[aside Finn and Jake, Bubblegum meets with Goliad in the castle gardens]
BubblegumHello, Goliad!
Bubblegum
I hear you learned a lot today.
GGoliad
Yes. I lead the children.
Bubblegum
But Finn said you used yelling and mind control.
GGoliad
Yes. It was good.
Bubblegum
Goliad, let me tell you something about leadership. You see this fat bee? She gets pollen from this flower, but she's gentle and makes the flower happy and pollenated. They both get what they need, and that's how a leader should be.
GGoliad
No, Princess. Bee cares not for flower. If getting pollen hurt or kill flower, bee would not care. [crushes, twists bee] Bee is stronger than flower. [uses third eye to resurrect it] Goliad is stronger than bee. [influences bee at Finn and Jake] Goliad is stronger than all.
Bubblegum
Okay, okay... How about I give you a big cowboy hat... then will you let the hostages go?
[...]
CCookie
No!! No! Don't play games with me, Princess! I want that crown! No crown, no hostages!
Bubblegum
Well, obviously, that's going to be a problem, because I'M the princess and I need my crown. So...
CCookie
No, Princess! You are problem, the problem princess! ...Just gimme that crown!
Bubblegum
Finn!
Bubblegum
Whatcha doin'?
Oh, uh— hi, Princess! I'm, uh, writing something for Jake.
Bubblegum
Oh, well, speaking of Jake, did he explain everything to you?
Bubblegum
And you understand?
[turns away] Yeah, I understand.
Bubblegum
Finn, sometimes you want someone and you [puts hand on Finn's left knee] want to kiss them, and be with them. But you can't, because responsibility demands sacrifice.
[incredulous] What are you trying to say?!
Bubblegum
I'm trying to say that you're a hero, Finn. You're my hero. So, I'm glad you understand why you can't be with Flame Princess. [Finn stands up, enraged]
Bubblegum, I can't do this anymore!!
Bubblegum
What?
Bubblegum
Finn, what are you talking about?
What am I talking about?! [grunts] PB, I was... geh...eh... I was in love with you! Okay?! And you didn't love me back! Now I'm ready to move on, and it's like... [grunts] you're gonna build me up all over again! Well, I'm done! I'm done.
Bubblegum
Finn? Jake, where's Finn? Is he with Flame Princess?
(Jake slams his pan on the stove)
Back off, Bubblegum! That's his man's biz!
Bubblegum
(shows Jake the poem) Is he with her OR NOT?!
You heartless monster! Do you have any idea how much he's CRIED over you?! Finn deserves to be happy, even if his bloopin' FACE gets burned off!! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!!!
(Jake throws an empty box at Bubblegum)
Bubblegum
What?! This isn't about some petty love triangle! Flame Princess is PHYSICALLY UNSTABLE!! Her elemental matrix can't handle extreme romance! Grob, if Finn tries to kiss her, she'll burn so hot, she'll melt RIGHT through the planet's crust, down to the molten core! Then, she'll be thrown back and forth by gravity until she burns out the world from the inside!! Why do you think I had her father keep her locked up!?
(Jake gasps in shock)
Bubblegum
Will you take me to them?!?
Gyaenedeul chaj-ass-eoyo? ("Did you find them?") [PB checks device]
Bubblegum
My GPS shows Finn and Jake over there. I think that's where the Ice King has them hostage.
Gyaenedeul anjeonhalkkayo? ("Will they be okay?")
Bubblegum
I'm sure the boys are fine. The Ice King isn't usually a serious threat. [digs duffle bag] Besides, this'll be easy with the two of us. [holds up robotic kettle and cup] We've got science on our side.
KKettle
Your tea is ready. [PB pours] Pouring. Pouring.
Jeikeuga siljongdoegi jeon-e naega wolnamgugsu myeon-i jilgidago malhaess-eoyo. A, naega wae geuleon mal-eul haess-eulkka... Museun nappeun il-i saeng-gyeoss-eumyeon eotteoghae?! Gyaega mandeun gugsu mas-eobsdago han ge uliui majimag daehwayeoss-eoyo. ("I told Jake that his Vietnamese noodles were too tough before he went missing. Why did I say such a thing?! What if something bad happens to him?! The last conversation we had was that his noodles were tough...")
