A character in 2 Broke Girls
Played by Matthew Moy
2 Broke Girls · 189 quotes
4th most-quoted character in 2 Broke Girls: in 16 of its 189 quotes
Most scenes with: Max Black (16), Caroline Channing (8), Oleg Golishevsky (5)
[after Han decides to install a karaoke machine in the diner] You can't give hipsters a microphone. That's like throwing gasoline on a pretentious fire.
HanHipsters like karaoke.
Replace the word "like" with the word "Hitler" and you've got the three worst things in history.
[to Oleg and Han] What are you staring at? It's just clothes.
Max, you look like a lady. Tonight when I dream of having sex with you, as always, this time I will ask you to stay.
Max, you look perfect for your date.
It's not a date.
It is.
HanNo, it's not. It's booty call.
There is a fresh, white billboard. I'm climbing it with my friend, and we're putting up his artwork.
HanBooty call on billboard. If it's after 2:30, call is for the dirty.
What's that from? Dr. Seuss' Oh, the Places You'll Put It In?
HanLook, two parties of cool hipsters are sitting at tables near wall. [referring to a group of four hipsters sitting next to two homeless men]
You think those are six hipsters? Okay, let's go over this one more time. Hipster or homeless pop quiz, ready?
HanReady.
Hipsters wear?
HanSkinny jeans.
Homeless wear?
HanDirty jeans.
Hipsters listen to?
HanRadiohead.
Homeless listen to?
HanThe voices in their head.
Hipsters have?
HanBeard and a blog.
Homeless have?
HanBeard and so much sadness. I see sadness, there and there.
I'll handle this. [walks toward the group of hipsters] I told you before, I don't want your kind in here. Take a trendy hike. Better step it up. The Apple Store closes at ten.
HanMax, why did you kick out the hipsters?
'Cause I could not be in the background of another Instagram photo.
HanDon't forget to pick up customer comment card. Customers very important. It's all about the fans.
Yeah, I'm not a fan of hearing what people have to say. For instance, what's happening right now—not a fan.
HanMax, feedback from customers is very important business tool. Perhaps we'll pump the brakes on sour waitress attitude.
There's only one tool that can change my 'tude, but I'm gonna need two AA batteries and a 20-minute break.
HanCaroline is late again. And she better not use your new cupcake shop as an excuse this time, 'cause sista, that crap ain't gonna fly.
First of all, stop talking like you're in a Tyler Perry movie. And secondly, [Caroline comes in without Han noticing] Caroline's here, she's in the kitchen.
HanOh, really? 'Cause when I was in there, you told me she was out here. You play me, fool.
Stop talking like you're in a Tyler Perry sequel.
HanGirls, I have made a big decision.
You're having a sex change? I totally support you, but be careful, Han—female-to-male is very tricky.
HanWell, you would know.
Meow! He must have already started on the hormones.
HanNow, here's my big decision. We're moving from those icky glass ketchup bottles to modern, new squeeze bottles.
Wow, that is some fresh, outside-the-box thinking.
It's like being an intern at Apple during the summer of '76.
HanThat's right. Call me Han Jobs.
Oh, I will only call you Han Jobs.
Hey, Han, do you want a cat?
You could finally have a friend your own size. Come on, you could ride it to work.
HanNo, I can't have a cat. They're lazy, moody, and judgmental. I don't need another you. Plus, they don't show affection.
Sure they do, you just have to know how to get it out of them. Cats love to be lightly spanked on their bottom.
HanI don't understand why a cat would like that. It's so mysterious.
[repeatedly slapping Han on the buttocks] Kitty. Kitty. Kitty-kitty-kitty. Kitty. Kitty. Kitty-kitty-kitty.
HanHmm. Well, I can't have a cat, I work all the time. Why did I like that so much?
I don't know. Something with boobs was touching you?
HanPeople with boobs touch me!
She means aside from your mom.
HanThen, no.
[Han sent his mother pictures of a fake girlfriend after learning she is coming from Korea to visit him]
Han, you might have catfished your mom?
