Jade quotes from Victorious

Jade

Dolphins creep me out, so I will not go in the ocean.

Sinjin

Just say A, B or C.

Jade

B!

Beck

Maybe it was A!

Jade

I DON'T CARE!

Beck

I'M NOT HAPPY WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP!!! (pause)

Sinjin

...We'll be right back with more of Queries for Couples.

Trina

(walks up next to him) Starring Trina.

Sinjin

STOP IT!

Jade

I'm done talking about it!

Beck

No! We're not!

Jade

He's KIDNAPPING me! (shouting) You wanna see a kidnapper?! KIDNAPPER! Let go! (Beck brings Jade inside the janitor's closet) KIDNAPPER!

Beck

This is not funny.

Jade

Right! What's funny is you freaking out over a dumb game show!

Beck

We were voted worst couple. And the other two couples weren't even real couples! And one had Robbie in it!

Jade

Why do you care if we were voted worst couple?

Beck

It's a matter of- (Cat walks in with three spoons)

Cat

Is this a closet party? Look, I have spoons!

Beck

Cat, come here. We need your opinion on something.

Cat

On global warming?

Beck

No.

Cat

'Cause I don't think that's really happening.

Beck

Cat...

Cat

Seriously. I went to the movies the other night, and it was so cold...

Beck

CAT!

Cat

Hi. (waves her arms)

Beck

We need your opinion on us.

Jade

Why not just ask a monkey?!

Cat

I saw a movie about a monkey! He wore glasses and carried a gun.

Beck

Don't you think Jade and I fight a lot?

Cat

Sure.

Jade

Yeah, but all boyfriends and girlfriends fight a lot, don't they?

Cat

Well sometimes, we-

Jade

Yes or no?! (Cat yelps)

Beck

LET HER TALK!

Jade

You never listen to me talk!

Cat

Can I go now?

Jade

No! (grabs Cat by the backpack) What is your point here, anyway?!

Beck

I would like to have a girlfriend I can talk to without it turning into a screaming match!

Jade

Yeah, well I'd like a boyfriend who other girls don't stare at all the time!

Cat

I thought this was a closet party.

Beck

How is it my fault girls stare at me?!

Jade

Oh, you could look worse if you wanted to.

Cat

(panicked) I'm under my bed, I'm under my bed, I'm under my bed... (puts her hands on her ears while gasping)

Beck

I can't believe how jealous you get.

Jade

Oh! Oh, so you think I'm ugly.

Beck

What?! (to Cat) Who sai-did I say she was ugly?!

Jade

Cat thinks we're a perfect couple!

Beck

Cat, are Jade I are a perfect couple?

Jade

DON'T ANSWER THAT!

Beck

Answer it!

Jade

SAY NOTHING!

Beck

Come on!

Jade

YOU COME ON!!!!

Beck

We made Cat faint.

Jade

I'm late for class. (Jade leaves)

Beck

We're gonna have to finish this sooner or later!

Jade

Later!

Beck

(leaves the closet and walks past the janitor named Luther) Hi.

Lane

Hey, Luth. Somebody spilled a soda on the floor in the gym and it--- (both Lane and Luther see Cat lying on the ground unconscious)

Lane

(in a disapproving tone) Oh, Luther. Why?

Tori

Oh! Great, it's-it's you guys!

Beck

See? They're all here. I told you, they'd all be here.

Tori

Listen, I am sorry that we didn't invite you guys to play, but, uh-

Beck

Tell her why you didn't invite us to play.

Tori

Well...cause...we were...planning your surprise party...?

Jade

What?!

André

Alright! We didn't invite you guys to play because you two are always screaming at each other, and it makes everybody feel awkward, it makes Cat faint, and sometimes it makes Robbie cry!

Robbie

One time! I cried one time!

Six.

Robbie

Six times!

Beck

See?! We fight so much, even our friends don't want us around!

Jade

Tori's not my friend, I only tolerate Robbie, no one likes Trina, and Cat's basically a pet.

Cat

Arf!

