Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? Season 1 quotes

I'm gonna need some company in the slammer, so here's the scoop on Carmen. Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).

Honor among thieves? Surely you jest! If I'm going to prison, I'm taking Carmen with me. Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).

It's a dirty trick me bein' in da joint and Carmen on the loose. (coughs) Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia). (sneezes)

Hey, Gumshoe! Carmen double-crossed me, so I'm gonna get even! Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).

The probabilities of your capture of Carmen will be accelerated if I supply you with pertinent information. Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).

I know I shouldn't be telling you this, but it isn't fair that I'm in jail and Carmen's not. Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).

We’ll party a lot hardier in the slammer if we know Carmen’s on her way. Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).

Chief

Detectives, ACME Art-Net has tracked Vic the Slick to the place where Leonardo painted Lisa. Vic was spotted pinching a pinkie ring at the Ponte Vecchio, where they've been making jewelry since 1593. Now this city is often called "The Birthplace of the Renaissance", and the artists Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo did some of their greatest works here. Their recent decision to become ninja turtles has initially been controversial, but is now regarded as just another example of their genius.

(picks up the phone) ACME Crime Net.

ACME Crime Net? It's Lisa. (furiously) WHEN a-you are gone, a-rescue me!! If this jerk drags me through the Van Gogh Museum one more time, I'm gonna throw him in the Amstel River! Everything's written in Dutch. Get me out of here right now!!!

We're on the case, ma'am! Thanks so much for calling. Been a pleasure. Bye. (hangs up the phone) I love it when she calls.

Yeah, come in.

I think we have a serious problem here. What's the matter, dude? Hey, come on. What's the matter?

(gags) I saw Vic in a Japanese-- (gags)

Come on. You can't die now. A Japanese what? A Japanese what? Come on!

An industrial center in western Japaaaaaaaan!!!

Come on! We need a little bit more. Just a little bit more! Come on.

The city's famous for Bunraku... Japanese Puppet Theater! (gags)

Is that it? That's all ya had to say to me? Is that it?! Haven't ya got anymore?! (loudly) ANSWER ME!!!!

(screams, then calmly:) It's just south of... Kyoto! (he gets up, spins around, does splits, and collapses again)

Scott, the Dying Informant! (applause; Scott picks up his hat) One more time! Bravo! How wonderful! (Scott heads back to the alley)

Hey, boss lady, I gotta stash Lisa someplace. She's gettin' on my nerves.

Take her to a souk in Morocco.

Souk? What's a souk?

It's an outdoor market where you can find everything from snake charmers to pastries filled with pigeon meat. Vic, you'll love the souk. You can argue over the price of everything.

Yeah? Where is this Morocco place, huh?

It's a country in northern Africa on the Mediterranean Sea. And, Vic?

Yeah?

Lose the plaid suit.

Oh Carmen, you've got no style.

Chief

Greg?

Yeah, Chief?

Chief

Greg, in my office. It's this fax.

Oh. Just a second. I gotta go help her. I'll be right back. (to the audience, quietly) She needs me. (enters the office, where the fax is on the fritz) What's the matter?

Chief

You see? I can't get it to work. It's--

(smacks the machine, and the note comes out of it) Gotta smack it in the right place.

Chief

All right. Read it to me.

Uh, well, you know, it just-- It just kinda says what it says.

Chief

Well, it's gotta be something. Read it!

Okay. (reads note) "Dear Chief, you are a chump. You and your Glum-Shoes still haven't found me or Top Grunge. Catch me if you can. Regards to ACME Slime Net. Signed, Carmen Sandiego", and then, it-- It goes on from there.

Chief

Goes on.

Yeah.

Chief

What else does it say?

Uh, it says (reads the last part of the note) "P.S.: Nanny-nanny... Poo-poo."

Chief

"Nanny-nanny poo-poo"?!

Yeah. I'm sorry, (points to the note) it's right there. It's right there.

Chief

"Nanny-nanny poo-poo"?

Yeah.

Chief

(laughs) That does it! Detectives-- (looks at Greg, who looks at her)

Yeah. Sorry.

Chief

The Gumshoe who puts Carmen Sandiego behind bars will get a free trip anywhere in the lower 48 states! (applause) I've had it. (sarcastically) "Nanny-nanny poo-poo".

You know, Chief, I tell ya, I would never think of you as a chump. I mean you may have some chumpish qualities from time to time, but basically--

Chief

Go away.

Chump. Uh, check! (exits the office)

Eartha, those ACME agents are hot on your trail. You have to move fast.

Oh, great! I'm hauling around a 5-ton sea monster and you expect fast.

Calm yourself, Eartha. I have it all planned. Head for a landlocked country in South America. A henchman will meet you on its border with Peru. You can hide Nessy from ACME in one of the world's highest lakes. It's called Titicaca.

Titi-what?

Lake Titicaca. Now, go.

For our next clue, we need to go to, uh-- You know, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure exactly where we go. I forgot what are next clue is. I'm sorry. Uh, Chief? Chief? I'm sorry. I forgot what the next clue was. If you could tell me, then we could-- we could get started.

Chief

Well, you got me, Greg. I don't know.

You don't know?

Chief

No.

