Earl Washington quotes from 2 Broke Girls

Max

I've never won anything in my life! Except for that time I got stoned and accidentally won that hot dog-eating contest!

Caroline

Wait, how did this even happen? Did you put our card in?

Earl

Actually, I put your card in, and I took a few out. I figured you girls could use a vacation. You girls been working harder than my liver on payday.

Max

Oh, Earl, you're like Santa, without the weird fixation on children. [she and Caroline walk away]

Caroline

It was so nice of Earl to enter us.

Max

Oh, stop! He's like my father.

Caroline

Max, thank God, I was so worried. Wait, why do you look extra pretty?

Max

Probably the new shades I didn't pay for. Or the hours of him going Downton on my Abbey.

Earl

Hold up. No spoilers, I haven't started season three yet.

Caroline

Earl, you watch that show?

Earl

Yes, I do. I enjoy any show where the help is white.

Max

Earl, I need my checks for tonight.

Earl

Beautiful?

Max

Check.

Earl

Sexy?

Max

Check.

Earl

Cool?

Max

Check.

Han

Let's start off this powwow by sharing our highs and lows of the week. My high was getting a particularly interesting Snapple Fact. And my low was—

Max

Your entire body?

Caroline

I'll go. My high was finding a barrette in the bathroom, and my low was imagining my new life without it. Max, your high?

Max

I certainly am. And my low will be when it wears off.

Oleg

Well, my high was catching a glimpse of a customer's lacy G-string, and my low was seeing his junk.

Earl

My low is this meeting. And my high is when it wraps up.

Han

Can everybody take this serious— [accidentally hits his crotch on the backrest of a chair] [high-pitched] I have a new low.

Caroline

[chuckles] I have a new high!

Oleg

Me too! [high-fives Caroline]

Max

Everybody, please! Han just clearly injured his vagina.

Max

Earl, can I borrow your paper? I wanna check my horoscope to see if I'll still be a whore in the future. All right, who wants to go first?

Oleg

Ooh, do me! Do me! Do me!

Caroline

Can we have one night at the diner that doesn't end with you yelling that at a woman?

Max

All right, I'll go. "Gemini, the Twins." And they're both doing fine, so let's move on. Han, what sign are you? I'm guessing the 40-year-old Virgo.

Han

Max, you don't need that paper. I'll tell you what's in your future: Using my name as a reference at Chipotle.

Earl

You guys really believe in that crap? They just tell you what you wanna hear. "You will be rich. You will be famous." You'd think I'd buy a newspaper if it said, "You will be a 75-year-old cashier"?

Han

According to Netflix, last night I watched half the Takens and all the Insidiouses-es. All of them!

Max

Relax. You probably just sleep-watched them. And you probably also sleep-ordered 28 boxes of tampons on Amazon.

Han

Max, you hacked into my accounts? That's illegal! And beyond what I thought you were intellectually capable of!

Caroline

Not much of a hack when the password is "Hanstoppable."

Earl

That's a breach of trust, girls. Did you order me those shoes?

Han

Dammit! I should have gone with "Han Golden Pond."