André quotes from Victorious

Cat

Ooooh! What if we act out the final scene from Titanic? When the boat sinks? ...Oh my God, I just gave away the ending. Spoiler alert. (laughs)

André

You know, whenever she starts talking, I think to myself "Maybe this time it'll make sense." I'm always wrong.

Tori

(after the Northridge girls help her plug her phone in) Yay. My phone came on.

Yay. My phone came on.

Tori

Aw, man.

Aw, man.

André

You got the Talking Reggie app?

You got the Talking Reggie app?

Tori

Yes... (she tries to shut it off)

Yes...

Jade

Turn it off.

Tori

Shut...up. (presses more buttons)

Shut...up. (Tori sighs)

André

Just buy yourself another Pearphone GX.

Tori

No, if I buy another GX, they're (everyone joins Tori) gonna announce the XT the next day, and then everyone will have a new XT and I'll be stuck with the stupid GX.

I'm so sick of hearing that.

Tori

Well, there's no need for you guys to mock me simultaneously.

Tori

Oh! Great, it's-it's you guys!

Beck

See? They're all here. I told you, they'd all be here.

Tori

Listen, I am sorry that we didn't invite you guys to play, but, uh-

Beck

Tell her why you didn't invite us to play.

Tori

Well...cause...we were...planning your surprise party...?

Jade

What?!

André

Alright! We didn't invite you guys to play because you two are always screaming at each other, and it makes everybody feel awkward, it makes Cat faint, and sometimes it makes Robbie cry!

Robbie

One time! I cried one time!

Six.

Robbie

Six times!

Beck

See?! We fight so much, even our friends don't want us around!

Jade

Tori's not my friend, I only tolerate Robbie, no one likes Trina, and Cat's basically a pet.

Cat

Arf!

Trina

Are you guys gonna let her say that nobody likes me?! (Beck and Jade both turn to Tori then back)

Tori

So...why don't you guys play cards with us. (touches Jade's arm then walks to the table)

Beck

Look, I-I don't want to be your boyfriend if we're just gonna fight all the time.

Jade

So you wanna break up?

Beck

No, I-I didn't say that. I'm just saying...

Trina

You guys might break up? Because I'm not dating anyone, and I always thought Beck and I would make the perfect- (Jade throws a pillow at her, and she stands shocked)

Jade

Next time it's a hammer! C'mon, Beck, take me to get some food.

Beck

I'm tired of fighting.

Jade

Ok. I'm gonna walk out that door, and I'm gonna count to ten.

Cat

Don't forget three. (everyone looks at her) Some people forget it.

Jade

If I get to 10 and you're not out there, I'm going home… and we're over. [Jade goes outside] 1!

Trina

(while touching Beck seductively) I would never fight with you.

Jade

2… 3… [Cat claps] 4… [Beck heads to the door] 5… [Trina follows Beck to stop him] 6… [Trina jumps on Beck and pins him down]

Tori

TRINA! [Tori, André, Robbie and Cat go to Trina]

Trina

Just give me a chance!

Beck

Stop!

Trina

Just give me a chance!

Beck

Get OFF! NO!(André and Robbie pull Trina off of Beck)

Trina

I'm a really fun girl... (Robbie pins Trina)

Beck

(to Trina) No! You're not!

Trina

(while holding Beck's leg) ...And so good looking!

Beck

Stop! What are you doing?! Stop! (Beck stands up and goes to the door)

Jade

7… (Beck holds the doorknob and stops) 8… (Beck looks at Trina, who is pointing at herself and winking) 9… (André, Cat and Tori glare at one another) 10! (Jade stops while Beck is still inside, holding the doorknob. Jade goes to the door, but steps back and leaves. Inside, Beck lets go of the doorknob while he hears Jade's car leaving)

Beck

Let's play some cards.

Tori

(sadly) Yeah, let's play… (everybody goes to the table to play cards)

Cat

I'll pick up the cards.

André

Make sure you get all 52.

Cat

KK. 1, 2, (forgets three) 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11... (Trina sits beside Beck and lies her head on his shoulder)

Sikowitz

So, the lowest level of the globe theater was reserved for "the groundlings" who were the lower class people who came out to enjoy...

Tori

(comes into Sikowitz's class) YOU GUYS! I'M SORRY I'M LATE, BUT MY MOM... SLAMMED MY HEAD IN THE CAR DOOR! (holds a round case with a red top on her hand, and breaks down crying. After a few seconds of silence, she stands on her knees and holds her hands out) April Fools! (laughs and stands up) Yeah!

Jade

What are you, five years old?

André

(shrugs) Really.

Tori

But... today's April Fools' Day!

Robbie

We really don't care.

