Scenes with Oleg Golishevsky 21
[First lines]
Oleg Pick up. Tables 12, 4, 11.
Got it. Hey, when you get a second, stop looking at my boobs.
H1 Hipster #1
Excuse me. Waitress? Dude? [snapping his fingers]
H1 Hipster #1
We need some...
[snaps her fingers in his face every time she speaks] Is that annoying? Is that obnoxious and rude? Would you find it distracting if someone did that to you while you were working? Oh, you don't have a job. Sorry.
H2 Hipster #2
Damn, dude, she burned you.
Oh. [snaps her fingers in front of Hipster #2 too] No, hipster. No. Do not think we're on the same team. We have nothing in common. I wear knit hats when it's cold out. You wear knit hats 'cause of Coldplay. You have tattoos to piss off your dad. My dad doesn't know he's my dad. [turns to Hipster #1] And finally, you think [snaps her fingers in his face] this is the sound that gets you service. I think [snaps again] this is the sound that dries up my vagina.
Oleg Pick up. Table 10, table 12, table six...tee9.
Oleg, there is no table 69.
Oleg There could be.
Oleg just sixty-nined me, and now I don't remember any of the table numbers.
Look, he's never gonna stop sixty-nining us. Forget the table numbers. Here's how you remember your orders. You just give people nicknames. Look, I got Thin Cee Lo, Fat Rihanna, Jon Beret Ramsey, and Kristen Bad Wig.
Oh, okay. I got Seth Rogaine, Child Molester Moustache, and Lesbian Justin Bieber.
[to Oleg and Han] What are you staring at? It's just clothes.
Oleg Max, you look like a lady. Tonight when I dream of having sex with you, as always, this time I will ask you to stay.
Max, you look perfect for your date.
No, it's not. It's booty call.
There is a fresh, white billboard. I'm climbing it with my friend, and we're putting up his artwork.
Booty call on billboard. If it's after 2:30, call is for the dirty.
What's that from? Dr. Seuss' Oh, the Places You'll Put It In ?
Oleg, take a picture of your junk on this customer's camera.
Oleg Done.
Aren't you gonna ask why?
Oleg No need.
[Caroline screams]
Yeah, that might have been my fault. Kind of a shock seeing it for the first time.
Oleg That little man disrespect me. He-He insult my food, my English, my "hyjane."
Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?
Oleg A hug would help.
If I hug you, will you go back to work?
Oleg Yes.
Two-second hug. I'm going in.
[Max and Oleg hug, Caroline comes into the kitchen]
[Max and Oleg pull away; Max's yellow shirt zipper is pulled down revealing her cleavage]
[Caroline points to Max's shirt revealing what had happened]
[to Oleg, in shock] Whoa! How did you do that? Your hands never left my back!
Oleg I am like David Blaine of zippers.
[annoyed] I was trying to cheer you up .
Oleg You did.
Oleg [comes out of the kitchen after learning Sophie was at the diner] Kitchen was closed... But can now be open again for such a beautiful woman. Hello. I am the chef.
Oh, here we go. Ukraine's gonna try to invade Poland. It's double D-Day.
Oleg, this is our neighbor, Sophie.
I would like to have a plate with sausage on it while I look over the menu.
Oleg Yowza. You are like someone super-sized Victoria's Secret angel. I'd like to Gisele on your Bündchens.
[hits Oleg in the crotch with a magazine] You're gonna act like a dog, I'll treat you like a dog.
Oleg I would like to hire you to clean my house.
Oh, yeah, this is possible. I will send girl. What is your address?
Oleg I don't want some girl. I want you to come clean.
Oh, you cannot get me to come.
Oleg Oh, I can get you to come.
No, I can no longer come anymore. No, Max and Caroline can come.
MC Max and Caroline
No, no, no, no, we're not coming.
Oleg So no one can get you to come?
Well, some people can get me to come... Just not you.
Oleg Hard to get... I like it.
[after someone knocks on the door] It's 3:00 a.m. Who would be coming over now?
I don't know, my dealer, my other dealer? That guy who always asks if I know where my dealer is?
