Greg quotes from Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her mob of mulish miscreants have marauded again. The dirty deed was done in Deutschland. Begun in the 1930s, the Autobahn was the world's first attempt at creating a national highway system. Today, it winds some 10,000 miles throughout Germany, and is thought to be the only major highway in the world without a speed limit. Well, today, Top Grunge grind his way to Germany and got a grip on the famous roadway. It will be sad faces and slow driving all over the land until their beloved Autobahn is returned. Gumshoes, your mission is to release the Autobahn from bondage, topple Top Grunge, and then capture crime queen Carmen Sandiego.

Wow. What a great road. No speed limit! (laughs)

Stop laughing and start leaving, asphalt breath. I want you to haul the highway to N'Djamena. It's the capital of a landlocked African nation.

I don't know, Carmen. Ain't there a war goin' on?

No. The Muslim nomads in the north and the non-Muslim farmers in the south used to fight each other, but that's over. If the city's too risky, head north to the mountains of the Sahara Desert. And get a camel their blanket. It's cold there.

Sounds kinda itchy, Carmen. You know how sensitive my skin is.

That's only because you never washed it.

'Scuse me just one moment. I think I'm getting a message from Kafka. (sets off for The Roach Hotel) Let's check into The Roach Hotel.

Greg, hi. You caught me eating lunch. Anyway, Grunge is on a Peninsula in the Atlantic. Where birds from all over stop on their way south every year. Humans seem to like it, too. The town on the Peninsula's tip is full of lovely Victorian boarding houses and Hotels. The birds like it. The humans like it, but it just isn't damp and stinky enough for a roach like me. Speaking of damp and stinky, I love these things. They're awful.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's horde of heisted hooligans has heisted again. This time, they hid a college just outside of San José, Costa Rica. The University of Costa Rica is the nation's largest, oldest, and one of the most prestigious institutes of higher learning. Its some 28,000 students follow a rigorous schedule which begins in February and ends in December. Although similar in many ways a U. S. university, Costa Rican educational requirements are particularly demanding. Students must complete 300 hours of community service and write a thesis or pass a graduate exam in order to earn their degree. Now, school's out for good in Costa Rica because the university has disappeared. Patty Larceny, Carmen's brainy burglarizer, pretended she was taking final exams, but took the whole school instead. Your mission, gumshoes: put the padlock on Patty, return the University of Costa Rica, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

(sings to the tune of Alice Cooper's "School's Out") School's out forever!

Nice job. Rockapella, ladies and gentlemen.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her slew of sleazy slugs have struck again. This time, they did the illicit action in Illinois. Metropolis, Illinois built itself as a hometown of Clark Kent A.K.A. Superman. Back in the 1940s, when the DC Comics superhero first became famous, the folks in Metropolis noticed that their city has the same name as Superman's fictional city. Years later, they turned coincidence into opportunity by jumping into the roadside attraction business. Now, Metropolis boasts the only official Superman phone booth, Superman billboard, water tower, and annual celebrations. It's even got a newspaper called, you guessed it, the Metropolis Planet. But it was dire headlines today when Wonder Rat, in a bit of medium-mongering jealousy, stole the entire city. He says he won't release it until every last image of Clark Kent is replaced with his own heroic visions. They'll be illing in Illinois until Metropolis is returned. Gumshoes, this cannot be tolerated. Your mission is to round up the rat, get the city of Metropolis back to the city of Metropolis, and then catch that burg-burgling bigwig Carmen Sandiego.

Nyah, I'm thinkin' of changin' the name of this town I stole. How does Ratopolis sound?

How does jail sound? ACME's about to nab you. Head for Monrovia, the capital of a West African nation that's home to one of the world's largest fleets of privately owned ships.

Yeah, yeah, right. Ship owners all over the world register there, 'cause they charge low taxes and lenient regulations. Say, I could use a nice rat-cruise.

Forget it. You've got to hide. Head into the rainforest and disguise yourself as a Pygmy Hippo. This is one of the few parts of Africa where they live.

Gee, I don't know Carmen. Wonder-Dwarf-Pygmy-Hippo-Rat? It just doesn't roll off the tongue.