Beck

April Fools' Day is kind of for, you know, little kids...

André

That's how we all feel. (he holds his hands out, and Beck and Robbie slap them in agreement)

Tori

But... this school is full of creative people! I-I thought for sure April Fools' Day would be a big deal here.

Cat

(stands up and yells) WELL, IT'S NOT! OKAY, TORI?! SO, JUST SHUT YOUR FACE AND LET MR. BELDING TEACH!

Thank you, Zack. (Cat sits back down angrily) Now, as Screech was saying, a world without pants is like a donut.

Beck

(laughs) Yes! Yes! YES.

Tori

Oh, come on! No one here is into April Fools? (Mr. Belding tackles her to the floor and takes her purse) WHOA! Okay. Uh... (Mr. Belding runs out of the room)

André

Tori! Tori! Did you hear, did you hear the news?!

Tori

What? What happened?

André

It's war. It's war, Tori, it's war!

Tori

(points at him shocked) Is it Switzerland?

André

(grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her) Will you forget about the war?! We're gonna have a pop quiz!

Tori

But... you just said that--

André

It's true, I tell you! I just heard it from two boys in the bathroom! At the urinal. We're gonna have a pop quiz! A pop quiz is going down, Tori!

Tori

Oh... my god, I hate pop quizzes!

André

(grabs her and shakes her in the air) HOW CAN YOU THINK ABOUT A POP QUIZ WHEN WE'RE AT WAR?! It's war, Tori! It's war! (puts her down) I gotta go recycle some aluminum. (starts running) Ah. Oh, say can you see...? (his leg gets hit) --AAHHHH! (Tori gasps) AH, I'M HIT! ARROW! (falls down the stairs) AHHH! AHHH! Ow! I got hit in the leg by a swiss arrow. DANG THIS CURSED WAR! (2 Congress-like men come in and drag him away)

Robbie

Tori! Tori! I'm running in with big news! Tori!

It's him!

Tori

What's the big news?

Robbie

The Beverly Hills volcano is about to erupt!

André

What?

Robbie

In three and a half minutes, this whole school is gonna be covered in hot lava!

Tori

We only have three and a half minutes?

André

(pounds his fist on the table) The same amount of time as a commercial break.

Tori

What do we do?

Robbie

(grabs Tori's arm) I say we kiss.

André

Okay, c'mere.

Robbie

Not you! (to Tori) You. Kiss me, Tori. I want my last three and a half minutes to be spent with my face... smushed against your face.

Tori

Are there any other ideas?

Robbie

Tori, please!

Tori

Okay. (the two lean in to kiss, and the screen freezes)

Stay tuned for the second half of Victorious... or don't. I get paid either way.

...And now, we continue with the exciting second half of Victorious. Press Play. (Tori's about to kiss Robbie, but Beck comes rushing in)

Beck

Tori, Andre. Have you heard? Have you heard the news?

Robbie

Later!

Tori

What news?

Robbie

I already told you! The Beverly Hills volcano is about to erupt! Now, kiss me.

Beck

No, no, the NEW news!

André

What NEW news?

Beck

The Beverly Hills volcano has retired and moved to Florida. So, it's probably NOT gonna spew hot lava all over Hollywood Arts! (everyone cheers)

Robbie

Wait! I just heard we're about to be attacked by killer butterflies! (everyone moans)

Beck

Wait! Sinjin has 2 big jugs of anti-butterfly spray! (everyone cheers again, but Sinjin is seen drinking the spray)

Sinjin

But I drank them! (everyone moans again)

André

(holding up an apple) Wait, I'm not gonna eat this apple! So, you guys can all share it! (everyone cheers again, Tori's phone then goes off)

Tori

WAIT! I just got a text that says that apples make your hair fall out! (everyone moans again)

Sikowitz

What's done is done. (eats an apple out of a bowl of them)

Sikowitz

And your question is... Dumb Debbie was so dumb.

HOW DUMB WAS SHE?

Sikowitz

She was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools... blank.

Sikowitz

Okay, Tori. Dumb Debbie was so dumb. She didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...

Tori

...Day.

Sikowitz

Day. Mm-hmm. Day. Well, let's see if you match anybody. (clears throat) André!

André

Roses are red, storm clouds are gray. Debbie's so dumb, she didn't realize it was April Fools... (takes his card and turns it over) Lobster. (a buzzer rings, and a lobster comes out near the entrance and charges towards Tori)

Tori

That's the lobster! AAH! (the lobster pushes her to the ground, rubs her butt and slaps her back before running off)

Sikowitz

All right now, get up! (she does) Jade, what's your answer?

Jade

Well I figured she was so dumb... she thought April 1st was April Fools... (turns her card over) Berry! (buzzer rings again) That's a thing! Right, April Fools Berry? That's a thing!

