Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? Season 1 quotes

(upside down) Dana. Dana, wanna turn me around? I'm gonna lose the change in my pockets. Dana? (Right-side up) Thank you so much. Thank you.

Chief

Greg, some things are meant to be. Grass is meant to be green. Water is meant to be wet. Carmen Sandiego is meant to be in jail! And she's out there on the loose. She's been there for a while, and, well, the natural order of things has gone haywire!

Grunge, those ACME agents have sniffed you out. Go to an African country with residents who might tolerate your smell.

Thanks, Carmen. (sniffs) I just love to meet new people.

Who said anything about people? I meant the famous mountain gorillas studied by Dian Fossey. They were in that movie Gorillas in the Mist.

Geez, Carmen. You expect me to live with animals?

Maybe not. They're still thinking it over. Meet them at their home in the National Park of Volcanoes.

Those gorillas are famous, huh? Maybe I'll brush my teeth for the occasion. (sneezes)

Let me tell you something. This is a particularly tough case and when I get a tough case like this I always go to this woman right over here. Agnes Acme. She's the founder of ACME Crimenet. She's also the great-grandmother of the Chief. I often wonder what she'd do.

Huh-huh-huh! My goodness, this is exciting! Imagine me, a television detective! Huh-huh! Hey, Bullwinkle, who's famous now?

This is Agnes Acme (the words "aka Lynne Thigpen" is shown) speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, and remember, if villains make you feel remorseful, call on us. We're kind... yet forceful.

Chief

Remember the ACME motto: ACME agents will be there, catching crooks with special flair.

Now, I have a feeling that it's highly possible the Chief will be calling me into her office right about... (the Chief appears on the monitor)

Chief

Greg?

...now.

Chief

Now. In my office right away.

Okay. You guys stick here. Be back in just a bit. (laughs) I wonder what she'd like to talk about. (enters the office) Yeah, Chief. What's up?

Chief

Uh, Greg?

Yeah.

Chief

You and the gumshoes have been halfway around the world and you...

...still haven't found Carmen Sandiego.

Yeah, I know.

Chief

Right.

Yeah, I know that.

Chief

Well, now, you better get...

...your acts together. Otherwise, we're never gonna find her.

Yeah. I know that. (laughs)

Chief

Right.

Uh-huh.

Chief

Uh, you did you know...

...what you were gonna say?

Well, Chief, I need to tell you something. You're becoming just a little bit predictable.

Predictable? (both laugh) Ridiculous. I've never felt more unpredictable in my life. What makes you think... you're saying everything I say? Stop that! Don't do that! Peanut Butter. Octopus.

See? I can tell. Everytime. You're very predictable. I can tell.

Chief

Well, all right, all right. Maybe I am just a little bit. All right? But that still doesn't change the fact that we still haven't...

...found Carmen Sandiego.

Chief

I'll offer a free trip anywhere...

...in the lower 48 states to the gumshoe who finds her. (applause)

See? See? See what I'm sayin'? Listen, Chief. You know, I don't mean any offense when I say you're predictable, because a lot of people are a little predictable. I mean, there's really nothing wrong.

Go away.

Yes. Okay. (exits the office)

Eartha, I'm sending you to a place where they could use your Great Wall. Almost half the country is below sea level. Try to make a deal with the government.

So, I should go to the capitol?

No, Amsterdam is the capital, but the seat of the government is a different city.

What? I'm confused.

So, what's new? Move your brawny behind.

Kelly, you have a very special hobby, right?

Yes. I collect tigers. In fact, my nickname's "Tiger".

No kidding! So, therefore, obviously, then, your favorite baseball team would be the Detroit Tigers.

No, I hate the Detroit Tigers! I like the Red Sox.

(on phone) Hello? Carpet delivery? No, we do not-- We don’t have any carpet deliveries...

Yeah, it just got here. Yeah. Thanks a lot. All right. Thanks.

Wait a second. That can only mean one thing. It’s time for the…

Lightning round.

All right, this was for, uh, Crab Alfredo, and pizza. Now we’re talking about detective stuff, but it was kind of a social thing too.

I hope you're keeping a low profile, Contessa.