[Caroline turns around with a shocked look on her face after looking through the peephole]
You can't handle what's on the other side of that door.
Yesterday, I saw a guy on a stoop frenching his cat. I can handle anything.
[opens the door] Oleg, what are you doing here? And you put the "oh, no" in kimono.
Oleg Your upstairs neighbor Sophie is allowing me to have sex with her. And I came down to borrow some sensual oils. Preferably, ones that you can eat.
Max, I know we've borrowed from everyone we know, but I'm so convinced that this is the right thing that I'm willing to stoop to something I never thought I'd do.
Look, you're sweet, you're adorable, but you're way too bony to bring in more than 40 a night. And even if you got an animal sidekick, it's still not gonna get us there.
Oleg It would get me there.
We can make an appointment, go into the city, and ask my Aunt Charity for the money. She's president of a cosmetic empire and she's filthy rich.
And how is she literally the only thing you've never talked about?
That's what family is—people who hate you, but can't kill you 'cause they're the first ones questioned.
Oleg [after inviting Sophie to his apartment] Girls, I may have oversold my apartment.
What, by saying she won't need to get shots?
Oleg Yes. Maybe you two could help me fix it up a little, give it a feminine touch.
You know what? I'll do it. But I'm very recently out of work, so I'm gonna have to charge you.
If you didn't, you'd be the only girl who ever went to his apartment without getting paid.
Oleg, how do you feel about cats?
Oleg Loved it. Saw it nine times on Broadway. Very clever show, but a little expensive. The most I've ever paid to see a pussy dance.
Oleg Cronut is what we called my Croatian cousin with one testicle. He hung himself.
Okay, well, in America, it's a half-croissant, half-doughnut. They're on the news, Twitter, Instagram. People can't stop talking about them. If cronuts had tongues, they'd be the Miley Cyrus of pastries.
[Han sent his mother pictures of a fake girlfriend after learning she is coming from Korea to visit him]
Han, you might have catfished your mom?
Oleg Catfishing... Right. That's when you pick up a woman in a bar, and when you get her in the light, you realize she has whiskers. P.S.: Doesn't bother me.
No, catfishing is when you pretend to be someone you're not on the Internet. You know, like everyone on the Internet.
All my mother wants is for me to be happily married like my father and her.
All my mother wants is a cure for hep C.
Look, here she is. [hands iPad to Caroline]
"Korean beauty June Kim, AKA Sapphire"? Han, you chose a prostitute?!
She's not a prostitute! She has a website!
Yeah, and I know a guy with business cards whose "job" it is to relax your rectum.
Let's start off this powwow by sharing our highs and lows of the week. My high was getting a particularly interesting Snapple Fact. And my low was—
I'll go. My high was finding a barrette in the bathroom, and my low was imagining my new life without it. Max, your high?
I certainly am. And my low will be when it wears off.
Oleg Well, my high was catching a glimpse of a customer's lacy G-string, and my low was seeing his junk.
My low is this meeting. And my high is when it wraps up.
Can everybody take this serious— [accidentally hits his crotch on the backrest of a chair] [high-pitched] I have a new low.
[chuckles] I have a new high!
Oleg Me too! [high-fives Caroline]
Everybody, please! Han just clearly injured his vagina.
Earl, can I borrow your paper? I wanna check my horoscope to see if I'll still be a whore in the future. All right, who wants to go first?
Oleg Ooh, do me! Do me! Do me!
Can we have one night at the diner that doesn't end with you yelling that at a woman?
All right, I'll go. "Gemini, the Twins." And they're both doing fine, so let's move on. Han, what sign are you? I'm guessing the 40-year-old Virgo.
Max, you don't need that paper. I'll tell you what's in your future: Using my name as a reference at Chipotle.
You guys really believe in that crap? They just tell you what you wanna hear. "You will be rich. You will be famous." You'd think I'd buy a newspaper if it said, "You will be a 75-year-old cashier"?
Page 1 of 2
Next ›
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 2 Broke Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
2 Broke Girls · 189 quotes
Oleg
