Tori quotes from Victorious

Sikowitz

And your question is... Dumb Debbie was so dumb.

HOW DUMB WAS SHE?

Sikowitz

She was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools... blank.

Sikowitz

Okay, Tori. Dumb Debbie was so dumb. She didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...

Tori

...Day.

Sikowitz

Day. Mm-hmm. Day. Well, let's see if you match anybody. (clears throat) André!

André

Roses are red, storm clouds are gray. Debbie's so dumb, she didn't realize it was April Fools... (takes his card and turns it over) Lobster. (a buzzer rings, and a lobster comes out near the entrance and charges towards Tori)

Tori

That's the lobster! AAH! (the lobster pushes her to the ground, rubs her butt and slaps her back before running off)

Sikowitz

All right now, get up! (she does) Jade, what's your answer?

Jade

Well I figured she was so dumb... she thought April 1st was April Fools... (turns her card over) Berry! (buzzer rings again) That's a thing! Right, April Fools Berry? That's a thing!

Robbie

Oh, you're a thing. A foul beast of a thing! (everyone else laughs as the lobster comes back)

Tori

No no no. No no no, it is not my fault that she said berry! (the lobster places her on the floor as she flails. He then slaps her butt again and runs off)

Sikowitz

Alright, upsie daisy! (Tori gets back up) Robbie.

Robbie

Yes yes, what is it Sikowitz?

Sikowitz

Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...

Robbie

(turns his card over) Foot. (buzzer, the crowd boos) Oh, shut up, you people. I WAS ON BROADWAY!

Sikowitz

Cat, your turn.

Cat

Wait, the lobster forgot to push Tori down!

Sikowitz

OH, yes!

Tori

Cat, why would you remind him?! (the lobster charges at Tori) Okay, n-n-no. See, see, I was-- (the lobster grabs Tori and places her to the ground as she flails. He then flexes and runs off)

Sikowitz

Will you GET UP?! (she does) Cat! Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools... blank.

Cat

I said... (turns her card over) 'Blank!' (buzzer)

Sikowitz

Uh, Cat, I said blank.

Cat

(laughs) I love President Ford!

Sikowitz

We're not gonna bring the lobster out for that one. (Tori pats him on the back) Uh, Beck!

Beck

(in garbled accent) Well, I'm sorry, Doc and I was starving, so I said... (turns his card over) Onion rings. (buzzer, the lobster comes through the entrance)

Tori

No. I know. (faints. The lobster then leaves)

Sikowitz

(laughs) Okay! One last chance. Your sister. Trina.

Tori

Come on, Trina!

Trina

Well, I said... (reveals her card) '...Cut to the next scene!'. (scene cuts to the Vegas' house where Tori waves her arms weirdly)

Tori

Oh, your stupid card brought us to this scene! You cost me $5,000!

Trina

But I want an Oompa Loompa now!

Tori

You can't HAVE an Oompa Loompa--

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Tori

It's not my birthday.

TOUCHDOWN!

Tori

There's no football game.

WHERE'S THE BEEF!?

Tori

Okay, kids won't get that reference. And... it's April Fools Day!

Tori

(while she is riding in Robbie's multi-seat bike) You said you had a car!

Robbie

This is a car. The car...of the future!

Cat

Tori! You missed first and second period!

Tori

I know.

Cat

And you look all messy!

Tori

I know.

Cat

And that shirt is not a good color on you.

Cat

So Robbie drove you to school this morning?

Tori

Yes, but never again! I've gotta find someone else to drive me.

Cat

Well, I bet my brother would drive you. If you don't mind screaming.

Tori

Wait, you guys scream at each other?

Cat

No, sometimes he just screams. Like at trees. (pause) And busses.

Tori

Thanks, but I'll find someone else.

Cat

Why don't you just get a license like a normal teenage girl? (Tori gives her the death glare) Bag o' rags?

Tori

See ya, Cat.

Cat

Have a ragarific day!

Girl?!?! Will you hold my oatmeal for me?

Tori

Sure.

Put your hands out. (pours oatmeal into Tori's hands)

Tori

Why did you do that?!

You said you'd hold my oatmeal!

Tori

Why didn't you just hand me the mug?

I'm not letting you touch my mug!

Robbie

Oh, dear.

Tori

Robbie, I told you, nobody our age says "Oh, dear".

Robbie

Oh, my.

Tori

Or that.

Tori

I guess she auditioned and got in.

Cat

But she's talentless.

Tori

That's mean... And true, how did she get in?

Beck

Here. I got a hoagie in my backpack.

Tori

A hoagie? (streches her arms) Oh, I need a hoagie so bad! (Takes the hoagie and eats it)

Beck

Wow. You're chewing like it's your job.

Cat

Whoa, Tori. (unconvincingly) Cool outfit.

Tori

Thanks! Whatcha got there?