Trina

Are you guys gonna let her say that nobody likes me?! (Beck and Jade both turn to Tori then back)

Tori

So...why don't you guys play cards with us. (touches Jade's arm then walks to the table)

Beck

Look, I-I don't want to be your boyfriend if we're just gonna fight all the time.

Jade

So you wanna break up?

Beck

No, I-I didn't say that. I'm just saying...

Trina

You guys might break up? Because I'm not dating anyone, and I always thought Beck and I would make the perfect- (Jade throws a pillow at her, and she stands shocked)

Jade

Next time it's a hammer! C'mon, Beck, take me to get some food.

Beck

I'm tired of fighting.

Jade

Ok. I'm gonna walk out that door, and I'm gonna count to ten.

Cat

Don't forget three. (everyone looks at her) Some people forget it.

Jade

If I get to 10 and you're not out there, I'm going home… and we're over. [Jade goes outside] 1!

Trina

(while touching Beck seductively) I would never fight with you.

Jade

2… 3… [Cat claps] 4… [Beck heads to the door] 5… [Trina follows Beck to stop him] 6… [Trina jumps on Beck and pins him down]

Tori

TRINA! [Tori, André, Robbie and Cat go to Trina]

Trina

Just give me a chance!

Beck

Stop!

Trina

Just give me a chance!

Beck

Get OFF! NO!(André and Robbie pull Trina off of Beck)

Trina

I'm a really fun girl... (Robbie pins Trina)

Beck

(to Trina) No! You're not!

Trina

(while holding Beck's leg) ...And so good looking!

Beck

Stop! What are you doing?! Stop! (Beck stands up and goes to the door)

Jade

7… (Beck holds the doorknob and stops) 8… (Beck looks at Trina, who is pointing at herself and winking) 9… (André, Cat and Tori glare at one another) 10! (Jade stops while Beck is still inside, holding the doorknob. Jade goes to the door, but steps back and leaves. Inside, Beck lets go of the doorknob while he hears Jade's car leaving)

Beck

Let's play some cards.

Tori

(sadly) Yeah, let's play… (everybody goes to the table to play cards)

Cat

I'll pick up the cards.

André

Make sure you get all 52.

Cat

KK. 1, 2, (forgets three) 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11... (Trina sits beside Beck and lies her head on his shoulder)

Jade

Cat? Why'd you just throw your drink in the trash?

Cat

'Cause I wasn't thirsty.

Jade

But...but you bought the-ah, forget it.

Cat

(Jade sits beside Cat) Yay, we're hanging out togethe-- (Cat is about to hug Jade)

Jade

NO!! (Cat recoils)

Cat

I'm pretty sure we're not supposed-

Jade

(touches the guitar) Look! I'm touching the guitar, see. (in an Elvis Presley accent) I'm Elvis Presley and I'm touching my guitar. That's right, baby. I touched the boss' skull and now I'm touching my special guitar. (in regular voice) See? I touched the guitar and nothing bad happened. (guitar falls and crashes through the window. Cat stares in shock) ...That guitar was not properly hung.

Cat

Do you think my mom's boss will notice?

Robbie

(outside) Cat! Hey, Cat!

Cat

We're in here!

Jade

You called Robbie?!

Cat

Yeah, so he can help us put up the guitar and fix the window.

Jade

Robbie can barely work his zipper on his own pants! (Cat giggles)

Robbie

(entering the room holding a bucket of materials) What's up, little pigeons? (Suddenly, Beck enters, also holding some materials, which leaves Jade surprised)

Cat

Hi.

Jade

(to Cat) Why did you invite Beck?!

Beck

(to Robbie) You didn't tell me Jade was gonna be here?

Robbie

I didn't know!

Beck

(to Jade) I thought you had a date tonight.

Jade

Why'd you think that?

Beck

It said so on your Slap page.

Jade

Why you stalking my Slap page?

Beck

Why do you care?

Cat

Why is Robbie's zipper down? (Robbie notices and pulls it up)

Jade

Look, let's just get this stupid guitar fixed and hung back up there before Cat's mom's boss gets back.

Cat

We have to fix the window, too.

Robbie

Oooh! I'll find a window repair company using the new feature on my PearPhone. (his PearPhone dings) I need a window repair company in Beverly Hills.