Hmmm, no it doesn't.

(each time Metropolis is revealed in the 2nd round)

Chief

Carmen Sandiego and her school of scurrilous scallywags have struck again. This time, they took a pop shot at Paris, France. The meeting by the emperor Napoleon, the splendor of Arc de Triomphe was built to honor the French army. Napoleon's fortunes didn't last long, but the Arc has lived on. Until last night, that is when Eartha Brute, that brawny burglar, barged up the trophied masse and snarked up the Arc. There will be darkness in the City of Light until their beloved monument is returned. Gumshoes, your mission is to bag the brute, return the Arc to Paris, and then put an end to Carmen Sandiego's career in crime.

Chief

(After Eartha's profile) She's a cross trainer, a weight gainer, and a no brainer.

Carmen, how long do I have to carry this Arc around?

Quit whining. ACME's on your tail, Brute. I want you to hide the Arc behind the Barrier Reef off the caribbean coast of Central America. Then, head inland where the Howler Monkeys live.

How do I find them?

They sound like this. (makes monkey sounds) You can hear their cry almost a mile away.

Hey, sounds like my brother.

For our next clue we turn to James Avery, an informant from ACME Shredder-Net. Watch.

Pssst. Gumshoes, Eartha's in a Chinese city, on the eastern bank of the Yangtze River. It's a site that's been inhabited for thousands of years. Twice this century, the city was capital of China, but not anymore. Now it's a bustling commercial center that's capital of Jiangsu Province. That's all I know. Good luck. Get outta here!

Thanks, James. Robert, do you recognize him? Cartoons? Shredder. Shredder everybody.

Prankster of Paris!

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's swarm of sorted sociopaths has struck again. This time, they convened a criminal conclave in Nairobi, Kenya. Nairobi has become one of Africa's leading international cities, and the gleaming Kenyatta Conference Center helped pave the way. Named for former president Jomo Kenyatta and opened in the early '70s, this 28-story building was home to the U.N.'s first African headquarters. These days, its fine facilities hosts a wide-range of conventions and conferences from around the world. And from the top-floor viewing deck, you can see the entire city of Nairobi stretched out before you. But today, meetings were abruptly adjourned when the Kenyatta Conference Center disappeared. Wonder Rat, Carmen's scruffy scheming scallywag, snatched the center then made a hasting retreat. He plans to use it as a centerpiece of his very own resort, Ratlantic City. Your mission, gumshoes: whisk that whiskered Wonder to jail, return the Kenyatta Conference Center to Nairobi, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

(to everyone in ACME Control Net, who are asleep, via noxious gas) C'mon, it's a big joke, right? HEY! Big jo--! (he then comes up with an idea) LUNCH!

Hey, you guys! You guys! Hey! You guys! You guys! HEY!

I was jokin'!

Head for a national park with one of the world's biggest volcanoes. Native Americans called it Tahoma.

Aw, a huge volcano? Gee, Carmen, I hope you're not trying to get rid of me!

Relax. There hasn't been a major eruption for about 2,000 years. These days it's home to the largest single-peak glacial system in the U.S. outside of Alaska.

Tahoma, huh? I never heard of it.

That's because it was renamed by a British explorer. He called it Mount Rainier.

Hey. If he can rename it, then I can rename it. How about Mount Ratnier? (giggles)

Hmmm...I don't think so!

(after Rockapella's parody of the Supremes' "Why Do Fools Fall in Love") Rockapella, ladies and gentlemen! Along with Lisa Price! Give 'em a round of applause!

(after Rockapella chases Lisa before the Chase) Lisa Price, with Rockapella.

Darwin Research Station. (Shoeprints are revealed)

Nothing!

