Scenes with Caroline Channing 153
[A television producer approaches Max and Caroline about shooting an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians at their cupcake window]
Caroline Just give me one good reason why we shouldn't keep up with the Kardashians.
I'll give you five good reasons: Kim, Kamber, Klondike... and the little ones, Krispy and Kreme.
Caroline Not even close.
Fine. Kim, Kooky, Kool-Aid, and the little ones, Kaptain and Kangaroo.
Caroline It's Kim, Kourtney, Khloé, Kylie, and Kendall.
That mother has some nerve, naming a kid who's probably never even read a book "Kindle."
Caroline We need this! Everyone watches Keeping Up with the Kardashians . It's like Dancing with the Stars , but without the stars. So, Dancing with the Stars .
Okay, tell me one good thing about this show that I hate, 'cause I've never seen it.
Caroline Well, it's all about this family and their struggle to... keep up. Yeah, okay, I've never seen it either.
Caroline I'm so excited! Max, this is what I look like when I'm happy! You've never seen it.
Please call me by my new name, Khlamydia Kardashian.
Caroline Don't say anything stupid like that.
I won't have to say anything . Kris will see me and recognize me as one of her own, with my lips, my boobs, and my willingness to live in some place called Calabasas.
[Caroline wakes up to a strange man in the apartment]
Caroline I warn you, I was in the Nutcracker Suite .
S Sebastian
What's that mean?
Caroline This! [kicks Sebastian in the crotch]
[Sebastian covers his crotch and falls on the floor; Max comes out of her bedroom]
Caroline Don't worry, Max, I handled it.
Yeah, I just handled it too. That's my booty call.
Caroline Are you telling me you know him?!
No, I don't know him! He just comes over for sex on Tuesday nights.
Caroline How do you not know the name of the guy you're intimate with?
Caroline Max, there are certain things you have to know about the guy you're engaging in sexual congress with.
Only you can make sex boring.
S Sebastian
[comes out of the bathroom] Well, not too bad. One's okay and the other one left on crutches. Later.
Caroline Sebastian, wait. This is Max Black. Max, this is Sebastian.
S Sebastian
Nice to meet you, Max.
Yeah, nice to meet you too. And you can just call me what you usually do—"Oh, God."
Caroline [trying to convince Max not to sell her Teddy Ruxpin doll to Elliot] That's "little you" in there, Max. And she's priceless. And she's about to erased and taped over by the soundtrack from Frozen .
E Elliot
Frozen ? Who am I? Me, a year ago?
Caroline No. Can't have her.
Well, what are we gonna do now about the other child? The one in the diner? [referring to Han, whose $500 fish Caroline accidentally lost]
Caroline Well, I guess he's just gonna have to grow up.
Grow up? You think if he had that ability, he wouldn't have used it yet?
E Elliot
So what, no bear?
Oh, please! You'll have a bear in your life, trust me.
Earl, can I borrow your paper? I wanna check my horoscope to see if I'll still be a whore in the future. All right, who wants to go first?
Ooh, do me! Do me! Do me!
Caroline Can we have one night at the diner that doesn't end with you yelling that at a woman?
All right, I'll go. "Gemini, the Twins." And they're both doing fine, so let's move on. Han, what sign are you? I'm guessing the 40-year-old Virgo.
Max, you don't need that paper. I'll tell you what's in your future: Using my name as a reference at Chipotle.
You guys really believe in that crap? They just tell you what you wanna hear. "You will be rich. You will be famous." You'd think I'd buy a newspaper if it said, "You will be a 75-year-old cashier"?
Caroline [after telling Max she has good news] Close your eyes. I'll give you a hint.
Last time I was told to close my eyes, I woke up in a bikini on a garbage barge. P.S.: Closest I ever got to a vacation.
[Caroline wheels a pink bike in and honks the horn]
Oh, you're dating a clown?
Caroline Please, you know I would have told you if I was dating someone who had a car. Look, it's the abandoned bike from in front of the shop!
It was the bike from the front of the shop. Now it looks like a contestant on RuPaul's Bike Race .
Caroline We're gonna use it to make deliveries. I already signed us up for three delivery services. Still crazy smart!
Waste of time. Amazon's got drones, and we've got one gay bike. I don't wanna do deliveries.
Caroline I got this. You bake, I'll bike.
And while you bike, I'll get baked.
Caroline Max, business is down again, and the only phrase I've said more than that is, "Please, God, take me in my sleep." I mean, it's clear. Not getting ahead.
Oh, is that what your mood is about? You're not getting any ahead? 'Cause I can take care of that with one call.
