(later, as Tori and Cat stay at Tori's house while their hamster project is working)
ToriCome on, hamster!
Tori
Yeah, baby! Whoo! (David comes to them)
Hey, girls. Uh. What was the name of that actress whose house you went to tonight?
Tori
Mona Patterson.
She's on the news. Channel Six. (David leaves. Then, Tori sits and turns on the TV.)
NRNews Reporter
But by the time firefighters arrived on the scene, Mrs. Patterson's house was already engulfed in flames and could not be saved.
Tori
No, we don't know for sure. [the news report shows some firefighters extinguishing the fire from the house] Lots of things could start a fire.
NRNews Reporter
The cause of the fire? [shows Cat's candle] This cinnamon bun-scented candle. [both girls gasp in shock] Mrs. Patterson is now resting uncomfortably in St. Billy's Hospital. As for who left the burning candle at the door, police officials say the only clue comes from Mrs. Patterson herself, who dazed and confused from smoke inhalation, was muttering something about a "cat", apparently, with red fur. [Cat holds her head and gasps in horror] Of course, we'll have much more of this story– [Tori changes the channel to a cooking show]
Tori
Shhhhh...
[the episode ends]
You see, every time I cast a new play, you get your panties in a pretzel. So this time, you people will choose your own roles. (brings box of paper slips to Andre) Andre, pick a role.
(reading off card) "Tommy, ten year old twin brother of Carter."
(makes airplane noise and goes to Beck) Beck, pick a role.
(reading off card) "Carter, ten year old twin brother of Tommy." I guess we're twins.
Then Mama's got some explaining to do.
(makes airplane noise and goes to Jade) Jade, pick a role.
(reading off card) "Nancy, loving wife of astronaut Walter Swain."
(Robbie attempts to pick a role, but Sikowitz makes another airplane noise and goes to Tori) Tori.
Tori
(reading off card) "Astronaut Walter Swain.........husband of Nancy...."
I'm supposed to play her wife?
Tori
I'll just pick another card!
(during the rehearsal of the play. Jade, in-character, is seen crying as both Andre and Beck, also in-character, are in front of her)
Don't you understand? Your father's an astronaut. It's his dream to walk on the moon but now that might never happen because of his narcolepsy!
It's when you're always falling asleep even when you're not tired.
(to Sinjin) Car door sound effect! (Sinjin clicks a button where it's being followed by a sound of a car alarm stopping)
(stands up, along with Beck and Andre) Oh, I just heard your father's car. Now, boys, no matter how narcoleptic he is, you pretend you don't notice. (notices Beck holding her apron) Don't touch Mommy. (pulls Beck's hand off her apron. After that, Tori, wearing a mustache and male clothes, enters)
Tori
(in a man voice) Nancy, boys, I'm home.
Tori
(to Andre) Hello, Car--- (since Tori's character has narcolepsy, she falls on the sofa and passes out)
Oh. It's all right, boys. It's all right now. (comes to Tori) Honey. Honey. (Tori suddenly gets up)
Tori
I'M UP! I'M UP! (to Beck) So, Tommy. How was school today?
(his and Andre's characters are twins) I'm Carter.
Tori
Ahh!! What kind of father am I?! I'm so darn narcoleptic I can't even tell my own twin sons apart.
It's not your fault they're identical. Look at them. (both Tori and Jade look at Beck and Andre)
Tori
Nancy, you're so--- (for another time, Tori passes out and falls in front of Jade)
Ahh.. Ooh.. Sweetheart! Darling!
Tori
(wakes up) BLAST OFF!
No. No, you were saying I'm so?
Tori
Right, uh, you're so good, gentle. How can you love a sleepy loser like me?
You are no sleepy loser. You are an astronaut.
Tori
I love you.
(the rehearsal ends) Eh, no you don't! Light a candle, Burf. This play stinks!
BBurf
I don't have a candle.
Then get a better haircut!
Shake it off, Burf. He's just in a mood.
So, the lowest level of the globe theater was reserved for "the groundlings" who were the lower class people who came out to enjoy...
Tori
(comes into Sikowitz's class) YOU GUYS! I'M SORRY I'M LATE, BUT MY MOM... SLAMMED MY HEAD IN THE CAR DOOR! (holds a round case with a red top on her hand, and breaks down crying. After a few seconds of silence, she stands on her knees and holds her hands out) April Fools! (laughs and stands up) Yeah!