(ding) Checking for...adult diapers. (Cat, Jade and the puppy all look questioned)

Robbie

N-n-n-n-n-no, that was my last search.

Beck

Thanks for fixing the window.

Cat

Yeah. And we didn't even notice your lack of hair. (the worker leaves as Cat waves)

Beck

Guitar all good up there?

Robbie

Yep-per-die-doo.

Jade

Yeah! And look. You can't even see where it broke.

Robbie

Nope.

Cat

Yay! My mom's boss will never know anything bad happen!

Robbie

(picks up the skull) Whoa! Is this a real human skull?

Jade

Yeah. Give it, so I can put it back.

Robbie

No. I'm looking at it.

Jade

(gets the skull) Robbie, give it to me. (Jade and Robbie start to fight about the skull)

Robbie

Shut it.

Jade

Stop!

Robbie

Just----

Jade

Robbie! We don't have time!

Robbie

Just---

Jade

Fine! (Jade drops the skull)

Robbie

(the skull falls on the glass table, breaking it. Cat gasps. At the same time, the guitar swings and destroys a lamp. Cat yelps and starts to cry)

Jade

Don't cry.

Cat

But--- (buzz)

Robbie

I heard a buzz.

Jade

Zip up your pants! (Robbie does so)

Cat

(clicks the buzzer) Hello?

Cat. It's Carl Gibbons. I forgot my key, would you buzz me in?

Cat

It's my mom's boss.

Could you buzz me in?

Cat

Um. Sure I could. Or maybe you could go to Europe for two weeks.

Cat, buzz me in.

Cat

(Cat does so) Kay-kay. (Cat sobs)

Jade

Cat.

Robbie

It will be okay.

Beck

When he gets up here, we'll just explain that–

Robbie

What's happening?

Jade

EARTHQUAKE!!!

Cat

Earthquake!

Beck

[grabs Cat] OKAY, EVERYBODY DOWN!!! COVER YOUR HEADS!!!

Robbie

AAAHHH!!!!

Mrs. Lee

Everybody get down! I don't have insurance!

Protect my birthday presents! Somebody protect my– (a giant sign falls on her head, knocking her out. The earthquake stops and everybody stares at a moaning Hope. Andre then smiles.)

Cat

(to Mr. Gibbons) I'm so sorry about your guitar, and your lamp, and your table...

(not even a tad bit angry) That's alright. It's not your fault.

Cat

But...

Jade

(puts her hands on Cat's shoulders, looking at her in the eye) Cat, Mr. Gibbons isn't mad at us, because he knows the EARTHQUAKE caused this damage.

Beck

Yeah. We can only blame the earth.

Robbie

And its quaking!

Jade

[driving] So, Cat, is there some reason your brother replaced his seat belt with a rope?

Cat

No. He just loves rope.

Jade

[looks at Tori and Cat's science project] What is that thing anyway?

Tori

Oh, this is Cat's and my science project.

Cat

It's a robot with hamster power.

Tori

See, Mr. Hamster runs on this wheel and that creates electromagnetic electricity which flows through this transformer and powers... [in a robot voice] ...The robot.

Cat

Isn't it cool?

Jade

I don't know. All I heard was "hamster, hamster, science, science, Tori's boring, kill me".

Tori

(holding a muffin) You want a muffin?

Jade

Sure. (takes the muffin and eats it)

Cat

You brought muffins?

Tori

Oh, no. I found it under the seat. [in response, Jade spits out the muffin and throws it in the road] Not so boring now, am I?

Jade

All right, Vega! I'm gonna pull over–

Cat

Be quiet! I'm not gonna sit here and listen to the two of you fight for the next 2 hours!

Tori

She's the one… FOR 2 HOURS!?!

Jade

I thought we were just driving some dead actress' house and lighting a candle.

Cat

We are! Her house is in San Diego!

Jade

[suddenly stops the car with a screeching sound] SAN DIEGO?

Tori

Cat, we gotta finish our science project before morning!

Cat

But–

Jade

No! I'm not driving this rolling chiz block to San Diego and back!

Tori

JUST DRIVE THE CHILD TO SAN DIEGO!!!