Of course. I'm in the south of France, at the film festival. Everyone is here. Don and Melanie. Kurt and Goldie. Bruce and Demi. I drove down the Mediterranean coast with Dustin just this morning.

You drove the stolen Bugatti?

Of course not!

Good.

I let Dustin drive it! He just loves classics.

Why me?!

I lost her… in the junk fleet… of Aberdeen Harbor! Oh, baby! (passes out)

Scott, you're really startin' to bug me! (to Kelly and Aziz) Now it's time for you to go to Hong Kong and where you're gonna try to find the Contessa. All right? I want you to know, though, we don't send our agents out into the field unprepared. Right, Scott? (Scott just groans.) Okay.

Chief

Now that's Kowloon in the background. It's on the mainland of China but it is still part of Hong Kong.

Chief

I had a bird once. It was a parrot, named Seymour. Oh, what a character! He could mimic everything about me. My speech, heh, my little nervous laugh, the way I tilted my head when I was self-conscious, and when…Eventually I couldn’t take the mockery anymore so I had to get rid of him. So, gumshoes, the Contessa and the Bugatti are in Hong Kong. Get going. I got a little writing to do.

Chief

This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, and remember: Some like music; some like books; but ACME’s folks like busting crooks!

Okay, guys. It looks like the Double Trouble twins have now just... They've left the country. They boogied completely outta the picture.

Says who?!

Oh, it's you. Uh... Wait a minute. Wait a second!

What are these fake plastic fingers ya have on here?!

Hey! Hey! What are you...?! Stop that! How... How come... How come you get to have all the fun? How come I don't ever get to have any of the fun?!

Hey, hey. Hey! Hey, hey! Hey!! HEY!!! Listen. We're in the middle of a criminal investigation here. Now, STOP IT!!

Oh. Okay. I'm sorry, Greg.

Chief

Greg, some things are meant to be. Grass is meant to be green. Water is meant to be wet. Carmen Sandiego is meant to be in jail! And she's out there loose, for a while, she's been there, and, well, things have started to go haywire!

Ready for another party, boys?

Geez, we’re always ready, Carmen.

Good. I want you to head down the peninsula from Tijuana to Ensenada.

Well, what’s the occasion?

The start of a famous international off-road race. Hundreds of drivers race all kinds of vehicles across the desert.

We’re rollin’!

Would you stop that infernal R-R-R-R-R-RACKET?!!

My upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. C'mon. (enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger's window) Hey, Mrs. P.!

You're noisier than those party fellows! I could hear they're going one halfway across the country last night. They were in Shreveport, at the Holiday-In-Dixie Festival, eating crawfish gumbo. Now, go catch those hooligans, and leave me in peace! (shuts her window)

Thanks a lot. Thank you!

Chief

This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, and remember, we solve cases, we deliver; ACME sends crooks up the river!

Now, unfortunately, we completely lost Vic the Slick. I don't know whether he went down at sea, there was a storm at sea, if Alcatraz is now under the Atlantic, I'm just really not...

None of the above! Greg!

Yeah?

My office. Now.

(walks up closer to the Voice) Yeah?

Come on! Why'd ya do that?!

Because I can.

Oh, yeah.

Now, listen. He went to the only territory in North or South America that's still controlled by a European country. He might just be on Devil's Island, the famous ex-prison colony there.

Okay. Thanks a lot. Appreciate it.

Don't mention it. And, Greg?

Yes?

Go away.

Yes. Okay. Sorry.

I don't know who that guy is. But how does he know all that stuff?

Chief

Greg, Lemke just called. He says we're in violation of Crime Net regulation 336-2: The Hand-Puppet Clause. They were on PBS. Kids are watching, and we are required to use a hand puppet.

Okay. No problem. No problem. Got it handled.

Hi, Handy. Got a clue for us?

I certainly do. Thank you, Gregory. Vic the Slick went to a city where they speak slang called Lunfardo. It's a combination of Spanish and Italian. The country recently changed its currency from the Peso to the Austral.

Really? What's Vic doing there?

He tried to sell the prison as a floating hotel, complete with tango dancers, (the Chief notices that Greg is moving his mouth with Handy's every word) and all sorts of other things that... Uh...

Chief

Well, that was interesting, Greg.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Handy Hancock!

