Jade quotes from Victorious

You girls meet me for dinner at Nozu. Tonight. 7 PM.

But, I don't want to-

Nozu!

Jade

But, why you-

(garbles fast and incoherently, in imitation of an angry Japanese man)

Jade

At least let us-

(very fast) SEE THE BOTH OF YOU AT NOZU AT 7 PM! (leaves)

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Listen. I once did a show where I had to play a man in great pain. So to prepare, I threw myself down a flight of stairs. You wouldn't believe how many times I hit my head.

Jade

Yeah, we would.

We really, really would.

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I admire how you're never afraid to say what you think.

Jade

That's stupid.

See?

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(when Tori and Jade discover that the boys from Nozu are in the audience during the play)

Jade

What are we gonna do?

Run, Nancy!

Jade

Yes, Walter! (both Tori and Jade run off as the episode ends)

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So, the lowest level of the globe theater was reserved for "the groundlings" who were the lower class people who came out to enjoy...

(comes into Sikowitz's class) YOU GUYS! I'M SORRY I'M LATE, BUT MY MOM... SLAMMED MY HEAD IN THE CAR DOOR! (holds a round case with a red top on her hand, and breaks down crying. After a few seconds of silence, she stands on her knees and holds her hands out) April Fools! (laughs and stands up) Yeah!

Jade

What are you, five years old?

(shrugs) Really.

But... today's April Fools' Day!

We really don't care.

April Fools' Day is kind of for, you know, little kids...

That's how we all feel. (he holds his hands out, and Beck and Robbie slap them in agreement)

But... this school is full of creative people! I-I thought for sure April Fools' Day would be a big deal here.

(stands up and yells) WELL, IT'S NOT! OKAY, TORI?! SO, JUST SHUT YOUR FACE AND LET MR. BELDING TEACH!

BMr. Belding

Thank you, Zack. (Cat sits back down angrily) Now, as Screech was saying, a world without pants is like a donut.

(laughs) Yes! Yes! YES.

Oh, come on! No one here is into April Fools? (Mr. Belding tackles her to the floor and takes her purse) WHOA! Okay. Uh... (Mr. Belding runs out of the room)

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And your question is... Dumb Debbie was so dumb.

CBCat, Beck, André, Robbie, Jade and Trina

HOW DUMB WAS SHE?

She was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools... blank.

(Later, after the others have filled in their answers)

Okay, Tori. Dumb Debbie was so dumb. She didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...

...Day.

Day. Mm-hmm. Day. Well, let's see if you match anybody. (clears throat) André!

Roses are red, storm clouds are gray. Debbie's so dumb, she didn't realize it was April Fools... (takes his card and turns it over) Lobster. (a buzzer rings, and a lobster comes out near the entrance and charges towards Tori)

That's the lobster! AAH! (the lobster pushes her to the ground, rubs her butt and slaps her back before running off)

All right now, get up! (she does) Jade, what's your answer?

Jade

Well I figured she was so dumb... she thought April 1st was April Fools... (turns her card over) Berry! (buzzer rings again) That's a thing! Right, April Fools Berry? That's a thing!

Oh, you're a thing. A foul beast of a thing! (everyone else laughs as the lobster comes back)

No no no. No no no, it is not my fault that she said berry! (the lobster places her on the floor as she flails. He then slaps her butt again and runs off)

Alright, upsie daisy! (Tori gets back up) Robbie.

Yes yes, what is it Sikowitz?

Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...

(turns his card over) Foot. (buzzer, the crowd boos) Oh, shut up, you people. I WAS ON BROADWAY!

Cat, your turn.

Wait, the lobster forgot to push Tori down!

OH, yes!

Cat, why would you remind him?! (the lobster charges at Tori) Okay, n-n-no. See, see, I was-- (the lobster grabs Tori and places her to the ground as she flails. He then flexes and runs off)

Will you GET UP?! (she does) Cat! Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools... blank.

I said... (turns her card over) 'Blank!' (buzzer)

Uh, Cat, I said blank.

(laughs) I love President Ford!

We're not gonna bring the lobster out for that one. (Tori pats him on the back) Uh, Beck!

(in garbled accent) Well, I'm sorry, Doc and I was starving, so I said... (turns his card over) Onion rings. (buzzer, the lobster comes through the entrance)

No. I know. (faints. The lobster then leaves)

(laughs) Okay! One last chance. Your sister. Trina.

Come on, Trina!

Trina

Well, I said... (reveals her card) '...Cut to the next scene!'. (scene cuts to the Vegas' house where Tori waves her arms weirdly)

Oh, your stupid card brought us to this scene! You cost me $5,000!

