Caroline Channing quotes from 2 Broke Girls

Max

All this time, I thought you were a ride-or-die kind of bitch.

Caroline

I am a ride-or-die kind of bitch! What's a ride-or-die kind of bitch? [pulls out her phone from her jacket pocket]

Max

Are you Googling "ride-or-die kind of bitch"?

Caroline

I would be, but I only have two bars.

Max

Get away from the door! Han will see your feet under the door, they're right at his eye level.

Caroline

This is like a horror movie—Saw III. Because when Han bent over, I saw 3 inches of his crack.

Max

So you saw his whole crack?

Max

Sophie, as honored as I am that you asked, it's just not really my thing, you know, man?

Sophie

Is this really not your thing? It's nobody's thing. You just do it 'cause you're supposed to, like bleaching your teeth or your anus.

Caroline

Thank God I'm off the list, 'cause that bridesmaid spa day is gonna be rough.

Max

Look, I'm sorry, it's just, I was a maid of honor in fifth grade when my mom married her cult leader. And then she was my maid of honor when I married him a week later, so... I'm kind of maid-of-honored out.

Max

I'll leave. You stay and do your thing.

Caroline

But we came together.

Max

Yeah, I know you guys did. It happened, like, the second he kissed you.

Caroline

I don't do this. I just met him.

Max

Look, Caroline, I haven't read the Bible, but I know that when Jesus returns, you must follow him... back to his apartment. Let go... Let God... get to third base.

Caroline

[to Oleg, who is carrying Sophie's stack of bridal magazines] Wow, you're carrying more heavy issues than Amanda Bynes.

Oleg

Look at all these—Beautiful Bride, Modern Bride, City Bride. And you really need African-American Bride?

Sophie

Well, I haven't ruled out cornrows.

Max

Cornrows and a donkey? RSVP yes.

Oleg

Oh, yeah. This one's hot. [takes a page out of one of the magazines] Save that one for later. Oh, I forgot I'm getting married.

Sophie

Oh, keep her. I might need a Tuesday off.

We did not steal your idea.

Yeah, we did not steal your idea. We copied it from this lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn.

Max

Wait a minute... We have a lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn!

Ashlin, you talk too much. This is why everyone knows about my lap-band.

I think they know about it because you lost 200 pounds over spring break.

Caroline

[to Max] It's hard to believe she was once twice this obnoxious.

Max

[at Nola's photography exhibit] Look that title! "The Great Unwashed." Are Oleg's balls here?

Caroline

Max, it's the art scene. Class it up. At least say "testicles."

Caroline

Okay, Nashit, pay attention. These are the tables. This is the dessert bar.

Max

And these are my boobs.

Caroline

Max, be professional.

Max

These are my boobs, sir.

Caroline

Please, I have to make him a waiter.

Max

Fine, you make him a waiter, and I'll just make him later.

Caroline

[about Nashit] You can't seriously be into him. He looks like someone in a boy band.

Max

Yeah, and he's going one direction... Down there!

Caroline

But if you sleep with him, then Nashit is gonna hit the fan. How do you know you even like him?

Max

You know what I like? That we're doing it.

Caroline

Oh, my God. This the worst thing I've ever seen. And I've seen a prostitute change her tampon on the sidewalk.

Max

Who are you calling a prostitute?

Sophie

Well, it happened.

Max

Ryan Seacrest came out?

Sophie

Oh, Max, don't be silly. No, I'm pretty sure that happened a couple of years ago. My biggest dream has come true!

Caroline

Kentucky Fried Chicken now comes with free hair extensions?

Sophie

Okay, my second biggest dream. I'm pregnant.

Max

Oh, no, everyone just thinks that after they'd had the chicken parmesan here.

All the businesses on that block are gonna close. It's getting plowed for an IMAX theatre.

Caroline

Oh, my God!

Max

I know! Another Max is getting plowed on our block?

Max

Caroline reads everything. She read the entire iTunes user agreement before she bought Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money."

Caroline

Wish I'd read the fine print when I agreed to be your roommate. Turns out, bitch do have my money.

Max

Oh... my... God. It finally happened. Someone doesn't wanna have sex with me! He said he gotta be at work early. Isn't that weird?

Caroline

That you're dating a guy with a job? Yeah, that is weird.

Max

Remember on Full House, when you thought there was one Michelle, but there were actually two Michelles...

Caroline

Why are you bringing up one of the craziest days of my life?

Max

He has two.

Caroline

Two what?

Max

Owen has two penises! Why is it so hard to understand?

Caroline

Is that a thing that can happen?

Oleg

Yes, it's called diphallia. I just Googled it. It's a medical condition in which a male is born with two penises. The only case in which two dongs make a right.