Robbie

Oh, you're a thing. A foul beast of a thing! (everyone else laughs as the lobster comes back)

Tori

No no no. No no no, it is not my fault that she said berry! (the lobster places her on the floor as she flails. He then slaps her butt again and runs off)

Sikowitz

Alright, upsie daisy! (Tori gets back up) Robbie.

Robbie

Yes yes, what is it Sikowitz?

Sikowitz

Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...

Robbie

(turns his card over) Foot. (buzzer, the crowd boos) Oh, shut up, you people. I WAS ON BROADWAY!

Sikowitz

Cat, your turn.

Cat

Wait, the lobster forgot to push Tori down!

Sikowitz

OH, yes!

Tori

Cat, why would you remind him?! (the lobster charges at Tori) Okay, n-n-no. See, see, I was-- (the lobster grabs Tori and places her to the ground as she flails. He then flexes and runs off)

Sikowitz

Will you GET UP?! (she does) Cat! Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools... blank.

Cat

I said... (turns her card over) 'Blank!' (buzzer)

Sikowitz

Uh, Cat, I said blank.

Cat

(laughs) I love President Ford!

Sikowitz

We're not gonna bring the lobster out for that one. (Tori pats him on the back) Uh, Beck!

Beck

(in garbled accent) Well, I'm sorry, Doc and I was starving, so I said... (turns his card over) Onion rings. (buzzer, the lobster comes through the entrance)

Tori

No. I know. (faints. The lobster then leaves)

Sikowitz

(laughs) Okay! One last chance. Your sister. Trina.

Tori

Come on, Trina!

Trina

Well, I said... (reveals her card) '...Cut to the next scene!'. (scene cuts to the Vegas' house where Tori waves her arms weirdly)

Tori

Oh, your stupid card brought us to this scene! You cost me $5,000!

Trina

But I want an Oompa Loompa now!

Tori

You can't HAVE an Oompa Loompa--

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Tori

It's not my birthday.

TOUCHDOWN!

Tori

There's no football game.

WHERE'S THE BEEF!?

Tori

Okay, kids won't get that reference. And... it's April Fools Day!

Cat

You guys. You guys, have either of you seen Jade?

Beck

Uh uh.

André

No, why, what's up with Jade?

Cat

She's trying to kill me.

Beck

Any reason?

Cat

We were hanging out together last night and she asked me to do her eyebrows.

André

Do what to 'em?

Cat

Make them look neater and nicer. Girls do that. We groom each other like monkeys.

Beck

So, why is Jade trying to kill you?

Cat

Well...

Jade

[screams] WHERE IS SHE?! [Cat screams and Jade runs after her] [Sinjin plays his saxophone in a fast tempo to fit in with the chase] Stop her! Somebody stop Cat right now!

Cat

Hide me.

Jade

Come here!

Cat

Please hide me!

Jade

No! Come here! Stop. Come here!

Cat

Oh, hide me!

Jade

Don't touch him! (Cat tries to hide behind Sinjin)

Cat

HIDE ME!

Jade

COME HERE!

Lane

What do you... Stop! Jade, stop. Relax.(Catchs her and holds her)

André

What was that about?

Beck

Why are you so mad at Cat?

Jade

[reveals herself that her eyebrows have been shaved off] Don't... say... a word.

Robbie

Um... I think you look nice with no eyebrows.

Cat

Jade, I just wanna say... I really appreciate you having lunch with us, and thank you, André and Beck, for handcuffing Jade to the table.

André

Sure.

Beck

No problem.

Robbie

I still don't get how this happened.

Cat

Well, Jade asked me to make her eyebrows look nice. So I tried to wax them, but when I took the wax strips off, there was... Um... a problem.

Jade

My eyebrows are gone.

Cat

No, they're not. I told you, they're right here! (holds up the wax strips with Jade's eyebrows on them)

Jade

AAH!!

Beck

Whoa! Whoa!

Jade

AAH! COME HERE, YOU!

Beck

Jade, whoa whoa. Watch it.

Cat

Someone...

André

Don't do that. What are you... stop it.

André

Hey! Cut it out! Hey!

Sikowitz

You girls knock it off.

Jade

I'll get you.

Cat

I don't wanna be gotten.

Tori

Ah-ha!

What?

Beck

Excuse me, what's your name?

Linda.

Beck

That is Linda.

Tori

Yeah, sure. Linda the liar, that is Ponnie.

André

You said Ponnie had brown hair.

Tori

She's in disguise... [whispers loudly] ...That's Ponnie in disguise!

I just need $23.

Tori

Uh, okay you guys go do whatever...and I'm gonna have a chat with "Linda".