Trina

But I want an Oompa Loompa now!

You can't HAVE an Oompa Loompa--

EEveryone

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

It's not my birthday.

EEveryone

TOUCHDOWN!

There's no football game.

EEveryone

WHERE'S THE BEEF!?

Okay, kids won't get that reference. And... it's April Fools Day!

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Jade

[Jade and Beck are still fighting like where 'The Worst Couple' episode left off] Oh tell us, oh great Beck who knows everything except how to keep a girlfriend happy.

You hate being happy.

Jade

Just tell the story.

Alright.

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Cat, that is a lot of Bibble.

Please don't look at it, it's all for me!

Jade

Cat, don't be stingy, just give him a little nibble of Bibble.

NO!!! (jumps on Bibble bag)

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(Jade is in costume backstage when Tori enters)

Jade

This isn't right.

Yeah, it is a little tight -

Jade

No, not the stupid outfit. This. Me.

I don't -

Jade

This is supposed to be your night. This was your big chance, so for me to go out there...

And?

Jade

I can't do that to a friend. Or even to you.

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Can I just have one handful of Bibble?

OOliver

The answer is no!

But I just -

Jade

Cat!

Oh, hey.

Jade

Take this. Now Mason wants me to try the blue skirt.

Why doesn't he like this one?

OOliver

I think this skirt is pretty.

Jade

Just go get the blue one!

(sighs) C'mon, Oliver.

OOliver

First we had to get the red skirt, now we gotta go get the blue skirt.

Life is hard.

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(at the Platinum Music Awards, in Mason Thornesmith's office)

(enters the room as he closes the door behind him) Hey, I'm here. Sorry.

Where were you?

While I was in the mens' room, I opened one of the stalls, and sitting right there, Bruno Mars. (Cat gasps)

(looking shocked) What?!

So I'm like, "Oh my God, Bruno Mars! You're one of my idols." He says, "Thanks. But I'm on the toilet. Can you shut the door?" So I say, "Sure", and I shut the door. And Bruno Mars says, "I mean, can you leave the stall and then shut the door?" And then I'm all like, "Bro, I know you famous, but can't you just -"

Jade

(putting her hand on his shoulder) Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Maybe stop talking.

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You guys. You guys, have either of you seen Jade?

Uh uh.

No, why, what's up with Jade?

She's trying to kill me.

Any reason?

We were hanging out together last night and she asked me to do her eyebrows.

Do what to 'em?

Make them look neater and nicer. Girls do that. We groom each other like monkeys.

So, why is Jade trying to kill you?

Well...

Jade

[screams] WHERE IS SHE?! [Cat screams and Jade runs after her] [Sinjin plays his saxophone in a fast tempo to fit in with the chase] Stop her! Somebody stop Cat right now!

Hide me.

Jade

Come here!

Please hide me!

Jade

No! Come here! Stop. Come here!

Oh, hide me!

Jade

Don't touch him! (Cat tries to hide behind Sinjin)

[Lane, who enters the hall, stops Jade and Cat runs to Beck and André]

HIDE ME!

Jade

COME HERE!

Lane

What do you... Stop! Jade, stop. Relax.(Catchs her and holds her)

What was that about?

Why are you so mad at Cat?

Jade

[reveals herself that her eyebrows have been shaved off] Don't... say... a word.

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Um... I think you look nice with no eyebrows.

[Jade glares at him]

Jade, I just wanna say... I really appreciate you having lunch with us, and thank you, André and Beck, for handcuffing Jade to the table.

Sure.

No problem.

[Jade tries to attack Cat, but she's still handcuffed to the table]

I still don't get how this happened.

Well, Jade asked me to make her eyebrows look nice. So I tried to wax them, but when I took the wax strips off, there was... Um... a problem.

Jade

My eyebrows are gone.

No, they're not. I told you, they're right here! (holds up the wax strips with Jade's eyebrows on them)

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Jade

AAH!!

Whoa! Whoa!

Jade

AAH! COME HERE, YOU!

Jade, whoa whoa. Watch it.

Someone...

Don't do that. What are you... stop it.

Hey! Cut it out! Hey!

You girls knock it off.

Jade

I'll get you.

I don't wanna be gotten.

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Haven't you ever wondered what it's like to be a blonde?

Jade

No.

I've wondered that. I've also wondered why lemonade is a drink and first aid is for the injured. Like, what if a thirsty person gets injured? Do you give them first aid first, and then lemonade? Or lemonade first, then second aid? (pause) Lemonade. (giggles)

(stares at Cat in disbelief) So, sushi?

Jade

Let's go.