Max Black quotes from 2 Broke Girls

Max

I love St. Patrick's Day.

Caroline

Tell me one good thing about it.

Han

[shows up in a leprechaun costume] Top o' the mornin'!

Max

Look, it's a Lepre-Han.

Han

So, what do you think?

Caroline

I'm concerned. If you're out here, who's guarding your lucky charms?

Han

You laugh now, and probably all night long, but with this costume my chances of getting laid are higher than ever!

Max

So zero?

Han

Nope, 100%.

Caroline

What makes you so confident? 'Cause the only answer I can think of right now is that you have cocaine in your wee pocket.

Max

Hey, I can see it—you're out drunk on St. Patrick's Day, and it seems like a good idea to bang a leprechaun. Like the Presidents' Day I hooked up with a guy dressed like Uncle Sam at the used car lot.

Han

This costume is my ace in the hole.

Max

Well, it does make you look like an ace-hole.

Caroline

[after learning pastry school has been closed] Oh, good, John's here. He'll know what happened.

Max

What makes you think he knows?

Caroline

He's a big queen, Max. He'll know why school's closed, and why Lady Gaga's last album failed.

Caroline

Can't you just go to Deke's without me? I'm too down in the dumps.

Max

Then what better place to be than in a dumpster? And Deke said to make sure to bring you. And relax, it's not a three-way situation. When we made our three-way list, you were at the bottom with Taylor Swift.

Caroline

Well, at least I'm with Taylor. On the three-way list, who's above me?

Max

Vicki what's-her-name from Real Housewives of Orange County.

Caroline

Is that the one with all the face work?

Max

You're gonna have to be more specific.

Caroline

Do you know what kind of cake you want?

Absolutely. Something traditional, something very old school, you know, very romantic. But wait, now I'm thinking, you guys are so cool. What if we did something with a weird, hipster Williamsburg vibe?

Max

So you want an obnoxious cake on a trust fund wearing an ironic T-shirt with HPV?

But wait, now I'm thinking... pastels for spring! Oh, but wait, now I'm thinking... colors. I love clowns.

Max

Wow, she changes her mind more than I change my underwear.

Caroline

So twice?

Caroline

There's the gorgeous bride! Your dress is beautiful! It's a beautiful dress to get married in right now in the next room.

No, I hate it. I'm taking it off. I'm not wearing this dress—or that one, or that one. Because I'm thinking, marriage is stupid.

Max

So stupid.

Caroline

Max!

Max

Stupid beautiful, and everyone should do it.

Nope. It's not for me. Like underwear.

Han

Let's start off this powwow by sharing our highs and lows of the week. My high was getting a particularly interesting Snapple Fact. And my low was—

Max

Your entire body?

Caroline

I'll go. My high was finding a barrette in the bathroom, and my low was imagining my new life without it. Max, your high?

Max

I certainly am. And my low will be when it wears off.

Oleg

Well, my high was catching a glimpse of a customer's lacy G-string, and my low was seeing his junk.

Earl

My low is this meeting. And my high is when it wraps up.

Han

Can everybody take this serious— [accidentally hits his crotch on the backrest of a chair] [high-pitched] I have a new low.

Caroline

[chuckles] I have a new high!

Oleg

Me too! [high-fives Caroline]

Max

Everybody, please! Han just clearly injured his vagina.

Caroline

I am not addicted! Now, where's your cash? 'Cause it wasn't in your piggy bank, which someone, not me, broke.

Max

You think you don't have a problem? Then, fine, you can have the money.

Caroline

You won't be sorry. Where is it?

Max

In my bra.

Caroline

Where's your bra?

Max

On my boobs.

Caroline

You sleep in your bra?

Max

Have to. Last time I let them out at night, they didn't come home till 4 a.m. and couldn't tell me where they'd been.

Caroline

Max, just take it out of there, please.

Max

Nope, I'll tell you what I tell every guy who wants to get in there: It's 12 bucks for adults and 10.50 for seniors.

Caroline

[after taking money out of Max's bra] I promise I'll never do that again.

