(back at the mansion, Robbie and Jade fix the guitar while Beck and Cat talk to the window repair company worker)
BeckThanks for fixing the window.
Yeah. And we didn't even notice your lack of hair. (the worker leaves as Cat waves)
Beck
Guitar all good up there?
Yeah! And look. You can't even see where it broke.
Yay! My mom's boss will never know anything bad happen!
(picks up the skull) Whoa! Is this a real human skull?
Yeah. Give it, so I can put it back.
(gets the skull) Robbie, give it to me. (Jade and Robbie start to fight about the skull)
Robbie! We don't have time!
Fine! (Jade drops the skull)
(the skull falls on the glass table, breaking it. Cat gasps. At the same time, the guitar swings and destroys a lamp. Cat yelps and starts to cry)
Zip up your pants! (Robbie does so)
(clicks the buzzer) Hello?
GMr. Gibbons
Cat. It's Carl Gibbons. I forgot my key, would you buzz me in?
GMr. Gibbons
Could you buzz me in?
Um. Sure I could. Or maybe you could go to Europe for two weeks.
GMr. Gibbons
Cat, buzz me in.
(Cat does so) Kay-kay. (Cat sobs)
Beck
When he gets up here, we'll just explain that–
(an earthquake hits the mansion)
Beck
[grabs Cat] OKAY, EVERYBODY DOWN!!! COVER YOUR HEADS!!!
(Beck covers Cat and himself, Robbie hides under a small table and Jade protects herself with a pillow while the dog barks loudly. The earthquake partially destroys the mansion. The scene cuts to Nozu where the earthquake also hits. Tori hides under the round table along with the other guests.)
Everybody get down! I don't have insurance!
HHope
Protect my birthday presents! Somebody protect my– (a giant sign falls on her head, knocking her out. The earthquake stops and everybody stares at a moaning Hope. Andre then smiles.)
Beck
Will you tell this punk-nut that you like me?
Beck
Trina... made chicken for me!
Don't you listen to her, she made a turkey! Why would you wanna date a Canadian that doesn't know one food bird from another?!
I have an idea. Um, how about the three of us eat the turkey together?
Beck
No. You pick him or you pick me!
Or maybe I'll pick you up and toss you right out that door!
Beck
(grabs him by the shirt) Oh, I would love to see you try!
Trina? (he is seen at the door with flowers) Trina, I brought you these... (sniffs) Did someone microwave a turkey?
Beck
Who are those flowers for?
Well, I heard the boys in the locker room say that Beck asked you out so I thought I'd ask you, too. (Andre grabs a shovel and tries to hit Robbie, who screams and runs while Beck and Andre chase him)
Beck
Trina wants me, not you idiots! (the three boys start to fight. Andre lifts Robbie up and shakes him. Beck then punches Andre in the face)
Boys, don't fight over me! Boys, come on! (Andre punches Beck back. Beck goes to Trina and holds her as Robbie throws the flowers to Andre, who retaliates by throwing him in the ground and preparing to hit him with a kettle)
Beck
Andre, no!
[tries to escape, but cannot because Beck holds her tight] Beck!
Beck
Don't go! [Andre repeatedly hits Robbie with the kettle] It's disgusting!
DAD, COME QUICK! THEY'RE KILLING EACH OTHER! [gets out of Beck's clutches, then runs into the garage, sobbing. The boys stop fighting and run behind the couch while laughing, implying that the whole thing was just a joke. Trina then pulls David out of the garage] And then Andre started hitting Robbie with a– [notices the boys are gone] Tea... kettle...
[notices the boys at the couch with puppets] What's going on?
We're doing a puppet show.
Beck
[in a British accent] I am the king.
[in a high voice] I am the queen.
And I'm the little pussy cat. Mow.
But they were just...I swear I saw them in there, they were just... urgh!
Just... promise me when you go to college, it'll be some place far, far away. (leaves)
Beck
[in a British accent] Trina, did you learn your lesson?
[in a high voice] About telling lies?
Meow! [he, Robbie and Beck joyfully jump on the couch in circles and leave the house]
You see, every time I cast a new play, you get your panties in a pretzel. So this time, you people will choose your own roles. (brings box of paper slips to Andre) Andre, pick a role.
(reading off card) "Tommy, ten year old twin brother of Carter."
(makes airplane noise and goes to Beck) Beck, pick a role.
