Tori quotes from Victorious

Ho ho ho! And...jingle bells. (Andre reaches for Robbie's chair.)

Tori

No no Andre, don't do it, don't-(he knocks the chair over and Robbie falls to the floor.) Ohhh, you did it.

I bet that jingled his bells.

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Tori

Look! It's a little...ceramic guitar. I made it at Color me Pot.

I thought Sikowitz said that your Secret Santa gifts have to be really special, and creative.

Tori

He did.

Well, that's ugly. And useless.

Tori

No, it's cute. And look. You can pretend to play it, like... (pretends to strum it like a real guitar) DER NAO NAO! TORI GAVE ME THIS CHRISTMAS PRESENT, AND IT'S A TINY GUITARRRRRR! (Trina starts to leave) ...Why are you walking away?

'Cause i'm embarrassed for you!

Tori

THAT WAS MEAN...

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Hi, Secret Santa time!

(gestures to Beck) You mine or his?

Yours! For you!

(snatches gift) Give it!

(Tori comes over)

Tori

Hey, guys, can I ask you-

Shut up! I'm opening a Christmas Present!

Tori

Grunch

(Jade opens gift)

Oh, my God, Cat, you did not.

(Cat squeals and giggles)

Scissors?

They're special scissors!

Ok.

They're from a real movie!

I cannot believe you got me these.

Tori

What movie are they from?

"The Scissoring."

Tori

Wait, that one about the girl that comes back from the dead and uses a pair of scissors on her two best friends?

Yep.

(twirls scissors and looks at Tori) Starting with the pretty girl.

Tori

Oh. Um...anyways. You guys I'm Andre's Secret Santa, and I have like, no clue what to get him.

Just get him a present!

Oh my god...

Tori

(touches Cat's shoulder) Okay, help me, please! I don't want to give him the worst present, and then have to go Christmas yodeling with Sikowitz.

Two words.

I bet they won't be helpful.

Your problem.

I was right.

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Well, this is a great way to spend a Saturday.

Tori

I have never had detention before.

I'm kinda nervous.

(to Robbie) If you hadn't made us late for class, we wouldn't be here.

I was choking on a pretzel.

Well, why do you always gotta be chokin' on somethin'?

(to Andre) Ah, give him a break.

Tori

Yeah, it's not Robbie's fault he has a petite throat.

It's average.

"Ah"!

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Well, well. It's 7:06 here in Los Angeles. That means that in Australia, it's yesterday! (pause) Or tomorrow.

Y'know, in Australia, when you flush the toilet, the water swirls backwards.

Put a sock in it, Afro! You clowns are gonna sit in here all day and think about why you're in detention. (Jade leans back and spits her gum in the air; Rex leans back and catches it in his mouth) Now, cellphones. Let's have 'em.

Why?

Because in detention, there are no phone calls.

What about texting?

No.

E-mail?

No!

Tori

Can we play Grumpy Gerbils?

I love Grumpy Gerbils.

I can't get past Level 23.

ZIP IT, corn pie.

Can we have corn pie?

Shut up! (brief pause) PHONES! (the gang all put their phones in the box) Now... I'm gonna put your box of phones right here. (puts them on top of the bookshelf. Tori then raises her hand) What, "princess"?

Tori

I was just wondering what the plan is for lunch.

Well if you pre-turds get hungry, there's a big plate of tuna right here. (points to it)

Um, technically, sir, if perishable foods aren't kept at either below 34 degrees or above 140 degrees-

Pipe down, side salad. Eat the tuna or starve. I could care less.

I think you mean you couldn't care less.

What's that?

You said you could care less.

Tori

Which implies that you do care, at least a little bit.

I don't.

Well, then you should have said, you couldn't care less.

But you did not.

Hey, what about the guy who first landed on the moon? He said "One small step for man." I would've just said "Oh, my god, I'm on the moon." (Beck smiles)

Alright, not another word.

Word.

That's it, West, you just bought yourself another Saturday detention.

Did I get a good deal on it?

You just bought yourself another one. (Cat yelps and buries her head in her hood)

Okay, look, I'm sorry, I apologize.

That's 3. 3 Saturdays.

Tori

But she was apologizing.

Okay, Vega, now you got one.

Tori

Why?

Boom! Another one.

Tori

I don't want another one!

That's three. You want to to try for four?

Tori

I really don't.

That's 4! You want 5?

Yes.

Okay, Vega, you just got 5!

Tori

What?

(silently) Tori, stop.

Tori

Stop what? Jade said yes.

I guess he's afraid to give one to Robbie. (Robbie covers Rex's mouth as Mr. Dickers comes to him)

(to Rex) Oh, yeah? I got one for you, too, Fudge Sack. Anybody else? Huh? Anybody? (no one speaks) You mess with the cow... you get the udders. (Dickers leaves the library as the door closes)

Tori

FORGET YOU!!!

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(Tori takes her taco)

Tori

Ooh, still warm.

Well, they were in Robbie's pants.

Can you not say that again?

Cat, you're not eating your taco.

(nervously) Yeah, it's 'cause I'm - I'm like - I'm too excited to eat it, you know. Tacos, yay. (the cheese from Cat's taco fell off)

Vegan.

I am not.

Then eat your taco if you're not a vegan.

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You know what I can go for right now?

Tacos?

How'd you know?

I felt you, dawg. (Beck smiles)

Tori

Tacos. Those sound really good right now.

(while ripping paper) I'm down for tacos.