No. Thank you. Rockapella, ladies and gentlemen.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her team of twisted twerps have struck again. This time, they bullied their way to Binghamton, New York. Binghamton is the home of WSKG-TV, a member station of PBS. From its studios, WSKG serves 21 counties in New York and Pennsylvania. Other TV networks are owned by big corporations, but PBS is a joint venture of its 341 member stations. Local stations like WSKG produce both community, oriented, and national programs, and they raise a significant portion of their money through membership drive. SKG has been a PBS member since 1968. But now, Binghamton is PBS-less because Wonder Rat, that sniveling superhero wannabe, stole the station. He plans to turn it into RTV, Rat Television, 24 hours a day, written, directed, and starring himself. Gumshoes, there will be no more PBS in the 21 counties until the station is returned. You've got to round up that rat, free SKG, and then catch Carmen Sandiego.

Hey! When that rat stole the station, he stole me with it! He holds the station south, just across the Rio Grande. We're getting T.V. shows from a network called Televisa. It's huge! They've got 4 national channels, lots of original programming, and even some American T.V. shows dubbed with Spanish voices. I hope you get this tape, Gumshoes. Remember, (forms the ACME Triangle of Excellence with his hands) Vigilance, Dedication, Courage. Now, get me outta here!

Yeah! So, Carmen, this is great! I'll have my network goin' in no time.

ACME's on to you. Head for the home of Chennai Cheetah Studios.

Yeah, Yeah. Where Federico Fellini directed his movies. He could do my life story. We'll call it La Dolce Vita Rat On. That means this sweet ratlife.

I know what it means. Just lay low and stay away from the reconte vershoto.

Yeah, Yeah. I gotta watch my weight in these tight space. Maybe I could market a diet drink. Maybe?

God o mina. Move!

And, uh, maybe not.

(each time WSKG is revealed in the 2nd round)

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her troop of traitorous troglodytes have turned up again. This time, they struck in Stockholm, Sweden. Alfred Nobel was a Swede who made his fortune by inventing dynamite and other explosives. However, he was a pacifist and was bothered by the destructiveness of his invention. That's why he gave his money away to people's who work benefited mankind, so began the Nobel Prizes. Each year at Stockholm Concert Hall, the gold medals along with millions of dollars are awarded in the fields of physics, chemistry, medicine or physiology, literature, and economics. The Peace Prize is awarded in a separate ceremony in Oslo, Norway. Well, yesterday, the Peace was shattered when Vic the Slick stole into Stockholm and pilfered the Prizes. Theses medals of merit are hanging around his knavish neck as if they were just junk jewelry. Gumshoes, you must nick Vic the Slick, bring the Nobels back to Stockholm, and then manacle that maniacal mastermind Carmen Sandiego.

Carmen, babe, these prize medals look great on me. Real class.

Vic, you wouldn't know real class if it hit you in the face with a gym sock. Now, listen. Go to a money museum in a federal reserve bank.

Hey, sounds great.

It has all kinds of cash on display. Like some of the first coins ever minted, and a block of tea that was once used as currency. It's in a former capital of the Confederate States of America, and hide those medals, or ACME will be on you like that cheap suit.

Hey, I pay top dollar for this suit.

No way!

You're kidding! What'd-- What did he say?!

We're goin' to Europe!

Chief! We're goin' to Europe!

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's troop of tricky transgressors has struck again. This time, they pilfered a peak between Nepal and Tibet. The Himalayan Mountains are home to nine of the world's ten tallest peaks, and the highest of them all is Mount Everest. Named after British surveyor Sir George Everest, this mountain's 29,028-foot height is the ultimate challenge for climbers. Recorded attempts to reach the top of Mount Everest began in 1921, but it wasn't done until 1953 by Sir Edmund Hillary, an Englishman who was once a beekeeper, and Tenzing Norgay of the Sherpas, a people native to the Himalaya. But now, the sight of this towering peak is a gaping crater. Kneemoi, Carmen's space-trucking troublemaker, has stolen Mount Everest. She says her planet Roddenberry needs a ski resort. Your mission, gumshoes: evict Kneemoi from Everest, return the peak to its place, and then bring Carmen Sandiego to justice.

Chief

(after Kneemoi's profile) She's an extra sneaky, extra crafty, extra extraterrestrial.

Okay, Gumshoes. For our next clue, we turn to ACME Celeb Net agent LeVar Burton. LeVar, what's the latest?

