Liz Lemon quotes from 30 Rock

Dennis

[Liz answers her door] Hello, dummy.

Liz

No! Nope, not interested. Have a good life.

Dennis

This is important, it's about my mom. [Liz reluctantly lets him in] That was a lie, but listen, Elizabeth. I recently discovered that I'm a sex addict.

Liz

No, you're not.

Dennis

Yeah I am, and I'd be an even worse sex addict if I wasn't consumed by my latest business venture.

Liz

I don't want to hear about your job, Dennis.

Dennis

One word: coffee. One problem: where do you get it?

Liz

Anywhere! You get it anywhere!

Dennis

Wrong! You get it at my coffee vending machine. 38th & 6th in the basement of the K-Mart. You just go downstairs, you get the key from David and BOOM! You plug in the machine and...

Liz

You're done.

Jack

What happens to us?

Liz

We grow up.

Jack

I had a good life, but I'll never be that happy again. I want THAT back.

Tracy

What is this, Horseville? Because I'm surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!

Liz

That is solid.

Liz

[Singing while eating cheese] Working on my night cheese. [knock at the door] Uhh, Jack! Do you know what time it is? I was sound asleep.

Jack

I heard you singing "Night Cheese". Lemon, I've had a crazy night. We all could learn a lot from Tracy Jordan. We went out clubbing; his life is like Enron 1999. It's wild.

Elisa

[sneaks in] I'm sure it was!

Liz

How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud?!

Elisa

I have a terrible secret. Please don't ask me what it is.

Liz

I don't want to know what it is! [Pause] Are you a man?

Elisa

Really, Lemon? You want to see me naked?

Liz

Kind of.

Frank

We figured Lutz is never going to get married, but he wants a bachelor party, so we're taking him to a strip club. You wanna come?

Tracy

Come on, Liz Lemon, you don't want to be treated any differently, do you?

Liz

Sure, I'll go.

Tracy

All right!

Liz

But you won't.

Tracy

[gasp] Twist!

Liz

Maybe Donald is Tracy's son, because maybe Tracy is sixty.

Pete

No, that's ridiculous.

Liz

Think about it: he can't rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead--

Pete

He falls asleep in chairs, he doesn't know how to use a computer, he's always mad at the TV--

His favorite show is NCIS.

Liz

He might be seventy!

Liz

Where are you gonna get a kidney from?

Jack

I don't know, but I have the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal. The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama, and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina. I'm going to use that to find my Dad a kidney.

Jenna

What is this?

Liz

Alright, Cheesy Blasters! [sings] You take a hotdog, stuff it with some jack cheese, fold it in a pizza - You got Cheesy Blasters! [spoken] And then all the kids say "Thanks, Meat Cat!" and Meat Cat flies away on his, um, skate board.

Jack

The television audience doesn't want your elitist, east coast, alternative, intellectual, left wing...

Liz

Just say Jewish Jack, this is taking forever.

Liz

Do I look okay?

That's exactly how you look.

Liz

Really - you want to exchange creative gifts? Oh, well, you are the one that's in trouble now, buddy, because creativity to me is just like... like a... bird, like a friendly bird, that embraces all... ideas, and just like, shoots... out of its eyes, all kinds of beauty.

Jack

Wow, Lemon, this is like watching Hemingway write. Mark Hemingway.

Liz

No, Jack. You were just talking about how you miss office hookups. That is a double standard.

Jack

Calm down.

Liz

I won't calm down. Women are allowed to get angrier than men about double standards.

Liz

So what's going on with you and Nancy, anyway?

Jack

We're just friends. It's platonic. I have elaborate fantasies of her husband dying in a boat explosion.

Liz

If I die, my ghost is gonna haunt you!

Frank

Then your ghost is going to see some disgusting stuff.