Beck
(reading off card) "Carter, ten year old twin brother of Tommy." I guess we're twins.
Then Mama's got some explaining to do.
(makes airplane noise and goes to Jade) Jade, pick a role.
(reading off card) "Nancy, loving wife of astronaut Walter Swain."
(Robbie attempts to pick a role, but Sikowitz makes another airplane noise and goes to Tori) Tori.
(reading off card) "Astronaut Walter Swain.........husband of Nancy...."
I'm supposed to play her wife?
I'll just pick another card!
(during the rehearsal of the play. Jade, in-character, is seen crying as both Andre and Beck, also in-character, are in front of her)
Beck
You seem awfully upset.
Don't you understand? Your father's an astronaut. It's his dream to walk on the moon but now that might never happen because of his narcolepsy!
Beck
What's narcolepsy?
It's when you're always falling asleep even when you're not tired.
(to Sinjin) Car door sound effect! (Sinjin clicks a button where it's being followed by a sound of a car alarm stopping)
(stands up, along with Beck and Andre) Oh, I just heard your father's car. Now, boys, no matter how narcoleptic he is, you pretend you don't notice. (notices Beck holding her apron) Don't touch Mommy. (pulls Beck's hand off her apron. After that, Tori, wearing a mustache and male clothes, enters)
(in a man voice) Nancy, boys, I'm home.
Beck
Hi there, dad.
(to Andre) Hello, Car--- (since Tori's character has narcolepsy, she falls on the sofa and passes out)
Oh. It's all right, boys. It's all right now. (comes to Tori) Honey. Honey. (Tori suddenly gets up)
I'M UP! I'M UP! (to Beck) So, Tommy. How was school today?
Beck
(his and Andre's characters are twins) I'm Carter.
Ahh!! What kind of father am I?! I'm so darn narcoleptic I can't even tell my own twin sons apart.
It's not your fault they're identical. Look at them. (both Tori and Jade look at Beck and Andre)
Nancy, you're so--- (for another time, Tori passes out and falls in front of Jade)
Ahh.. Ooh.. Sweetheart! Darling!
No. No, you were saying I'm so?
Right, uh, you're so good, gentle. How can you love a sleepy loser like me?
You are no sleepy loser. You are an astronaut.
(the rehearsal ends) Eh, no you don't! Light a candle, Burf. This play stinks!
BBurf
I don't have a candle.
Then get a better haircut!
Shake it off, Burf. He's just in a mood.
So, the lowest level of the globe theater was reserved for "the groundlings" who were the lower class people who came out to enjoy...
(comes into Sikowitz's class) YOU GUYS! I'M SORRY I'M LATE, BUT MY MOM... SLAMMED MY HEAD IN THE CAR DOOR! (holds a round case with a red top on her hand, and breaks down crying. After a few seconds of silence, she stands on her knees and holds her hands out) April Fools! (laughs and stands up) Yeah!
What are you, five years old?
But... today's April Fools' Day!
Beck
April Fools' Day is kind of for, you know, little kids...
That's how we all feel. (he holds his hands out, and Beck and Robbie slap them in agreement)
But... this school is full of creative people! I-I thought for sure April Fools' Day would be a big deal here.
(stands up and yells) WELL, IT'S NOT! OKAY, TORI?! SO, JUST SHUT YOUR FACE AND LET MR. BELDING TEACH!
BMr. Belding
Thank you, Zack. (Cat sits back down angrily) Now, as Screech was saying, a world without pants is like a donut.
Beck
(laughs) Yes! Yes! YES.
Oh, come on! No one here is into April Fools? (Mr. Belding tackles her to the floor and takes her purse) WHOA! Okay. Uh... (Mr. Belding runs out of the room)
(after commercial)
...And now, we continue with the exciting second half of Victorious. Press Play. (Tori's about to kiss Robbie, but Beck comes rushing in)
Beck
Tori, Andre. Have you heard? Have you heard the news?
I already told you! The Beverly Hills volcano is about to erupt! Now, kiss me.
Beck
No, no, the NEW news!