Max

That's what my Uncle Hank said.

Caroline

No, I meant I'll never ask you for money again.

Max

That's what Uncle Hank's wife said.

Caroline

No more gambling.

Max

Now I feel like you read the transcript of Uncle Hank's case.

Caroline

Max, I have a surprise, and it's right behind you.

Max

Before I turn around, is it Oprah? 'Cause I will die!

Caroline

It's a diploma from pastry school!

Max

No, seriously, what's the surprise? I'll even take Gayle.

Max

Look, I am not a pastry school graduate. I'm not even a high school graduate. The only thing I graduated from was a scared straight program, which is why I'm not gay anymore.

Caroline

Max, you really didn't graduate? I always thought you were kidding about dropping out of high school, like when you say that Howard Stern is your dad.

Max

'Cause he is! Look at our eyes. And I did drop out. I was like, "Later, suckas! I'll find a water fountain somewhere else."

Caroline

Water fountains? Gross. In private school, we never bent down to put our mouths on something unless it had a yacht.

Max

I didn't need a piece of paper from high school, and I don't need this fake piece of paper, because I don't fake things. Except orgasms with guys who don't know how to yank hair good.

Caroline

Just give me one good reason why we shouldn't keep up with the Kardashians.

Max

I'll give you five good reasons: Kim, Kamber, Klondike... and the little ones, Krispy and Kreme.

Caroline

Not even close.

Max

Fine. Kim, Kooky, Kool-Aid, and the little ones, Kaptain and Kangaroo.

Caroline

It's Kim, Kourtney, Khloé, Kylie, and Kendall.

Max

That mother has some nerve, naming a kid who's probably never even read a book "Kindle."

Caroline

We need this! Everyone watches Keeping Up with the Kardashians. It's like Dancing with the Stars, but without the stars. So, Dancing with the Stars.

Max

Okay, tell me one good thing about this show that I hate, 'cause I've never seen it.

Caroline

Well, it's all about this family and their struggle to... keep up. Yeah, okay, I've never seen it either.

Caroline

I'm so excited! Max, this is what I look like when I'm happy! You've never seen it.

Max

Please call me by my new name, Khlamydia Kardashian.

Caroline

Don't say anything stupid like that.

Max

I won't have to say anything. Kris will see me and recognize me as one of her own, with my lips, my boobs, and my willingness to live in some place called Calabasas.

Caroline

I warn you, I was in the Nutcracker Suite.

What's that mean?

Caroline

This! [kicks Sebastian in the crotch]

Caroline

Don't worry, Max, I handled it.

Max

Yeah, I just handled it too. That's my booty call.

Caroline

Are you telling me you know him?!

Max

No, I don't know him! He just comes over for sex on Tuesday nights.

Caroline

How do you not know the name of the guy you're intimate with?

Max

"Intimate"?

Caroline

Max, there are certain things you have to know about the guy you're engaging in sexual congress with.

Max

Only you can make sex boring.

[comes out of the bathroom] Well, not too bad. One's okay and the other one left on crutches. Later.

Caroline

Sebastian, wait. This is Max Black. Max, this is Sebastian.

Nice to meet you, Max.

Max

Yeah, nice to meet you too. And you can just call me what you usually do—"Oh, God."

Oh... my... God! Is that a Teddy Ruxpin doll? Rita, I want that!

Your birthday just passed, Elliot.

But my coming out party is coming up.

Max

What is that, like a queen-ceañera?

So bitchy. Love her. A vintage Teddy Ruxpin is worth like, $500, and my mom works, so she has to buy my love.

One more word, and I'm taking away spa day.

That's harsh, honey.

He's obsessed with the '90s.

Max

But you weren't even born.

I know. I blame her. She couldn't find a man till late in life.

There go the pedicures.

There go my sandals.

Max

As much as I love watching Will & Grace, this guy's not for sale. I'm sending him back to my mother's place, which, according to the Rhode Island Parole Office, is a cardboard shanty town outside of Big Lots.

Well, here's my card. And let's face it, you look like you could use $500.

Max

So bitchy. Love him!