Bubblegum
It's okay, Lady. Jake knows you love him.
Mianhaeyo. Naega gugsuleul neomu manh-i meog-eossna bwayo. ("Sorry. I guess I've eaten too many noodles.")
Bubblegum
Don't worry. Just try to relax. [Lady lowers herself; PB checks watch] I'll work on my holo-entry. [projects holo-entry] It's been three weeks since Finn and Jake disappeared while battling the Ice King. I've activated a secret GPS implanted in Finn's ear. It has lead us to an uncharted black ice cave... but I've spent hours calculating every possible danger and am well-prepared.
Geunom-i kal-eul deulgo deombimyeon eotteoghaeyo?! ("What if he attacks you with a knife?!")
Bubblegum
Then I'll pull out my electrode gun.
Geunom-i gongjunim-eul haechilyeogo hamyeon-yo?! ("What if he tries to hurt you?!")
Bubblegum
Then I'll use my ball-blam-burgler-ber! Lady, it'll be fine. We've got science!
A... maj-ayo, naega jom geogjeong-i simhan pyeon-ijyo. Jeon ban sal-eun sichedeul-i uli jib-eul gong-gyeoghaneun agmong-e sidallyeoyo. Uli samchon, oesugmo, sachondeul-i da jib-e iss-eoss-eoyo. Agiga wicheung-eseo uneun solikkaji saengsaenghi deullindanikkayo. naega uli gajogdeul-eul jikil suman issdamyeon — geu kkum kkuneun dong-an eolmana seuteuleseu bad-eumyeon ippalkkaji mujihage gal-ayo. ("You're right. I worry too much sometimes. I always get haunted by this nightmare where zombies attack my house! My uncle, aunt-in-law, and cousins are all present in my house. I even hear the baby crying coming from the upstairs. If I could just protect my dear family. [PB becomes shocked] I become too stressful during that dream. I even grind my own teeth!")
[Lady grinds her teeth; PB gasps]
Da-eumnal il-eonamyeon ippaldeul-i geum gaiss-eoyo. Botong jeon geunyang geuleon geos kkum-ilani, naega geogjeong-eul saseo haji hamyeo ij-eobeolilyeogo haeyo. Jega geu ban sal-eun sichedeul-ege jeongmal du beon-ina gong-gyeogdanghaess-eossjanh-ayo. ("When I wake up in the morning, all my teeth are cracked up! I usually try to forget about it, thinking that it's just a dream or I'm being paranoid, but I was actually attacked by zombies before, twice.")
Bubblegum
Hmm, I suppose that's true. [pours tea into snow] Let's roll.
Ahem! Anyone having any... [robotic voice] computer problems? [a laugh track plays out and stops in recorder he is holding]
How do we stop the computer worm, you pile of goo?!
[cackling] My worm exists beyond your comprehension within the universal source code!
STOP TALKING LIKE A NERD AND GIVE IT TO US STRAIGHT!!!
Once the glitch does its work, the whole world will be deleted except for me and my Bubblygums. [he moves to smooch Bubblegum; she keeps him away with a tree branch which she throws at his face] Ow!! [stammers] Well, see y'all! I'm gonna prepare for my... date. [teleports away. A glitched donut person runs out screaming]
DPDonut Person
Aaah!! My beautiful face! My hopes and dreams ruined! [screams distortedly, runs away]
Don't worry, Princess, we'll take care of this thing.
Bubblegum
Oh, me too. [loads her candy tranquilizer gun] I'm gonna take care of it, too.
(At Ice King's castle, Bubblegum, consumed by anger, begins smashing his computer with a bat.)
Princess Bubblegum
STUPID...COMPUTER! (grunts) YOU... SASSAFRASSIN'...HAMMASLAMMIN'...WHAMMAJAMMIN' (delivers a battle cry as she bodyslams the destroyed computer.)
[Peppermint Butler and Braco proceed into her lab, where Bubblegum is seen sleeping with a pizza box on her head]
Bubblegum
[wakes up] Hey, what? [takes pizza slice off her face] Pff... who's that?
BBraco
Son of Logan, who was begat by Hobus.
