Your lives here have ended!
True, mister Amish man, for we must check out. 'Tis morning! [opens the window to reveal a bright sunshine]
[whimpers] And me without my sun block! [trips back into his coffin]
[Yakko plays "Reveille" on a trumpet]
Wakey wakey! Rise and shine! [puts an alarm clock in Count Dracula's head] We'd like waffles and a big cheese wheel for breakfast.
[Wakko crows like a rooster. Count Dracula roars and debris flies. The Warner Siblings flee as the mansion collapses]
Boy. Who knew the Amish could have such explosive tempers?
[finally notices the Transylvania sign] You know, Yakko, maybe this isn't Pencil-vania after all.
[Wakko eats a rock]
You're right, Dot. We never should have taken that left turn at Kennebunkport. Come on!
[The Warner Siblings tunnel underground]]
[after Pip suddenly leaves] It's too quiet!
Wakko
I miss him!
Pip! Wait! [chasing after him] Pip! Come back! Tell us another story!
Please, tell us more about bologna!
Wakko
Did you ever meet Don Knotts?!
It's time to tour the planets that make up our solar system. C'mon! [singing]
The closest to the sun is the planet Mercury,
Next the shrouded planet Venus Is as cloudy as can be.
The Earth is next; we call it home let's hope it stays that way,
And then there's Mars; it's really red What more can I say?
The gassy planet Jupiter's as big as planets come,
Then there's Saturn with its mighty rings made up of tiny crumbs.
We travel on to Neptune, that's a gassy, freezing ball,
And cold and tiny Pluto is the furthest one of all.
[spoken] Well, there you go. That's our solar system.
Wakko
[appears] You forgot Uranus.
YWYakko and Wakko
Hi. We're the Warner Brothers.
And we'd like to invite you and all the members of your household-
to gather around the TV set and join us now-
for a very special episode of Animaniacs.
And what's so special about it?
Wakko
I'm not wearing any pants! [covers his other parts of the body with his sweater]
[Outside the Warner Bros. studio, the camera closes in on a building labeled "ANIMANIACS TEST KITCHEN" Explosion goes off inside. We look inside the building and we see the Warner siblings in the kitchen]
Welcome to the Animaniacs Test Kitchen. We're cooking up something really different for today's show. All we need are our ingredients. [singing]
A dash of Pinky and the Brain,
A cup of Slappy Squirrel,
A tablespoon of Goodfeathers,
Add Rita, Runt, then swirl.
We add a pinch of Hippoes,
Buttons and Mindy too.
Now top it off with Skippy Squirrel,
What's that make?
Wakko
[spoken] What did we come up with?
[The camera zooms into the pot]
[First lines; at the Boot Camp]
SSergeant
[chanting] Left, left, left, right, left. Recruits smell and that's no lie. Hate your guts gonna make you cry. Call me smart call me inspired. You're gonna march till I get tired. [spoken]I love my job.
SSoldier
[arrives in the car] Hey, sarge. The new recruits are here.
SSergeant
[grins deviously] Fresh meat. [chuckles; climbs aboard the jeeps and drives back to the camp with the soldier]
[The bus arrives, letting new recruits out. The Warner Siblings come out too]
Excuse us. pardon us. Coming through. Ah, summer camp at last! Eight weeks of fun, fun, fun!
[dressed in duck floater] Swimming and canoe racing!
Wakko
Mosquitoes and bear attacks!
And not just any old camp, [gets the binoculars] boot camp!
Like Imelda Marcos, I've always adored boots. [the sergeant arrives] Hello, nurse! Hi, Mr. Camp Counselor. I'd like size three EEE boots with fringe and little pink bows on the toes, please. [wiggling her toes in the sergeant's face]
SSergeant
Get back in line, soldier!
[sniffs] Ew, who's P-yew?
[The sergeant giggles sheepishly]
Psst. Down here. Say, is there a girls' camp across the lake? You know. "Hello, nurse".
SSergeant
Fall in! [the Warners literally fall to the ground] Get up! [the Warners stand up] Now, fall in! [repeat] Get up and fall in!
[The Warners stand up and fall to the ground at the same time]
Is this part of our camp initiation? Frankly, we'd prefer the spanking machine.
SSergeant
Get up and get in line!
Well why didn't you say that in the first place?
[The Warners stand straight in line]
SSergeant
Who do you think you are?
We think, therefore we are the Warner brothers.
Wakko
[shakes hands with the sergeant] Glad to make my acquaintance.
[The sergeant's watch falls into Wakko's wrist]
SSergeant
[grunts] Give me that back, you little Gila monster! [takes watch]
All of it, Wakko. [Wakko gives back wallet, id cards, pen, teddy bear underwear, pink shirt, causes the sergeant to become embarrassed with a nervous smile] Excuse me, Mr. Camp Counselor, but, uh, when do we get to sing "Kumbaya"?
SSergeant
I am not a camp counselor! I am your drill instructor! This is the army, soldier!
Well, it's been fun. Gotta go.
Wakko
Buh-bye.
[The Warners run off]
SSergeant
Get back here! [grabs them and puts them back in line] From now on, this Army will be your home. I will be your mother, father, aunt and uncle.
A family! [kiss the sergeant] Mwah!
SSergeant
Stop that, you - you - you - What are you, anyway?!
[The sergeant looks at the camera]
[All the recruits' hairs are being shaved. One man's hair is shaved, and resembles Private Snafu as "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background]
SShaver
[to Wakko] Oh, take off your hat. [Wakko does so] Oh, that one too. [again] Uh, that one too. Ooh. Hm. [all the hats land on him, growls]
Wakko
[wearing the clown's hair hat] Hat's all, folks!