Greg, I've tracked some tricky aliens around the galaxy, but no one as slippery as Kneemoi. She has stashed Mt. Everest in a trench. Not a land trench. This one's on the ocean. Located in the North Pacific, it forms one of the deepest parts of any ocean on earth. It's about 7 miles down, so if Kneemoi put Everest on the bottom, its peak would be about a mile and a half below the water's surface. Wow, that's what I call being in over your head. Go get 'em.

'Kay, thanks a lot, LeVar.

Head for a town on the California coast. It was a setting for John Steinbeck's great novel Cannery Row.

Canary Row? He wrote about little birds in cages?

Not canaries. Canneries! Factories where they put fish into cans. Steinbeck wrote about the poor homeless men who worked in them, but the place has changed a lot. The canneries are gone and some of the most expensive real estate on earth is nearby.

Oh. Just one more question.

What?

How did the fish breathe inside those little cans?

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's failance of felonious flimflammers has struck again. This time, They've pinched a plane in Vietnam. Ho Chi Minh City, still widely known by its former name Saigon, is home to Vietnam's Military Museum. The museum is a tribute to victory after a long history of occupation. This Southeast Asian country outlasted four major military powers: China, Japan, France, and the U.S.A., finally unifying in 1976 when the last Americans left. One of the Military Museum's proudest showpieces is a captured F-5 Freedom Fighter Jet, complete with a loaded 20-millimeter nose gun. Well, the gun is gone, guys, and so is the plane. It's attached to Robocrook. Carmen's mechanical marauder crept into the cockpit, revved the engines, and took off. Your mission, gumshoes: deplane Robocrook, return the jet to Ho Chi Minh City, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

Chief, what's with the fruit here?

Chief

Greg, is this one of your practical jokes?

No, Chief! No way! You made me promise, no more practical jokes after that disaster with the hair dryer and the 9 ferrets.

Chief

Ooh! Then it must be Carmen Sandiego who's behind this! (laughs like a maniac) Well! If this is the way she wants it, I'm going to fight fire with fire!

Or melons with melons!

Robo, those ACME agents are closing in. Head for an African capital located on a large river called the Zaire.

Affirmative. It's in a country that's also called Zaire. Was the river named after the country?

No, it's the other way around. Zaire is the Portuguese version of a Kikongo word that means large river.

So, the country called Large River is on a large river that's called Large River? That is very logical. What is the meaning of Kikongo?

It's one of the national languages spoken in Zaire, but the official language is French because it was once a Belgian colony.

Orders received. I'm on my way.

(each time the Freedom Fighter Jet is revealed in the 2nd round)

WHOA!!! WHOA!!! Oh, my goodness!

(singing) Robocrook! YOU'VE WON!! (sings their fanfare)

(races to Ricky, pushing him back to his podium) Wait! Wait! (laughs) Go back and... some of this! (Ricky finishes getting confetti) There you go. Now come over here. (he and Ricky walk up to the chain)

Chief

This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? and remember: We're on the case like fleas on Lassie, with better ratings than Degrassi.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's ring of rabble-rousing rapscallions has struck again. This time, they burgled bones from the National Museum of Ethiopia in Addis Ababa. In 1974, paleoanthropologists digging in Ethiopia uncovered uncovered the oldest and most complete skeleton of an early human. It was a female about three and a half feet tall and 25 years old if you don't count the 3 million years she's been dead. Her discoverer has called her Lucy because they we're listening to the Beatles song "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" when they found her. But now, Lucy's skeleton hangs in Top Grunge's closet. That skid marked scallywag cycled onto the site, disguised Lucy as a biker, then drove her away. Your mission, gumshoes: fracture Top Grunge's evil plans, bring back Lucy's bones, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

Tres! Cuatro!

Grunge loves Lucy, and there they went.

Oh, won't you please give ol' Lucy a great, big, beautiful sponge...

BATH!!!

Rockapella, ladies and gentlemen, if you will, please!

Hello?

Hello. Greg, Dennis Miller. Look, I've got a little message for you and your puttyboots, pal.

They're Gumshoes.

