Tori quotes from Victorious

Tori

People leave here alive, right?

Beck

Sometimes.

Andre

I think I just stepped in some blood. (a manager comes up to them)

(hands Tori, Andre, Cat, and Beck clipboards) Here. Sign 'em!

Tori

Why do we have to sign these?

Beck

It just says that if you try any of the challenges here, you won't sue the place if you get...dead.

Tori

He's helping me take risks.

Jade

(sarcastically) OH!

Tori

I am a risk taker!

Jade

Don't tell me, tell the gorilla!

Tori

WHY DON'T YOU TELL MY BUTT?!

Trina

(offscreen) THAT'S MY THING!

Beck

You did it!

Tori

Shoosh yeah, I did!

Beck

WHO'S A ROCKSTAR?!?!

Tori

MEEEEEEEEE!

Beck

Whoo! (they hi-five) You are definitely a real risk taker!

Tori

I know! And to prove it even more you know what I'm gonna do RIGHT NOW?!

Beck

WHAT?

Tori

I'm gonna use the bathroom HERE! (jumps)

Beck

...Sitting?

Tori

(in a menacing voice) Sitting.

Tori

(after the Northridge girls help her plug her phone in) Yay. My phone came on.

Yay. My phone came on.

Tori

Aw, man.

Aw, man.

André

You got the Talking Reggie app?

You got the Talking Reggie app?

Tori

Yes... (she tries to shut it off)

Yes...

Jade

Turn it off.

Tori

Shut...up. (presses more buttons)

Shut...up. (Tori sighs)

Robbie

What up, girlfriend?

Tori

Stop pretending we're a couple! The game show is over. [squeezes Robbie's mouth]

Robbie

Amhh, I don't think you should be getting snippy with your pretend boyfriend who fixed your PearPhone.

Tori

You fixed it?

Robbie

Yep, your mobile phone is once again mobile.

Tori

What... what... what is this?

Robbie

Car batteries, from a Volvo.

Tori

So I'm supposed to walk around with these giant car batteries to power my phone?

Robbie

Or you can just buy a new GX and replace that one.

Tori

No, if I buy another GX I guarantee you the new XT will come out like the next day and then I'll be the pre-turd with the stupid GX while everybody else has the cool new XT.

Robbie

(touches her shoulder) Take it easy, baby.

Tori

(sternly) Robbie...

André

Just buy yourself another Pearphone GX.

Tori

No, if I buy another GX, they're (everyone joins Tori) gonna announce the XT the next day, and then everyone will have a new XT and I'll be stuck with the stupid GX.

I'm so sick of hearing that.

Tori

Well, there's no need for you guys to mock me simultaneously.

Tori

Oh! Great, it's-it's you guys!

Beck

See? They're all here. I told you, they'd all be here.

Tori

Listen, I am sorry that we didn't invite you guys to play, but, uh-

Beck

Tell her why you didn't invite us to play.

Tori

Well...cause...we were...planning your surprise party...?

Jade

What?!

André

Alright! We didn't invite you guys to play because you two are always screaming at each other, and it makes everybody feel awkward, it makes Cat faint, and sometimes it makes Robbie cry!

Robbie

One time! I cried one time!

Six.

Robbie

Six times!

Beck

See?! We fight so much, even our friends don't want us around!

Jade

Tori's not my friend, I only tolerate Robbie, no one likes Trina, and Cat's basically a pet.

Cat

Arf!

Trina

Are you guys gonna let her say that nobody likes me?! (Beck and Jade both turn to Tori then back)

Tori

So...why don't you guys play cards with us. (touches Jade's arm then walks to the table)

Beck

Look, I-I don't want to be your boyfriend if we're just gonna fight all the time.

Jade

So you wanna break up?

Beck

No, I-I didn't say that. I'm just saying...

Trina

You guys might break up? Because I'm not dating anyone, and I always thought Beck and I would make the perfect- (Jade throws a pillow at her, and she stands shocked)

Jade

Next time it's a hammer! C'mon, Beck, take me to get some food.

Beck

I'm tired of fighting.

Jade

Ok. I'm gonna walk out that door, and I'm gonna count to ten.

Cat

Don't forget three. (everyone looks at her) Some people forget it.

Jade

If I get to 10 and you're not out there, I'm going home… and we're over. [Jade goes outside] 1!

Trina

(while touching Beck seductively) I would never fight with you.

Jade

2… 3… [Cat claps] 4… [Beck heads to the door] 5… [Trina follows Beck to stop him] 6… [Trina jumps on Beck and pins him down]

Tori

TRINA! [Tori, André, Robbie and Cat go to Trina]

Trina

Just give me a chance!

Beck

Stop!

Trina

Just give me a chance!

Beck

Get OFF! NO!(André and Robbie pull Trina off of Beck)

Trina

I'm a really fun girl... (Robbie pins Trina)

Beck

(to Trina) No! You're not!

Trina

(while holding Beck's leg) ...And so good looking!