Caroline You are not hooking me up with that guy who's listed in your phone as "Oral Redenbacher."
Guess what Oleg and I are going to do that will probably give me hep C.
A threeway with Tommy Lee?
No, silly. We're getting matching tattoos.
We want something that represents our relationship. So maybe two butterflies doing the nasty during CSI: Miami .
Caroline Wow, you two, his and her tats. Romantic and will help identify the bodies.
Sure, you know, matching tattoos are the deepest expression of commitment.
Well, matching tattoos and pooping in front of each other.
I'm not gonna do it in front of my man. I poop at McDonald's 'cause I'm a lady.
Caroline How would you describe our apartment? And I've already ruled out "worse than that girl-pit in Silence of the Lambs ."
Well, at least she had some silence once in a while. Look, no one's gonna pay money to rent this dump. We haven't in six months.
Caroline Everyone else in Williamsburg is making money renting their crappy places on Airbnb. It's all how you describe it. So let's start lying.
[sarcastically] This is a fantastic idea and I really wanna do this!
Caroline First question: "Describe your neighborhood."
Uh, run-down with a bunch of rats.
Caroline Old-world charm. Pet-friendly. "What type of people live there?"
Junkies, whores, homeless.
Caroline Actors. "Do you have a hot tub?" Sometimes. "Gym?"
Two. Gay Jim upstairs, and straight Jim across the hall who's only gay when he's drunk.
Caroline "When is your space available? Always, sometimes, one time."
Oh, just like our sex lives. Always for me, sometimes out of boredom, and one time for you.
[The models arrive at Max and Caroline's apartment]
LA Lily Aldridge
Hi, I'm Lily.
Caroline Lily? As in Lily Aldridge?
MH Martha Hunt
And I'm Martha.
Caroline Hunt?! Martha Hunt and Lily Aldridge?! Max, do you know who they are?
Sure do! This one is the girl that I leave this one for.
Caroline Oh, you made a Feliz Navidad cupcake! I'm muy proud of you. And I think we're gonna make muy mucho moolah when Manuel comes mañana .
You're the only person I know who seems whiter speaking Spanish. [showing the cupcakes she made] Feliz Navidad for our Spanish-speaking friends. And for kids raised like me, "Feliz He's Not Your Dad." And then, "Joy to the World" for the normals, and for the hipsters, "Joint to the World." For the kids, "Frosty the Snowman." And for you, "Frosty with No Man."
Caroline Well, I didn't see Jack Frost nipping at your nips either.
Oh, here, this one's my favorite: "Santa Claus Is Coming"—
Caroline Max, stop right there.
No, that was it. He's coming.
Caroline Oh, my God, Max. My childhood bank!
You had a childhood bank? I didn't even have a childhood.
Caroline Come on, let's go. I stop in every few months to get caught on the security cameras, so people will think I'm still in the mix.
Trying to get caught on security cameras? Whoa, we are different.
Caroline Yeah, we'll just go in and while we're in here, well, I don't know, ask for a business loan.
We are not getting a business loan! You tricked me into coming to the city. At least knock me out and put me in the trunk like a person.
Caroline Okay, I hear you. No loan. But can we at least go in there so I can get a hit off some vault fumes and a complimentary Christmas cocoa?
Yeah, I want one too. It's so cold out here my bra is suing my nipples for assault.
I'm starting my own new business. So girls, you know how you have that $10,000? Well, I don't wanna clean you out, but how do you feel about tossing me $9,500?
You two should invest. Sophie's business is genius. You know how a bunch of ladies got their down-there hair permanently lasered off?
Yeah, that's when your waxer gives you a Michael Chiklis.
Well, Sophie's offering a product that puts grass back on your field.
Caroline That's not a business. That's nobody's business.
Yeah, I don't do any of that stuff. I just throw a scrunchie on mine and go.
Hey, there's a need for this. Sometimes, in the fog, my plane gets lost without a landing strip.
Caroline We're out.
Oh, don't decide yet, girls. You haven't even heard the cute little name—Sophie Kachinsky's Vagina Wigs!
Caroline Yeah, we're really out.
But it's a quality product, and it's real hair imported from va-China.
Caroline Yeah, never been further out.
[Max drives a roofied Caroline to the Hamptons in Caroline's new Lamborghini]
Caroline Max, you did it again. You roofied me, didn't you?
Of course I did! You were crying and babbling about the Hamptons, so I had to put you down.
Caroline You promised you wouldn't again. The last time, I was out for two days!
Yeah, I really just needed to get through Game of Thrones without someone talking during the incest.
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2 Broke Girls · 189 quotes
Caroline
