Caroline Channing quotes from 2 Broke Girls

Caroline

You two are so adorable, like Romeo and Juliet... except without the bright future.

Max

[notices Caroline sleeping on the subway] Hey.

Caroline

I have a taser! [wakes up suddenly and tasers Max, who falls unconscious to the ground] Oh, my God. I am so sorry. I didn't think it would hurt so much. It's pink.

Max

It didn't feel pink.

Caroline

I didn't know it was you. I thought I was being raped.

Max

That's not what rape feels like.

Caroline

Are you sure you're fine? 'Cause I heard you crying last night.

Max

I don't cry. I sold my tear ducts to an organ bank for cash two years ago.

Caroline

I was on the couch. And I heard you crying alone in your bedroom.

Max

Really? What did the crying sound like?

Caroline

Like... [moaning]

Max

I wasn't crying.

Caroline

Well, then what were you d— [Max widens her eyes in irony] Oh! So none of my business.

Caroline

When I went to the cute coffee place, I spoke to the counter girl, Nabulangi—

Max

If someone named Nabulangi is making an appearance in the first sentence, I have to sit down.

Caroline

And she said her manager'll be in at 11:00. So I thought I'd Chanel it up, walk on over there, introduce myself and your fabulous cupcakes.

Max

That's exactly what I was gonna do.

Caroline

I'm just gonna go say good-bye to Chestnut and get going. You know, having only one cute outfit takes hours off getting dressed. [walks out into the backyard] Oh. That is a lot of fresh Brooklyn. Morning, Chestnut, it's a beautiful— [slips and falls on Chestnut's feces]

Max

No. Way.

Max

Look, Chanel Number 2. [laughs]

Max

Okay, ready to go?

Caroline

Do we have to? It's so hot outside. When did heat get so hot?

Max

Stop fighting it, just give in to it. I don't know why I'm quoting a rapist.

Caroline

Um, didn't you see me crying?

Max

Lots of people cry at Goodwill. You go to France, you eat snails. You come here, you cry.

Caroline

That's odd, you didn't even react. You need to react when people cry.

Max

I did, I rolled my eyes. Look, eventually, you'll learn to do that on the inside.

Caroline

Okay, well, just FYI, when I used to cry in front of my other girlfriends, they'd be like, "What you cryin' about, C-line? Look at you, girl, you're fierce, you got your glam on!"

Max

Are your girlfriends black drag queens?

Max

What?! No way! No way! Is this Narnia? I'm about to say something I swore I'd never say. OMG! Again, OMG! It's lame, but nothing else really nails it. This is the room that OMG was born for.

Caroline

Max, it's just my closet.

Max

Your clothes have a house!

Max

[while taking a bath in Caroline's jacuzzi tub] I think me and your tub are going steady.

Caroline

Oh, you found the jacuzzi button.

Max

I don't know who found who but we're together now. I'm totally stealing some of these ridonkulous bath soaps.

Max

This one's shaped like a vagina.

Caroline

It's a seashell.

Max

Sister, this is a mint green vagina.

Caroline

When I was 15, I paid the security system guys extra to not wire the skylight, and then I snuck out and went to Illiano Schapiro's sweet sixteen.

Max

Cute.

Caroline

In Greece.

Max

Hardcore. I used to sneak out of the house and huff spray paint with an ex-marine.

Max

Wait, what about the clothes?

Caroline

Oh, what am I gonna do? Walk around Williamsburg in a $3,000 gown? Oh my god... wait a minute. Grab everything with a price tag on it that we can re-sell, or that you think I'd look amazing in.

Caroline

Not the furs. They're wired!

Max

Why would you wire the furs?

Caroline

Everybody wires the furs, bitch!

Caroline

[Sitting next to Max on the subway wearing all the clothes they stole layered one on top of the other] This was my fave purse to take dancing.

Max

How'd you keep it up on your shoulder when you went all mad Krump?

Caroline

[Looking through the purse] Look!

Caroline

Two hundred dollars!

Max

Is not enough we're sitting on the subway in furs, you gotta make it rain?

Max

Come on, Chestnut, go poo-poo near the hipsters. Hey, how cool would it be if we could get Chess to go poo on a hipster?

Caroline

How can all of those people have $75 just to dance at a laundromat? I've been doing my roots with white-out.

Max

Hipsters in Williamsburg will pay for anything if it makes them feel like they're in on something new no one else knows about. All you need's a gimmick.

Caroline

So, tell me, did you give Peach the card?

Max

No, I didn't.

Caroline

Why?

Max

It was like my mouth wouldn't let me do it.

Caroline

That's crazy. What's so hard about going up to Peach and saying, "Good afternoon, Peach. Exciting news... I started a cupcake business. Here's our card. Please pass them out to all your friends and help us launch our exciting new business venture. Thank you."

Max

That sounds needy, like when someone asks you to come to their one-woman show. "Somebody date-raped me, and I didn't think I'd live through it, but I did, and now I'm stronger, and, uh, still needy."

Max

Call him right now! He can't come over here. Look around! I have his napkins hanging up everywhere. He'll think I'm Dexter. [intercom buzzes] Don't answer that. Don't you...

Caroline

[answering intercom] Come on in, Johnny. Yes, I did it. I need a bed.

Max

You are so selfish!

Caroline

Yes, I'm selfish, and you're Dexter. So, quick... help me take down the napkins. Oh, God, there are so many! How come I never noticed how many there were before?

Max

I don't know. Same reason you didn't notice your father stealing everybody's money?

Caroline

Really? Really? Now when I'm helping you?

Max

You're right. We'll trash you later.

Caroline

I have a surprise. I redecorated my room. I scoped out some cheap fabric in bedding places down on Houston Street. What do you think? [pulls down her Murphy bed]

Max

I think you've made a vagina.

Caroline

What?

Max

Sister, you may think that sex is the last thing on your mind, but you turned your bed into a vagina.

Caroline

Do you think my vagina has curtains?

Max

I don't know how long it's been.

Caroline

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Max

Okay, but I still have to make the cupcakes to bring by that place tomorrow. I don't wanna keep you awake, so why don't you sleep in my bed tonight and I'll pass out on your vagina?

Caroline

Okay, but you better buy me breakfast in the morning.

Oleg

Pick up. Table 10, table 12, table six...tee9.

Caroline

Oleg, there is no table 69.

Oleg

There could be.

Caroline

Oleg just sixty-nined me, and now I don't remember any of the table numbers.

Max

Look, he's never gonna stop sixty-nining us. Forget the table numbers. Here's how you remember your orders. You just give people nicknames. Look, I got Thin Cee Lo, Fat Rihanna, Jon Beret Ramsey, and Kristen Bad Wig.

Caroline

Oh, okay. I got Seth Rogaine, Child Molester Moustache, and Lesbian Justin Bieber.