Bubblegum
[writing notes down] Okay... yeah?
BBraco
I want to take you... on a date. [PB pauses for a beat]
Bubblegum
Thank you, Braco. That's very sweet, but no.
Princess, this lab reeks like brown mist! It's unhealthy. You've got to get outside and do some research on boys!
Bubblegum
That is way out of line, Peps, and you guys are donking up my research! [starts thrashing stuff off her desk] Hello!! Donk!! Donk!!
BBraco
Princess, I love you! I-I love you so much it hurts! The pain, it— Uhh... [PB walks to him and uses a laser pointer on his right eye]
Bubblegum
Hmm. What you're feeling is called infatuation. The pain is the product of you overvaluing a projected, imaginary relationship with me.
BBraco
No, Princess! What I feel is real! Meet me in the garden tonight and unlock the mystery [runs to the balcony and jumps down] of me-e-e-e-e!!
Bubblegum
Braco!
BBraco
[lying on top of Mr. Cupcake] Come to me tonight!
Bubblegum
[beat] Okay, Braco. But just for research, all right?
Good job, man! You take it from here!
Thanks for bringing us along on the trip, Peebs.
Yeah. It's unfortunate we can't enjoy some of these cool things we're passing by, but I guess we could do that the next time we're in the Desert of Wonders, whenever that is!
Bubblegum
We're on a mission to collect samples only. I want to start colonizing this area by the end of the year.
Bubblegum
Those goo monsters will barf their way through the hull in mere minutes. Finn, what should we do?
Uh... let's radio for help.
Bubblegum
Good idea, but looks like the radio's kaplowed.
JJames
[whirs] I can fix that radio. Mrow-row-row! Pling! [pulls out a coin] With this! It's a lucky coin! Bam! [places coin on radio] When I bust out my coin, great stuff happens, like when I was chosen to go on this mission with you guys! Hee-hee-hee-hee! [Jake grumbles uncomfortably, enlarges his head and shouts]
JAMES, THAT'S NOT HELPING!!!
Bubblegum
Yes. James is very resourceful. He'll work it out.
[James keeps making mechanical noises fiddling the radio with his coin; he turns a screw with the coin]
JJames
Look, Princess! I invented a coin-operated coin screwdrive-e-er!
Bubblegum
See what I mean? [gives thumbs up] Good job, James. Come on, guys. Let's take inventory of the emergency gear. [James opens radio]
JJames
Lucky coin strikes again!
[meets Jake in the back room with Bubblegum] You want to do this trust-huddle style, buddy?
Mm. [the three form a huddle]
Bubblegum
So, what's all the hubbub?
What's up with that James dude?
Yeah. Do you think James could be breaking things on purpose?
Bubblegum
No. James wouldn't do that.
Wake up! Dude's a saboteur.
Bubblegum
It's not James.
JJames
[in the huddle] What's not James? [beat] I got lonely up front. I wanted to see what y'all are up to.
Hey, that gives me an idea.
JJames
Me too! Vrrt! [laughs] Just kidding! I don't have any ideas.
[Lumpy Space Princess eavesdrops under Jake's chair seeing Bubblegum's time bubble, throws Jake up high flying across the room]
Take me back to when my ex-boyfriend Brad loved me!! [gets in time bubble]
Bubblegum
LSP.
Bubblegum
LSP, that's not how it works. It can only rearrange your molecules into a previously logged formation, and you need these gloves.
[hushed] ..Give them to me.
Bubblegum
No.
You witch! Give them to me now!! [pounds table]
Bubblegum
No, I'm sorry, but you need to pull yourself toge— [LSP jumps on her to the floor]
You skunk! [starts ripping off PB's hair] You skunk, you skunk!! You pretty skunk!! You don't know heartache, with the whole Candy Kingdom in love with your pretty Bubblegum buns!! [Bubblegum hits LSP with her tiara, knocks into a bookshelf] Glob! [pants as peeved Bubblegum stands up with Jake watching]
Bubblegum
Hear me, Lumpy Space Princess. I will avoid declaring war on the entirety of Lumpy Space, ruled by your parents, if you apologize to me immediately! [LSP gets up]
I'm sorry-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y... [floats toward the door] I'm sorry you're so [quietly] stupid. [slams door]
JPJake/Punchbowl
Whoa!! [both laughing]
Bubblegum
Sheesh!