Jade

All right! [drives and Cat stops crying]

Jade

OH MY GOD! (she and Tori step back shocked)

Tori

What... is this?! (pulls a bag of fake feet out of the trunk)

Cat

Don't worry, they're not real feet.

Jade

But why does your brother have a bag of fake feet in the trunk of his car?!

Cat

I'm not gonna lie. My brother's pretty weird.

Sikowitz

(entering the classroom) GOOD MORNING, LE OLD NUTENTS! (laughs in a Western style accent, then puts his coconut on the windowsill) Alright. Now, it's time for...bad news.

They found out coconut juice makes your hair falls out?

Sikowitz

(laughs) NO. We're going to do an acting exercise about giving bad news.

Jade

Why?

Cat

By telling them in a language they don't understand.

Sikowitz

You see, every time I cast a new play, you get your panties in a pretzel. So this time, you people will choose your own roles. (brings box of paper slips to Andre) Andre, pick a role.

Andre

(reading off card) "Tommy, ten year old twin brother of Carter."

Sikowitz

(makes airplane noise and goes to Beck) Beck, pick a role.

Beck

(reading off card) "Carter, ten year old twin brother of Tommy." I guess we're twins.

Andre

Then Mama's got some explaining to do.

Sikowitz

(makes airplane noise and goes to Jade) Jade, pick a role.

Jade

(reading off card) "Nancy, loving wife of astronaut Walter Swain."

Sikowitz

(Robbie attempts to pick a role, but Sikowitz makes another airplane noise and goes to Tori) Tori.

Tori

(reading off card) "Astronaut Walter Swain.........husband of Nancy...."

Jade

I'm supposed to play her wife?

Tori

I'll just pick another card!

Sikowitz

No! My box has spoken!

Jade

I don't wanna be your wife in the play!

Tori

Well I don't want to be your husband in the play!

Jade

OH!

Tori

(mocks Jade) OH!

Andre

What's wrong, mom?

Beck

You seem awfully upset.

Jade

Don't you understand? Your father's an astronaut. It's his dream to walk on the moon but now that might never happen because of his narcolepsy!

Beck

What's narcolepsy?

Jade

It's when you're always falling asleep even when you're not tired.

Sikowitz

(to Sinjin) Car door sound effect! (Sinjin clicks a button where it's being followed by a sound of a car alarm stopping)

Jade

(stands up, along with Beck and Andre) Oh, I just heard your father's car. Now, boys, no matter how narcoleptic he is, you pretend you don't notice. (notices Beck holding her apron) Don't touch Mommy. (pulls Beck's hand off her apron. After that, Tori, wearing a mustache and male clothes, enters)

Tori

(in a man voice) Nancy, boys, I'm home.

Jade

Hi, honey.

Andre

Hey, dad.

Beck

Hi there, dad.

Tori

(to Andre) Hello, Car--- (since Tori's character has narcolepsy, she falls on the sofa and passes out)

Jade

Oh. It's all right, boys. It's all right now. (comes to Tori) Honey. Honey. (Tori suddenly gets up)

Tori

I'M UP! I'M UP! (to Beck) So, Tommy. How was school today?

Beck

(his and Andre's characters are twins) I'm Carter.

Andre

I'm Tommy.

Tori

Ahh!! What kind of father am I?! I'm so darn narcoleptic I can't even tell my own twin sons apart.

Jade

It's not your fault they're identical. Look at them. (both Tori and Jade look at Beck and Andre)

Tori

Nancy, you're so--- (for another time, Tori passes out and falls in front of Jade)

Jade

Ahh.. Ooh.. Sweetheart! Darling!

Tori

(wakes up) BLAST OFF!

Jade

No. No, you were saying I'm so?

Tori

Right, uh, you're so good, gentle. How can you love a sleepy loser like me?

Jade

You are no sleepy loser. You are an astronaut.

Tori

I love you.

Jade

(strained) I love you.

Sikowitz

(the rehearsal ends) Eh, no you don't! Light a candle, Burf. This play stinks!

I don't have a candle.

Sikowitz

Then get a better haircut!

Sinjin

Shake it off, Burf. He's just in a mood.