Jack McFarland quotes from Will & Grace

Will

You and Estefan are really getting married.

Jack

Our time has come. Before I was ready to settle down, I just had to get a couple guys out of my system... then in my system... and then back out of my system.

You don't remember me, do you?

Jack

Oh, of course I do. [pause] OK, give me a clue.

I'm Rex. We went out last year.

Jack

A little more.

We slept together. You said you'd call, and you never did.

Jack

[pause] Yeah, I'm gonna need a little more than that.

We went to my parents' house for Christmas.

Jack

Oh, my God, of course! I'm so embarrassed. Can you ever forgive me, Johnny?

I already said my name was Rex!

Jack

Yeah, I'm in the middle of something, Johnny, gotta go.

Will

You know the best part about teaching? I can ride my bike to work because I don't have to get all dressed up.

Jack

Or, is the best part that you're in a position of power and there are all these hot young guys around, and if you ask them out, they have to say yes, or you'll fail them?

Will

You do understand the difference between a law school and a porno set in a law school, right?

I came on too strong and freaked Will out. I mean, I've known him for two days, and I've already met his mother, found out what kind of perfume she likes and seen what her house looks like on Google Earth.

Jack

At least you don't know what Kevin Bacon's trash smells like.

Jack

You hurt the feelings of my male fiancée - or "Boyance", if you will.

Will

I guess that makes you "Gay-Z".

Jack

Larry, you found my coin?

The ER doctor did. He asked me how it got where it did, and it all came flooding back: Me not wanting to dance, Will saying I was a dancing machine, you saying if someone put a coin in me, I...

Jack

...had to dance! [laughs] Now I remember! Karen put a coin...

Please don't finish that sentence!

Jack

Please tell me you found a way for us to get to Spain.

Wouldn't that be nice, but no. We are getting married at midnight, right here at Gate 35A, the nicest of the 35s. Papi, I know it's not Spain, but at least our wedding won't be on a Tuesday.

Jack

Oh, thank God. Because we wouldn't want our wedding to be cursed by being forced to have it at, oh I don't know... an airport! What, do you wanna have our honeymoon in the men's room?

Jack, that's where we had our second date.

Jack

[about Will & McCoy's baby] Wow, lucky kid - having two dads, just like Jesus.

Will

And she'll have a Mary right across the hall.

Jack

This one ain't a virgin.

Jack

I used to love watching the guys play basketball in high school, especially when it was skirts and skins.

Will

You mean shirts and skins.

Jack

[pause] No wonder I got beat up so much.

Karen

There's so much I don't know about baseball. Like, is there a "base-boobs" or "-oral"?

Jack

It depends. Are we talking gay or straight bases? Because we're dealing with different equipment.

Jack

Oh crap, Jerry Sussman's here. He used to be a catty audition accompanist, then he made it big, and now he's a big, huge pianist.

Grace

[smirks] Uh, what was that?

Jack

A big, huge, pian… OK, I just heard that, that's amazing!

Jack

Oh, you are crafty. You brought me to a public place so I wouldn't make a scene.

Will

I brought you to a drag bar. I knew you'd make a scene, and I wanted you to blend in.

Jack

C'mon, I know just the place. Let's go.

Will

Fine. I can't wait to see what filthy, depraved hellhole you're taking me to.

Karen

As long as there's a drag queen calling out Bingo numbers, I'm happy.

So, I'll get right to it, Mr. McFarland - how do you plan on keeping an iconic institution like CoCo's open without Coco?

Jack

Oh, they'll still come. I'm not changing anything. We're just under new management. The bar is transitioning - like half our patrons.

[offended] Do you think people who are transitioning are funny?

Jack

Oh, God, no! They have no sense of humor!

Jack

Once again, it's my mother's birthday, and I have no idea what to get her.

Grace

Just don't try to be cute. One year, I told my mother I was her gift, and she asked if I came with a receipt.

Jack

You thought that was cute?