(takes a bow) Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you!

Okay, guys. Now, it's time for you to go to Buenos Aires to try to find Vic the Slick. But I want you to know, what you gotta do is go out there, find 'em, and bring 'em back. But we don't send our agents out into the field. Right?

Right! Chief, how 'bout a briefing?

Pack up the bell and hop a plane to King Khalid Airport, the biggest airport in the world.

I know where that is! Will I have to wear one of those long, black cloaks?

You mean an abaya! No. But wear a longer skirt, out of respect for their customs.

And I can't drive, right? Women aren't allowed to drive.

You're so smart, dear. Wait a minute! Since when have you been driving?!

Since I stole a learner's permit!

(sings when the Liberty Bell is revealed in the 2nd round) The Liberty Bell!

Carmen, help! Where should I go next?

Head for the Nagoya or the Kanazawa. Some of the high school kids are going through what they call examination hell.

Eww! Sounds yucky! What is it?

They take a series a difficult tests to get into top universities. Many of them spend lots of yen per year on special test-cramming schools after their regular school day ends.

Wow! No fun! But couldn't they call it examination heck?

Just get going!

Number 2 pencil!

Uh-oh. I think we're-- Think we're getting some cosmic interference here. (tunes up the monitor) Lemme see. It must be our, uh-- Our spirit gumshoe, Crystal.

What's up, Gumshoes? I'm flying first class on the Astral plane. I'm getting vile visions from the brain of the brute. I see 19,000,000 people in one big city. Spanish people. Indian. Mestizos. It used to be the center of the Aztec Empire. Wow! This must be what Eartha's looking for. Azteca Stadium! Oops! My signal's fading. Hasta luego!

See ya, Crystal. Thanks a lot.

I still can't find a stadium big enough to hold my games.

Take the torch to one of my favorite capitals in eastern Europe, home to great writers like Kafka. Great composers like Dvořák. Great--

Uh, Carmen, what about my games?

Ah, yes. Your games. Well, the world's largest open stadium is located there. And while you're at it, try to hire Martina Navratilova. She was born in this city.

Who's she?

The tennis champion. One of the biggest money winners in women's sports. Don't you read the paper?

Only the comics.

I've had enough of this!

Must be our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Punpkinclanger. Hi, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger.

That bruiser has gone to the Highland games on the Isle of Skye. She's tossing about a 15 foot tree trunk called a caber. Now, cease your incessant meandering and go apprehend her.

Thanks. Thanks. Great hair. Love your hair.

Davs.

Good day.

That means "hi".

And "good day".

...In the country where you wanna go.

It's made up of over 400 islands in the North and Baltic Seas.

It's capital is Copenhagen.

I hope you get there on Queen Margrethe's Birthday. When that happens, there's...

No school! All right!

Chief

Now, Gumshoes, I like baseball. (Merengue music is heard) But when I visit this country, it's for the famous Merengue Festival in Santo Domingo.

Chief

Y'know, once I hear those ol' rhythms, your Chief becomes... just a non-stop Merengue machine!

Uh, thanks, Chief. (to the audience) Let's hear it for the Chief!

I didn't know you can move like that! She can move! She can really... move it out!

Vic, those ACME agents have found you. Head to a nation in the Pacific whose name means south.

Hey, Carmen, I'm headin' for the South Pacific?

Brilliant deduction, Vic. It's one of the few countries on earth that's never been ruled by a foreign power. Now, get moving.

Oh, but Carmen, I'm waitin' for some new plaid suits to come back from the tailor!

Forget the suits, Vic. The traditional dress here is the ta'ovala. It's a woven mat skirt worn by women and men.

Geez, Carmen, a skirt?! This could ruin my reputation as a snappy dresser! Well, I'm on my way.

(each time the bat is revealed)

We just have found out that an ACME Celeb-Net agent has an update for us on his next whereabouts. Kathie Lee?

I can't believe it. That creep has turned up in my favorite place. The city where I was born! Imagine. He's probably sliming down the Champs Élysées right now. Or stinking up the Louvre Museum. He might even be sneezing all over someone's cocoa ban-eseems. Yecch. Cops will never be the same. (Says something in French)

Thanks, Kathie.

