You Can't Do That on Television Season 4 quotes

Lisa, why are you drinking all that water?

Well, remember last year at summer camp?

Do I! The hard beds and those cruel counselors and all the black flies and all the mosquito bites that we got.

Right. So Mom said I can't go if can't stop wetting the bed. So...

Ready... aim... (he pulls out a pie from behind his back) eat!

Christine's homemade pie?! Come on, I don't wanna die a slow, agonizing, painful death! Come on, shoot me! Come on, have mercy!

Alright. Amigos, we'll show him some mercy. (chuckles) Ready, aim... (he pulls out another pie) Lisa's pie!

You're cruel! You're-- the Geneva Convention should have something to say about cruelty like this! Shoot me, please! Come on, amigos! Fire! Fire!

I love alphabet soup.

Hey, look, the letters in your soup are coming together.

You're right!

What does it spell?

I...

"I do"? "I don't"?

"I don't know." [Lisa gets slimed]

Oh, Lisa, you don't know how much time it took me to orchestrate those noodles so that they would-- (laughs) It was worth it. Drink some Kool-Aid. You'll feel much better.

[Introducing the show] Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television, another in a series of sour notes.

"Pavarotti Sings The Blues" will not be shown at this time. In its place, we present the following out of tune program.

Attention. Can anyone tell me what the three B's [underlines a "B" on the chalkboard] are? [Brodie raises his hand] Brodie?

The Boss, The Beatles, and The Beach Boys.

No, it's Black Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult, and the B-52s.

No, no, how classless of you two. Everyone knows that the three B's are Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms.

Wrong. You're all wrong. The three B's are the worker, the drone, and the queen bee. This is a science class, you forgot. You kids have nothing but music on your minds. [The kids begin humming in unison]

"Miss Piggy Sues The National Enquirer" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following ugly rumor.

Fame will not be seen at this time, but is being desperately sought after by each member of our cast. Who do they think they are?

CUE!

I haven't read the script! I don't know what today's show...

...is about.

[Laughing] It's about Priorities!

Priorities, huh? Yah. Well, I think that from now on, my highest priority in life is, never again to say "I don't know".

You Can't Do That On Television will not be seen today in order that we can get your priorities straight. Now turn off that television and go and do something constructive!