(nervously) Yeah. I love tacos.

(about Cat) Look who's being real quiet.

I'm just not that hungry right now.

Yeah, why don't you tell everyone the truth?

Leave me alone.

What's going on here?

(goes to Cat) Our pristine little friend Cat has never had a taco.

I'm not that pristine. (pause) Wait, what's pristine mean?

(to Cat) Are you a vegan?

Knock it off, guys.

What's a vegan?

It's a person who doesn't eat meat.

I love meat.

Shhh.

Don't shush me.

C'mon, Cat, tell us. Have you ever had a crispy corn shell, filled with meat... lettuce... shredded cheese... (Jade glares at Cat)

(Tori comes over)

Tori

Hey! Leave her alone.

What are you gonna do if I don't?

Tori

Well, I might just go online, to the Slap, and unfriend you. (Cat gasps)

Oh, really?

Tori

Two clicks. One to unfriend you, and one to confirm that I really wanna unfriend you. (Jade glares at Tori)

Hey, c'mon, y'all, how we gonna get some tacos?

Tori

I could call Trina, ask her to pick some up and leave them in my locker.

(crying) You're so conceited, Tori! You're so conceited!

Tori

(confused) What?

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(the group is avoiding Mr. Dickers in the hall when they run into some wet floor signs)

Tori

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! The floor's wet.

We can't run across that, it's too dangerous!

Way to go, Tori. You just had to have your taco!

We're dead...

Tori

No...just me. (stuffs the bag of tacos in Robbie's pants) You guys get back to the library.

What about you?

Tori

I'm gonna get Dickers' attention.

How?

Tori

(singing loud and off key while running and ripping posters) HERE I AM, ONCE AGAIN... FEELING LOST... (The screen cuts to Dickers turning suspicious and heading in the direction of the singing) YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID TO PUT YOUR DREAM IN ACTION, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA FADE YOU'LL BE THE MAIN ATTRACTION... IN MY VICTORY, JUST REMEMBER ME, WHEN I MAKE IT SHINE-(bumps into Dickers)

Oh, ho ho. I'm gonna make it shine. I'm gonna make it shine REAL good!

Tori

Listen-

Aaaaaahhhh, you're in big trouble, Vega.

Tori

For what?

For leaving the library, skinny jeans! And singing off-key! Come on. (pulls Tori by the arm)

Tori

I was running and singing at the same time, that's-that's really hard!

Oh, SHUT UP!

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Tori

Are we gonna be just like our parents?

When you get old, your butt sags.

And you can't find your pants.

Sometimes, I feel so much pressure, y'know, with my music. My cousin J.J., he's always telling me, "You know, you gotta be the best. You gotta be number one! Number one!!!" And I wanna tell him "Hey, man, get off my chizz!" But he drives me to school, and I don't wanna blow my ride.

Tori

(raises hand) I have a weird talent.

(crying) You're so conceited, Tori! You're so conceited!

What's your talent?

Yeah, let's see it. (everybody joins in)

Tori

Okay. Okay. I'll show you. (Tori starts pulling out her socks ) Can't believe I'm doing this.

(Tori gets a bow and arrow and uses it with her own feet and the arrow hits a poster. All of them start talking in amazement)

(sarcastically) That was amazing! You learn that from your daddy? Your daddy know how to shoot a bow and arrow with his foot?

(after a pause) I'm sorry, did I miss something?

Go on. Shoot another arrow.

Tori

Shut. Up.

Oh, c'mon, show us what your daddy taught you about foot archery.

Tori

SHUT UP!

BECAUSE MY DAD CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH HIS FEET!

Tori

That is not my fault!

STOP IT!!! As teenagers, we are all under too much pressure!!!

(after a brief pause, everybody starts laughing)

(as Robbie starts to tackle Tori) Robbie!

(while everybody is laughing, Robbie blows raspberries on Tori's stomach)

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Tori

What are you guys talking about?

Nothing, nothing!

Robbie's trying to tell me that sometimes you both crunch the corn shell together.

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(closing letter)

Dear Mr. Dickers. Goodbye from all of us. A puppet...

Tori

A future popstar.

A musician.

An actor.

A nerd with temporarily straight hair.

A girl who likes scissors...

And me!!!!

Cat, they can't see you, baby.

Oh... it's Cat, bye!

Sincerely, The Breakfast Bunch. Even though we never had breakfast as a bunch.

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Tori

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT MAKES ME SICK?!

Is it eating tuna fish on a Ferris wheel? ...Cause I did that once, and I threw up on a bird.

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(reading the tracking number) Here it is, tracking number. A, K, 4, 5, 5, H, J, 1, 4, 7, 7, H, Y, 7, F, L, 4... (later) 6, Q, L, 4, K, 3, 2, A, M, T, Y... (later) K, L, 5, 4, 9, B, D, 6.

Will you stop that?!

Shush, they're about to tell me where my package is!

RReceptionist

Your package was delivered at...8:21 PM.

8:21?

It's 8:21 right now.

Oh. (runs to the door) I don't see the-(gets hit by the package and falls to the floor)

Tori

Your package is here!

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Tori

It's for a role in a movie, about a teenager whose parents send her to a home for troubled girls.

Oh. One time my brother went to a home for troubled girls.

Tori

Why?

To meet troubled girls.

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(When Tori is practicing her audition as Sikowitz, Andre and Robbie watch her, Jade suddenly enters with a big boombox.)

HAMMER TIME.

Ugh!