Beck

Stop! What are you doing?! Stop! (Beck stands up and goes to the door)

Jade

7… (Beck holds the doorknob and stops) 8… (Beck looks at Trina, who is pointing at herself and winking) 9… (André, Cat and Tori glare at one another) 10! (Jade stops while Beck is still inside, holding the doorknob. Jade goes to the door, but steps back and leaves. Inside, Beck lets go of the doorknob while he hears Jade's car leaving)

Beck

Let's play some cards.

Tori

(sadly) Yeah, let's play… (everybody goes to the table to play cards)

Cat

I'll pick up the cards.

André

Make sure you get all 52.

Cat

KK. 1, 2, (forgets three) 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11... (Trina sits beside Beck and lies her head on his shoulder)

Trina

Hey. Look what I got, everyone. (shows her new Pearphone XT)

Robbie

The new Pearphone XT?!

Trina

Yep. (Tori, surprised, looks at the phone)

Tori

What? No, no, no, no, no..

Trina

Uh huh. They just hit the Pear Store this morning.

Sinjin

(also holding a Pearphone XT) I got one too.

(also holding Pearphone XT) Same here.

Uh huh.

I got one.

(holding also a Pearphone XT and a sledgehammer) I got a blue one...... with unlimited texting.

Tori

(furiously) DOG JAM IT! (goes to the trash can) Buh-bye! (drops the phone in the trash can)

Buh-bye! :Tori: Ugh! (kicks the trash can and leaves) :Talking Reggie: EEEEEEERRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

Tori

(upon hearing Andre knock frantically) Who is it? Are you a criminal?!

Andre

Not really.

Tori

It's open! (Andre comes in)

Andre

(takes off his jacket) Hey.

Tori

Aren't you supposed to be at Hope's party?

Andre

Yes. Yes, I am. I'm supposed to be at her birthday party, I'm supposed to perform a song, and I'm supposed to like her. But I don't! I don't like that girl at all! (takes a pillow from the couch) Not even a little bit! And I don't know WHAT TO DO! (slams the pillow on the couch)

Tori

Want some mashed potatoes?

Andre

No! I don't want any...(beat) Gimme the bowl. (takes the bowl out of Tori's hands)

Tori

Why are you all sad?

Cat

How do you know I'm sad?

Tori

Well, you're dressed in sad colors, and you were playing a sad song... oh, and you're wearing a button that says, "I'm sad, ask me why." (touches it)

Cat

So you'll drive?

Tori

No.

Cat

Why not?

Tori

I didn't pass my driver's test.

Cat

Why not?

Tori

Because I didn't see the old lady in the wheelchair. [Cat gasps] I signaled before I hit her!

Jade

[driving] So, Cat, is there some reason your brother replaced his seat belt with a rope?

Cat

No. He just loves rope.

Jade

[looks at Tori and Cat's science project] What is that thing anyway?

Tori

Oh, this is Cat's and my science project.

Cat

It's a robot with hamster power.

Tori

See, Mr. Hamster runs on this wheel and that creates electromagnetic electricity which flows through this transformer and powers... [in a robot voice] ...The robot.

Cat

Isn't it cool?

Jade

I don't know. All I heard was "hamster, hamster, science, science, Tori's boring, kill me".

Tori

(holding a muffin) You want a muffin?

Jade

Sure. (takes the muffin and eats it)

Cat

You brought muffins?

Tori

Oh, no. I found it under the seat. [in response, Jade spits out the muffin and throws it in the road] Not so boring now, am I?

Jade

All right, Vega! I'm gonna pull over–

Cat

Be quiet! I'm not gonna sit here and listen to the two of you fight for the next 2 hours!

Tori

She's the one… FOR 2 HOURS!?!

Jade

I thought we were just driving some dead actress' house and lighting a candle.

Cat

We are! Her house is in San Diego!

Jade

[suddenly stops the car with a screeching sound] SAN DIEGO?

Tori

Cat, we gotta finish our science project before morning!

Cat

But–

Jade

No! I'm not driving this rolling chiz block to San Diego and back!

Tori

JUST DRIVE THE CHILD TO SAN DIEGO!!!

Jade

All right! [drives and Cat stops crying]

Jade

OH MY GOD! (she and Tori step back shocked)

Tori

What... is this?! (pulls a bag of fake feet out of the trunk)

Cat

Don't worry, they're not real feet.

Jade

But why does your brother have a bag of fake feet in the trunk of his car?!

Cat

I'm not gonna lie. My brother's pretty weird.

Tori

Why did you think that she was dead?!

Cat

I read it online! It said "Mona Patterson joins the dead!"

That's a new TV show, you dip. It's a story about me being cast in a show called The Dead. I play David Schwimmer's wife.

Cat

Well...nice to meet you, I'm Cat.

Good. I have something nice... for cats. [goes inside her house then comes back outside with a water gun]

Tori

Whoa! Now just wait a second. [Mona is in aiming position] This girl made us drive two hours through the rain in a topless convertible just because she loves you, and your work. So, would it kill you to just be a little nice, and maybe– [they get blasted with water. Cat and Jade quickly run away but Tori stays] AHHHHH!! CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE ALREADY WET?!

Get off my property! [Tori screams and then runs off]