Carmen, I think those Gumshoes are on to me. Especially that detective in the middle.

You're sounding much better, Top. Listen. Get on your chopper and head for the Pan American Highway. Ride it all the way down to the end.

Yeah, like what's the Pan American Highway?

It's a highway that goes all the way from Canada to the capital of Chile. That's where you're going, Grunge. (Grunge sneezes) Bless you. Now, get going!

Carmen, darling I have two problems. First of all the gumshoes are on to me, second of all I'm freezing!

Take the tods to a British Island in the West Indies. The Dejan people are lovely hosts. You can hide out in the Garrison, where George Washington slept - the only time he ever left America.

Oooh, just my style! Ciao bella!

I'm not your 'bella', I'm your boss.

Now, it would not be PBS if we do not take time for something right now that's very special. And that is...

...Puppets! Ladies and gentlemen, Handy the puppet! Please welcome him.

Chief

It's Handy! Hi, Handy.

Hello! It's nice to see you. How are you?

Chief

Oh, it's good to see you, too. You're so cute.

It's good to be here.

Excuse me. Excuse me, you 2? We could kinda use a clue right here, if you don't mind.

Oh, very sorry. Okay, here we go. (clears throat) Well, it's way up north in North America, but it's warmed by the Japan current. She had a cab take her around the city. It was completely wrecked by an earthquake in 1964, and they rebuilt the place!

Chief

Oh, you are just the cutest thing.

Well, thank you very much. Thank you.

Chief

(laughs) You're welcome.

Uh, Chief? Chief, you know this is just my hand. Right? I have red stuff here...

Chief

Oh, Greg! Oh, you are such a kidder! Handy, he's such a kidder.

It's not real. (to the audience) Ladies and gentlemen, Handy the puppet!

Okay, guys. Now, it's time for you to go to Anchorage.

Anchorage.

And you're gonna look for the Contessa and the Fall Fashion. You hafta go there, find 'em, bring 'em back. But I want ya to know, we do not send our agents out into the field. Alone. Right?

Right. Chief, how 'bout a briefing?

(each time the Paris Fall Fashion Collection is revealed (all are spoken instead of sung))

Hey, Carmen, we're in trouble.

So, what else is new? Fly to Santiago, then take the falls north to the driest place on earth.

Where's that?

Just west of the Andes in the Atacama Desert. There are parts that haven't had rain in 400 years.

Ooh, that's pretty dry. Doesn't sound like much fun.

It's more fun than jail, you twin twits. Now, move it!

Greetings, Gumshoes! Here's the scoop. You wanna go ta'... Siam.

It's not called Siam. Not anymore.

Is the capital still Bangkok?

That it is.

Does it still border Myanmar, Laos, and Cambodia?

You're right.

Yes, "Siam"!

George!

Chief

Fine work, Jessica! And I've upgraded your status from Gumshoe to Sleuth!

Okay, for our next clue then, Jessica, you may find this one particularly well. We have our next clue coming in from a person who taught M.C. Hammer everything he knows. Take it away, Nana Rap!

(laughs) You're such a nice young man. I'd be happy to do some chill slammin' and jammin' for ya. Hit it! (rock music plays)

Nana Rap, ladies and gentlemen!

Robo, those ACME agents have found you. Head for an Asian country that was part of French Indochina.

Please specify. This description fits more than one nation.

Very good, Solderhead. Just testing your memory banks. Go to the city of Vientiane. You'll get there in time for Bun Bang Fai. That's the rocket festival.

Destination acknowledged, but what is the purpose of this festival?

It's a wild celebration to kick off the rainy season, so don't forget your rust proofing. Now, get going.

Chief

Ah. Coins and fountains. You know, that reminds me of a story. Once, there was a little girl whose only wish was to grow up and be a law enforcement official. Now, if she wasn't reading detective books, she was watching detective movies. One day, the girl came across a fountain near City Hall. She closed her eyes, she took out a shiny quarter from her pocket, and she made her wish, and tossed the coin high into the air! Missed the water completely. (audience laughs) Today, she's a carpenter somewhere in Florida. Alright, gumshoes. Robocrook and the Radioscope are in Rome, Italy. Go after 'em!