I don't care if their horseshoes, cha-cha. Okay? Listen. There's a pan-global kleptomaniac in a slouch hat running around out there, and it's time you did something about it. I know trilobytes who are closer to... catching Carmen Sandiego than you. You're lurals are creasing, Greggo. It's time to stop resting on them, pal. (hangs up)

Nice guy. Dennis Miller, my good buddy. (hangs up the phone)

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her flock of fleecing flunkies have done it again. This time, they put the whammy on Wiltshire, England. Around 4,000 years ago, ancient people built the circle of huge slabs called Stonehenge. No one knows who they were or what they were doing, but at certain times of the year, the position of the stones line up with the rising and the setting of the sun and the moon. So Stonehenge may have been an astronomical calendar or maybe an ancient observatory. But today, it fell into the metallic mist of Robocrook. He stole every pebble of the monument and stomped off across Salisbury Plain. Gumshoes, you've got to bring in Robocrook, bring back Stonehenge, and then bring an end to the career of Carmen Sandiego.

Chief

(on phone) Greg, please come into my office.

Yes, ma'mm. I'll be right there. (her phone starts ringing) You guys stay here. I'm gonna-- I'm gonna check with her. I gotta catch the phone. (enters the office where he discovers that she is missing) Yeah, Chief? Chief! Well, the Chief isn't here, but I better answer this phone. (clears throat and picks it up) ACME Crime Net!

Chief

This is your Chief.

Oh, hi, Chief! Where are ya now?

Chief

I am unavailable, due to classified business. I have left these taped voicemail instructions. Please dial 1 to continue.

Voicemail! I love voicemail. All right. (he dials 1, then looks at the Chief's papers) What's this?

Chief

Please do not touch my papers! Listen up!

(puts down the Chief's papers) Yeah.

Chief

1st question: How close are you to catching Carmen Sandiego?

Oh, I guess that would be 3. (he dials 3)

Chief

Well, I'm not surprised. 2nd question: How should we encourage the Gumshoes to work harder?

Hmm... Ah! That's a tough choice. I'm gonna go with 3. (he dials 3 again)

Chief

Thank you. Inform the Gumshoes. 3rd question: How should I terminate our discussion?

Ooh! Uh, I'm gonna go, uh, 3-amundo! (he dials 3 again)

Chief

I thought you'd choose that one. Greg, go away. (disappointed, Greg hangs up)

You know, I don't need her. I'll dial Information. I'll get Gladys' number myself. That's no problem. (he dials Information and picks up the receiver)

(on phone) Hello. Information.

Uh, yeah. Calling for Gladys.

Gladys Who?

The Chief's gorgeous cousin.

Who's calling?

This is Greg.

Greg?

Yeah?

Go away. (the phone clicks, and Greg hangs up and exits the office)

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's throng of thorny thugs has speed again. This time, the wrangled a raveled road in San Francisco. The Guinness Book of World Records says that San Francisco's Lombard Street is the crookedest street in the world. The Lombard Street S-curves were built on San Francisco's Russian Hills in the 1920s. Back then, the switchbacks allowed cars and horse-drawn carriages to safely get down the treacherous slope. These days, Lombard's a big tourist attraction and the view from the top is quite a thrill. But now, this crooked street has been crooked. Vic the Slick, driving a souped up street sweeper, swept it up and swiped it. Your mission, gumshoes: outtrick Vic, return Lombard Street to San Francisco, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

(hears pounding coming from the alley) Wait a minute, something's goin' on in here. Let's, uh, go find out what it is. I'm not sure exactly. (enters the alley) Hey!

What?!

HEY!!

WHAT?!!

WHAT'S THE WORD ON THE STREET!?!?!

(stops pounding) Hey, man, you don't hafta yell. Greg, the Word on the Street is "industria". That means "industry" in Spanish. Now, industry's growin' really fast in Mexico, and Vic's in a city where about a quarter of all of Mexico's factories are located and they get their power through big natural gas pipeline that runs into the city from nearby Texas. (he and the rest of Rockapella resume pounding)

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

What?!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

WHAT?!

I just, uh-- I just wanted to say thank you,... because courtesy still counts around here, Mister.

How do you feel, Greg?