Cat

It's my sack of Bibble! It's really heavy, so I put it in a wagon.

Tori

And you needed to bring all of it to school?

Cat

I can't help it! (pause) It's so good.

Tori

I can't believe Mason bought you this much!

Cat

That's not even the sack he bought me.

Tori

What?

Cat

I finished that one. I went back and bought two more sacks! (pause) I think I may have a Bibble problem.

Tori

Well, it is pretty good stuff -

Cat

Don't touch it!!! (she drags away the wagon) My bibble.

Jade

This isn't right.

Tori

Yeah, it is a little tight -

Jade

No, not the stupid outfit. This. Me.

Tori

I don't -

Jade

This is supposed to be your night. This was your big chance, so for me to go out there...

Tori

And?

Jade

I can't do that to a friend. Or even to you.

Andre

(enters the room as he closes the door behind him) Hey, I'm here. Sorry.

Tori

Where were you?

Andre

While I was in the mens' room, I opened one of the stalls, and sitting right there, Bruno Mars. (Cat gasps)

Tori

(looking shocked) What?!

Andre

So I'm like, "Oh my God, Bruno Mars! You're one of my idols." He says, "Thanks. But I'm on the toilet. Can you shut the door?" So I say, "Sure", and I shut the door. And Bruno Mars says, "I mean, can you leave the stall and then shut the door?" And then I'm all like, "Bro, I know you famous, but can't you just -"

Jade

(putting her hand on his shoulder) Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Maybe stop talking.

Sikowitz

No, she didn't get expelled from Hollywood Arts to make room here for you.

Tori

Then why did she get kicked out?

Sikowitz

She's crazy. A loony-bat. She stole things... Carried weird stuff in her backpack... Called everyone Debbie. A real nut case.

Lick my loafers, Debbie.

Tori

Ah-ha!

What?

Beck

Excuse me, what's your name?

Linda.

Beck

That is Linda.

Tori

Yeah, sure. Linda the liar, that is Ponnie.

André

You said Ponnie had brown hair.

Tori

She's in disguise... [whispers loudly] ...That's Ponnie in disguise!

I just need $23.

Tori

Uh, okay you guys go do whatever...and I'm gonna have a chat with "Linda".

Tori

Haven't you ever wondered what it's like to be a blonde?

Jade

No.

Cat

I've wondered that. I've also wondered why lemonade is a drink and first aid is for the injured. Like, what if a thirsty person gets injured? Do you give them first aid first, and then lemonade? Or lemonade first, then second aid? (pause) Lemonade. (giggles)

Tori

(stares at Cat in disbelief) So, sushi?

Jade

Let's go.

Trina

Hey, Tori, here.

Tori

Is that a pair of my underwear?

Trina

Yeah, my allergies have been so bad today.

Tori

What?

Trina

Tissues make my nose red and sore. These are so soft. (blows her nose in them)

Tori

You've been blowing your nose in my underwear?

Trina

Yeah, they're like a giant soft hankie.

Tori

Giant?!?

Robbie

Well, if it isn't the Vega girls!

Trina

Gross.

Tori

You're in a good mood.

Robbie

Yup. Cause I've finished the song I've been writing.

Tori

Oh, is it another song about worms?

Robbie

Not this time!

Trina

I hate this guy.

Robbie

This song's about a girl.

Trina

Look, Robbie, I already told you I'm not interested in you.

Robbie

I didn't mean you. I-

Trina

Okay, you know how some girls say "I only like you as a friend"?

Robbie

Yeah.

Trina

I don't even like you that way.

Cat

(runs around giving out hugs) Free hugs! I want to give free hugs!

Robbie

Someone's a Happy Cat.

Cat

Yeah, me!

Tori

Wait, is this because of that guy you met last night?

Cat

Uh, huh.

Robbie

Oh, you met a fella?

Cat

Yeah, his name's Evan. Oh, and I invited him here tonight to watch Beck's movie!

Tori

Oh, yeah, the screenings tonight. I hear the movie turned out pretty good.

Robbie

I was the wig master.

Tori

So, what did Evan do when you told him your blonde hair was really a wig?

Cat

What?

Tori

I say, what did Evan do when you told him your blonde hair was really a wig?

Cat

That did not come up.

Robbie

You never told him you were wearing one of my wigs?

Cat

I guess not.

Tori

Or blue contacts?

Cat

Also did not come up.

Tori

So, you spent like five hours with this guy, and he still doesn't know what you really look like?

Cat

No. Oh, my god! What if he hates redheaded girls with brown eyes?

Tori

Don't worry, he won't.

Robbie

Are you crying?

Cat

Yeah, I can't help it! (grabs Tori's underwear) I cry when I'm scared! (blows her nose in them) What is this?

Tori

Underwear.

Cat

They're so big!

Tori

You know what? (grabs underwear and stalks off)