BGBanana Guard 1
Hey guys, it's the picture of one of the perpetrators. Take a good look.
ABAll Banana Guards
Oooooohh.
Bubblegum
There's 25 of them.
BGBanana Guard 1
[beat] I need to see the other 24 pictures.
Bubblegum
Nope, you only need that one.
BGBanana Guard 1
..What?! How can one picture identify 25 perpetrators?
Bubblegum
It's because they all look the same. [BG1 stares picture for a beat]
BGBanana Guard 1
...Oh okay, I see. [turns to all BGs] There's 25 of 'em! They all look like this guy!
BGBanana Guard 2
Uh, how can 25 guys look like one guy? You mean they're vigintiquintuplets?
BGBanana Guard 1
[faces PB] You mean they're vigintiquintuplets?
Bubblegum
No, they're clones.
BGBanana Guard 1
What are clones?
Bubblegum
[sigh] A group of organisms or cells produced asexually from one ancestor or stock to which they are genetically identical.
BGBanana Guard 1
How did that happen?
Bubblegum
It's a long story.
BGBanana Guard 1
I love long stories.
Bubblegum
GAHH!! There's no time!
BGBanana Guard 1
And they're not brothers?
Bubblegum
No — they're not brothers, they're clones! [both Finn and Jake laughing on giant walls, which PB hears] HEY!!! Get down here and help me!!
[Finn and Jake wave their hands to tell PB to come up]
Bubblegum
Hahh... Vigintiquintuplets, I'm telling you....
[walks Finn to the couch] You just went through some outrageous beeswax from losing your favorite arm and et cetera. You can't just expect to bounce right back to normal.
Nah, man. Listen. [grabs two fake arms] All these princesses donating all these gross fake arms—they mean well, [throws both fake arms in the air] but they're throwing you off your game! You got to go at your own pace. If you listen [opens fold of skin in his forehead] deep in your melon heart... [a heart shape starts beating] That's where the real instructions are. [Finn starts thinking for a beat]
..My melon wants to punch my dad in the face and steal his arm.
[chuckles] Well, those things are bad, [grabs tote bag from table] so they can't be the real instructions, but you keep listening. Me? I'm going to go to the spaghetti store and buy a new mop head. I'll be back soon. Just remember—listen to your melon heart.
Hey, man, you're back! How do you feel?
Eh, neutral, I guess. I don't want to punch my dad anymore.
That's great, dude! You can always trust the ol' melon heart to get you through! Looks like we won't be needing this thing anymore. Wanna do the honors?
[beat]
(Finn removes the wood plank holding the tower, but when it topples, its massive height causes it to crash through the Candy Kingdom and beyond. Finn and Jake stare in guilt.)
Princess Bubblegum
AAAAAH!!! MY ARM!!!
FBFinn & Bubblegum
How natural, no waste, it is an endless chain
What an amazing, wonderful and excellent
How harsh, not careless, it's an endless chain
What an amazing, wonderful and excellent food...
Food chaaain!
[Bubblegum forces open the cabin door, the cabin breaks with a flock of bats flying out of the fridge]
Bubblegum
Ho, no, no, no, no! It's okay, everyone. It's okay. Close your eyes and repeat your safety mantra. Hoodie hoodie hoodup, hoodie hoodie hoodup, hoodie—
PBPeppermint Bulter
Princess?
Bubblegum
Huh? Oh... Sorry, Peps. I'm just so used to having my citizens around to protect. This is gonna take some getting used to.
PBPeppermint Bulter
Permission to speak freely, ma'am?
Bubblegum
Granted.
PBPeppermint Bulter
This horrible dump does not meet the level of fancy to which I have become accustomed!
Bubblegum
Noted. Also, FYI, my Uncle Gumbald built this cabin with his bare hands. I spent my summers here when I was younger. Anyway, it'll probably take a really long time for the Candy People to realize a bad ruler is worse than a good ruler. Plenty of time to spruce this place up.
Adventure Time · 447 quotes