I feel GOOD!

Yes, sir! Oh, yes!

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her troop of troublesome tricksters have tried it again. This time, they crashed the Caribbean. Throughout most of the Caribbean and South America, the ancient tradition of Carnival is alive and well. The practice goes back to early days of Christianity. Just before the solemn season of Lent, everyone gets together and has one last big party. One of the best places to see the celebration of color, costume, and calypso is in Trinidad and Tobago. The people of this island nation take their fun seriously. Plans for next year's bash start almost as soon as this year's rebels have finished and all that planning and perspiration pays off in a two-day panoramic display of joy, imagination, and artistry. Or it did until Double Trouble, those pernicious party pouncers, dove into the festival and drove off with it. Gumshoes, your mission is to do in those double negatives, cruise the Carnival back to Trinidad and Tobago, and then catch Carmen Sandiego.

Dance all night and eat all day. Say no more, we're on our way!

Zip that infernal chatter!

Mrs. Pumpkinclanger obviously has a bee in her bonnet. Gotta go talk to her again. Sorry, are we buggin' you again, Ms. P?

Again?! Try "constantly"! Those terrible twins are in a festival for the birthday of the monkey god. On a small island of the tip of the Melee Peninsula. It's quite a scene. Chinese mystics who claim to be possessed by the monkey god filling good trans and pills there tongues and teeth would spill. It's all good clean fun and everyone enjoys themselves. Now, go apprehend that dreadful duo, and leave me in peace! Please!

Okay. Often wonder what Mr. Pumpkinclanger's life must be like. Haven't you?

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's gang of goons have glommed again. This time, it happened in our nation's capital, Washington, D.C. The Supreme Court is the highest level of the judicial branch of government for the United States. It has final say in matters of constitutional law. The court includes a Chief Justice and eight Associate Justices. They're appointed by the president, confirmed by the Senate, and served until they decide to retire. Now since they don't run for office, they can make decisions without worrying about what voters might think. But yesterday, in an attempt to impress her social studies teacher, Patty Larceny swiped the court, Justices and all. This brazen bib for brownie points must not go unpunished. Your mission: put Patty in the pin, save the Supremes, and then catch Carmen Sandiego.

It's now time for our second clue. So, listen very closely. This one comes in now-- We turn to a gal who is presently choreographing Madonna's next world tour. Nana Rap, whatcha got for us?

Word to the gumshoes, Gregmeister. Let's rock the house! (rock music plays)

Nana Rap, ladies and gentlemen!

Convene that court and move out fast. Head for a nation where King Hammurabi once ruled.

Sure, Carmen. That was part of ancient Mesopotamia. It's where they created writing, and... and the wheel, and the 60-minute hour, and...

And unfortunately for us, Patty, they created one of the first systems of law. Its main principle was the strong shall not injure the weak. Ha! Can you imagine?

Gee, Carmen, how did you ever learn so much about the law?

I make it a point to know my enemies.

Rat, that Yeti is drawing too much attention. Head for the Atlantic Coast of the United States. Hide out in Grover's Mill, a small town east of Princeton.

Aw, don't send me to the states, Carmen.

You'll like it. The place is famous for a big media hoax. It happened on Halloween Eve in 1938. People were listening to their radios when they heard a report that space creatures were invading near Grover's Mill.

Gee, I didn't know Kneemoi hung out in the Garden State.

It wasn't Kneemoi. It was a radio drama, but lots of people thought it was true and panicked.

Geez, if I could get that kind of attention, just think. Newspapers, magazines, CNN--

FBI, criminal court, jail.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll stay outta sight.

Tahare, we're gonna start with you. You have 75 crime bucks. How much did you risk?

(reveals his wager) I risked 50.

50 crime bucks. What'd ya say?

(reveals his answer) I said the Aegean Sea.

Sorry. It is not the Aegean Sea.

(sings to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon") Puff the Magic Yeti!

Chief

The is Lynne Thigpen speaking for "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" and remember, stealing never grants your wishes. You end up washing jailhouse dishes. (Due to a factual error in this game, Tahare Campbell has been invited to play a new game in our next season.)