What are you, five years old?
Tori
But... today's April Fools' Day!
April Fools' Day is kind of for, you know, little kids...
That's how we all feel. (he holds his hands out, and Beck and Robbie slap them in agreement)
Tori
But... this school is full of creative people! I-I thought for sure April Fools' Day would be a big deal here.
(stands up and yells) WELL, IT'S NOT! OKAY, TORI?! SO, JUST SHUT YOUR FACE AND LET MR. BELDING TEACH!
BMr. Belding
Thank you, Zack. (Cat sits back down angrily) Now, as Screech was saying, a world without pants is like a donut.
Tori
Oh, come on! No one here is into April Fools? (Mr. Belding tackles her to the floor and takes her purse) WHOA! Okay. Uh... (Mr. Belding runs out of the room)
Wait. Did you just say you wanted a face full of trumpet?
Tori
What do you mean, "face full of..."? --AAAAH!! (Cat blows a trumpet in her face, and she falls to the floor. Drake Bell quickly comes in and gets her back on her chair. He then notices the audience and immediately flees the room)
Wait, was that the (guy, Drake) Bell? (the bell rings) Oh, there's the bell. (holds his hands out and explodes. Tori gasps, as parts of his clothes and coconut fall to the floor)
Tori
What? (Cat blows the trumpet in her face again and she falls to the floor. Cat then laughs)
Tori! Tori! Did you hear, did you hear the news?!
Tori
What? What happened?
It's war. It's war, Tori, it's war!
Tori
(points at him shocked) Is it Switzerland?
(grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her) Will you forget about the war?! We're gonna have a pop quiz!
Tori
But... you just said that--
It's true, I tell you! I just heard it from two boys in the bathroom! At the urinal. We're gonna have a pop quiz! A pop quiz is going down, Tori!
Tori
Oh... my god, I hate pop quizzes!
(grabs her and shakes her in the air) HOW CAN YOU THINK ABOUT A POP QUIZ WHEN WE'RE AT WAR?! It's war, Tori! It's war! (puts her down) I gotta go recycle some aluminum. (starts running) Ah. Oh, say can you see...? (his leg gets hit) --AAHHHH! (Tori gasps) AH, I'M HIT! ARROW! (falls down the stairs) AHHH! AHHH! Ow! I got hit in the leg by a swiss arrow. DANG THIS CURSED WAR! (2 Congress-like men come in and drag him away)
Tori! Tori! I'm running in with big news! Tori!
(he and the feeding girl start screaming and run away in terror. Robbie comes up to the table)
Tori
What's the big news?
The Beverly Hills volcano is about to erupt!
In three and a half minutes, this whole school is gonna be covered in hot lava!
Tori
We only have three and a half minutes?
(pounds his fist on the table) The same amount of time as a commercial break.
Tori
What do we do?
(grabs Tori's arm) I say we kiss.
Not you! (to Tori) You. Kiss me, Tori. I want my last three and a half minutes to be spent with my face... smushed against your face.
Tori
Are there any other ideas?
Tori
Okay. (the two lean in to kiss, and the screen freezes)
Stay tuned for the second half of Victorious... or don't. I get paid either way.
(after commercial)
...And now, we continue with the exciting second half of Victorious. Press Play. (Tori's about to kiss Robbie, but Beck comes rushing in)
Tori, Andre. Have you heard? Have you heard the news?
Tori
What news?
I already told you! The Beverly Hills volcano is about to erupt! Now, kiss me.
The Beverly Hills volcano has retired and moved to Florida. So, it's probably NOT gonna spew hot lava all over Hollywood Arts! (everyone cheers)
Wait! I just heard we're about to be attacked by killer butterflies! (everyone moans)
Wait! Sinjin has 2 big jugs of anti-butterfly spray! (everyone cheers again, but Sinjin is seen drinking the spray)
But I drank them! (everyone moans again)
(holding up an apple) Wait, I'm not gonna eat this apple! So, you guys can all share it! (everyone cheers again, Tori's phone then goes off)
Tori
WAIT! I just got a text that says that apples make your hair fall out! (everyone moans again)
What's done is done. (eats an apple out of a bowl of them)
Victorious · 532 quotes
