Liz Lemon quotes from 30 Rock

Liz

It was the cheese curls.

Jack

Pardon?

Liz

Causing the false positives on my home pregnancy tests. Apparently, Sabor de Soledad gets its special tangy flavor from evaporated bull semen.

Jack

That explains your hair's thickness and shine.

Liz

Apparently, in Mexico women use it to stop their periods before Cinco de Mayo.

Jack

I'm a little afraid to ask if you're still eating them.

Liz

(dejectedly) They're so good.

Liz

I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider them erotica.

Jack

That man can wear a sweater.

What was your reason for wanting to adopt?

Liz

Thank you, for that question, Bev. The world is a troubled place, and so many children in need of adoption worldwide...

Infertility? or Other.

Liz

Other.

Liz

No, listen to me. She's not fun, she's just crazy. Like, grab-a-cop's-gun crazy.

Jack

Lemon, having known Claire for a very enjoyable 20 minutes and you for what feels like infinity, I'm going to go with Claire on this one.

Liz

What is wrong with you men? You're like junkies...why can't you just say no?

Jack

Lemon, let me explain something to you that you could have no way of knowing: emotionally unstable women are fantastic in the sack and their self-loathing translates into... never mind.

Liz

You're breaking union rules. Our insurance doesn't cover any of this. And you're potentially infringing on Warner Brothers intellectual property. Shut this down!

Tracy

I want a different answer. Where's Jack Donaghy?

Liz

No there's no more Jack. He's dead to us. Break this down! Everybody out!

Liz

[after seeing "Tracy" sitting in the middle of the hallway] Tracy, get out of the hallway.

Tracy

[jumps out from around the corner] OR AM I?

Liz

Oh God, this dream again.

Tracy

That's not me. That's a Tracy Jordan Japanese Sex Doll. You can tell us apart because it's not suffering from a vitamin deficiency.

Kenneth

Oh, Miss Lemon. You have several messages. Aw, let's see, that company running the bike tour in South Carolina says no singles. Uh, your credit card called; they want to make sure you're the one buying cream soda in bulk.

Liz

I sure am.

Kenneth

And your landlord called and he says it's not the toilet, it's you.

Liz

That's his opinion.

Liz

We need to get these guys! Don't you know the Postmaster General?

Jack

I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'd return Joan Baez's phone calls.

Tracy

In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo--

Liz

Kwanzaa.

Tracy

And shalamzazam to you too, my sister.

Liz

That's what I could do to Drew.

Jenna

Drug him? Liz, no. Having been on both sides of that, I could tell you it's not a good idea.

Liz

No, I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome to the building party for him but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say "oh it's the wrong night" and then he'll laugh and say one glass couldn't hurt and then I will put my mouth on his mouth!

Liz

You ready for Larry King Live tonight?

Tracy

You know it. I cursed for 3 hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch.

Jack

Lemon - there was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape, or sasquatch, and, despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became his friend. When the time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged, and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle, George Henderson summoned the strength and by God he did it! Did it hurt? You bet it hurt. Like a bastard. But he did it because it was the right thing to do. For the woodland ape. You think about that.

Liz

What?! ...Is that Harry and the Hendersons?

Jack

You've seen it?

Liz

This is my life, Jack!

Jack

The bubble isn't always a bad thing. Look at me. I turned out okay.

Liz

Jack, I want you to pay close attention to the following over-the-top eye roll. [rolls eyes] Oh, brother.

Jack

Lemon, I don't share this often, but this is a photo of me when I was 25 years old.

Liz

What the what?! You have a Superman chest!

Jack

I know.

Liz

Oh my God, the lady will have two tickets to the gun show! Your eyes are so much bluer... what happened to your eyes?

Jack

My point is, Lemon, the bubble doesn't last forever, so get in there with Drew and enjoy those perks while you can.

Liz

Can I keep that?

Jack

No. It's my only copy.

Jack

You wake a sleepwalker, you risk getting urinated on.

Liz

Or thanked! ...on.