Jack Donaghy quotes from 30 Rock

Jack

Lemon, I want you to get better because, and I mean this, I'm tired of talking this much to a woman I'm not having sex with.

Jack

I believe that when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest, or your tailor, or the mute elevator porter at your men's club, and you take that problem and crush it with your mind vise. But for lesser beings like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help.

Jack

Michael Kors is a friend --- we own a gay racehorse together --- and I convinced him to make wizard cloaks fashionable this winter.

Jack

New York gives us a tax break for employing sex offenders. It's a terrible program.

Jack

They'll say "Jack Donaghy was the greatest oceanographer who ever lived. And we walruses owe Him everything for giving us the gift of language."

Jack

I only pass gas once a year, for an hour, atop a mountain in Switzerland.

Jack

There is nothing gay about the Princeton fight song. "Oh, the men of Princeton are charging up the rear, holding all the balls..." Okay, I hear it now.

Jack

Congratulations. According to the transitive property, you just defeated Muammar Qaddafi in arm wrestling.

Jack

When she's ready, Dr. Kevorkian says we have to put her down. He's a very good paediatrician but that is an unfortunate name.

Jack

This thing's a real cash cow - unlike Cash Cow, the NBC spinoff of Cash Cab. You try riding a cow through midtown Manhattan, Lemon. The animal will panic.

Jack

This is a sign. The lower classes are getting cranky about the rich earning all of their money away from them. Can't they see this is in their best interest? How could we pay their salaries without using their money? We're on the verge of a class war.

Jack

Son of a dingbat!

Jack

Not too much has changed. There's an iPod 3 and a Mitt Romney 4. They worked all the bugs out. He's not killing hobos at night anymore.

Liz

[about Kenneth] Well, it was nice of you to let him keep his job.

Jack

The Italians have a saying, Lemon. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct. In five years we'll all either be working for him... [Kenneth happily bikes away] or be dead by his hand.

Dennis

Hi. Dennis Duffy, Beeper King.

Jack

The Beeper King, really?

Liz

Dennis has his own business. Yes, he's an entrepreneur. He's very successful.

Dennis

You've probably seen my ads on the seven train, right?

Jack

I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant.

Liz

It's cod, it's uh, they made it special. Dennis has some dietary restrictions.

Dennis

Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried, you know.

Jack

That's a sharp tie you've got there, Dennis.

Dennis

That douchebag up front made me wear it.

Jack

Does he know you're the Beeper King?

Dennis

I don't think so.

Liz

Anyway, thanks for the hook-up. This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to.

Dennis

Hold on a second, this place ain't that nice, alright. It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.

Liz

No rat talk tonight, okay.

Dennis

[to Jack] You know there are 17 rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?

Jack

I think I read about that in The New Yorker. [pause] Um, anyway, we'll leave you two to your meal. I hope you enjoy the choices that you've made.