SShaver
Behave yourself or I'll get real mad. Oh, yes I will, real mad. [shaves off stripe, Wakko paints it on again. This continues until Wakko shaves off a part of the shaver's head. The shaver paints a part of hair, then Wakko paints the moustache. Then shaver shaves off the top part of the hair. Then Wakko gives the shaver a coin and runs off] And I thought Opie was naughty.
[All the recruits, including the Warners, hold sheets and army uniforms]
Wakko
I don't want to be in the Army, Yakko. What are we gonna do?!
Uhh...I'm leaning heavily toward fleeing.
[They walk outside]
SSergeant
To the left, right, left. Your left. To the left. To the left, right, left. I don't know but I've been told. Army life is mighty bold. Every night before retreat-
We order out for luncheon meat.
SSergeant
[kicks the Warners] Platoon, get back to the barracks! [the soldiers leave] As for you three, I've had it!
Good. Does that mean we can leave?
SSergeant
[snarky] No, Private Cute Boots. From now on, I'm training you to become agents of total destruction.
But we don't want to be mailmen. We'd rather work for a living.
[The Warners hold shovels. Dot spray paints boots pink]
SSergeant
Detail, halt. [they did so] A foxhole is a soldier's best friend.
Must be hard to go to the movies together.
SSergeant
Dig! [the Warners dig down, a fox comes out] Huh?
We'd move if we were you.
[The sergeant startles and falls into the hole, screaming]
Wakko
Did we dig it deep enough?!
[The sergeant lands with a thud offscreen]
[During the grenade-throwing training]
SSergeant
This is the grenade range. You will learn all about the standard M26-A1-F472918-A fragmentation device. Just pull the pin and throw. [Wakko pulls pin and throws it away; freaking out] Throw the grenade!
SSergeant
I meant pull the pin and throw the grenade!
Wakko
I'm all confused. [gives the grenade to the sergeant] You do it. [walks off with his siblings]
[The sergeant fumbles with grenade, which explodes]
[Inside the plane]
SSergeant
Normally, parachuting is reserved for well-trained, elite troops. But in your case, I'm gonna make an exception. [chuckles; grabs the Warners and jump from the plane] Geronimo!
By the way, we took your dirty sheets to the laundry.
SSergeant
What dirty sheets?
The ones you stuffed in your knapsack.
SSergeant
Huh? [pulls the string, and the bag opens to reveal the dirty sheets] Aaah! Ohhh! [falls down]
[The sergeant crashes to the ground]
Wakko
[in glorious 60fps] Don't worry, kids. It's almost over.
[The Warners land safely to the ground]
SSergeant
[dressed in a casual camping outfit] Come on, guys. Let's go camping. Build a campfire, make s'mores, sing songs. Come on.
SWSergeant and the Warners
[singing]
Do your ears hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em over your shoulder
Like a continental soldier?
Do your ears hang low?
[Iris out, but Dot pushes it away]
[spoken; last lines] Camp is okay, but these pink boots are killing me. [lets go of the iris as the cartoon ends]
[The scene takes place at the graveyard in Hamlet. Yakko plays Hamlet and Wakko plays Horatio, while Dot translates the Shakespearian language]
And now, the Warner Brothers in a scene from Shakespeare's "Hamlet", translated for those viewers who, like Yakko, have no idea what he's talking about.
[Yakko gives a stern look, and Dot, the translator, giggles. Wakko has dug up Skullhead. Yakko sees this, rushes back and snatches him from Wakko, then returns to his previous position]
Whoa, check out Skullhead!
[while Wakko digs up an odd lamp and tosses away] I knew him, Horatio - a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.
[while Wakko digs up a mummy who runs away] He hath bore me on his back a thousand times.
He gave me piggy-back rides.
And now, how abhorred in my imagination it is. My gorge rises at it.
I'm going to blow chunks. Bleugh!
[Wakko pulls a squid out of the grave and tosses it aside]
[kisses Skullhead while Dot looks away, embarrassed, as Wakko tosses a kitchen sink] Here hung those lips I have kissed I know not how oft.
[Wakko pulls a pink 1959 Cadillac DeVille convertible out of the grave, then pushes it away]
Where be your jibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar?
[while Wakko pulls up a large rocket] How come you're not funny now?
[Wakko must stop to rest before he's through]
Not one now to mock your own grinning... [Skullhead's jaw falls to the ground as the rocket launches] ...quite chop-fallen?
No one's laughing now, and, by the way, your lower jaw's missing. [picks up the jaw from her interpreter's circle and hands it to Yakko]
[Wakko uses his shovel once more and lifts Cher out of the grave. She screams, bonks him on the head, and runs off]
[watches Cher run towards the hills] Now get you to my lady's chamber and tell her. Let her paint an inch thick. To this favour she must come. Make her laugh at that. [tosses Skullhead toward the hills]
[Skullhead runs after Cher]
Follow that woman and tell her, no matter how much makeup she wears, [Skullhead grabs Cher from behind] she's still going to croak and end up looking just like you, [Cher punches Skullhead] and see if she laughs.
[Wakko motions for Yakko to come to the grave]
Prithee, Horatio, tell me one thing:
[jumps out of her circle and joins them] What'd you find in the hole?
Wakko
Our next cartoon!
[Last lines; we see the Warner Bros. Water Tower]
[offscreen] Night, Wakko.
Wakko
[offscreen] Good night, Dot.
[offscreen] Good night, Yakko.
[offscreen] Hey, I wonder what happened to Cappy.
[Back at the studio, Cappy's snoring. Yakko's model's head falls off]
[wakes up] Pies! We made pies. [snoring]
Animaniacs · 261 quotes