Oh, great. Uh, well, then, I'll just go up to ACME Control Net. I'll find out. I'll give you the clue. I'll come back. I'm sorry, guys. I don't know how this happens. I'm very frustrated about this. Excuse me, guys. I'm sorry. I'm tryin' to get a job done here if you don't-- Pardon me. Excuse me. I just-- You know, if you want a job done right, the ol' Gregger. (enters ACME Control Net) Hey, guys. How you doin'? Hi. Hey, Dana, you got any clues?

Greg, you're not supposed to be in here. You're supposed to be in the office. Go.

We need more clues though.

All right, tell the Gumshoes to go to the Pompidou Center who was a Moulin Rouge. All right, now, again, we got a show to do.

All right.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's one more thing. Take these Francs. You'll need those. Okay? Now, scoot. Come on. Let's go.

Okay. You know, it is really cool back here. I've never been in here before. What is that thing right over there?

That's the Gumsholator, Greg.

Cool. Cool. What's this thing right here?

Don't touch that! (Greg pushes a button which causes static and a technical difficulty)

Hi. Sorry. They had a little technical difficulty, but we're back and everything is okay!

Chief

Greg?

Yeah, Chief?

Chief

In my office right away.

Okay. Uh, I'll be right there. You guys stick here. Lemme find out what she wants. (laughs) My mentor calls. (enters the office where the Chief has grown two faces)

Chief

Oh, Greg, the investigation is starting to worry me. Now, Carmen Sandiego is--

Chief.

Chief

Don't interrupt. Carmen Sandiego is being extra tricky.

Chief.

Chief

Now, if-- All right, what is it?

Chief, it's your face. Uh, there's one more than usual.

Chief

Well, I was getting to that.

Okay. All right.

Chief

Now, if we're gonna crack this case, we'll need as many pairs of eyes as possible. So, I've grown an extra face and I suggest you do the same.

That seems a little extreme to me, Chief. Uh, there's gotta be a better way. Uh, I know, we could offer the gumshoes a trip to anywhere in the lower 48 states. That'll get 'em to catch Carmen Sandiego. (applause)

Chief

Oh, well, say, well, that should do it. Well, I guess I don't need this anymore then.

I don't think so.

Chief

(pushes her two faces back together as one) Oh.

Okay. Good move, Chief. I tell ya, (laughs) that two face thing was freaky. I mean, whoa, whoa, whoa! That was weird. I mean, they were nice faces and don't look at me wrong. But that is distracting--

Chief

Go away.

Yes, ma'am. Okay. (exits the office)

I'm running out of ideas.

Have you ever had one? Set your course for a British crown colony in the Windward Islands.

Why there?

You can hide your arch in the mountains, but watch out. They're volcanic. There're steaming vents and pools of boiling water I wouldn't want you to rust.

You're so thoughtful, Carmen.

If I didn't watch out for you, who would?

(after Ali finds the Loot, the Warrant, and Robo in the right order on the very first try) Man alive! I've never seen that done before! That is amazing!

Now, Eartha has been very busy. She left Germany, went over to Denmark, crossed the water, went to Sweden, cut back to Wales, then up to Ireland, then she jumped into the water, swam away, and we lost her. Sorry.

Carmen, these teeth are grossing me out! Why didn't you give this job to Top Grunge?

Quit your whining, Patty. You have to move fast. Head for Africa's second largest country. It's on the Mediterranean coast.

But I don't even know anyone in Africa!

I have a close friend who'll meet you. She'll be wearing a veil.

A veil? Is that what all the women wear?

Only the strict Muslims. They believe it's improper to be in public unless they cover their lower face. Now stop with the questions. You just have to go.

Greg! Greg, who's that?

Right here? This is... This is Scott. We had a little... We had a little problem. We normally have a service that comes in and...

I see. Wanna see something special?

Yeah. Yeah.

Watch this.

Okay.

Yo! Yo! Scott! Rise.

(gets back on his feet, alive) Whoo! I feel great!

Ladies and gentlemen, Scott, the Dying Informant, is alive!

Now, Gregg, you have some interesting career plans. Tell us about you career plans.

Yeah, I like to be either a Stand-up comedian or a Baseball Manager. (applause)

Stand-up comedian or a Baseball Manager. Now, wait. Come right up here. 'Cause they just don't want you to talk into the microphone quite that closely. It's on. It's workin' fine. Okay. So, you wanna be a Stand-up comedian. Tell me. What kinda jokes do you do?

Well, um, I make phony phone calls to 1-800 numbers, um--

Yeah.

I make-- I make funny surveys and go to random people who I don't know, and um, I tell 'em knock knock jokes.

You tell 'em knock knock jokes. You can tell he's a comedian by the way he's workin' that microphone, you guys. Yeah, you can just stand right up there, Gregg. It's cool. Just stand right there. That's cool the way it is. You tell knock knock jokes.

Yeah.

Would you guys like to hear a knock knock joke by any chance?

Yeah!

Okay, Gregory, lay one on us. Let's hear it.

Knock knock. (Greg laughs)

Who's there?

Humpty.

Humpty who?

They call me Humpty, with... I say it with an "-umpty"! I really am kinda funky!

Gregg, ladies and gentlemen! Come on! Come on. Tough, tough crowd.

Robocrook! (sings their fanfare)

Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yeah, get in there. (laughs) Come on over here, Gregg. (Gregg walks to the chain) Be sure you get plenty of that on you, dude.