Beck
The Beverly Hills volcano has retired and moved to Florida. So, it's probably NOT gonna spew hot lava all over Hollywood Arts! (everyone cheers)
Wait! I just heard we're about to be attacked by killer butterflies! (everyone moans)
Beck
Wait! Sinjin has 2 big jugs of anti-butterfly spray! (everyone cheers again, but Sinjin is seen drinking the spray)
But I drank them! (everyone moans again)
(holding up an apple) Wait, I'm not gonna eat this apple! So, you guys can all share it! (everyone cheers again, Tori's phone then goes off)
WAIT! I just got a text that says that apples make your hair fall out! (everyone moans again)
What's done is done. (eats an apple out of a bowl of them)
And your question is... Dumb Debbie was so dumb.
CBCat, Beck, André, Robbie, Jade and Trina
HOW DUMB WAS SHE?
She was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools... blank.
(Later, after the others have filled in their answers)
Okay, Tori. Dumb Debbie was so dumb. She didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...
Day. Mm-hmm. Day. Well, let's see if you match anybody. (clears throat) André!
Roses are red, storm clouds are gray. Debbie's so dumb, she didn't realize it was April Fools... (takes his card and turns it over) Lobster. (a buzzer rings, and a lobster comes out near the entrance and charges towards Tori)
That's the lobster! AAH! (the lobster pushes her to the ground, rubs her butt and slaps her back before running off)
All right now, get up! (she does) Jade, what's your answer?
Well I figured she was so dumb... she thought April 1st was April Fools... (turns her card over) Berry! (buzzer rings again) That's a thing! Right, April Fools Berry? That's a thing!
Oh, you're a thing. A foul beast of a thing! (everyone else laughs as the lobster comes back)
No no no. No no no, it is not my fault that she said berry! (the lobster places her on the floor as she flails. He then slaps her butt again and runs off)
Alright, upsie daisy! (Tori gets back up) Robbie.
Yes yes, what is it Sikowitz?
Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...
(turns his card over) Foot. (buzzer, the crowd boos) Oh, shut up, you people. I WAS ON BROADWAY!
Wait, the lobster forgot to push Tori down!
Cat, why would you remind him?! (the lobster charges at Tori) Okay, n-n-no. See, see, I was-- (the lobster grabs Tori and places her to the ground as she flails. He then flexes and runs off)
Will you GET UP?! (she does) Cat! Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools... blank.
I said... (turns her card over) 'Blank!' (buzzer)
(laughs) I love President Ford!
We're not gonna bring the lobster out for that one. (Tori pats him on the back) Uh, Beck!
Beck
(in garbled accent) Well, I'm sorry, Doc and I was starving, so I said... (turns his card over) Onion rings. (buzzer, the lobster comes through the entrance)
No. I know. (faints. The lobster then leaves)
(laughs) Okay! One last chance. Your sister. Trina.
Well, I said... (reveals her card) '...Cut to the next scene!'. (scene cuts to the Vegas' house where Tori waves her arms weirdly)
Oh, your stupid card brought us to this scene! You cost me $5,000!
But I want an Oompa Loompa now!
You can't HAVE an Oompa Loompa--
EEveryone
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
There's no football game.
EEveryone
WHERE'S THE BEEF!?
Okay, kids won't get that reference. And... it's April Fools Day!
You guys. You guys, have either of you seen Jade?
Beck
Uh uh.
No, why, what's up with Jade?
Beck
Any reason?
We were hanging out together last night and she asked me to do her eyebrows.
Make them look neater and nicer. Girls do that. We groom each other like monkeys.
Beck
So, why is Jade trying to kill you?
[screams] WHERE IS SHE?! [Cat screams and Jade runs after her] [Sinjin plays his saxophone in a fast tempo to fit in with the chase] Stop her! Somebody stop Cat right now!
No! Come here! Stop. Come here!
Don't touch him! (Cat tries to hide behind Sinjin)
[Lane, who enters the hall, stops Jade and Cat runs to Beck and André]
What do you... Stop! Jade, stop. Relax.(Catchs her and holds her)
Beck
Why are you so mad at Cat?
[reveals herself that her eyebrows have been shaved off] Don't... say... a word.
Um... I think you look nice with no eyebrows.
[Jade glares at him]
Jade, I just wanna say... I really appreciate you having lunch with us, and thank you, André and Beck, for handcuffing Jade to the table.
Beck
No problem.
[Jade tries to attack Cat, but she's still handcuffed to the table]
I still don't get how this happened.
Well, Jade asked me to make her eyebrows look nice. So I tried to wax them, but when I took the wax strips off, there was... Um... a problem.
No, they're not. I told you, they're right here! (holds up the wax strips with Jade's eyebrows on them)
Victorious · 532 quotes