HanI might have.
Catfishing... Right. That's when you pick up a woman in a bar, and when you get her in the light, you realize she has whiskers. P.S.: Doesn't bother me.
No, catfishing is when you pretend to be someone you're not on the Internet. You know, like everyone on the Internet.
HanAll my mother wants is for me to be happily married like my father and her.
All my mother wants is a cure for hep C.
HanLook, here she is. [hands iPad to Caroline]
"Korean beauty June Kim, AKA Sapphire"? Han, you chose a prostitute?!
HanShe's not a prostitute! She has a website!
Yeah, and I know a guy with business cards whose "job" it is to relax your rectum.
[after walking into the diner] What's that yellow tape? Did someone die again?
HanNo, Sophie, we got an ATM.
I thought we already had an ATM. "Asian transgender male."
HanWell, thank you for saying "male."
I love St. Patrick's Day.
Tell me one good thing about it.
Han[shows up in a leprechaun costume] Top o' the mornin'!
Look, it's a Lepre-Han.
HanSo, what do you think?
I'm concerned. If you're out here, who's guarding your lucky charms?
HanYou laugh now, and probably all night long, but with this costume my chances of getting laid are higher than ever!
So zero?
HanNope, 100%.
What makes you so confident? 'Cause the only answer I can think of right now is that you have cocaine in your wee pocket.
Hey, I can see it—you're out drunk on St. Patrick's Day, and it seems like a good idea to bang a leprechaun. Like the Presidents' Day I hooked up with a guy dressed like Uncle Sam at the used car lot.
HanThis costume is my ace in the hole.
Well, it does make you look like an ace-hole.
HanLet's start off this powwow by sharing our highs and lows of the week. My high was getting a particularly interesting Snapple Fact. And my low was—
Your entire body?
I'll go. My high was finding a barrette in the bathroom, and my low was imagining my new life without it. Max, your high?
I certainly am. And my low will be when it wears off.
Well, my high was catching a glimpse of a customer's lacy G-string, and my low was seeing his junk.
My low is this meeting. And my high is when it wraps up.
HanCan everybody take this serious— [accidentally hits his crotch on the backrest of a chair] [high-pitched] I have a new low.
[chuckles] I have a new high!
Me too! [high-fives Caroline]
Everybody, please! Han just clearly injured his vagina.
Earl, can I borrow your paper? I wanna check my horoscope to see if I'll still be a whore in the future. All right, who wants to go first?
Ooh, do me! Do me! Do me!
Can we have one night at the diner that doesn't end with you yelling that at a woman?
All right, I'll go. "Gemini, the Twins." And they're both doing fine, so let's move on. Han, what sign are you? I'm guessing the 40-year-old Virgo.
HanMax, you don't need that paper. I'll tell you what's in your future: Using my name as a reference at Chipotle.
You guys really believe in that crap? They just tell you what you wanna hear. "You will be rich. You will be famous." You'd think I'd buy a newspaper if it said, "You will be a 75-year-old cashier"?
[Max and Caroline learn that Oleg is moving in with Sophie]
HanWhat is the problem? This is all good news. Sophie and Oleg are in love.
Yeah! And they'll be in love on our stairs, in our hallway, and on every surface of the laundry room. What do you know about love anyway, Christian Single?
HanI know Jesus has a girl for me. He has to. I'm $400 deep into that damn website.
Pick up. Tomato soup, house salad. And I'm also running a special on D batteries. Buy both, and I'll thrown in this bootleg copy of Horrible Bosses 2.
[as Han comes in] Here comes Horrible Bosses Too Small. Need some new batteries to keep walking and talking?
HanNo, Max, I'm not powered by double Ds like you.
[pause] Preach.
HanHere ye! Here ye! I'm unveiling a major improvement to the diner.
Well, we'll miss you, Han.
HanNice try, Max, but like Ryan Seacrest, I'll be here forever.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 2 Broke Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
