Scenes with Sophie Kachinsky 11
[comes out of the kitchen after learning Sophie was at the diner] Kitchen was closed... But can now be open again for such a beautiful woman. Hello. I am the chef.
Oh, here we go. Ukraine's gonna try to invade Poland. It's double D-Day.
Oleg, this is our neighbor, Sophie.
SophieI would like to have a plate with sausage on it while I look over the menu.
Yowza. You are like someone super-sized Victoria's Secret angel. I'd like to Gisele on your Bündchens.
Sophie
[hits Oleg in the crotch with a magazine] You're gonna act like a dog, I'll treat you like a dog.
I would like to hire you to clean my house.
Sophie
Oh, yeah, this is possible. I will send girl. What is your address?
I don't want some girl. I want you to come clean.
Sophie
Oh, you cannot get me to come.
Oh, I can get you to come.
Sophie
No, I can no longer come anymore. No, Max and Caroline can come.
MCMax and Caroline
No, no, no, no, we're not coming.
So no one can get you to come?
Sophie
Well, some people can get me to come... Just not you.
Hard to get... I like it.
[after someone knocks on the door] Who is it?
Sophie
[from behind door] Kim Kardashian.
[Caroline opens the door and lets her in]
Sophie
No, I'm not Kim Kardashian. No, I work for a living.
[as Sophie walks into his dumpster] Sophie, watch your head. You might wanna take your heels off.
Sophie
Take my heels off?! Communist Russia couldn't get me to take my heels off.
Sophie
[after walking into the diner] What's that yellow tape? Did someone die again?
No, Sophie, we got an ATM.
I thought we already had an ATM. "Asian transgender male."
Well, thank you for saying "male."
Sophie
Guess what Oleg and I are going to do that will probably give me hep C.
A threeway with Tommy Lee?
Sophie
No, silly. We're getting matching tattoos.
We want something that represents our relationship. So maybe two butterflies doing the nasty during CSI: Miami.
Wow, you two, his and her tats. Romantic and will help identify the bodies.
Sophie
Sure, you know, matching tattoos are the deepest expression of commitment.
Well, matching tattoos and pooping in front of each other.
Sophie
I'm not gonna do it in front of my man. I poop at McDonald's 'cause I'm a lady.
Sophie
I'm starting my own new business. So girls, you know how you have that $10,000? Well, I don't wanna clean you out, but how do you feel about tossing me $9,500?
You two should invest. Sophie's business is genius. You know how a bunch of ladies got their down-there hair permanently lasered off?
Sophie
Yeah, that's when your waxer gives you a Michael Chiklis.
Well, Sophie's offering a product that puts grass back on your field.
That's not a business. That's nobody's business.
Yeah, I don't do any of that stuff. I just throw a scrunchie on mine and go.
Hey, there's a need for this. Sometimes, in the fog, my plane gets lost without a landing strip.
Sophie
Oh, don't decide yet, girls. You haven't even heard the cute little name—Sophie Kachinsky's Vagina Wigs!
Sophie
But it's a quality product, and it's real hair imported from va-China.
Yeah, never been further out.
[Sophie asks Max to be her maid of honor]
Sophie, as honored as I am that you asked, it's just not really my thing, you know, man?
Sophie
Is this really not your thing? It's nobody's thing. You just do it 'cause you're supposed to, like bleaching your teeth or your anus.
Thank God I'm off the list, 'cause that bridesmaid spa day is gonna be rough.
Look, I'm sorry, it's just, I was a maid of honor in fifth grade when my mom married her cult leader. And then she was my maid of honor when I married him a week later, so... I'm kind of maid-of-honored out.
[to Oleg, who is carrying Sophie's stack of bridal magazines] Wow, you're carrying more heavy issues than Amanda Bynes.
Look at all these—Beautiful Bride, Modern Bride, City Bride. And you really need African-American Bride?
Sophie
Well, I haven't ruled out cornrows.
Cornrows and a donkey? RSVP yes.
Oh, yeah. This one's hot. [takes a page out of one of the magazines] Save that one for later. Oh, I forgot I'm getting married.
Sophie
Oh, keep her. I might need a Tuesday off.
Sophie
Well, it happened.
Sophie
Oh, Max, don't be silly. No, I'm pretty sure that happened a couple of years ago. My biggest dream has come true!
Kentucky Fried Chicken now comes with free hair extensions?
Sophie
Okay, my second biggest dream. I'm pregnant.
Oh, no, everyone just thinks that after they'd had the chicken parmesan here.
RRandy
Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big; Michael J. Fox's is small; the Pope has one but doesn't use it; Madonna doesn't have one at all.
Dongs. The answer is dongs.
Sophie
C'mon, Oleg, I mean, nobody can say for sure that Madonna doesn't have one.
Dongs aren't the answer to everything. I used to think that. You know where that got me? Pennsylvania, with no car.
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2 Broke Girls · 189 quotes
